Here's a standard toolkit. Take it or leave it, all I can tell you is it is the most effective set of steps for you to take. What you're doing now is communicating weakness and digging deeper.
1. Accept that not only is your WW lying, she's lying about everything. Lies of omission and commission both.
2. Accept that this is your wife, not a space alien or demon who possessed your wife. This is actually WHO YOUR WIFE IS. This is who you married. It's a part of her.
3. Expose the affair immediately to her immediate family - her parents, siblings, etc. Don't delay on this. EDIT: Sounds like you already did this?
4. See an attorney as soon as possible to outline for you what divorce looks like, what the law looks like and what filing looks like. EDIT: Sounds like you already did this as well. Good for you.
5. Implement immediately a hard 180 on your wife. Look in the library section of the SI sidebar to learn more about this. Soft 180 is harder to implement. Hard 180 is easier especially for a recently betrayed spouse in shock.
6. Stop any version of the pick-me dance. Stop begging, pleading, crying, allowing her to initiate affection.
7. Demand she go NO CONTACT with her affair partner. She must write a letter spelling out no contact. Any breach of no contact should end in immediate filing of divorce.
8. She must immediately read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald and immediately begin implementing the steps outlined therein - any balking or avoidance by your WW is a huge red flag (my WW balked and this should have been a red flag for me, but I didn't know any better; now you do).
9. She must turn over all electronic devices for recovery software, such a smart phone and turn over passwords for her phone account, social media, any form of communication.
10. Run recovery software on her phone. I believe the consensus is that Dr. Fone is the best right now, but others may have more recent information.
11. Go to BestBuy (or the UK equivalent) today or tomorrow and purchase at least two-three VARs. The latest Sony model in the $50-60 price range is what you want. Buy some cheap headphones, clip them off and plug them into the VARs. Get some industrial grade velcro and attach them in her car, somewhere in the house where she puts on makeup in the morning. The 3rd VAR is for you to carry in your pocket at all times.
12. She must plant her butt in a chair over the weekend and begin writing out for you a detailed WRITTEN narrative timeline of the affair without omitting anything important to the truth. You don't need to know every whispered word or every stupid emoji they shared. But you need to know "The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." This should be DETAILED. Many pages in length. Nota bene, the verbal version she has given you IS NOT ENOUGH. You reading her journal in snippets is NOT ENOUGH. She needs to spell it out for you.
13. Find a qualified polygraph examiner in your area and schedule it for two weeks from now. She should have one week to complete the timeline, one week for you to read and ask additional questions, and then she takes a polygraph to verify the authenticity of the written timeline. The polygraph is not a panacea; it's instead a prerequisite for getting the truth and testing her truthfulness. If she balks, refuses, etc. file for divorce.
14. Before COB tomorrow, she should have at least scheduled an appointment to get a full STD/STI panel to ensure she has not been exposed. You will need to do the same. If she balks or delays on this, file for divorce.
15. Find a good betrayal trauma specialist in your area and sign up for IC for yourself as soon as possible. If the specialist works with a partner (they often do) ask if your wife can enroll immediately with that partner for her own IC. This particular speciality is best equipped for holding your wife's feet to the fire. Other counselors aren't. DO NOT acquiesce to any kind of marital or couples counseling. I cannot emphasize this enough. Marital counseling is USELESS in an infidelity situation; much later perhaps. But not for the foreseeable future.
17. You should reject any attempts by her to offload responsibility for the affair onto you. This is called blameshifting. Her shitty choices and transgressive behavior are on HER. 100 percent.
18. Other standard "bag of tricks" cheaters use you should reject: trickle truth (the whole truth comes out in drips and drabs which will ensure you hate her eventually), gaslighting (you've already experienced this), rationalizing the affair, minimizations (she didn't enjoy the sex or didn't orgasm or he didnt, etc), rewriting the history of your marriage (a lot of this she has already done in her "I love you but I'm not in love with you" style conversations. These are all lies. You might tell her upfront if she does anything of these things to you again, it will result in immediate divorce.
19. Accept that sex with her is not going to be the same now. She gave her body away and you will feel some level of revulsion for her. Now I also mean this in a complicated way. Let me explain: You may find yourself falling into hysterical bonding with her and it may feel great for a good long while. You will both desire her and be repelled by her. Even when HB is going on you're going to have mind movies about her affair and that's a real boner killer. Eventually even the intense pleasure of hysterical bonding will wear off over time. Then you'll struggle with feelings of emasculation and shame and self worth. You'll need to wrap your head around these feelings: They aren't true, but you will feel them all the same. You deserve to have intimate physical relations with a woman that hasn't sullied herself and you deserve sex that is good, honest, pure and highly pleasurable. You deserve this as a man and as a human. And you can get it with another woman if you've divorced.
[This message edited by Thumos at 6:24 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]