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I'm finding ME!

newlife03 posted 10/28/2020 10:15 AM

I think this belongs here, but feel free to move to Off Topic if needed.

SO and I were on a "break" during a time where he needed to take care of personal issues for about 3 months (with extensive IC). We didn't see anyone else during this time, and many here recommended that I find new hobbies for myself. Worried that our "break" would lead to a break-up I started really looking into what "I" wanted and what "I" needed. He's doing good and we are back where we were but I realized that I can't be what I was before.

Not that I wasn't good, I just wasn't me. After the D I didn't want to be alone but learned how to be. Then when SO came along I was so enamored with the idea of spending time as a couple that I stopped taking care of myself. This break not only helped him but helped me to see what I had been missing.

I went fishing by myself, have taken mini road trips alone (something peaceful about an empty car, long road ahead and blaring music) and am trying new activities...snow shoeing is on the list!

It is so important that we keep our own identities. After being married 20 years (and married young so that didn't help) I lost myself in it, and vowed never to do that again. Well, guess what? I did. But I didn't see it until the break. Looking in the mirror and facing the fears, doubts and insecurities was not easy. Probably why I avoided it. And I'm far from being the independent person I should be, but I'm getting there.

twicefooled posted 10/28/2020 10:27 AM

That is absolutely amazing, great job!!!!

I've also rediscovered myself through being single most of the past 7 years. I've gained some amazing friendships (both male and female), got published (a bucket list item), travelled solo (went to a spa in the mountains), and just found the most amazing man that I never realized existed.

It's so great to find ourselves. And I vow to never lose her again <3

Chili posted 10/28/2020 10:54 AM

newlife03 - I must have missed it in another of your threads, but I see you two came back together? I'm happy and hopeful for you - I know it was a rough go. Do you think you two have some work to do together on the heels of his intensive work? You said "back where we were" - but I suspect things are a bit different in your dynamic?

Just being protective because I know the last several months were really hard for you.

Glad you are continuing to discover yourself though - no reason that kind of good stuff is limited to times when someone is "single!"

newlife03 posted 10/28/2020 12:23 PM

Twicefooled I am working on a bucket list that I think is reasonable for me to get through. I, too, vow never to lose me again.

Chili, yes we are together again (I hadnít posted about it til now). He has been in therapy and discovered heís been going through a midlife crisis. He realized, with help, that his lack of accomplishments in his mind were failures and he developed a hatred for life in general. He assured me that it wasnít anything that I had done or said, just his own insecurities about where he thought he should be. Thankfully there were no cliche high-priced purchases or affairs, but a depression that he couldnít explain. Heís still in IC and thanked me for still being here although he didnít want me to stop living my own life.

Funny that he needed to find himself, and I found myself at the same time. I think my independence was attractive in the beginning so Iím no longer worried that ďdoing my own thingĒ will be a threat to our relationship. Not sure why I was worried before, maybe old ghosts of xWH still haunting me.

newlife03 posted 10/28/2020 12:29 PM

And how are you doing, Chili? I remember we had similar scenarios and that your long-term relationship had ended.

Chili posted 10/28/2020 13:14 PM

Don't want to t/j, but thanks for asking nl. I'm doing just fine here - focusing on the ME! like you have been.

We all have rough patches in our lives and maybe it's a testament to your SO that he knew he didn't have any gas left in the tank to give to a relationship at the time. Here's my BUT (and you can tell me to butt out as well.) There will be more difficult times for you two ahead - depressions, deaths, financial challenges, illnesses, etc. And being able to weather those things together is the goal, right? I'm not saying he didn't have real and genuine reasons to check out, but maybe it's a topic of conversation of "how can we address these types of moments together in the future?"

newlife03 posted 10/28/2020 13:58 PM

I'm glad you're hangin in there, it's all we can really do.

Yes, we are going to have that conversation! His issues are not 100% over by any means and while he continues to work on himself with me by his side we will be working on how to handle things together. Aside from my dad's passing 6 years ago we have not had any "real" issues to work through til now.

Funny thing, when I was unsure of our future because I wasn't aware of what was really happening, one of my first thoughts was "at least it wasn't another woman." My heart breaks for those who have multiple DDays. I had two but with the same xWH, not multiple men/players.

GotTheShaft posted 10/30/2020 16:33 PM

newlife03 Iím very happy for you! Glad everything worked out.

newlife03 posted 10/30/2020 16:40 PM

Thank you GTS, I think we have more conversations to have like Chili said in the event that unexpected circumstances are heavy but for now I'm grateful.

How are you doing? I know the no contact is THE HARDEST thing to do when you just want to reach out and get an answer.

GotTheShaft posted 10/31/2020 08:30 AM

Iím struggling. I know I need to let go, but I just canít seem to do that. If I knew she and I would talk again in a couple months, I could have that goal in mind and let things unfold. But Iím trying to grab on so tight to what is no longer there, and thatís keeping me stuck.

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