Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
DDay was on Labor Day

Topic is Sleeping.
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 DeeplyCrushed202 (original poster New Member #75412) posted at 10:58 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

I posted my story on the SurvivingInfidelity sub reddit last week, but writing has been cathartic for me. Figured I'd post here as well with a bit of an update.

In the early part of March, I started to feel my wife pull away. We had been together for 8 years and our 4 year anniversary in November 2020. We had been having issues the last few years. Not communicating, not being honest about our feelings; mostly because we wanted to be conscious of the other persons feelings. But things went south just as COVID ramped up...

In March I got a video from an anonymous number of my wife doing inappropriate things to another guy. I immediately confronted her about it, to which she told me "that is super old, before we were dating, and you don't need to worry about it." I told her that if something was going on, she should be honest now and we can work through it. She said "no, there's nothing going on." I believed her... how stupid was I?

Flash forward to April... we get in a huge fight. She tells me she isn't happy in the relationship. We talk a bit about how to improve and I have my "oh shit, I better get my ass in gear" moment. I could see the moment she simply stopped caring... we stop having sex. She really stops touching me at all. But I'm working my ass off re-connect with her and blaming all of the issues on myself.

July hits... I tell her I've been seriously depressed for over a year. Lost 2 jobs, one of which was super toxic, felt like a failure. It made me hard to live with and put stress on the relationship. I apologized for everything, cried my eyes out in her arms, and promised to do better. Two weeks later she tells me she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. We start counseling, but it was clear she wasn't being honest and had one foot out the door.

My suspicions had continued to grow these past months. She's a sexual person, but she hasn't felt like it in forever. She stopped touching me, kissing me, or telling me she loved me. Something isn't right and she's not being honest. I leave town for a few days after a nasty counseling session about how she feels so much pressure from me. So fine, let's get some space. I get home early and she's still at a friend's playing games (she actually was). I couldn't help myself and I read her journal. I confirmed that she had been cheating with someone named Jesse. It was clear it was emotional and very likely physical.

I confront her the next day. I sat her down, put our rings on, told her I wanted to have an honest and difficult conversation. I told her we would both be mad and that I was going to leave when I got overwhelmed. I told her I wasn't going to make any decisions or resolve anything. Then I asked "Who is Jesse? Why are they your fairytale?"

I'd blindsided her... good, no back tracking. She told me, "I met him on Reddit back in March. It didn't start as anything, but quickly escalated." Much of the rest of the conversation involved her trying to justify her decision because of the pre-A issues and is a bit of a blur for me. I don't remember much expression of remorse though. I could see she was conflicted, it was obvious she felt bad, it was obvious I had ruined her fairytale. But you could see she was still holding back. I left at that point and stayed with a friend. I came back the next morning and told her she needed to leave for awhile. Didn't get much more information... Jesse know she was married, the piece of shit. He doesn't know where we live, she hasn't been having unprotected sex with us both. She agrees to go to her sister's...

The following week was a blur and I haven't seen her. Shock ran so heavy that I can't separate the days. I haven't talked to her much since. Only logistical things and small things like photos of the dog. I want to fix it because that's who I am and the commitment I made. I don't think she does... I don't think she's strong enough even if she wanted to. We meet with the counselor on Saturday... Saturday is going to suck.

Emotions are still running high, so I'm trying to remind myself to take my time and process. I've called a few lawyers to arm myself with knowledge. I've started an individual therapy plan. I've talked to my GP to get some meds to help me deal with the depression/anxiousness and to help me sleep for the first time in 2 weeks. I have amazing friends... someone has been with me almost every waking hour. I made sure the truth was out to our families and friends. She hadn't really told anyone for 6 months, she needs people to talk to and support her as much as I do.

Things don't look good. I prepare for the worst, but still pray we'll at least give it enough time to explore our feelings. I still hope she is a good person, the strong, intelligent, empathic person I married. Not much hope left on that front...

posts: 1   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CO
id 8588734
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 11:39 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

Sorry you are going through this. You reacted to dday like most. Your first instinct is to save your M and you dive into the pick me dance to try and nice her back. It never works. And makes you look weak in your WW’s eyes especially in comparison to the OM. Read in the healing library and implement the 180. Take care of you. Nothing you did caused your WW to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Blameshifting is a common tactic for a cheater. You need to shut it down.

See an attorney and learn your rights. Get tested for STD’s. There is a saying here that you have to risk losing your M to have a chance to save it.

Always value yourself. Get stronger for you. Exercise and get out with friends. Take firm action. If it were me I would file for D. You can always stop the process if your WW demonstrates she is a candidate for R. You are the prize and deserve better. If Jesse is married or has gf expose to his OBS promptly. She deserves to know what is going on. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2792   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8588761
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:49 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

Here's a standard toolkit. Take it or leave it, all I can tell you is it is the most effective set of steps for you to take. What you're doing now is communicating weakness and digging deeper.

1. Accept that not only is your WW lying, she's lying about everything. Lies of omission and commission both.

2. Accept that this is your wife, not a space alien or demon who possessed your wife. This is actually WHO YOUR WIFE IS. This is who you married. It's a part of her.

3. Expose the affair immediately to her immediate family - her parents, siblings, etc. Don't delay on this. EDIT: Sounds like you already did this?

4. See an attorney as soon as possible to outline for you what divorce looks like, what the law looks like and what filing looks like. EDIT: Sounds like you already did this as well. Good for you.

5. Implement immediately a hard 180 on your wife. Look in the library section of the SI sidebar to learn more about this. Soft 180 is harder to implement. Hard 180 is easier especially for a recently betrayed spouse in shock.

6. Stop any version of the pick-me dance. Stop begging, pleading, crying, allowing her to initiate affection.

7. Demand she go NO CONTACT with her affair partner. She must write a letter spelling out no contact. Any breach of no contact should end in immediate filing of divorce.

8. She must immediately read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald and immediately begin implementing the steps outlined therein - any balking or avoidance by your WW is a huge red flag (my WW balked and this should have been a red flag for me, but I didn't know any better; now you do).

9. She must turn over all electronic devices for recovery software, such a smart phone and turn over passwords for her phone account, social media, any form of communication.

10. Run recovery software on her phone. I believe the consensus is that Dr. Fone is the best right now, but others may have more recent information.

11. Go to BestBuy (or the UK equivalent) today or tomorrow and purchase at least two-three VARs. The latest Sony model in the $50-60 price range is what you want. Buy some cheap headphones, clip them off and plug them into the VARs. Get some industrial grade velcro and attach them in her car, somewhere in the house where she puts on makeup in the morning. The 3rd VAR is for you to carry in your pocket at all times.

12. She must plant her butt in a chair over the weekend and begin writing out for you a detailed WRITTEN narrative timeline of the affair without omitting anything important to the truth. You don't need to know every whispered word or every stupid emoji they shared. But you need to know "The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." This should be DETAILED. Many pages in length. Nota bene, the verbal version she has given you IS NOT ENOUGH. You reading her journal in snippets is NOT ENOUGH. She needs to spell it out for you.

13. Find a qualified polygraph examiner in your area and schedule it for two weeks from now. She should have one week to complete the timeline, one week for you to read and ask additional questions, and then she takes a polygraph to verify the authenticity of the written timeline. The polygraph is not a panacea; it's instead a prerequisite for getting the truth and testing her truthfulness. If she balks, refuses, etc. file for divorce.

14. Before COB tomorrow, she should have at least scheduled an appointment to get a full STD/STI panel to ensure she has not been exposed. You will need to do the same. If she balks or delays on this, file for divorce.

15. Find a good betrayal trauma specialist in your area and sign up for IC for yourself as soon as possible. If the specialist works with a partner (they often do) ask if your wife can enroll immediately with that partner for her own IC. This particular speciality is best equipped for holding your wife's feet to the fire. Other counselors aren't. DO NOT acquiesce to any kind of marital or couples counseling. I cannot emphasize this enough. Marital counseling is USELESS in an infidelity situation; much later perhaps. But not for the foreseeable future.

17. You should reject any attempts by her to offload responsibility for the affair onto you. This is called blameshifting. Her shitty choices and transgressive behavior are on HER. 100 percent.

18. Other standard "bag of tricks" cheaters use you should reject: trickle truth (the whole truth comes out in drips and drabs which will ensure you hate her eventually), gaslighting (you've already experienced this), rationalizing the affair, minimizations (she didn't enjoy the sex or didn't orgasm or he didnt, etc), rewriting the history of your marriage (a lot of this she has already done in her "I love you but I'm not in love with you" style conversations. These are all lies. You might tell her upfront if she does anything of these things to you again, it will result in immediate divorce.

19. Accept that sex with her is not going to be the same now. She gave her body away and you will feel some level of revulsion for her. Now I also mean this in a complicated way. Let me explain: You may find yourself falling into hysterical bonding with her and it may feel great for a good long while. You will both desire her and be repelled by her. Even when HB is going on you're going to have mind movies about her affair and that's a real boner killer. Eventually even the intense pleasure of hysterical bonding will wear off over time. Then you'll struggle with feelings of emasculation and shame and self worth. You'll need to wrap your head around these feelings: They aren't true, but you will feel them all the same. You deserve to have intimate physical relations with a woman that hasn't sullied herself and you deserve sex that is good, honest, pure and highly pleasurable. You deserve this as a man and as a human. And you can get it with another woman if you've divorced.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:24 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4214   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8588765
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:51 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

you're making a mistake going to a marital or couples counselor with her. Over and over again this is a huge mistake. Call it off. Hard 180. No MC.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4214   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8588768
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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 1:37 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I'm confused....she had sex with him or not?

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8588818
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Tanner ( Member #72235) posted at 2:41 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I’m sorry you find yourself here. MC is a waste of your time. Your (M)arriage didn’t cause her to cheat. She destroyed the M so no MC.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 710   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8588832
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 12:29 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Brother a shit sandwich

Your going to get a lot of information on brown at you from the good folk here.

Get tested for STDs and STIs ASAP.

Get legal advice regardless you need to know your rights and her responsibilities. Eat healthy and drink water. Take your time in making any long term relationship decisions.

Hard 180 no pick me dancing. It will make you look week.

You can’t make her remain in this marriage and she can’t make you remain as well. If you want to work on it she has to go NC with him. Medical checks etc.

Just take your time.

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8588946
Topic is Sleeping.
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