SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m 36 and have been married to my husband for almost 17 years. We have two amazing kids that are 11 and 14. On Mother’s Day of this year my daughter found a I love you message from someone in his phone. I was at a complete loss for words . I woke him up and confronted him. He told me he’s been meaning to tell me for a while it not working out and it was only a online thing. Fast forward two weeks later and I call her to find out what’s really going on . Mind you she was a family friend with 4 kids and two baby daddy’s of her own. So she tells me they have been Having a full on affair for over a year and she’s madly in love with him. Then she tells me that she’s so sorry her mom is a cheater her sisters are cheaters and I guess that’s just the way of life for her family. Now that everything out my husband is begging me to go to counseling and make it work . How do you move past something so hurtful. He is trying now but I’m so lost.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Not a happy mother's day!

Your WH (Wayward Husband) and the OW (Other Woman) are weak - so now it's time for you to get strong.

The best thing I did after D-day was go into the healing library and read up about the 180. Please print it out and read it again until it sinks in, then implement it. You will be so much better for it.

Post here often, it helps. We're here for you, and we get what you are going through.

Take care of you and your beautiful kids. Get IC (individual counselling) for yourself and the kids if they need it. Your WH should get IC too so he can start working on his why's but that is for him to organise.

Sending hugs and strength.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone, though. Do what you need for yourself. Physical activity really helped me. Drink water and eat healthy.

One step at a time is fine.

Eventually, not today, but eventually, you can decide what you want. For now, just get through today.

How have you managed from Mother’s Day until now? Something had prompted you to look for help recently since you’ve found us. Whatever it is, we are here to help.

We are with you.

I’m so sorry for you. This is so painful and the emotional roller coaster lasts for some time.

Please do not feel obligated to commit to “working on the marriage”. You are in a highly emotional state and it could be hard to make that commitment. One minute you love him, the next you hate him, the next you want to slap him and then you are sobbing in your coffee.

Your goal right now is to survive.

There is a difference between remorse and regret. Regret he got caught and is willing to do the bare minimum to heal. Remorse is he is committed to making amends and repair the damage no matter what.

His actions mean everything right now. His words have less importance b/c he’s a proven liar and cheater.

I hope this helps you.

I'm so sorry you are here, StarbucksMom, but I believe you will find it to be the best club you never wanted to join. Everyone here wants first for you to get out of adultery and secondly to heal. There are various viewpoints based on our own experiences but that is the common goal.

Your WH wants you to go to counselling. Do not go to joint or marriage counselling. He needs to go to counselling and he needs to initiate it himself. Your marriage isn't the problem. He is. You did nothing wrong that would make him seek adultery. Nothing.

You might need IC (individual counselling), too, but for a different reason than he does. He needs to find out why he's so screwed up or arrogant or selfish that he can be comfortable betraying you so badly. Now he wants to make it work and is desperate. If the marriage was so bad to cause him to wander why would he be so desperate to try to save it now.

Again, it isn't you or the marriage. It is entirely him. There is nothing you did or did not do that caused this.

Get tested for STDs. He must, too. Don't have sex with him until he can show you a clean result.

Your question is how you move past this. You don't. You have to go through it. You have to face it head on. I can tell you the pain I felt was so bad I couldn't understand how it didn't kill me and I wished it would.

It's a long term healing process. A common thought here is that it takes 2 to 5 years to heal. I think that comes from suffering any major trauma. It doesn't start from DDay. It starts from the last revelation.

Cheaters often TT (trickle truth). This is the most painful thing they can do other than the adultery itself. Each new revelation restarts the calendar.

I didn't start to heal until I separated from my XWW. That was 4 years after DDay1. I needed considerable IC. Not all counsellors are created equal. It was my third that finally clicked with me. About 70% of betrayeds suffer from PTSD.

Dr. Dennis Ortman coined a new term, PISD, for infidelity. The symptoms are effects are the same as PTSD but he wanted to highlight the infidelity side because it was being overlooked. I like the way it sounds when said as a word.

Your WH must cut all contact with the OW. He must write a No Contact (NC) letter that meets your approval. When my XWW wrote hers she was apologetic to her POS OM. Not acceptable.

If this so called family friend (you know she wasn't and isn't a friend, right) has a husband or SO he must be told. You tell him and do it without your WH knowing you are going to.

There's lots more. I found I could only absorb so much at a time. Stay here. Others will chime in. Collectively there is a lot of painfully gained wisdom here.

Your daughter found the message?

She obviously knows something is going on. Have you spoken to her further about all of this? If so how is she doing?

StarbucksMom:

I'm sorry for why you are here, but I am glad you found this website.

You are going through a trauma. This thread and podcast might help you learn about what you are going through, and what to expect:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617809&AP=161&HL=57133

I'll bump it for you, so it shows as again on the General Forum.

I wish I had this information closer to my DDay, so I knew I wasn't going crazy, but that my symptoms and thoughts were normal for someone going through a trauma.

Keep posting, there are wise kind people here who can help you. Tell us more. Did your husband cut off all contact (NC) with his affair partner (AP)? Are you presently living w/your husband? Did you do marriage counseling (MC), are either of you in individual counseling (IC)? If so, have you found betrayal trauma experts?

[This message edited by shellofme at 10:03 AM, November 13th (Friday)]

StarbucksMom

I’m 36 and have been married to my husband for almost 17 years. We have two amazing kids that are 11 and 14. On Mother’s Day of this year my daughter found a I love you message from someone in his phone.

This sounds like my own experience a little, but I guess that goes with the territory. Cheating and cheaters all play out of the same playbook, apparently. Well he's a shit and he's not only traumatized you, but also your daughter.

I was at a complete loss for words . I woke him up and confronted him. He told me he’s been meaning to tell me for a while it not working out and it was only a online thing.

Horseshit - the marriage not working out is an issue within the marriage (if it's even true, the dude is a liar so you can't trust his word). Cheating is going outside of the marriage. It's dropping your morals and principles to engage in an activity to actively hurt your partner and family. He chose to do this.

Fast forward two weeks later and I call her to find out what’s really going on . Mind you she was a family friend with 4 kids and two baby daddy’s of her own. So she tells me they have been Having a full on affair for over a year and she’s madly in love with him. Then she tells me that she’s so sorry her mom is a cheater her sisters are cheaters and I guess that’s just the way of life for her family.

My soon to be ex wife's family is full of cheaters - they are egocentric assholes. She's delusional and it looks like she's the queen of poor choices.

Now that everything out my husband is begging me to go to counseling and make it work . How do you move past something so hurtful. He is trying now but I’m so lost.

What has he actually done so far? Has he read anything? Has he taken any actions? If not, I would move on to divorce. Then again, this has been going on for at least a year. I get that you are hurting, I remember that pain and I remember wanting more than anything to go back to the way things were.

He will continue to lie to you. The trust is extremely damaged at this point - possibly unrepairable. Do not commit to anything, you need to sort out your emotions and figure out what's best for you.

Damn I’m so sorry for you & your daughter, I was sat with my DD when I stumbled upon a video of my XWH mid thrust on our sons stag weekend on my laptop, trust me I know how that effects them. Please keep talking to her so she doesn’t bottle things up.

I can’t stress this enough read the 180 in the healing library, it’s something that takes time to take in but omg it’s worth it’s weight in gold.

You don’t have to decide anything for the moment just take care of yourself, eat, drink plenty of water & tell close friends if you haven’t already. Hopefully They will help you stay strong.

Again I’m so very sorry you are here.

II’m very sorry you’ve had to find this place, but I haven’t even yet a complete disclosure day from my WW and I can honestly say this place has been most helpful in helping me to put myself slowly back together. First, worry about you and not him, the affair, or your marriage.

I found the videos from afairrecovery on youtube extremely helpful in understanding what I should expect from d-day and a truly remorseful and safe partner. While I do not and may never have either, it has also helped me grasp my sanity and set some realistic benchmarks for my WW.

I’ve also learned to beware marriage counselors. The one so far is asking me, the betrayed spouse, to do all the bridge building and make all the compromises to reconcile. I’m sure their are good counselors, but please do beware as its been toxic for me so far. Much sympathy. Head up and shoulders back!

Thank you so much for all the comments . It really means so much to me right now. Let me explain a little more of my story. A couple years ago my husband joined a band and that’s when his attitude changed . He liked the attention of groupies . I felt like we drifted apart the more he got into his music career. Fast forward to February of this year and that was the first time I found a message in his phone from a random number saying I love you. He swore he didn’t know who it was and even had his OW text him back acting like she texted the wrong number . He told my daughter then that he swore on her life he would never do that to her or his family . That’s why she was already not trusting him when she found the text in May. Since May I have been trying really hard to stay focused on myself and kids . I’ve lost 30 pounds and me and my daughter are both in iIndividual therapy. It’s helping her big time but so far it’s not doing very much for me. Since DDay my WH has quit the band ,downloaded the life 360 app and is spending all the time he can with our kids . We have had a couple date nights but I don’t even know what to talk about with him .I feel like he’s another person that I don’t know anymore . So 2 weeks ago I found out his ow FaceTimed him after 6 months . He said he answered it and didn’t know it was her. They talked for five minutes and he told me he told her he was sorry and that he was working it out with his wife. It makes me mad that he feels any remorse for her at all. I made him call her with him in the room right when I seen that they talked . The OW told me she called because she was having car problems and didn’t know who else to call. She also said he told her he was sorry and that he’s going to stay with his family. I told her to never contact my husband again. It’s just so hard to trust someone that’s still doing untrustworthy things. I feel like just that one phone call brought me back to square one with him all over again. We are living together as a family still but there’s no Intimacy right now. I can’t get the images of them together out of my head . Another big problem was in June I found out I was pregnant . It was a total shock because I’m on birth control and was done having kids . I ended up having a horrible miscarriage that lasted over two months . He was there for me taking me to doctors appointments and the Er . For now I’m just taking it one day at a time and hoping I see the changes I need to stay in this marriage if not I will go file for divorce.

StarbucksMom,

I’m sorry that you’ve found yourself here, but this is the best place to be right now! Read and sift through the comments and pick out the ones that would suit your situation.

Remember to nourish yourself and your children, only then things will get better when you are in a clearer state of mind.

Read up the 180, get information on what your options and rights are financially and kids wise should you chose to leave WH. Get your ducks in a row and have a Plan B. Sending strength and hugs!

I’m sorry you keep uncovering busy contact with the OW. That is like having Dday (discovery day) over and over.

That basically sets you back to day one. And erases any healing you have had to date.

It sounds like a typical midlife crisis affair. Band, groupies, he’s changed, very little interaction with you b/c he prefers the fake attention of these bar hounds who like his band.

You will survive this. We all do. It’s just whether the marriage survives and that is dependent upon him to make amends. Just do not feel obligated to reconcile.

Hi Starbucks Mom,

Like everybody else, I'm sorry you are with us.

I know you feel upside down, and that's normal, it's trauma.

The feeling on not knowing how to act with your husband and feeling he's a stranger is also normal. After dday, my husband was OW's longterm boyfriend in my eyes (the affair was 1.5 yrs long), so I felt he was a tenant living at my home, and I didn't know how to act anymore with him around me. Should I still cook him dinner? Wash his clothes? Talk to him about stuff? I had no clue.

Once your head trauma starts to heal, things will get clearer. But it will take a while, I'm sorry. There are a few good books around, but I found Cheating in a Nutshell the most helpful. It really helped me see what had happened to me.

Infidelity is trivialized to the max in our society, I felt like a wet sponge with a bruised ego. I didn't realise that this ugly beast had totally changed my view on the world. And the book mentioned above explains why.

Keep posting! It helps. :)

Your emotion will be all over the place for quite some time.

The one thing I can tell you is that after dday1 I was desperate to reconcile with my husband. On Dday2 when I found out I was basically living a lie and due to false reconciliation because he was still cheating, I knew I had to divorce him. At that point I no longer care what he wanted. I no longer shed a tear for him.

I just knew I needed to get out of this marriage to save my sanity.

That took me 6 months. To go from emotionally at the bottom of the black hole to standing on my own 2 feet to kick him to the curb.

I'm very sorry for your pain, the pain of being betrayed, and the pain of losing a child.

I recommend reading 'Things Every WS Needs to Know' - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250. If it makes sense to you, print it out and give it to your h to read as 'something you found on the 'net' - keep SI to yourself for the foreseeable future.

Joint counseling/MC usually treats the M. To paraphrase steadychevy, your M didn't fail; your H did. Sometimes you'll find a good MC who will address the A as your H's failure first and keep addressing the A until you don't need to talk about it in MC. That MC can help you. An MC who views an A as a symptom of an M problem probably won't - can't - help much.

You indicate that you have requirements for R. What are they? How is your H doing at meeting them?

Are you sure you want R? It's hard work, and it's not guaranteed to succeed. I find it hard to see success in R unless your H stops needing external validation, or whatever his A did for him. What is he doing to change from cheater to good partner?

It’s just so hard to trust someone that’s still doing untrustworthy things. I feel like just that one phone call brought me back to square one with him all over again.

StarbucksMom, have you set up boundaries and YOUR requirements for your WH? He needs to clearly know what he needs to do when X or Y happens. Clear communication is the key here. You'll be able to overcome it one way or another!

ETA: your H should be clear what YOU expect from him. You can't assume that he would know your expectations or read your thoughts and desires.

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 2:20 PM, November 14th (Saturday)]

Dear StarbucksMom, So sorry you are going through this. Totally get why you are lost. You are reeling..... Have you started to work towards R?? What is happening with the OW??

Need to get to the bottom of everything and one way to do that is focus on your self.... Then maybe get some outside help..... This group is awesome! Please also look at maybe IC or MC.... If you are going to try and R.... I hope you do, but it is a long and hard process.....

Both of you have to be committed to it for it to work....Praying peace over you!

SBM

he told her he was sorry and that he was working it out with his wife

That's not his choice, and it never will be.

he told her he was sorry and that he’s going to stay with his family.

See above....

We are living together as a family still but there’s no Intimacy right now.

Good, keep it that way, you need a clear head. HB is a weapon he will use to great efficiency if you let him. This was a year long affair (that you know of) with lots of playing house (call for car repair) and quite frankly what do you know about his band escapades? Everyday this was going on was an active choice to throw you and your family away. Have you thought of him exiting the premises?

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 10:33 AM, November 17th (Tuesday)]