Now you have me crying. I am not surprised, for whatever reason when I saw that you had posted it I knew it was going to touch deep for me because there is a sisterhood here for me. Your posts when you came here literally taught me how to talk about my affair. It put some focus on many things that were fuzzy. And, you have untangled so many things for me in the time I have been here. In many ways you have been my mentor here, probably without realizing it, and I just wanted to express how glad I am to "see" you and how much your words mean to me.
This is the pit in my stomach and the ache I feel for you. The bewilderment. Of course there’s the whole trashy AP and the sex in your D’s room. And as weird as it is to say, that’s not even the focal point. You thought you were somewhere in life. You were together and you had grown and had this life and vision for the future together and just like our BH’s, you’ve had that rug pulled out from under you.
And, I get that most people who get cheated on think there life and their marriage is one thing and find out it's another. I don't think my experience is worse in that way. But, it IS different. I think you are going to relate to what I am about to say. My marriage has been my number one priority way more than any other time in our decades together. I have read so many relationship books, and woke up each day doing by best to make reparations, to be there for him, working on myself, etc. I am not patting myself on the back, those were natural consequences of my own actions. And, in many ways I built myself back up on doing the next right thing and seeing the progress and the difference. But to be THAT focused on him, on us, on being a better spouse and still feel like that failed? It's exhausting. And, being that focused on him, how did I not see it? I thought we had climbed that Everest TOGETHER.
Your whole demeanor in this thread is calm, which to me screams shock and disassociation. An 18 month A during this time...I can’t even. I’d be pulling my hair out and crying in the shower all day.
I think that shock and disassociation COULD be why I sound calm. But, I have always been self protective, and so it's always more comfortable for me to focus on the logical. I just now know enough that it's harder to pretend this isn't real. My coping is avoidance, burying myself in busy. Always has been. I have definitely been in avoidance mode until the last couple of days.
I am trying to change course with that because I recognize this is how I became a WS, and I don't want this to be my default. I have a strong tendency to shut down and become super self protective, and I will work and be productive until I exhaust myself. It soon becomes impossible to be vulnerable with anyone, I went to dinner with friends last night and had margaritas and laughed and they had no idea anything was going on. It magnifies for me that my work didn't really change my coping, it made me aware of it. So, now I have to keep trying to change course and make myself do it differently. It's like, hey hiking, you have studied well, here is your big freaking test!
But, overall, I am shocked he did this. As I was saying but got sidetracked the focus was so much on our relationship that I am exhausted. I don't want to deal with it. I feel like I am taking steps that I know I "should" based on what I have read here. But in other ways I also feel outside of my body going through the motions.
I don't have another mountain in me right now. I just don't. And, I don't even feel like pressuring myself to start the climb. And, maybe that's really best. It's his turn.
One of the things that is weird, is that I still operate like a WS. I have decided that's still best as well. I said I went out with friends last night. I still did all the protocol of checking in. I didn't create a fake facebook account because I wouldn't do that without telling him and I didn't want to go through that exercise. It's grating, but in the case we do make it to the other side of this, I am still going to keep laying the tracks for trust on my side even if I resent it a bit now.