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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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DevastatedDee posted 9/10/2020 13:07 PM

I haven't. I didn't even go back to therapy after I left. I probably should have, but I didn't. I wound up throwing myself into volunteer work and have found that to be incredibly healing. Puppies and kittens do make the heart smile. For me, rehabilitating an abused animal heals something inside of me and worked better than any therapist or program that I could have found. We all have different things that help us heal. The hard part is figuring out what those things are.

skeetermooch posted 9/10/2020 14:01 PM

I'm happy to hear that Dee. I'm not a huge IC person. It has its place and can be great for some people but in only goes so far for me. Maybe it's because I'm so in my head analyzing things constantly anyway. I process things a lot - I don't have a burning need to process more with a stranger.

Action always helps the most - but I'm so low right now - having such a hard time motivating, I'm hoping I can get some inspiration and ideas with some online resources. I do not want to sit in a therapist's office right now and share my pain. I want tools to move forward.

DevastatedDee posted 9/10/2020 15:33 PM

I know it's going to sound profoundly unhelpful, but do anything. When you're unmotivated and don't know what to do that will help, literally do anything. Get up and walk around the house. Get up and walk outside. Grab a stick and draw in the dirt. Go get a coffee or something. I drove myself into the ground when I bought this house 2 years ago. It was from day 1. Painting, landscaping, decorating, etc. Just did a something constantly, no matter what it was. I knew that if I just sat with all of that stress and pain too long, I'd be unable to get back up. A new life is a grand thing, but we have to make it new or we'll just be stuck mentally in the old one.

I know it's hard. I was thrilled about leaving and didn't want my XWH back, but just the absolute drama and stress hangover was profound. It can kick our asses.

Therapy is great and all that, but I'm with you. I already process quite a bit in my own head. I needed to do things to put distance between the old life and the new.

skeetermooch posted 9/10/2020 17:41 PM

I love that - yes, I need to move - draw with a stick in the dirt - ha, that's about where I'm at

You know, I don't totally envy people who have to move post divorce but I can see where it's hugely helpful. I moved after my last divorce, went kicking and screaming but ended up loving my new home and new beginning - even if it was smaller, in a shitty hood and I no longer had a pool. It was all mine in every single way and the entire process of selling one house, house hunting, packing, etc - definitely kept me in motion.

Yes to everything time. I'm doing couple of projects around the house. Took me three days to assemble a new patio chair - but it's the bomb. I do need to do a bunch of painting. I could try to tile my shower by myself - yikes - but I could try. Keeping moving is a goal I can focus on. Thanks Dee.

BlackRaven posted 9/12/2020 02:26 AM

Does anyone know anything about the Pine Grove Treatment program in Mississippi?

skeetermooch posted 9/14/2020 13:59 PM

No, BL, I've never heard of it but then I haven't heard of most of these kinds of places.

Hope everyone is doing okay!

11 more days until my D goes into default - home stretch!

DevastatedDee posted 9/14/2020 14:05 PM

I don't know anything about it either. Go skeeter!!!! It's so close!!

Superesse posted 9/14/2020 19:59 PM

Skeeter, 11 more days? Wow!

I was thinking of you today as I stayed busy-busy-busy (doing what sounds like the silliest thing): taking old paint cans and household cleansers - that have spent 15 years in the cellar of my farm house - to the Landfill, and duly placing them in the designated recycle dumpsters!!!

Do y'all know how GOOD that made me feel? Like Dee has advised, we gotta do Something Everyday, ANYthing!

All this because I hate cold weather and feel it coming, in my bones...

So, there is this old porch I've been planning to enclose for a winter sun hangout, for the last...lemme see...10 years or so? For survival in the winter, if I must stay here (and I'm not committed to that, either!) Under this porch was a dirt floor where I stashed my garden tools and potting stuff..and a door into the old 1920's cellar, where I'd carefully stacked all the gallons of paints, stains, and tubes of caulk, back when we first were working on this huge old project, so they wouldn't freeze.

And then, you know....life got in the way. D-Days, all that s##t. The paint got old...the cardboard boxes got musty and fell apart. Sorta like my LIFE!

Well, Ladies, I'm MOVING ON! Feels like the RIGHT thing to be doing. I don't want to leave a mess for the Estate Sale, Ha! (That's an Old Person Joke...)

Hope all are doing well.

[This message edited by Superesse at 8:01 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

skeetermooch posted 9/14/2020 20:56 PM

Ah, Superesse, what a fantastic project. That kind of thing makes me feel so good as well. I cleaned out my shed not too long ago. It was hot and gross and mice had moved in. I got it all cleaned out, tossed a bunch of stuff, sold a few items I don't use anymore and made a few hundred dollars and every time I go into that shed it feels fantastic.

In the back of my head is this idea that I might move and I want to get the place as ready as I can.

11 more days until default. After it enters default I'm not exactly how long it takes - it might be 60 days but I'm not totally clear - that would be awesome though.

He's sending emails again threatening to stall the process. I'm going to ignore and hope he gets the hint. He's clearly well aware of the time frame so I can slip this by him.

Superesse posted 9/14/2020 21:30 PM

Skeeter, you said: "In the back of my head is this idea that I might move..." THIS! Is what everybody needs to periodically tell themselves. Just to save our sanity, when and if we DO get another option in life.

Now I absolutely see how BOGGED DOWN I became with all his and my stuff, and tools of the many trades I needed in order to physically build or renovate my houses for the last 25 years! Seriously, I had no idea how they've just sat there undisturbed for years, yet somehow helped me stay "stuck in frozen indecision" about what to keep and what to toss! Kinda like a....(gulp)...mouse Glue Trap! (I threw some of them away today, will never use them again. Totally inhumane and gross!)

Sorry for the visual....but you did say "mice!"

Anyway, if you're sensing a desire to possibly sell and move, what can it hurt to prepare for that, and meanwhile, be "light on your feet"?

In my life, I have attended so many Estate Auctions and bought other peoples' fineries, I know how it works: we really can't take it with us, over the ling haul. If we clean out the detritus of our past, little by little, it helps us make room for our future. Right? (Didn't Marie Kondo say something like that?)

skeetermooch posted 9/15/2020 10:56 AM

Anyway, if you're sensing a desire to possibly sell and move, what can it hurt to prepare for that, and meanwhile, be "light on your feet"?

This is such a great thought - staying light on our feet. There isn't room for anything new to grow when we're buried in the past - projects, relationships, whatever. It seems like a perfect time to divest of the stuff I no longer need, clean up and organize what I'm keeping and to make my home as neat and beautiful as I can.

The older I get, more and more of what I have is sentimental rather than practical - things my deceased mother or sister gave me, mementos from the kids' childhoods. I should read some Marie Kondo type blogs to get ideas.

DevastatedDee posted 9/15/2020 11:44 AM

I was pretty brutal when I moved out. A lot of stuff got left behind or thrown away. It did help to be the one moving to do that. Nothing works to clean out the detritus like packing everything in boxes and saying "WTF, why do I have this?" over and over, lol.

Superesse posted 9/15/2020 16:40 PM

Skeeter, thanks for the good words about leaving room to grow! Sentimental collector is me, too, ever since I was a teen, maybe earlier, I've been clinging to things my dear Grannies gave me. Probably my clinging to tokens of childhood may have developed as a reaction to my FOO. My mother was NOT sentimental about our things! With the stress of an alcoholic husband and 4 kids, she got overwhelmed with all the toys we 4 kids stuffed into our few closets, so she'd have a "clean out" every few years. Well, hate to admit this, but I've seen so much of that identical same stuff I and my siblings had, sitting proudly at estate auctions, and bringing big prices! Makes me sad my mother wasn't a little more sentimental about our stuff; clearly a lot of parents did hang onto these things....

But there is such a thing as "enough," too.

Like today...after I tried to sort through just a few items I salvaged from the cellar yesterday, looking at it all started to bring back those sneaky "nostalgic" feelings...DANGER! WE DON'T HAVE ENERGY for those kinds of feelings! They easily turn into moods that sap our LIFE force for what is in front of us, right NOW! (Can you tell I'm shouting at myself?! LOL!)

Yeah. Ok, so can I take a short break? This is ANOTHER reason I want to get de-cluttered. It will make any eventual moving so much less traumatic. But it's like the proverbial BandAid, that hurts worse to peel off a little at a time, eh? Maybe Dee has the right idea!

Then too, as I felt coming yesterday, this morning it was only 47 degrees F outside...Bah! I KNEW my summer fun was going to end, but wasn't quite ready for my knitted cap, just yet!! I just don't go out with a bare head, I've learned it's too risky...

So to all who can be outside in the heat, enjoy it while you can!

DevastatedDee posted 9/15/2020 17:04 PM

Well...there was a whole lot of "fuck you" in how I packed up, lol. I went a bit too far. Like "I am not using the dishes I used with this motherfucker. I will buy new ones". That level of brutal, ha ha.

skeetermooch posted 9/15/2020 18:44 PM

Actual moving is super helpful too - when I had to move after my narc ex husband nearly twenty years ago - I remember there were stages - the first stage of packing up helps weed out a bunch of crap. Then, unpacking at my new place, I was like, "Why he hell did I bring this?" prompting another round of donations.

I've had the urge to replace my dishes as well. I think I'm going to donate the set he bought. I never liked them anyway and I still have my old set. I bought new sheets and towels too. Don't want cooties.

Superesse, my mother wasn't sentimental at all. She was constantly tossing our stuff and we never had much of it anyway. She never hung our pictures or school work in the house - so here I am the opposite. Anything my kids put a pencil to, I have to save. I'm finally getting rid of some of it, just keeping a few. I had a quilt made of old baby clothes - at least that's usable unlike a bunch of ancient onesies

I think breaks are essential for us sentimentalists - we can't do it all at once.

skeetermooch posted 9/17/2020 11:13 AM

So, I just realized last night that I bought six new pairs of shoes this week! I'm not a shoe lady. I wanted to buy clothes really but I've gained a little weight and I can't find anything that I love.

Anyone else go through this? I feel like with the house projects and the shoe shopping, I'm trying to reclaim my home and my identity.

Most of the shoes are getting returned today!! I have no room for six new pairs of shoes.

DevastatedDee posted 9/17/2020 11:42 AM

Ha ha ha, yes, that's the manic period that someone else on the board mentioned. There's a period of time after you split that you get a bit over the top. I bought my house in August and I cannot even tell you how much money I spent on plants and trees in the first two weeks. I don't regret that as I get to still enjoy them and watch them grow 2 years later, but I don't think it was necessary to go all out with a month or two of summer left, lol.

skeetermooch posted 9/17/2020 13:28 PM

I figured it must be a phenomenon for BSs. I've also bought a new patio chair, toilet seat (no more cheater cooties), doormats, sheets and towels. I'm eyeing an expensive quilt and a few new pieces of furniture. I'm also rearranging what I have, Ebaying and donating, and considering a newer car!

Perhaps the most concerning impulse is to get a puppy!! My neighbor found two strays and the adorableness is killing me. I'm going to test run one with my much older dog this weekend to see how it goes.

Superesse posted 9/17/2020 14:06 PM

Oh Skeeter, how fun....

One thing about getting a puppy right now that is worth asking yourself: will you be up to the emotional challenge of D, along with obedience and potty training, not to mention socialization? That's a LOT on you...

When I got my girl dog at 10 weeks of age, I found out real quick how DEMANDING that little ball of fur could be. She wore me out. I understood she was sold as a "working dog prospect" but honestly didn't know what that was going to mean, day in and day out. Now, a week shy of her 7th birthday, she's just beginning to mellow out. She wants to be up front, riding herd on EVERYTHING anybody does around here! The under-sink recycle bin is "hers!" She loves to "shop" in it every night, to chew plastic bottles in lieu of bones, I guess. Leaves little sharp bits of plastic all over the carpet for me to step on. She also covets my shoes, my purse, and especially my lambskin slippers! She has a real need to STEAL things she knows are important to me, just to get me to chase her, scold her, or whatever. She has been wearing on my patience every day since I got her this time of year in 2013, but it's the worst when I'm trying to do something important; she seems to choose those times to "act out." I find I lose my temper with her shenanigans much quicker when she does her thing at those times!

(Hopefully you wouldn't have THAT kind of experience!)

I really like that you bought a new toilet seat! Hell, why not buy a whole new TOILET? They aren't THAT $$$ and that way, you can say he never made that swallow his SHIT! And you know what? They aren't that difficult to set, just get a wax ring (couple bucks) and a pair of pliers or socket set you probably already have, shut off the valve, turn the screws, lift that sucker off the floor, have the wax ring at room temperature, set the new base down and bolt it in. Voila!

I'm back to digging under the porch yesterday, to get ready to insulate under the floorboards for a long-dreamed of Sunroom. I must run more trash to the landfill, now, before they close. I could haul so much stuff outta here....teeheeheee...

Edited to add: one week from today, I have my consult. Still need to work on my list of questions and what to take to have him review, besides the Post Nup. I'm sorta in shock about it all, but it needs to be done.

[This message edited by Superesse at 2:14 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]

skeetermooch posted 9/17/2020 14:32 PM

Your sun porch sounds so amazing - what a perfect self-care happy thing to create for yourself!!

And congrats on the upcoming consult. It's a great step!

One thing about getting a puppy right now that is worth asking yourself: will you be up to the emotional challenge of D, along with obedience and potty training, not to mention socialization? That's a LOT on you...

That's the question I'm wrestling with. I'm still fairly depressed of course - last dday being less than a month ago - so am I up for all of the real physical labor of a puppy? On one hand it will force me out of my physical stuck-ness, maybe having a positive impact on my mental stuck-ness. On the other hand, it may stress me out even more.

And, pre-pandemic I had to travel a lot for work - like overseas 4-5 times a year, plus domestic travel. Arranging childcare for my disabled son plus animal care was a pain in the butt and expensive. I always told myself once my dog passed I would take a break from dog ownership until the travel died down. All Europe travel has been cancelled of course but it may start up again and now with contemplating a move, a new pup just adds more logistics. I'm also not so sure it's the best thing for my 13 year old doggy.

I will probably not get this puppy but it's very tempting. I think it also reminds me of those wonderfully, chaotic years when my kids were small. There was always a mess, always a slew of animals, animal babies, chewed shoes etc. They were my happiest days.

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