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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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crazyblindsided posted 10/4/2020 23:12 PM

He sent yet another message instructing me not to fall in love with anyone because he's not done with us. Creepy.

Yes Skeeter stay NC. Those are the kinds of texts that would cause me panic attacks. Keep doing YOU in the meantime. Hopefully he gets the help he needs or leaves you alone.

Superesse posted 10/4/2020 23:36 PM

Skeeter, stay strong, like you have been! Don't let the "fear" tapes start to play...that's "victim" posturing, if you think about it. If somebody really was coming after you, it wouldn't be smart to try to "appease" them, would it? So this is why strength is needed when dealing with someone who has harmed you repeatedly. They smell weakness as an invitation.

According to behavioral psychology (animal experiments and found to work with children and people) what you are seeing him trying is called an "extinction burst," whereby a behavior that USED TO WORK but no longer is producing their hoped-for outcome (in his case, CONTROL!) gets ramped up furiously: it's just a "burst" of the same-old same-old, which is all he knows how to do to get what HE wants, a soft landing spot. So that's the "burst" part; the "extinction" part is what you've been doing by cutting out his unwanted behavior (CONTACT drawing you back into the same-old same-old). You already informed him of the divorce, he's not amnesiac, so this looks to me like:

a chicken frantically pecking at the empty chicken feeder: "This damn thing used to give me feed if I pecked - and now it doesn't!! Solution? PECK HARDER!

Hope that helps and makes you see what needs to happen on your end: NC.

[This message edited by Superesse at 11:41 PM, October 4th (Sunday)]

DevastatedDee posted 10/5/2020 09:49 AM

Superesse is right on.

And this shit:

He sent yet another message instructing me not to fall in love with anyone because he's not done with us. Creepy.

That sort of shit used to piss me off SO much. Motherfucker, I left you. You have ZERO say in anything about anything for the rest of my life. Declaring it so is like farting in the wind. There is no power in it. There is no "us". LORD I got tired of hammering that point home before I could go all the way NC.

That is some controlling abusive nonsense thing for him to say. There is no "us", Skeeter. Is there a way to not even see those messages anymore?

skeetermooch posted 10/5/2020 11:09 AM

Those are the kinds of texts that would cause me panic attacks.

Exactly. While it might hurt to have him stop begging. It makes me fear retaliation if I ignore him when he sends stuff like that. I was a mess yesterday.

a chicken frantically pecking at the empty chicken feeder: "This damn thing used to give me feed if I pecked - and now it doesn't!! Solution? PECK HARDER!

I'm now going to picture him forever as a chicken. Thank you, Superesse!

Yes, he's used to getting a reaction so he's pecking away. And as soon as he gets one he feels reassured and goes right back to wallowing in his pig sty of lies and cheating.

That sort of shit used to piss me off SO much. Motherfucker, I left you. You have ZERO say in anything about anything for the rest of my life.

Yes, pissed me off mightily. He has the balls to ask me to waste even more precious years waiting for him to grow up. The sheer selfishness of suggesting I postpone happiness for his lying, disordered, unrepentant, doing-nothing-to-change ass is infuriating.

He's blocked everywhere. Gmail sends blocked messages to spam. I check the spam folder - can't resist. Hopefully, in time I will do less of this because nothing good comes of it. But it does feel like I need to keep an eye on where he's at for my own safety - particularly with this knife purchase. My last relationship ended with two years of terrifying stalking. He was definitely somewhat jealous and manipulative when we were together but nothing that would've suggested he was capable of vandalizing my property and threatening my life, as he did after I dumped him.

skeetermooch posted 10/6/2020 09:49 AM

Hi Ladies,

Had my first session with a CSAT yesterday. That was really good. I'm going to get in all the counseling I can before I'm off his insurance. He's got great health coverage - that I'll miss more than anything.

I accidentally drove by the hotel where he had his rendezvous last dday. Good times. I was weepy all day yesterday. Feeling so easily teary. Still, I'm getting things done - not back to normal but not a total slug either.

Hope you're all doing well.

Superesse posted 10/6/2020 12:43 PM

Skeeter, that feeling weepy is Okay, it happens partly because your grief is being acknowledged by another person who wants to help you! I think it means progress...better than stuffing it; you will heal faster. I used to notice my emotions more after a counseling session , when I was going through D years ago.

Glad you have that support!

BlackRaven posted 10/6/2020 12:48 PM

If a couple divorces, can the other partner cobra in on the insurance?

skeetermooch posted 10/6/2020 15:21 PM

Thanks, Superesse. Yes, I definitely thought the therapy session had something to do with my weepiness.

BR, I'm fairly certain that yes, either party can cobra. My husband has a great plan, but when you cobra you pay market price, not their group rate. I don't know if I'm going to be able to afford it. My income has taken a big hit with the quarantine. I don't tend to do a lot of western medicine other than dentists and therapy so I'll probably go with out insurance until work picks up.

skeetermooch posted 10/6/2020 21:42 PM

Now, I guess he's single-white-femaling me.

First he went camping to a place I had wanted to go when we were together - that I had to talk him into. Now, he sends an email (I know stopping looking) with a picture of a puppy he's adopted that's the exact breed and identical to my dog.

I ignored. But grrrr. WTF is he trying to prove?? He can have my life without me??

Superesse posted 10/6/2020 21:57 PM

This shit show ends when you decide it ends, and his little B.S. chicken peckin' for another possible "hit" on your emotions isn't a show you are interested in watching any more, right?

Are you still involved in home improving tasks? And keeping a diary of accomplishments to look at, when you need a lift?

(am so thrilled, got my plywood down for my sunporch, not attached yet, but cut and fit. I need to level the floor up; the old floorboards sloped out from the house too much. Nights are getting down into the 40's already, so I cannot wait to put in the glass windows so I can sit out there every morning, and laugh at old winter!)

skeetermooch posted 10/7/2020 09:44 AM

Superesse, are you building the porch yourself?? If so, I'm impressed!

I've been working in the yard. My trees took a big hit with the excessive heat this summer. Lots of pruning and clean up - no where near done yet.

I haven't started my shower tile project yet - I need to grind the cement floor down a bit so the door can clear it once it's raised up by the tile - a little daunted as I've never used a grinder.

Superesse posted 10/7/2020 12:23 PM

So...here's how much I have to learn all over again...decided to stain/oil paint my new plywood sunroom floor while the days are warm and sunny, to waterproof the wood and give it even more light reflection into my bedroom, and today, wanted to give the dogs a Truck Ride, to the hardware store. I had a gallon of old-old oil base in the cellar, but I knew it would be set up like concrete, so it was just easier to go grab some new; 2 qts. is all I need. I loaded the eager furbabies into the truck, and set off to get the paint, and maybe lunch.

Paint manager at Lowes has known me for years; he advised, and I got 2 quarts he shook up for me. Went to pay for them and: no checkbook in my wallet! (I had taken out the ledger to rewrite it after I messed up my entries too many times - anybody ever done that? - because I didn't have the dates for when my Social Security was deposited - turns out it is always a Wednesday, who knew! - The bank had given me a free new ledger, but I hadn't finished the task, and the other day, I pulled out my checkbook and set it on the desk to remind me to get it done!)

Well, I hated to start using my only credit card, one that is still joint! I need to close that account and open my own now, and start budgeting my expenses....but there I was, a guy behind me already waiting....I pull out the credit card and noticed it never had been activated, because I reeeallly didn't want to use it. Still don't. Just got it all paid off. I had to ask the clerk if she'd set it aside for an hour, until I could get home and come back....felt like an Incompetent Old Biddie!

Oh, and no lunch at Mickey D's, either...zero cash in the old wallet! As I drove home, it came to me: partly this fiasco happened because I haven't had to DO this money handling for a long time; I fell into trusting Mr. Big Guy to do it since he earned the bucks. (Then I was always shocked at how badly HE managed!)

So no, Skeeter, I'm still obviously on "training wheels" to get back some autonomy, which I long ago surrendered. I asked him for an hour yesterday after lunch, to help me cut the 4 sheets of plywood I paid for and help put them up onto the floor boards 6 feet off the ground. He did it without being a P.I.T.A., for once. Still, I am feeling "diminished" from my old days, pre-marriage.

But the job will get done!!

Meantime, a few grinder tips, for you.

1. I've cut large terra cotta with 12 inch electric grinder with a handle like a big chain saw, and just the rotation of that big blade was like holding a wild horse! So, grip it like it could get away from you. Use the handle and shield it comes with.
2. Dust will go EVERYwhere. I'd use an N-95 and open a window if you can. Tape the door shut with you inside, until the cloud settles....and
3. eye protection, of course.
4. And have good task lighting. Maybe one of those miner lights you wear on your head.

Hope all that doesn't scare you off...I'm off to get that paint!

DevastatedDee posted 10/7/2020 12:35 PM

You two are badasses.

Superesse posted 10/7/2020 14:18 PM

Thanks, Dee, I don't really feel like I am, but you should know, ladies, that the "help" I asked for yesterday simply involved him helping me lift 4 heavy plywood 4 x 8 sheets up 6 feet from the ground, and sliding them into place under the old siding where the old wood planks had been removed. Superesse made every cut! If someone was going to screw up my $47.50 sheet, I didn't want it to be anyone else.

Tool tip: the first brand new saw blade was no match for this plywood, even though it was a "plywood" blade; those must be made for cutting paneling. So it was a good thing I have 2 radial saws; by the time I got done, the other saw blade was dull!

Now naturally, I got the usual "you should do it this way" from him...he thought running the long side of the sheets with the joists was the way to go! Nobody does that. I considered it, but it made the whole job twice as hard, cutting-wise...just the kind of suggestion Mr. Machinist always likes to come out with. In the interest of keeping "the help" around, I bit my tongue. Had he given me much more shit, I'd have just waited until I could hire a guy I know who works by the hour once a week or so...and here's the secret leverage: my SAWH now KNOWS I can do that!! Never give these guys the upper hand....

BlackRaven posted 10/7/2020 18:46 PM

I agree with the badass comment ...

Superesse posted 10/7/2020 20:43 PM

Porch floor is now all painted, semi-gloss Rustoleum White. I just cannot wait until the sun comes up tomorrow morning, I bet it knocks me out of my bed with the brilliance. Just what this old gal needs...more light and bright!

Eventually I will probably put down some kind of finish flooring, but in the meantime, winter is coming. It may rain soon...hence the paint.

My trees are dropping their leaves, too, Skeeter. Way too much stress on them, this year. 2020 has sure been a challenge for creation.

skeetermooch posted 10/8/2020 10:37 AM

Good job, Superesse!

skeetermooch posted 10/8/2020 10:47 AM

Everyone, I may be checked out a bit for a little while. My daughter expressed suicidal thoughts yesterday and I'm a bit beside myself. She has an anxiety disorder/depression, which she's struggled with forever. She's on meds and has received a lot of help and managed to be quite successful with academics and career but she's never shaken this.

She was diagnosed with BPD some years ago but now the diagnosis is in question - she was never a super extreme case but she did engage in cutting behavior - no rage or fear of abandonment or career/relationship instability. She's stressed and demoralized that she can't shake the anxiety and depression. She lives in another country and I'm terrified for her well-being. I feel like a failure in all the things most important to me and I'm at my own breaking point. She told she wished she'd never born, that I never had her. Having her and being her mom was the happiest, most defining thing in my life and now it just feels selfish. My family has a lot of mental health history. I should never have had children knowing I might subject them to these genetics, not to mention my own ill-informed emotional intelligence. I don't know how to help her. I've done all I can. Sometimes I wonder if she's trying to punish me by telling me these things but of course, I take them seriously.

crazyblindsided posted 10/8/2020 11:13 AM

(((skeetermooch))) I'm so sorry. I hope that she gets the care she needs right now. I have said word for word what your daughter says about why was I born. It's so hard. I'm sure those words have hurt my mom. It's so crazy when you are in that moment of despair that it feels that way. I feel like that every time I have a big breakdown. What I do know now is that feelings pass. We have mental health issues too in my family on my mom's side. My mom, sister and I all struggle with anxiety and depression. My sister and I have both self-harmed and I had 1 suicide attempt.

Do you and your daughter do any video conferencing or zoom? Is she by herself in that country? Would she be willing to move back with you for a bit? It's so important she has a strong support system and someone she can call in an emergency to talk her down. I'm glad she reached out to you to tell you this.

skeetermooch posted 10/8/2020 11:50 AM

Thanks, CB.

She lives with her girlfriend so she's got support. She's a real loner so there aren't tons of friends - maybe one. We talk or text almost every day. She doesn't want to do video chats.

At times she'll come back home for a few weeks or more when she's struggling or I'll go out there. She came in December and again in January. Because of covid she's being extremely cautious. With her anxiety disorder and OCD - she takes all precautions to the extreme, so flying here is something she would never do, nor would she expose herself to me if I were to fly there. Sometimes I send her on a vacation - those really help her but again, Covid.

She attempted suicide as a teenager. I believe she's attempted at least once as an adult. Her partner was with her and they navigated it - she talked to me a lot about her mental health in general but never disclosed what happened to trigger a crisis (they wanted to do in-patient with her for two weeks. She never went.). She's still highly functional with work but she's never terribly happy. The only thing that makes her happy, excited and looking forward is travel. She goes all over the world. With the pandemic her one source of joy is closed off. Still, I think she sees it as a bandaid. It staves off the lows for a bit but they always come back.

A few days before this she asked for money for a cosmetic item (she's imagining a problem where there isn't one - normal for her) - it was expensive so I gave her half. Normally, I just throw money at her but things are tight now. I was wondering if she was hurt and angry that I didn't give her the full amount. She fully blames me for her mental health struggles - she says moving when she was 7 triggered all of it. She's been bringing it up a lot lately. All I can do is apologize.

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