Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Am I over-reacting??

Topic is Sleeping.
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Kaliber ( Member #74046) posted at 2:19 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

My advice:

Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open!

Hire a PI. they will get you what you want in matter of days!

Divorce is not something you do easily, so make sure you got sold proof so you know you took the right step!

However, you do need to speak to a lawyer to know how things will look like and prepare for the worst!

you can do some PI your self, get a VAR (voice recorder) and place it in her car!

google how to use a VAR in infidelity situations!

And yes, it looks like she is cheating!

you are not over reacting!

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Germany
id 8592721
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 usaskiteam (original poster New Member #75562) posted at 2:32 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

As a response to the above, she does have regular massages, so that wasn unusual. But based on my discussion with the spa and her financial records, there is no evidence it took place.

I am certain there is something happening. Yes, all of these could be coincidences, but then again not. I know this website, is geared towards affairs and if there is smoke there must be fire.

Though, i am looking for guidance on how to resolve this with her. She loves me and i know this is just something that is a phase. We have a good life, great sex and a son (from her previous marriage).

Our family is the picture perfect family. We are both experienced professionals with good careers and are both good looking. So i'd like to resolve this. Though, unsure how to do it in a no-combative way to keep the marriage intact. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I think she got in over her head and now afraid to admit and talk to me about it.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2020
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NotInMyLife ( Member #67728) posted at 2:42 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

Get a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass immediately. You both need to read it asap and talk about her behavior in the context of what you learn there.

posts: 133   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018
id 8592730
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 2:53 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

"We are both experienced professionals with good careers and are both good looking"??

She was at his home until 6am and claims she fell asleep on his couch and you're buying this?

You can't change what you won't confront but I guess realizing the truth of what your wife is up to will blow up your "perfect family".

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 3:06 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

How are you supposed to" resolve" anything? You still,do not k m.j ow what it is you hope to " resolve".

So, first things first. Figure out for sure if she is cheating. And, do not attempt to do it by asking her or confronting her. That would be idiotic. They never tell,the truth( because they are cheaters, after all).

Dig in. You are a professional, right? You have the intelligence to investigate, and , maybe, the financial ability, as well.

Then, when you get your answer, you can figure out if it is a " phase" and can be resolved.

If she is cheating, your definition of a " phase" seems a little naive. And, if you have a normal,ego and self esteem, " resolving" this is gonna be a heck of a challenge, largely dependent on your wife's willingness to do what is required, and your ability to deal with this type of disrespect.

But, really, find out what you are dealing with first. Do it surreptitiously.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8592742
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 usaskiteam (original poster New Member #75562) posted at 3:30 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

I've already tried confronting and all I get is excuses and unbelievable coincidences. Do women like this ever change and realise the error in their ways. Is an affair worth the significant impact this will have on her family, reputation, job and her son?

Just blows my mind she would do something so stupid....

posts: 19   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2020
id 8592746
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 3:40 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

As others have suggested you can continue to watch and listen. You can learn more about what you are dealing with. Get a var in her car. Be watchful. You have numerous red flags but no smoking gun. You could hire a P.I. Watch her actions. Take your time. If you are looking for guidance on how to resolve this with her if she has been unfaithful you will not receive much guidance here. Most will simply advise to run and D.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 3:48 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

I’m sorry but I’m going to have join the throng who think your wife’s behavior and lack of explanation indicates she is cheating on you. Accept this. This not to say life is hopeless or the obvious answer is divorce. Yes this site concerns itself with adultery. Of course it does. What we advocate here is to be aware, be proactive, and be realistic above all.

We advocate being Realistic— means accepting that your wife is gaslighting you something terrible here. That realization is very painful, because it entails realizing who the real partner is, and not your elevated vision of them. That hurts to admit, I know.

Being Proactive means preparing yourself to exit infidelity, one way or the other. That preparation takes many forms. It might involve consulting a family lawyer. It might involve separating your finances into two accounts. It might involve counseling and therapy.

We advocate being aware by gathering as much objective Facts as possible... Facts that are observable, quantifiable and most importantly, recordable. That’s why people are advocating hiring a PI, getting a VAR, looking at her phone when she isn’t looking, showing up at her social functions. You can’t NOT afford to do this if you want to see the truth. I don’t think you have seen any out of your wife, to be brutally honest.

I send you strength. It’s not a sprint, it’s relay race. Prepare yourself.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8592752
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 3:52 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

you were told do not confront and you confronted without

evidence.

you were told how to gather evidence and refused to do so.

you need to tell the OMW all that you know, you refuse to do

that.

your WW and the OM are going at it like rabbits.

nuns have gotten pregnant, priests father children, pastors

have affairs, church going bible studying women have

cheated. and so has your WW.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8592754
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 4:09 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

Our family is the picture perfect family. We are both experienced professionals with good careers and are both good looking. So i'd like to resolve this. Though, unsure how to do it in a no-combative way to keep the marriage intact. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I think she got in over her head and now afraid to admit and talk to me about it.

Listen if she's cheating, it's not just "a phase", it's a decision she willingly made, it takes thousands of lies to keep an A going, if that's the case your family is very far from being "perfect".

What you posted is full of giant red flags, like others mentioned, cheaters typically only admit to what you can prove, there are only 2 paths out of infidelity: D and R, for D you don't need her permission, you just file and have her served, for R, that takes two and IMHO much more effort in the long run. To get solid and undeniable proof she's cheating you may need to hire a PI, they typically simply follow her and get footage in a matter of days, you may also get a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and place it in her car under her seat with some velcro, you can pick one at Walmart/Best Buy or order one online, the most recommended one is a Sony for about 50 bucks (play with it and learn how to use it, mute an sounds and place black tape over any lights).

The VAR is most likely not admissible in court, this is just to confirm the betrayal, some may also place a GPS in her car if you want to do the investigation yourself or make the PI job easier, cheaters almost always communicate when they're driving to/from work, they think their vehicle is a safe place, if she's cheating (I think she is) you should have your answer in a matter of days.

Once you verify the A and she admits to it, know that "Rugsweeping" or doing the "Pick Me Dance" NEVER WORKS, those who take swift and decisive action typically get the best results out of infidelity (D or R), here's a few of the basics that have stood the test of time:

1) EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends and with OBS WITHOUT WARNING (very important), NOTHING kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE, exposure typically kills the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspects of the A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A, the more she will hate POSOM and the less likely she will be to cheat again in the future. Once you inform OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), POSOM will likely drop your WW like a bad habit and throw her under the bus in an effort to save his own M, this is like a splash of iced water on a cheaters head, they suddenly realize they were nothing but a convenient piece of ass.

2) She needs to show you her phone on the spot (don't give her time to erase anything), you can run deleted text recovery software like "Dr Fone", she needs to offer FULL on demand access to her phone and ALL her electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, no questions asked.

3) She needs to send POSOM and NC FOREVER message in front of you (no sweet goodbyes), he's her boss so she needs to report him to HR, again without warning, he will likely lose his job, there's a chance she could lose her as well (less likely), it's called consequences for her huge betrayal. If her job is more important to her than her M, then you simply don't have one, it's a sham.

3) Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), some STDs can be transmitted by saliva (kissing), however if you believe she just fell asleep in his house after a night of partying and drinks I have a bridge to sell you.

4) Consult a D attorney to know your legal options, while you're at it, ask about an enforceable post-nup in your favor in case she cheats again in the future, she would need to sign it.

5) Demand she goes to IC to find out her "whys", cheating is NOT "a mistake", a mistake is when you take a wrong turn while driving, cheating typically takes THOUSANDS lies, it's a choice.

6) Demand she gives you a complete written timeline of the A, subject to a polygraph, also this may not be her first rodeo.

If she refuses to do any of the above then simply file for D and have her served, D takes a long time and can be stopped before it's final if she comes around and commits to doing the heavy lifting to restore the M, it typically takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity.

Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time and the collective wisdom of SI can help you go through this difficult situation, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, we've literally "seen" it play out THOUSANDS of times here on SI and other forums, just look at your member number.

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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 5:06 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

If she is cheating and is lying to you, why is divorce so easily taken off the table by you?

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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 10:03 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

You have to change your way of thinking here. It doesn’t matter who she is as a person or what he is like - she has chosen to have an affair (and I join the masses in saying that I think she is having one, you can’t just turn up at a hotel for a massage, they usually need pre-booked and you know she didn’t have one there).

She is not the person you know and love, for one - she is a liar just now and will lie to you about this so there is no point right now in asking questions.

1) Get irrefutable evidence - either yourself or hire a PI, once you have strong proof, you will know for sure what is happening and she can no longer deny it. She may have calmed things down after you confronted her, so be prepared to do this over a few weeks - month.

2) Start thinking about yourself and what you might want to do. The temptation to sweep it under the rug and get back to normal is huge but it doesn’t work, issues remain unresolved And the cheating often starts up again. You have be prepared that both divorce and proper reconciliation are long and difficult processes, neither is quick or easy.

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cannotforgive ( Member #43367) posted at 10:03 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

Cheating happens in perfect families too. It has nothing to do with the family life, it is due to a character flaw in the cheater.

Can I ask why did she get divorced?

What kind of childhood did she have? Does she crave attention, does she have a low self esteem?

If you sit with her and tell her that you feel uncomfortable with her and her boss working together and ask her to change her job, will she do it?

Her stonewalling you is a sign that she does not want to talk about something that clearly makes her uncomfortable.

Put a VAR in her car.You might get some truth from it.

BS

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id 8592808
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 11:18 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

Morning brother,

Sounds like there are too many red flags 🚩 here to just take her at face values.

Hire a PI. they will get you what you want in matter of days!

She may only be having a EA. But her denial about the sleeping on his couch, hotel room and lack of proof about a massage. If she later admits that he paid for the massage service then WTF Why?

If she is having a full on PA, what do you feel is acceptable to remain with her? She is denying everything but doesn’t have a good answer to explain what is going on. I smell smoke.

One day at a time.

Buffer

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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:19 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

Many of us here at SI believed we had perfect marriages too.

My H came home late one night and I just knew something was off. I had the guts to confront him at midnight when he walked in the door. Believe it or not he was honest. He told me he had been out with the OW.

I was completely blindsided!!

I gave him credit for being honest and truthful. That turned out to be my first mistake b/c 10 days later he wants a D.

He then became the typical cheater. Liar. Blameshifter. Ego driven arrogant selfish jerk. Had me auditioning for my role as his wife.

He was the guy no one would have suspected would cheat. I had to fight w/ family and friends to convince them I wasn’t making it up or being unnecessarily suspicious. He admitted it!

You need to burst the bubble that your wife is above cheating. Two very telling incidents point to the possibility that something is going on.

And trust me when I say this — the cheater often “affairs down” meaning the other guy is usually not “better” than the H. Many OM (other men) are convicts, drug addicts or alcoholics, make less $, jobless or minimally employed, serial cheaters, etc. Workplace affairs are so typical it’s frightening!

I hope this helps you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

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DIFM ( Member #1703) posted at 11:25 AM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

This forum is filled with betrayed spouses married to good churchgoing bible believing cheaters. Don't let yourself get stuck on that. You cannot deal with what you do not know. This is not a phase, it is a conscious choice and your wife, if she is cheating, will follow the standard cheaters script. There is almost no such thing as a unique or different situation cheater.

Get a PI, or at least get a VAR to put in her car. Get the facts. Then you can work towards addressing the truth vs imagining you can do something about what you don't know with someone that will not comply.

Sorry, but I have to ask, what does being good looking have to do with your circumstance or her cheating?

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 12:06 PM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

Two things in a recent post jump out at me because they reveal (a) your mental effort to twist yourself into a pretzel in an effort to overlook the reality of your WW's cheating, and (b) as a result, a desire to move 180 degrees the wrong direction.

We are both experienced professionals with good careers and are both good looking.... I think she got in over her head and now afraid to admit and talk to me about it.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. If she is having an affair with her boss, which seems likely, it is because she decided and chose to have an affair. She is an experienced, professional woman. She's not "in over her head". She's not under the spell of some magical Rasputin. She is a woman who decided to betray you with another man.

You already know she has stayed out all night with him, without offering any plausible explanation for why she did it or where she'd been. That alone is a betrayal.

So i'd like to resolve this. Though, unsure how to do it in a no-combative way to keep the marriage intact.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. This will never happen. You need to give up this idea.

First, you need the truth. Since your WW is clearly lying, the advice to lay low, pretend everything is copacetic, and hire a PI, that's good advice.

Second, once you learn the truth, do NOT try to control the outcome. The goal is not to "keep the marriage intact." If she's fucking her boss, the marriage is already broken. The goal is to find your heart's truth.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8592828
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 12:59 PM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

There's not fire behind this smoke. This is fire.

1. What person gets a hotel room to work in solitude. Literally nobody. Not one person since hotels have been invented has done this

2. Assuming I'm wrong about the above why did she lie about it when confronted

3. Assuming I'm wrong about that, then why lie by ommission? Visting a dude in a hotel room is something 99.9999999999% safe spouses would mention

4. She did not fall asleep on his couch.

5. She is lying to you because she could have texted you at literally any time to pick her up or arrange for travel back

6. What is she doing going back to a single dude's house no matter who he is.

You not only have proof, you have more proof then half the people who have enough proof. About the only human way to get more proof is to have video or photo evidence.

Can you access her phone bill?

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 1:06 PM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

usaskiteam, I'm a born again Christian. My XWW was a born again Christian. I had suspicions which developed very slowly. I fought them down because it simply couldn't happen to me/us/our wonderful family.

When I finally confronted about it I had no proof of anything. Just this very uneasy feeling that took months to develop. Over the next few months I got all kinds of denials. She couldn't believe that I would think such a thing about her weepily, she swore before God she wasn't cheating, she declared I must be cheating if I thought she was and on and on and on.

My XWW would go to church with me most Sundays. She went from church with me to a hotel room with him a couple of hours away one Sunday. She missed church one Sunday and went to a different hotel with him a couple of hours away in the other direction. This was while they were travelling for business. She was his supervisor.

They travelled a lot for a while. When she was travelling she would phone me when she was in her room and safe from the world. I would do the same when I travelled. We talked about the day, how she was doing, etc., say the I love yous. As soon as we hung up she would phone him on the hotel system so there wasn't any record on her cell to come to her room.

The worst thing I did was to not hire a PI. I was going to. The main reason I didn't was I thought if she wasn't cheating and she found out it would wreck our marriage. How stupid is that? She was wrecking our marriage and I was worried I would.

Hire a PI. Get VARs. Place them in her vehicle as suggested by others here.

As was said by a previous poster, being a Christian doesn't eliminate the possibility of adultery.

This isn't "just a phase". Adultery is a deliberate, knowing choice. A decision made. Thousands of decisions along the way.

Don't be like me. Don't take years to find out. Get proof. Adulterers will only admit to what you can prove. They will lie, lie, lie. Not just my XWW but almost all the ones who were partners with the many, many BSs here on SI.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4658   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8592846
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 1:33 PM on Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

You are not over-reacting. There are so many red flags in this story. Married 1 year and staying over at her bosses house? Did she call you that night? Where was his wife and family? You've been together 10 years has she done this type of stuff before? Do you know why things didn't work out with her son's father? (was cheating involved?)

A three hour meeting at a hotel with him even after you have voiced your concerns???

The biggest red flag is that it seems like you would like to sweep this under the rug. Yes you want answers but you seem ready to put all the blame on the boss - ... she's in over her head... He's a serial cheater... she's religious and attend church regularlly...

The truth is if she's doing this one year into the marriage it's a huge concern. Even with what you know if (HUGE IF) she should be moving mountains to earn back your trust. Her stories are lame. Do you have access to her phone? How often do they text call and at what hours? The most you are getting is I don't want to talk about it.

If I were you I'd set-up a VAR in her car or if she works at home I put one there.

Below is a link to a letter you could rephrase and give to her. It says basically what you've been saying ... I need to know what I am trying to forgive inorder to forgive you.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Another approach would be to call the OBS and tell her basically what you know. More than likely she knows more or has the skills to get more information. If you go this route do not tell your WW... do not try to Blackmail the OM... just contact the OBS directly and tell her what you know.

Do not sweep this under the rug.

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8592852
Topic is Sleeping.
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