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Just found out... don't know what to do next

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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:01 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Hello there .

I am the guy who had all the evidence he could ever want and still stayed for the kid for 4 more years.

If you want my opinion- don't do it.

The cost is steep. More than monetary. It will cost you a thousand nights sleep and your self esteem.

Let her go as soon as possible.

See my post history for more info.

Hello there, I am also this same guy - what a coincidence (or not, because our experiences are so common). Four years this month my WW kicked off her ill-advised, star-crossed, stupid affair.

Last month I told her in no uncertain terms I wanted a divorce, and I've been moving forward with the process since then.

The cost is very steep for staying. I had a wake up call earlier this year. I was told I'd had a heart attack. That turned out not be true, thank God, but there's no doubt that staying and trying to eat the shit sandwich landed me in a cardiologist's office.

I'm staring down 50 now and I want to live the rest of my life free.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4214   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8587790

leftbroken ( Member #53741) posted at 4:20 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

So you have all the evidence you need to prove she is cheating. She offers to show you her phone anytime and then denies the request because she hasn’t had time to clean it out of all the evidence. You were turned away from a divorce lawyer for conflict of interest so obviously she has at minimum explored the option of leaving you for the other man.

It is simple, she got caught off balance and is doing what she thinks is expected of her because that’s what you’re supposed to do. She’s doing this to buy time until she figures out her game plan. She is going to explore her options with the OM to see if she wants this to be an exit affair and if he is interested in replacing you. Once she has figured out her path, you are going to see her behaviours change.

If her OM decides to run than you will see her acting all remorseful and telling you that you’re the love of her life and she made a stupid mistake that she will spend her life making up to you. If the other man is staying in the picture but stringing your wife along until he splits with his wife then she will be acting like, “oh,I need some time to sort out my feelings.” If her and OM have decided to make a go of it, it will be anger from her telling you how it’s all your fault and you’re a terrible husband.

Take away all the options from her with shock and awe, keep her off balance and applying pressure until you get the full truth and decide from there if you are done or not.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 10:27 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8587797

steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 5:04 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

My XWW denied, denied, denied. Standard practice unless you have some sort of proof or overwhelming circumstantial evidence.

She pulled all sorts of things. She couldn't believe I would think that of her, gently or slightly weeping. She swore before God (we're born again Christians). She said that if I thought she was cheating I must be cheating.

I don't know where they get these things but they seem very common along with the ILYBIANILWY and I don't love you and don't think I ever did.

You know she's lying. I believed my XWW was but never got evidence. I needed evidence for me. She lied convincingly to me and she would to our daughters. You have pretty good evidence. I don't think you need anymore.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4657   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8587815

Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 5:18 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

. I have not notified his wife or anything. I don't know if that is something I should do or start at this point?

Someone advised that your WW tell the OBS about the hotel. Do not do this as it's a cruel thing to do to the OBS. It's also cruel to not tell her what is going on. You need to call her ASAP. You will probably get more of the story from her. Perhaps they are having marriage problems because she caught him cheating with your WW.... Perhaps they are not having marriage problems and she thought he was visiting his sick grandmother when left for the hotel. Perhaps they are in marriage counseling and she thinks it's going really well. They might seem far fetched but I've seen each of these play out on SI before. The gist of this is that you may get more truthful information from the OBS than you are from your WW.

Do not tell your WW that you are going to contact the OBS. This is also a good way to find out if your WW has really gone NC.

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8587827

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 7:57 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

I actually do think the OMW deserves to know about the hotel.

It’s a question of wording. I advise careful wording, as if you fear a libel suit after each sentence.

There is a world of difference in telling the OMW “My wife and your husband are having a sexual affair and at it like rabbits at the local ACME-Motel”


“I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but think you deserve to know. I believe your husband and my wife are having an affair. I know he spent an evening at my home when I wasn’t here, I know they spent time together in a stationary vehicle and I know they have at least once rented a hotel room together. My wife denies it was sexual, but despite that I believe you need to know”.

Regarding the OM and his wife having marital issues: It’s ALWAYS that. Usually followed with the wife being unstable and please don’t tell her because she threatens to kill herself and the children and will ensure that her powerful daddy who is in the same Rotary as the judge will make sure he never sees his kids again.

If this was a betrayed husband, he’s ALWAYS a raging abusive alcoholic with a gun fetish.

Well… At least according to the WS.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8587882

jtom ( Member #35322) posted at 8:08 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Helluva mess but you've reacted really well,with one exception. You need to tell the OBS,now. Like other posters have said its the right an moral thing to do. An it could be a matter of life an death with the STDs out there. She needs to get tested like yourself. By not telling her, YOU now become a coconspirator against her along with your WW and her married boyfriend. Think about what the OBS,will think of you when she finds out, an she will eventually,that YOU knew an didn't tell her. Do the right thing,tell her.Stay strong.


posts: 292   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2012   ·   location: somewhere in texas
id 8587893

 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 8:14 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

I don't know the OMW and don't know how to get in touch with her. The PI is trying to get more info now and I will reach out when I get it.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8587898

Dismayed2012 ( Member #49151) posted at 8:21 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

At this point your WW has warned the OM and he's likely spinning a lie to his betrayed wife so when you do contact she'll not believe you. Plan your contact with her in such a way that it will not spoil your divorce plans. When you do reveal to the OBS, you should give her a copy of the evidence the PI has gathered as well as whatever other evidence you have. Only you can know your particular situation. If you need to delay telling the OBS, then delay. She deserves to know but your future is more important right now.

Take care of yourself.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1798   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8587901

Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 9:06 AM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Well done, let the PI do the job they are paid to do. You just focus on the lawyer and getting out of infidelity.

WW, well don’t take any affection as a sign she is a loving wife. Look at her actions and truthfulness.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 6:41 PM, September 16th (Wednesday)]


posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8588089

BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 1:49 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

I don't know the OMW and don't know how to get in touch with her. The PI is trying to get more info now and I will reach out when I get it.

That was a good call. But by now your WW must have informed OM about the situation. And OM would try to minimize the situation for OMW with some lies. OMW might even refuse to talk to you. Then you know your WW and OM are in contact.

Your only strength is VAR Recordings and messages. Bank on them. Let both of them know that you know more than they think. They will squirm in frustation until one of them will break while you proceed with D.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8588134

Ginny ( Member #43196) posted at 1:52 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

I rarely disagree with Bigger, but I would leave out the line “My wife denies it was sexual” in your notification of the OBS. That sentence gives a Betrayed Spouse a lifeline to cling to if she doesn’t want to believe it right away. Some spouses would have a reason to want to rug sweep the information.

Give her the facts and let her make her own conclusions. If you have further conversations you can tell her your wife is denying anything sexual although the facts would suggest otherwise.

I am one of those wives that would have stood by my man, not believing a stranger. I guess it’s a “good thing” it was irrefutable in my case, as I walked in on them in bed together.

DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
Trying to R

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2014
id 8588138

Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:08 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

I wouldn’t call it disagreeing with me Ginny – rather positive input to help the OP. I’m all for that!

What makes Ginny’s point resonate with me is that she has stood in those shoes and correctly explains how a spouse might hang on to a shred of doubt. I would take it seriously into consideration.

What I was trying to do is to word the situation in such a way that the message is clear and factual.

Since your wife denies sex then maybe leave the word sex out of the conversation?

Simply tell her:

“I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but think you deserve to know. I believe your husband and my wife are having an affair. I know he spent an evening at my home when I wasn’t here, I know they spent time together in a stationary vehicle and I know they have at least once rented a hotel room together. I believe you need to know”.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8588140

Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 3:05 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

If she was R material, she'd be doing back flips to win you back (100% transparency, 100% NC, providing you with the contact info of the OBS, self help books, IC, ...). Clearly she's not.

Instead, at this stage your wife is in damage control protecting her lifestyle (nice comfortable safe marriage) and reputation.

Inform her that she is not trustworthy and therefore her words/promises/explanations mean nothing.

In order to diffuse the situation and encourage her cooperation, inform her she has a year until the divorce is final to prove (through actions not promises) that she is trustworthy and deserves a second chance. In the meantime, the clock is ticking toward divorce.

If you want to shut down her lies, ask her to take a polygraph test. It doesn't matter if you believe they're reliable (just as long as your wife believes you do).

Just the prospect of facing a polygraph is often enough to immediately stop the lies.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8588491

99problems ( Member #59373) posted at 1:36 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Try not to let yourself forget that she beat you to that divorce lawyer... She's not remorseful...

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 999   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8588817

Talisman ( Member #75398) posted at 3:21 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Thank you for all the advice. She has continued to try to bargain. Offering whatever I want to take her back and trust her again. She continues to lie to my face about things I know to be true. She said he called her last minute to see him, so she went. I asked to see her phone right then to see the call and the time he called her and she wouldn't show me.

I have a lot of support from my family and friends. I have not notified his wife.

If she is offering whatever you want to take her back then what reason did she give you for not showing you her phone?

posts: 72   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8588843

Kaliber ( Member #74046) posted at 10:23 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

serenitynow53, here is what she is doing so far by your words:

She does not know everything I know and I have asked very pointed questions and she continues to lie to me about things.

She is making all the typical excuses and justifications and continuing to lie.

She continues to lie to my face about things I know to be true.

I asked to see her phone right then to see the call and the time he called her and she wouldn't show me.

You're getting no where with her, what's your plan?

I don't know about you, but physical cheating is a deal breaker for me, no chance for reconciliation what so ever, even if she moves mountains and do every thing right, I just can't touch the woman after that, she is used, she is damaged goods!

But if you want to reconcile with your wife she needs to come clean on every thing, but she isn't, she keeps lying to you, reconciliation is not easy, its hard work, and takes years (3-5 years) and the % of successful reconciliation is extremely low, even if she is doing all the right things, so know that!

I have a lot of support from my family and friends. I have not notified his wife.

You need to notify the other man's wife!

It's very good you have support system, it will help you a lot, and they are right to tell you to leave her because it's a big possibility she will do it again once things go back to normal in a couple of years, that will be more years wasted and gone from your life that you cannot take back, you could have invested it in something better, new and worthy!

It's your call at the end, but age doesn't show mercy, you can't go younger or travel back in time, you only live once, it doesn't give you a second chance, so be careful what you decide about your WW!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 4:29 AM, September 18th (Friday)]

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Germany
id 8588934

Notsure123 ( New Member #71460) posted at 11:41 AM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

Serenity how are you doing? Please check in when you can.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2019
id 8589909

Tempocontour ( Member #65971) posted at 4:24 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

I hope you are well. Any update?

[This message edited by Tempocontour at 1:48 PM, November 30th (Monday)]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8589987

redwing6 ( Member #72593) posted at 9:22 PM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

How are you holding up? Hope you're well.

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8591492
Topic is Sleeping.
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