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I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 7:30 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

So, hide your trauma people; we don't want these fragile motherfuckers relapsing because of our inability to hide our trauma.

Yeah, I remember that crap setting me the fuck off. He got to hear plenty of my feelings when he'd pull that.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4463   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8584545
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:12 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Ugh. He just sent an email telling me he's fighting the divorce. So, yeah, this could take awhile. This sucks.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8584708
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:33 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Skeeter, sorry. But this can wait until after Labor Day weekend, when you can forward it to your lawyer. It's just him looking to get a rise out of you. Sorry that you felt you had to look....

I didn't realize you were only married 3 years. Good news: once you get this loon out of your life, you won't have to account for a quarter century wasted, like some of us. So there's that....

I took your approach, and busted my butt all day today, over 8 hours outside. Sure felt better than brooding! ...End of the day, moved his bedroom furniture down the hall to the storage room, after asking him nice and calmly to at least clean up his mess and empty out the drawer of his nightstand....yuck....that guy has contaminated my space for the last time! Then I dusted, washed the windows, and thought about all the things I might use that room for, once it's been repainted!

Meanwhile, I noticed he quietly sulked in the TV room, watching some PG13 movie, and trundled off to the cozy RV cave to retire for the night.

They'll get over it - they have to!

Keep Calm and Carry On, right?

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8584714
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:35 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

You had a great day Superesse!

Yes, I did look at his email - good point. If I hadn't looked I would not be experiencing any angst right now.

Duh.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8584715
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:56 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

But you gave him No Reply* correct? (Hope he doesn't have the ability to see if his little buzz bomb got read...some email programs do have that capability.)

*reminds me of a classic Beatles tune from the '60's by the same name. Pull it up and give it a listen, GF! Then do what is in front of you, when *Here Comes The Sun... :

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8584719
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 5:24 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I’m sitting in my car at the beach, but can’t bring myself to get out.

My therapist had me do some EMDR prep today, and asked me to go to a safe/happy/calm place. I immediately said the beach, because normally that would be it. But even she cringed and asked are you sure? Because she knows the associations with it.

So now I’m pissed that this fucker took my happy place from me! I want to take it back. I just don’t know how. I’m tearing up just sitting in the car.

I’m not sure how I’m going to react to all of the sensory stuff. The thought of my feet in the sand even gives me goosebumps.

Why the hell did he have to do what he did? Why taint this beautiful thing we had together by bringing her there? And how on earth does he continue to go to the beach like nothing is fucking wrong, like none of that ever happened?

I want to get out and conquer this thing, I’m just not sure I’m strong enough. I guess even driving here was a baby step at least.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8584723
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 6:30 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I totally understand HHADL. I can't go anywhere in my town without being triggered. I'm desperate to move to where there's no memories but I can't right now.

That beach is still yours. He fucking ruined it because he sucks and sucky people ruin everything they get close to. I hope you can reclaim your beach tonight.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8584733
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:33 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Ugh. He just sent an email telling me he's fighting the divorce. So, yeah, this could take awhile. This sucks.

My XWH threatened to fight for one of the dogs. He said that to get a rise out of me. I ignored it. Hopefully this is similar.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 8:34 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4463   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8584813
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:38 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

HHADL, my XWH tainted the beach for me and he tainted the mountains for me. The beach was because we spent a week there with his family and he stayed drunk and mostly ignored me that week to be on his phone. I know now he was texting prostitutes and I was being placed in the devalue/discard category. The mountains were tainted mostly because we spent happy times there. I moved past that, but it took some time. I have far more memories about both places that don't involve him. I plan to move to the mountains at some point and he absolutely will not take that away from me. Did you make it onto the beach?

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4463   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8584820
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:38 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Well, I confess I broke NC. I was really pushed over the edge with the threat to delay the divorce. He ultimately said he wouldn't fight it.

I'm not sure if it was tragic to break NC - enter the rationalizations - but I don't feel fucked up around it. He said a bunch of loony things, none of which triggered me to want to defend myself or anything. He just seemed so nuts. I don't feel worse. I don't feel ambivalent or confused or sorry for him. I just feel like I'm looking at a zoo animal and he's flailing against the cage and flinging feces and I'm standing far enough back, so as not to have any land on me. It's not a pleasant sight for sure but it doesn't impact my trajectory.

In some ways I feel better. He peeled back another layer to reveal even more how disordered he is and how utterly impossible any marriage between us is. He proposed we get back together and he would allow me to have sex with whomever I wanted because he's just "not that into sex!!" Yep, he said that. Meanwhile, I'm not a casual sex person, never have been but he's sure that's what I'm all about because in his mind, wanting to have a healthy sex life with my husband makes me a nympho.

He said he only feels good about himself when he's having sex with hookers. So, I guess he wants to keep that going while I'm out having one night stands with creepers from Tinder. That sounds like an idyllic marriage, no? I'm nearly 60 years old, can you even imagine what that shit circus would look like???

Ok, so back to NC but I'm okay.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8584875
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 5:58 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Okay, so that was the kind of breaking NC that did you a favor. Boy isn't that clarity a bitch? You see him and it's really fucking ugly, isn't it? How to comfort you in your disgust...let's see...our skin cells do die and fall off of us, so there will be a time when nothing about you touched anything about him. That helped me somewhat.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4463   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8584908
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 6:01 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

So 2-3 weeks for all skin cells to be replaced. You're getting close.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4463   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8584909
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 7:53 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Ha - it's almost 3 weeks already. So, I'm just about there.

Yes, he's super cray cray. It's wild. He truly believes I should've stuck around to help him with his issues. He equates his childhood trauma with the trauma he caused me - doesn't see how they aren't equivalent or that it wasn't okay for him to harm me because he was harmed. Because he married me I was unknowingly assigned the task of live-in therapist/punching bag/martyr. Did not know I was signing up for that but he did - therefore I'm a bitch for abandoning him.

How was I in that mess? What was I hearing and seeing? Was he acting that well or did I see what I wanted to see?

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8584950
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 7:57 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I made it out! My mom happened to call right after I posted, and I think having her on the phone helped.

Also the fact that it was nighttime... when I caught them there it was during the day. So everything looked different. Walked right past the parking lot where I caught them and yeah definitely got weird feelings but it wasn’t as bad. Honestly more so sadness over the memories of us taking the girls there... throwing DD21’s graduation party there at the park... skateboarding along the boardwalk.

I did walk down to the water. It was weird to feel sand again, it’s been years. Also the beach smell. There weren’t very many other people out that late at night so I was able to just walk along, talk to my mom, and get myself used to it again.

Braving it during the day will be an entirely different experience.

And yes, he would act so traumatized over MY trauma that HE caused. Talk about how hard it is to see me cry. I was like bro, then stop doing things to make me cry! It’s not that fucking hard! But nooooo, he would rather do the thing that he knows will make me cry, then try his damndest to hide it so I won’t cry, but then when I inevitably found out and cried, my crying was the problem

Like, how about instead of giving me a bullet proof vest to prevent me getting shot, you unload the gun and stop shooting me!

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8584954
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 8:04 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Because he married me I was unknowingly assigned the task of live-in therapist/punching bag/martyr. Did not know I was signing up for that but he did - therefore I'm a bitch for abandoning him.

OMG THIS!!!!

According to him he only started seeing the mistress because I was abandoning him by bringing up the idea of divorce when he all of a sudden decided he didn’t want kids anymore. Let’s just forget about the dozens of times he would throw out divorce whenever he was upset or we had a slight disagreement about something. And I would tell him you can’t just throw out divorce to shut down the argument, it doesn’t work that way!

But in classic disordered fashion he twisted that around to mean that I’m not allowed to bring it up over a very valid concern over a sudden change in life direction with no intention on his part to budge. The fact that I wouldn’t immediately give up on my dream of carrying a child meant that I didn’t love him enough, I was abandoning him.

My therapist says that the only things addicts hate more than themselves are people who hold them accountable. I mean, they love us when they perceive it as helping them. But actually expecting them to stick to their word? That is an assault on their rights!

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8584959
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Did not know I was signing up for that but he did - therefore I'm a bitch for abandoning him.

Girl, SAME! I am the one who destroyed the marriage because I wouldn't stay for the shit show. I abandoned him. Threw him away.

It's always the same, lol.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4463   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8585014
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 10:13 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

He proposed we get back together and he would allow me to have sex with whomever I wanted because he's just "not that into sex!!"

Sorry I just had to laugh at that one.... Um, WHAT?

Then following it up with:

He said he only feels good about himself when he's having sex with hookers.

Can they not hear how ridiculous they sound?

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8585025
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 12:26 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

That they can say these things is so astounding to me. The man who's "just not that into sex" has dumped tens of thousands of dollars on hookers and porn, jerks off until his junk is literally calloused. This last dday - 2 visits to the same hooker in under 24 hours. Yep, he's totally asexual.

But nooooo, he would rather do the thing that he knows will make me cry, then try his damndest to hide it so I won’t cry, but then when I inevitably found out and cried, my crying was the problem

Like, how about instead of giving me a bullet proof vest to prevent me getting shot, you unload the gun and stop shooting me!

Yep. Everything is our fault. Everything is an injury to them, while nothing is an injury to us - not years of infidelity, lying or gaslighting - that stuff doesn't count. Crying because you were cheated on - abusive.

The fact that he's stark raving mad goes along way to helping me detach.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8585080
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:18 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

The fact that he's stark raving mad goes along way to helping me detach.

Yep, that's the clarity I was talking about. The moment I really saw my XWH, all the love died. It was absolutely devastating to really understand what it was I had fallen in love with. Clarity is the hardest and yet the best thing during all of this. It's like finding out you'd been cuddling with a spider for years. It is absolutely not your fault for not seeing this. In a sane world, NO ONE thinks this way, how the hell do we see that lunacy coming?

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4463   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8585238
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 7:00 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Has anyone tried the courses on the Bloomforwomen website? It has a bunch of workshops around healing betrayal trauma and courses specific for SA.

I really need help getting back on my feet psychologically after this debacle.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8585928
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