Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out... don't know what to do next

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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 5:13 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

Even if you have enough to file I would want the proof. There were people (daughters, in my case) that I needed them to know it wasn't for a trivial reason that I was divorcing.

Good comment, Chevy. That would be the problem I would have only having a VAR recording as the only bit of evidence.. I know my ex, she would have gaslit me so badly, claiming I was nuts, that conversation wasn't with anyone present, she was talking to her cousin on the phone, how dare I record her, blah blah blah.. I was very lucky in that I, like AHGuy (in another thread), had a vengeful OBS ally who spilled the beans to my clueless idiotic self (mostly in the form of a volume of email she managed to get ahold of). I didn't have to hire a PI; it was all right there in explicit black and white-- in language that would make a sailor blush. If I had dissolved my marriage and thrown my family into chaos over just one recording, I would have second guessed myself into a limbo of inaction and rug-sweeping. I know my own limitations. So I'm glad you're getting extra evidence, if you are resolved on divorcing. I think ultimately it will be worth it to you.

Other points: I agree with the majority crowd mind about NOT informing your inlaws PRIOR to divorcing. By all means do so once you are filed. Explain what you know and how you found it out, also explain your view of moral boundaries to a marriage. They are going to push hard for the old "It was just a mistake" response out of this thing. You will need to have your answer ready for that. Explaining about the loss of trust would be an excellent start.

Your first post indicates that you had a VAR recording. So this thread begins with you already suspecting your wife of... something.. if you don't mind sharing, what actually did tip you off that cheating was occurring?

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 11:15 AM, September 11th (Friday)]

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8586424
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 7:34 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

if you don't mind sharing, what actually did tip you off that cheating was occurring?

I am a little hesitant to get into real specifics on a public forum. I feel like I have already said too much, lol. Something happened that roused my suspicion and I started digging from there. I want more evidence, something I can take to court or put on the table if needed to disprove a lie.

I don't think I will talk to her parents before. Just too risky that they would contact her and it would take about 30 minutes to get home from their house. I think they would be fine with me meeting them afterwards because I think there is mutual respect there. Her father works out of town a lot as well, so he may not even be home and I would want both of them there. I would like to speak to her sisters at some point too, but that may be stretching it a bit and there will definitely be sides picked with them.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8586487
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 7:44 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

That feeling of trust you mention: Each and every BS here on this site has experienced that going out the window. Sad thing is that in our NEXT relationship (be it with the same spouse or a new person) chances are we never experience the blind trust we lost.

I know that level may never exist for me again, but I will try. That's what gets me the most is I will be permanently hurt by this due to what she has done. I don't think she will, at least not immediately. I really don't see this person as someone she would want to be with long-term and think it may be something she is caught up in and addicted to the thrill of it more than anything. But we will see. I will move on and be happy.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8586490
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 8:33 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

Don't put a lot of hope into support from her family. They may give you some love at first but they will end up supporting her in the end as she is their family. Plus they will be the ones that will have to pick up the pieces of this when you walk away and they will start to realize that and want to pressure you to stay with her to make their lives easier.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8586519
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 8:50 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

Have you considered putting a VAR in your home? Or maybe a couple of VARs?

Or a camera inside your home?

If the OM comes to your home while you are away this weekend, that could get you all the "proof" you need.... However, you may want to consider just how much it will hurt like the dickens to see/hear whatever may be going on

just a thought.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8586525
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 8:51 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

I don't think I will talk to her parents before.

Why talk to her family at all? Instead of going 180, you're actually nurturing attachment.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8586526
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 11:25 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

Serenity, I think if you live in a state that does punish the cheating spouse by not awarding spousal support you have to cool your jets.

Let the PI do his work, and you just have to be patient. You can find more evidence and talk to your attorney as to what is and isn't admissible.

As for your concern about going on vacation with her in late September is up to you to make up any lie. You can say an old family friend died, or you're ill, or something at work came up. Its all up to you bro. You don't have to go on that vacation, but I think it would e wise if you let calmer heads prevail since you are decide to D, and not give her any spousal support if you can get proof of her affair.

I will say this, you can always have your attorney subpoena and question her friend that knows. Most friends are going to lie to the face of a judge or during a depo just to save some cheating friends ass. Keep your focus on the prize of a divorce while maintaining the most assets legally in your state. That includes getting the evidence of cheating. Don't bother with her family and friends. Any details you give to them will be given back to your wife, which will help her case. You do not want to help her case. After you finalize the D, you can do whatever you want. Be smart, not hasty

posts: 1141   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8586590
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:56 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

As Marcia Brady would say “Something suddenly came up”.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8586596
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 12:25 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

I am a little hesitant to get into real specifics on a public forum. I feel like I have already said too much, lol. Something happened that roused my suspicion and I started digging from there. I want more evidence, something I can take to court or put on the table if needed to disprove a lie.

No worries, mate... not required.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8586602
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 12:29 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

I agree with Halftime. Play it close to the vest. Do not discuss this problem with anyone but your attorney or personal therapist. After she is served, continue to play it close to the vest. You can tell her friends and family after personal service that she cheated and now you wish to end the marriage. Details to come later after the divorce is final. Subpoenaing anyone who the wife told for deposition or testimony at trial is also a good idea. They would be utterly stupid to lie. Maybe subpoena the OM to really twist the knife. Make sure you have clear evidence of his participation in the affair before you do that. He would also be a fool to lie and subject himself to perjury. Discuss with your attorney. I hope you nail both of their butts.

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8586606
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waitedwaytoolong ( Member #51519) posted at 2:26 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

If you really want to screw with her, tell her that her friend reached out to you to tell you what was going on. You would be killing two birds with one stone.

I would love to hear the conversation between her and her friend

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1837   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8586653
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 3:17 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Pure gold.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8586664
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 4:25 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

I think if you live in a state that does punish the cheating spouse by not awarding spousal support you have to cool your jets.

Let the PI do his work, and you just have to be patient. You can find more evidence and talk to your attorney as to what is and isn't admissible.

I think I am going to have to be patient, which is hard for me to pretend like nothing is happening. Adultery is considered in alimony so it is likely worth it to wait and get all the evidence I can.

There is no "serving" here as I have learned. Separation is required for a while before divorce can be filed for. The only thing I could do is serve her papers for the separation agreement, but my lawyer advised against this since it escalates things very quickly and takes things down a path that can be difficult with the tone that is set. He said most never get to court and are settled between the two. I am hoping that's the case, but if it does go to court and I have to prove adultery, I will definitely have the friend and OM subpoenaed.

On her family, I know they will choose her and are going to be loyal to her. It may sound odd that I want to talk to them, but there is unique relationship there between us and I think it would be fine.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 4:28 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8586685
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 7:48 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Not being mean but I like this.

If you really want to screw with her, tell her that her friend reached out to you to tell you what was going on. You would be killing two birds with one stone.

One day at a time

[This message edited by Buffer at 1:49 AM, September 12th (Saturday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8586709
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 10:35 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

VAR in the house can help get real evidence.

example WW are going to meet up for a date at a restuarant,

motel, etc. you and a friend or PI can catch them in the act.

also make things easier for a PI lowering that expense.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8586714
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 10:40 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

The VAR may help you find information that will help you get the proof you need. You don’t have to listen to it, the PI can, if you think it will be difficult.

Has the PI been able to figure out if the OM is married? Who is the Other Betrayed Spouse (OBS)?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8586715
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 12:27 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

I had not thought about the VAR just giving information on meet-ups and all, I guess that is true. I haven't been able to listen to everything myself, just too hard to hear what was being said. I really want to catch in the act and think it will be easy knowing the schedule and history of past meet-ups. It has not happened yet this weekend, although there was about 10-15 minutes the PI lost track of her during what would have been the best opportunity to catch them, unfortunately. It is continuing and it will only be a matter of time. I have even thought about renting a car and following myself during the times I know she has met him in in the past. In our lives, there really aren't many opportunities for meet-ups.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8586724
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 1:07 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Why don't you make up some excuse that you have to leave town for a few days (work emergency, sick friend, etc).

Doing this (and giving her a heads up that you'll be leaving) will give her and this OM time to plot a meet up.

Than you have the PI follow her while you're supposedly gone. Heck you don't even have to leave town. Stay at a friend's place (or with family) so that you're still in town.

If they get together (go to a hotel for example or she brings him to your home) the PI can get pics and video but he can also call you so that you can also bust them in the act (walking out of a hotel room for example).

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8586726
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 3:06 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

In our lives, there really aren't many opportunities for meet-ups.

Just like Booyah said, CREATE more opportunities for her, that would make it easier for the PI to catch them, pretend you have to leave town.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8586748
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 5:51 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Was out of town and PI got more than enough evidence. Cars w/ license plates at hotel and both coming out near each other and talking in the parking lot. Pictures and video.

Now..... how do I confront? Lay it all out from the beginning or ease into it and see how she is going to react and lie when I ask if she is doing something? Do I tell about the video? I don't know how to approach the confrontation. I am going to be calm and collected, but she will know I am serious. I just don't know how much of what I know to let her know and at what point. It will happen soon, likely tomorrow evening when I get back into town and home. I will have a VAR on my person for the entire confrontation. I will not be leaving the house or moving out hastily without proper legal paperwork in place. Should I wait and talk to the lawyer to see about the evidence? I think it is more than enough to prove adultery.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8586785
Topic is Sleeping.
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