I feel like my circumstances may completely differ from others on this site...
Two months ago, I drove me and my boyfriend home from a jack and jill party, obviously he had been drinking and I was the DD.
(Both the kids were asleep, my daughter and our son, blended family. It feels weird to call him my boyfriend because we’ve been together for over 4 years and we own a house and have a child together, but we’ve both been married before and don’t feel the need to be married by law again. But we always refer to each other as husband and wife even though it’s not “legal”)
When we got home, after the babysitter left, I couldn’t find my phone. I asked him to open his phone for me (it’s a face recognition open) so I could call myself to find my phone. His phone popped open to his text messages that was recently opened and I saw a message from “Megan” and it said “I miss you! When can we hang out again 😉😘”
I immediately scrolled back through the text feed and realized he’d been sleeping with this woman as recently as 4 days prior. I closed the conversation and saw another recent text feed with a woman simply titled as “tinder Ashley”
I shut his phone off immediately and went and sat outside to chain smoke cigs for the next 5 hours.
I’m not the snooping type. We have a polyamorous relationship and have been open about that desire from both of us since meeting. Many of you are probably at this point thinking, ok - well she asked for this type of relationship so why is she here. We had an agreement. We had open communication about our relationship rules and what we both needed from the other to feel secure, much like wedding vows. We agreed that for me to feel safe and secure all I needed was for him to talk to me about anything before hand. Literally just a text message “ hey I met this girl on a dating website and we are meeting up for coffee in 15 minutes” ... ok, I was cool with that. Thanks for letting me know, tell me about it later.
Two months ago when I found these messages I had no clue. I had been blind sided!
I sent him a text message so when he woke up the next morning hungover he would realize he needed to have a cup of coffee and be prepared to talk to me. I was so calm it was weird, maybe I was in shock. I asked who Megan was and it immediately turned into gaslighting.
“Why was I reading through his phone.
Why was I always making him feel bad about other women.
If I hadn’t made it so hard for him to communicate he wouldn’t have done this.
I made it too hard for him to talk to me because I made him feel guilty.” Etc etc
I know gaslighting is a normal reaction. As is anger. (I had been all over the internet reading all night) So when he told me we were more like roommates than a couple and told me if I wasn’t happy I could leave, I told him I was going for a walk.
I came home and we put the kids to bed and told him we needed to talk more.
I told him he broke my trust. I needed some things to start the healing process. I needed him to come clean with these women and tell them the truth - that I had no idea about them and that he cheated. He refused. He said he didn’t see the point in that and just ghosted these girls. I told him I needed access to his phone, that I needed the passcode and I needed to read the full conversations with these women. He refused. He said he wasn’t going to let me read things that would only make me more angry.
He has apologized to me me three times. Only once had been sober.
He hasn’t changed a single thing in his behavior or actions. He is honest when I ask him questions but is not forthcoming with anything. I feel like he should be fucking groveling! I feel like he should be doing whatever I want to make this right! Before I was in shock - now I am hurt and just seriously fucking pissed!!! And I don’t swear that much - I think it can lessen intellect. But fuck is the word that comes to my mind most.
I don’t know if I just needed to vent to people who have felt what I’m feeling or if I just needed to get all this off my chest but thank you.
Thank you for reading this.
And I’m so sincerely sorry. I know all of you who have read this are feeling or have felt in the past... this. And this truly fucking sucks. I’m so sorry you are here with me on this site. In this terrible awful lonely limbo state of being...