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 Gdthissucks (original poster New Member #75380) posted at 3:23 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Hello everyone.

Today marks day 3 for me of learning of a portion of things that have transpired. One of my WS OP's reached out to me with a small portion of things shared between them. Later that night/next morning I did a little digging and unearthed another OP from 2017. I confronted my WS with what I had to be met with anger denial and a slew of emotions I was not prepared for. I am at a loss right now, I have no idea what to do and found this forum looking for somewhere to find help and reassurance during this time. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[This message edited by Gdthissucks at 9:31 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

posts: 7   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2020
id 8585284
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 3:36 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Gdthissuck,

I am so sorry you are here, but glad you found this community.

Firstly a little more detail will better help the community assist you.

As to what to do, there is a much more extensive list, but for right now:

Backup, save and secure all evidence. Your [W]ayward [W]ife might just delete any evidence she can lay her hands on.

Record all interactions with her, this might just save you from a false [D]omestic [V]iolence charge and adds to your evidence.

Consult with a lawyer to see what divorce will look like. Do this regardless of wanting to [D]ivorce or [R]econcile.

Do not offer her R off the bat. Even if you want to save your marriage (which she has already unilaterally ended) you can not do so by doing the pick-me dance. You need to put yourself in a position of strength and you do so by letting her know you are willing to walk.

STD tests all around. You don't know what your wife and through her, you had been exposed to.

Wiser souls will be around to give you more complete strategies which you can follow, but again, the more information you provide, the better the advice will be.

Strength to you on this road you were force upon.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8585294
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 3:43 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I'm sorry you're here.

I confronted my WS with what I had to be met with anger denial and a slew of emotions I was not prepared for.

Your wife's response is actually pretty typical. Read some of the posts here and you'll find your wife is a pretty typical cheater.

Finally, generally the more information you provide the more useful the advice.

- how old are you guys?

- any kids?

- how long married?

- how long have you known her?

- does she work/is she financially dependent on you?

- who are the OM? where did she meet them?

- how did you find out?

- what do you know about the OM (married?)

- what exactly did she say when confronted?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:44 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8585298
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Unhinged ( Member #47977) posted at 3:53 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Hello, Gdthissucks. Welcome to SI, the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

Take some time and read the two threads pinned to the top of the forum: "The Tactical Primer" and "Newbies, important information..."

When you're ready, check out The Healing Library (see yellow shaded area at the top-left of the page). Inside the Library you'll find a wealth of information and excellent essays by SI members to help get you started on your journey towards recovery and healing.

Hold on to your hat, brother. For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. It hits hard, it hits deep, and it takes a long time to recover and heal.

If you can't sleep (which is extremely common), try a mild OTC sleep aid. If that doesn't help, consult your PCP (and don't be afraid to tell him what's going on in your life).

Most wayward spouses will go into "damage control" mode upon discovery. They will lie, deceive, minimize, deflect, blame-shift, gas-light and so on and so forth. So, prepare yourself for all kinds of bullshit, you know?

Keep on posting and reading here. You've come to the right place.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:54 AM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6361   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8585302
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 3:58 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Welcome to the best club you never planned on joining....

We are here because we have walked the path before you. There are a few things I tell every newbie to do, while your story is unique cheating is not. Cheaters are not unique either, and tend to follow the same play book.

1. See an attorney - find out your rights, her obligations, what a D looks like (even if you don't plan on doing it) what Separation looks like. What you need to do to protect yourself if your WS (wayward spouse) doesn't stop, or try to be the spouse you deserve.

2. Talk to your Dr. Go get full STD testing, this will mean bloodwork, and swabs. Do NOT have unprotected sex w/ her until she does the same, and SHOWS you the results. Cheaters lie. A lot. When you are there talk to your Dr about a referral for a therapist that specializes in trauma. Also let your Dr know if you are having significant issues with sleep and eating. Both of which can be difficult when in the first few days of this significant trauma and abuse.

3. Understand that her choice to cheat has ZERO to do with you, what kind of spouse you are, what kind of person you. It has 100% to do with her and her brokenness. DO NOT ALLOW her to blame you, or manipulate you. That is not the cause of her shitty choices.

Check out the healing library upper left side of your screen. There will be others along soon to offer more support and understanding.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18918   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8585303
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 4:15 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Welcome to the club no one really wants to be a member of. I'm so sorry you had to find us, but you're in good hands from now on. The community is comprised of more than 75,000 people who had to walk the same path long before you. Our seasoned veterans will probably ask you questions to help them offer you the best advice they can. Give as much info as you can and follow the advice. While you as an individual and your marriage are unique, your cheating wife is not.

The first order of the day is to get you to a better place, both mentally and physically. It will also give you more clarity and help you deal with your daily struggles in the foreseeable future.

Whatever happens, remember: IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8585314
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 Gdthissucks (original poster New Member #75380) posted at 4:31 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

So a bit more info.

We've been married for 6 years, no children thankfully. Neither of us are big 'kid people' I love our nieces and nephews but couldn't imagine a mini me of my own to care for.

We've known each other for a little of 7 years. She is and has been completely dependent on me financially the entire marriage as she has some non diagnosed medical condition that she says makes her severely dizzy, her legs and feet turn deep purple if she's on her feet for too long. As for the OM

She met both of them that I know of online through World of Warcraft. And as far as I know only one of them became physical.

When I confronted her the very first thing she said was 'he's lying' beyond that I don't remember the exacts but key notes from that conversation was her saying that the unsavory photographs of her that I received from the OM were stolen from her phone that 'he must have hacked my phone' to the screen shots of conversations of the most recent OM she claimed that it was a fake account staged by him including the photographs that were in the screenshots. As far as the OM from 2017 where I found Facebook messenger messages she denied everything and said the conversation never occured even after i pointed out that it was between OM and her current Facebook account.

I haven't offered R and to her demand that i believe her or leave I told her that I need some time. I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet but have a sit down scheduled later this week. I told her that I just want to know the truth so that i can show her the forgiveness that I owe her and to just get the truth out so we can begin to address this and figure things out from here. To that, she denied everything again became angry and said very little after a brief outburst. I've been maintaining distance within the home occupying my mancave trying to stay occupied with a reread of a couple terry goodkind books. Thank you all again for reading and the replies.

A bit of a back story for me, I don't come from a close family. My birthday was yesterday and I didn't receive a phone call/email/text from anyone. I don't connect well with others and do not have any friends beyond the group of guys I play games with online DnD/Rust

posts: 7   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2020
id 8585326
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 4:41 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

her saying that the unsavory photographs of her that I received from the OM were stolen from her phone

Do you have any suspicions as to why OM reached out to you? Did he perhaps state his motives openly?

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8585332
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 4:44 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

What are the odds that two different men have staged affairs with your Wife? 0% would be my estimate. You know she's lying. I can't imagine what there is to think about in this case. She is doing some extreme gaslighting here. Look it up if you're not familiar with the concept but she is trying to deny the reality of things you can see right in front of you. Her AP is some kind of master hacker that "hacked her phone"? Really? That's the story she's going with?

These pictures you saw, had you ever seen them before? Had they been sent to you? Ask her why she even had them for them to be hacked? Or hell don't even do that. Arguing with her on these points is just stupid and playing the game she wants you to play. She is lying. You know it. Don't even entertain that she is not.

What was the motivation for the POSOM to even send this stuff to you? Is he trying to split you up so she will be single? Did she break up with him or refuse to leave you? Beyond lying to you has she done anything else? Does she still play WoW and talk to these guys?

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8585335
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 4:45 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Gdthissucks,

Congratulations on your birthday yesterday and may you have many more and definitely a lot happier ones.

I told her that I just want to know the truth so that i can show her the forgiveness that I owe her and to just get the truth out so we can begin to address this and figure things out from here.

Let us just be clear, you don't owe her forgiveness, you don't owe her anything. Yes forgiveness is good, but it's good for you. Grudges are like lead around your body while you are treading water and forgiveness is the means to rid yourself of the lead.

I just hate it when people lie in the face of evidence in an effort to make you doubt yourself.

Don't doubt your evidence unless you yourself have something other than her word that makes you doubt. You went as far as to post here and for that reason, I think you believe the evidence deep down. Trust your gut on this.

Strength to you and one step at a time, just make sure your footing is solid and your direction planned.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8585339
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 4:59 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I told her that I just want to know the truth so that i can show her the forgiveness that I owe her and to just get the truth out so we can begin to address this and figure things out from here.

Don't think about forgiveness and don't discuss it with her. One day, a long time from now, you may want to forgive her for the sake of your own peace of mind. She may be long gone from your life by then.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8585344
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SilverStar ( Member #46958) posted at 5:11 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

She lies, she's angry and lashes out, she doesn't work, she plays video games and meets men through the game and sends them slutty pictures.

You don't want kids but it seems you have a teenager in the house.

Can you talk a bit about what this woman brings to the table of this relationship? From what you have shared, I'd recommend seeing a lawyer as your first step towards emancipating this teenager, and I'm generally pro-R.

BW me
WH him
2 kids
D-Day 11/11/14

posts: 455   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8585350
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 5:21 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I don't connect well with others and do not have any friends

gd, I know I picked only part of what you wrote (for emphasis). You have A LOT of support here. For many, including myself, the virtual "friends" here taught me immensely and took care of me better than anyone else could have.

Your WW sounds like a very selfish person. You provided for her and supported her for 6-7 years, while she plays games online and start EA's and PA's. Her reaction to your confrontation shows you that talking to her right now will accomplish nothing. You should start the 180 while you wait to talk to your lawyer. Find out what you can do to protect yourself as much as possible, or you may end up paying alimony so she can sit at home and continue her online relationships.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8585356
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 5:31 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I told her that I just want to know the truth so that i can show her the forgiveness that I owe her and to just get the truth out

Why is that you owe her forgiveness?

posts: 135   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8585361
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 5:31 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

For many, including myself, the virtual "friends" here taught me immensely and took care of me better than anyone else could have.

Agreed. I remember Okokok preparing me for the last encounter with my then cheating girlfriend - like a director going over the lines with an actor :-)

BTW Gdthissucks: Some folks may use pretty strong language and imagery, but don't be put off by it - they're genuinely trying to help you.

On the other hand, you don't seem like someone in dire need of a 2x4.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8585362
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 Gdthissucks (original poster New Member #75380) posted at 7:51 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Thank you once again for all the support.

As to what she brings to the relationship, she has been a homebody. She's kept up with the daily chores with assistance throughout our marriage.

For the reason OP1 reached out to me, I am unsure. WW said that he wants to break us up so he has his shot with her which I want to believe but not 100% on.

And no, I had never seen the photos before OP1 sent them to me.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2020
id 8585421
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 8:52 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I haven't offered R and to her demand that i believe her or leave I told her that I need some time. I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet but have a sit down scheduled later this week. I told her that I just want to know the truth so that i can show her the forgiveness that I owe her and to just get the truth out so we can begin to address this and figure things out from here. To that, she denied everything again became angry and said very little after a brief outburst.

Very smart. ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FORGIVING. The corollary to that is, NOBODY CAN DEMAND YOU FORGIVE THEM. Is she telling the truth? Seems hard to say right now but I'm always looking at these "I must have been hacked" as a standard script for people who are caught these days. Ask yourself: what seems most likely? She got hacked? For what reason?

I've been maintaining distance within the home occupying my mancave trying to stay occupied with a reread of a couple terry goodkind books.

Suggestion: Joe Abercrombie (fantastic writer) First Law trilogy and Mr. K.J. Parker, particularly his recent 16 wasy to defend a walled city and How to rule and empire and get away with it. You're welcome. :-)

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8585441
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 9:10 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

What is the history of the PA? Did she travel? Did he? Have you gotten a full panel STD check yet?

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8585450
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 9:26 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

GDThisSucks-

Married 6 yrs and you have found out about 2 affairs already. Your WW is also not apologetic, and rather she is being defensive. What does this tell us, and you? She is not sorry for getting caught, she is angry that you caught her and now shell have to go into hiding more of her affair.

Usually, everyone on the board will say its up to you, and you get to choose to leave or not. Dude, you have no kids, and you're married to a serial cheater who doesn't contribute to your life. It may make more sense to detach from her and get IC help. You are a marketable and valuable mate/partner in the dating pool. What does your WW have to offer? She sits her ass at home playing games, with no skills, and cannot work. GOOD FUCKING LUCK with that shit. At the very least, if she was at home, be grateful, and not go cheat on the man who is providing for you, but yet that is not who she is. Not only is she not greatful, she's cheated on you multiple times that you know, and is now confrontational about it.

You have nothing to lose by divorcing her ass. Depending on what state you live in, you better start acting fast too. You are going to be on the hook to take care of her right now for about 3 yrs, keep staying married to her, and you'll be on the hook for a hell of a lot longer.

posts: 1141   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8585451
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heartbroken_kk ( Member #22722) posted at 10:40 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Hi Gdts, welcome. We are here for you. We will help you. You can write anything you want here. This is your safe place to learn and process what you are going through.

Keep posting. This is how we learn enough about your situation to keep giving you good advice and help you through the pain you are in.

It's helpful if you keep adding to your thread. Try to respond to questions if you can. Add new information as you are able. Update us on new things that occur.

We are here for you.

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

posts: 2540   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2009   ·   location: California
id 8585489
Topic is Sleeping.
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