GentleTears posted 9/29/2020 15:33 PM

27 M and she’s 26 F we were together for 10 years and lived together 7 years before I fucked up and went down a deep dark path mentally and submitted to going and seeing a escort. She FaceTimed me as I got there, which was crazy as soon as I sat the money down, and I lied and what felt like I gaslighted her on it by basically telling her no I was at a store , why don’t you believe me ? (shitty I know) . So later on that day before we went to sleep I decided to tell her which resulted in a lot of questions and painful tears on both sides next day she moved out and took half her stuff . The first couple weeks were eh so so. She asked for NC so I gave it to her but I wasn’t sure what to expect but it was bad. Boundary breaches and random pop ups where she was living on my part led me to getting serious therapy and meditation. One day after about a month and a half I went to a party and was driving home and passed the place where she lives and seen her with another guy really late night .(fuck me eh?) we got into a argument and back on no contact. It was hell on my part and what felt like kicking a drug. So after about 3 weeks she calls me asking to come over and I said sure. We talked and all that but she wasn’t feeling the reconciliation however she said she does still love me , sat on my lap and gave me a strong hug with a lot of tears. Since then we’ve talked and hung out and I even went out of town and told her she could stay a couple days if she liked which she did, I left a little gift set like her favorite wine, bath bombs, dark chocolate and even left a letter and folded it in a heart shaped origami .
She thanked me for it all and said it did feel good to get away from everything and stuff. But here’s where I’m at a standstill or just wall We’ve hung out on multiple occasions, nothing sexual or anything just really reconnecting. There’s a thing that I notice her doing though, it seems that she uses minor things as excuses to hang out like some furniture project I’m working on she asked if she could help I said sure so I gave her a couple panels and she brings them back and we hang out. Also she came to help me repot and resoil some plants at home and that day we spent majority together. However when I do ask about reconciliation and fixing things she tells me “I just want to be alone” “it’s hard for me to see past it/get over it” which I told her I understand but honestly I don’t take that at 100% value and because I’ve spent a decade with this woman and I know she’s hurt and doesn’t want to be hurt again(which she had tears and agreed with) and it’s hard to let her guard down but I’ve really made some life changes by not only correcting all the things that she would tell me about in the relationship but also taking care of my mental health and I hope she sees them and realizes I’m ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of ever hurting her again and that if given the opportunity I can show her better than I can tell her. She really doesn’t respond so I crack a joke and we laugh and I let her in a little bit on my therapy. After that we go get lunch and things seemed great, we spoke about our work week and so forth. She then dropped me off at home and we hugged I left.

Any advice or anything that I should or shouldn’t be doing ?

Timeline is June 2020 till now
NC started Mid July and ended August 23rd

redrock posted 9/29/2020 20:58 PM

Best piece of advice for now is to stop using passive language. You didn’t ‘submit’ to see an escort. You made a series of decisions and actively engaged an escort.

Own it. You can’t change what you won’t allow yourself to acknowledge. Words have power, read your description. Is it true to the facts? U

You get some help, you figure out why. You fix you for you and know that if you have the opportunity to reconcile it’s gonna take a long time to work through the damage.

She’s on a rollercoaster, her behavior is not always going make sense. That’s because the person she wants to comfort and help her is the same person that ripped her heart out. It’s a real mind twist.

Get some IC, do some reading and start the work.

MrCleanSlate posted 9/30/2020 08:56 AM

Gentletears,

Glad you found your way here and are looking for help.

Go to the top of the Wayward Forum and print off the first pinned post - Things That Every WS Needs to Know - it will help you understand what is going on and what you need to be doing.

Maybe it is just the way you write, but you can't just expect your betrayed partner to rug-sweep everything that happened. You really do need to start doing some of the hard work to show her why she should give you a chance to create a new relationship (yup, your old relationship is ashes on the floor of the hooker's place).

The thing is, you didn't just go to see a hooker on the spur of the moment as you indicated you took a dark path mentally. Obviously there was a lot of other stuff going on, and potentially issues in your relationship were festering for some time as well.

So lets see if we can help you get going on the right path. How about you share a little more with us about how you got to the dark place and what led you to go see a hooker.

There is a lot of collective wisdom here that can help you. I suggest you may want to ask the mods to put a STOP sign up on this post so you get a chance to get some wayward feedback to start. Just make up a new post and title it MOD Please and in the message just ask for a stop sign.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 8:57 AM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

GentleTears posted 9/30/2020 10:41 AM

I acted very immaturely when everything seemed to be crumbling in. I lost out on two career opportunities due to COVID , and my day at work was very very hard, dealing with passive aggressive racism and such I just wanted to escape and figured a “quick release” would alleviate my pain (again working on this stupidity) . You might ask “how did you even know where to go to find a escort?”. I had a friend in the industry who basically told me the ins and outs of her work and so on and so forth and as I’m writing this is clicking that she trusted me with that friendship with her and I eroded it.

Chaos posted 9/30/2020 14:19 PM

I had a friend in the industry who basically told me the ins and outs of her work and so on and so forth

This is not a friend. And honestly, shouldn't have ever been one.

I'm old school. A man shouldn't have a female "friend" in the "industry". And a close female "friend" out of the "industry" is questionable.

I just wanted to escape

Don't we all? There are other ways that having an affair. You know this.

Please - we are here to help you help yourself. We can see through the excuses and downplaying with Xray vision.

You have to be honest with yourself first.

GentleTears posted 9/30/2020 14:44 PM

Hey Chaos not sure what you mean by this

. Don't we all? There are other ways that having an affair. You know this

However in response to “seeing through it with X-RAY vision”
Let me elaborate in more why I chose to see an escort. I felt it was zero emotion behind it (which was wrong). I also didn’t feel the need to engage in a connection with the escort. In the moment I didn’t care to banter with another person. And to be completely honest I thought it was the least damaging thing which was the stupidest thought I’ve had in my life. I let my childishness get in the way of making the right decisions in a hard moment.

Chaos posted 10/1/2020 09:48 AM

I mean we all need an escape from time to time. Life is hard. Sometimes it sucks.

There are healthy ways to escape (Vacations, hobbies) and unhealthy ways to escape (affairs, drugs)

You chose an unhealthy way. And I do believe you know this.

Please - find a healthy way to cope with life’s curve balls. Because they will keep coming.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/1/2020 10:56 AM

GT,

Almost always there is a much bigger set of circumstances and reasons behind cheating.

Was there a pattern of behaviour over the years that led your partner to move out after your admission of a one time hooker use? I mean not everyone has friends that work in the sex trade. I am sure my BW would not have been happy if I had friends like that.

Were you on edge at home as well as at work leading up to all this?

How was your relationship before the hooker?

Words often are not enough for a betrayed partner to feel safe or comfortable with a wayward. You need to be doing some of the hard work first, and often that involves major changes in our behaviours.

Carissima posted 10/1/2020 12:45 PM

Did and does your BGF know about this close friendship with a prostitute?
Have you been tested for STIs yet? That should be high on your list.
I have to tell you that as a BW all your excuses would mean nothing because of the fact you lied to your GF's face, actually looked her in the eye lied to her and continued to walk in and pay for sex with someone else. You say you felt like you gaslighted her at this time, no you flat out lied and then continued on to make the betrayal even worse.
You have a lot of work to do and so far all I'm seeing is excuses which amount to I had a bad day/ week, I wanted to and nothing was going to stop me.
It may be too late for you, I think you're GF has been with you since she was 16 and probably has no idea of what her life looks without you. That may explain her current behaviour.

GentleTears posted 10/1/2020 22:14 PM

Chaos- yes I understand it all and I am working on that, exercise and journaling have been my go to for now.

MrCleanslate- As far as the SW she was a classmate and I explained my entire friendship with her with zero hidden things.

Carrisma- Yes she knew of her and let me apologize for not being clear, she was not the one I went to see, the woman I went to see was completely random. I didn’t have sex with her and I know that doesn’t matter because the fault is in the act itself. But yes I did get tested aswell cause I recently had a physical and they checked everything.

My excuses are intolerable I understand that, and. I feel like a piece of shit everytime I explain it because I know it’s so stupid and childish. That’s not what a real good man is and that’s not who I want to be, I’m working on myself now.

HellFire posted 10/1/2020 22:23 PM

Std testing is not typically a part of a physical.

At this point, with all the lying since the first dday you have caused your wife extensive damage. She is extremely traumatized by your repeated abuse. Saying you have told her everything means nothing. Schedule a polygraph. She needs to call the administrator and discuss the questions she wants asked. And you need to take that test.

HellFire posted 10/9/2020 07:17 AM

I find it very telling,that you were very responsive to the comments,until a polygraph was suggested. Then you disappeared.

I know your wife is a member here. I'm sure she finds it very telling as well.

Look, if you want to attempt reconciliation, you have to be honest. She has zero reason to trust you. If you want to help her,and yourself, tell her everything,and back it up with a poly. She deserves that small comfort. Don't you think?

GentleTears posted 10/9/2020 21:21 PM

.

I find it very telling,that you were very responsive to the comments,until a polygraph was suggested. Then you disappeared.
I know your wife is a member here. I'm sure she finds it very telling as well.

Look, if you want to attempt reconciliation, you have to be honest. She has zero reason to trust you. If you want to help her,and yourself, tell her everything,and back it up with a poly. She deserves that small comfort. Don't you think?

I understand your concern but I don’t get notifications of replies and haven’t logged on here since I read you comment and I really had to think of my response. Anyways I think it is a good idea on both sides. But also why do you say your sure she’s on this forum as well?

[This message edited by GentleTears at 9:21 PM, October 9th (Friday)]

prissy4lyfe posted 10/9/2020 23:09 PM

Why does she need to take a poly?

GentleTears posted 10/9/2020 23:59 PM

Prissy; she doesn’t need to but I have my own questions as well

prissy4lyfe posted 10/10/2020 11:56 AM

Questions regarding what?

You need to be careful your not trying to get her "on your level".

Or that you are rewriting your relationship history to make yourself feel better.