Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
I’m still so confused

Topic is Sleeping.
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justsayno ( New Member #75179) posted at 10:26 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Sorry if this sounds harsh:

Did you intend to marry a child? Because she acts like one.

The wayward has to drive reconciliation, not the betrayed. She seems completely incapable of this.

As a wife she brings no more than being a melancholy puppy dog with a bad disposition to the marriage; ready to bite your hand when the puppy decides it's in the mood to act up.

Why you would bother with this chick is beyond me.

My recommendation: go to IC to become a man with boundaries and a vision for your life. Divorce her and don't look back.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Aug. 14th, 2020
id 8583248
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justsayno ( New Member #75179) posted at 10:26 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Delete - double post.

[This message edited by justsayno at 4:26 AM, September 4th (Friday)]

posts: 29   ·   registered: Aug. 14th, 2020
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KatieKat ( Member #16690) posted at 4:10 PM on Sunday, September 6th, 2020

She doesn’t cook, clean, or work??? Guilts you when you try a hobby or talk to your MOM????

Dude you are a sucker. Get yourself out of this already.

You deserve better.

one of the lucky ones

posts: 272   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2007
id 8584155
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 10:48 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

I know I’m being a sucker, but it’s like I can’t bring myself to do anything for some reason. I have a mental block I can’t get past, even though I know I am not happy and would be happier single.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8584614
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Tempocontour ( Member #65971) posted at 7:21 PM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

So how are things going? You doing ok?

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8589727
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 8:12 PM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

Sometimes it’s hard to pull the plug. Maybe you need smaller steps.

Suggestion:

Try not jumping up to “take care of her” the next time she has an issue or problem or meltdown. Just once. Stop yourself. Actively 🛑 yourself from engaging in the drama.

See what happens when YOU take control of just one small situation. Just one. Be prepared fir her verbal harassment. And then see how it feels and what happens when she cannot control you or the situation.

You remove yourself from her Presence. Leave the room. Go outside. Take a walk.

People ask me why my children behave a certain way. Because I never gave in to a tantrum. My son at 3 wanted something one day. Nothing could appease him. He cried and cried until he threw up. He never did it again.

Your wife acts like a toddler. Treat her like one. Don’t argue. Don’t engage. Don’t give in.

Let us know how it goes. It’s a baby step. But it’s the first step to asserting yourself.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8589741
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 11:27 PM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

She is young and I suspect you are also in your 20's. Cheating is horrible, but cheating 9 months into the marriage is downright disturbing. You describe someone who lies around all day why you work and do everything. Do not feel guilty. She is the one who broke the marriage vows, not you. My ex-wife cheated early in our marriage. It was a prelude of things to come. I wish I had an IC who was not vested in saving the marriage. Clearly, it would have been best for all if we ended it at that point. Be sure you can have a future with her that won't involve a host of problems, including more cheating.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8589791
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 12:38 AM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

First, how are you doing?

Did you ever start IC?

Next time she talks about suicide or hurting herself, call 911 immediately and tell them what she has said. After she is hospitalized for 48 hours, I’m thinking that it will be the last time she tries to play that card.

Seems to me that she is doing her best to control everything and to manipulate it to her benefit.

If I were you, I would tell her that you expect her to have a job within two weeks. Tell her that if she doesn’t, you will be asking to have your hours reduced. You shouldn’t be the only one bringing money into the House, while she is Spending the money you earn online And playing video games!!

As she is looking for a job, you need to figure out what YOU want!!!

Will you ever trust her again?, of course not.

Does she respect you? She had an affair, so again, of course not!!!

Is she manipulating you to stay in her comfy lifestyle that she has gotten used to? OF COURSE SHE IS!!!!

But the big question is, what do you want?

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 6:44 PM, September 20th (Sunday)]

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8589817
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 2:16 AM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

Maybe if I got a hobby

Being single would be a great hobby for you.

posts: 343   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8589834
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 3:40 AM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

Why not undertake a martial arts? Good hobby, get fit, structured etc. If she cracks the poops 💩 she can take it as well. Doing it as a couple may help her get confident to get a job. I would suggest she not do it by herself.

How did the lawyer go?

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8589853
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 8:34 AM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

Hey everyone, I didn’t expect anybody to come back and check on me. Some updates I guess but you’ll be disappointed in me.

Spoke to a lawyer and shared my financials. I’m not at risk of losing much because there are not many assets since most of my income gets spent on debt and is gone. Recently there have been many arguments mostly centered around the way she treats me. You are right that it is hard to just pull the trigger. She has agreed to get a job and begin contributing, she is finding work now. She has also started contributing around the house. It is sad to me because I wonder if it is too little too late. The spark isn’t always there and I feel so guilty for it. Other times it is, and then I feel weak and guilty for not being in that headspace always.

I’m very tired all the time, I am still sometimes daydreaming about what if I was single. I feel like life would be so easy. No money issues, no need to entertain someone all day, I could leave my house freely. But the actions needed to get there seem too much. Everything is still a mess. I’m sorry to everyone that’s replied and given me guidance that I am not strong enough to follow.

I am a competitive powerlifter so I don’t know if I could fit martial arts training in with my other training routine but I will look into it. Lifting is the only alone time I get even if it’s on a bit of a time table before she starts wanting me to come back.

I have not started IC yet. I got caught up in work duties and let it slip. Bad I know. She had said she would go to counseling but as all the people in our area are doing remote only she now refuses.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8589900
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 11:51 AM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

t/j @KatieKat - calling OP a "sucker" is of no help. Especially in JFO. end t/j

Oh my goodness, solongitsbeen.

Please get into IC asap. I feel that you have so little self esteem that you will take whatever she dishes out.

And don't worry what a bunch of strangers on the Internet think or if we're disappointed. I will tell you that this group truly cares. Sometimes the advice will come off as harsh, but that is because we care and we've BTDT - it's like we're shouting out to you, "STOP! RUN!" - because we're so certain of the outcome.

You can't change her, but you can change you and how you react to her. I'm all for R, but sometimes you have to lose the M in order to save it. She has a lot of changing and growing up to do, and you have a lot of healing to do. At this point, I would implement the 180 and have her served and get some space from her. IF she comes to her senses and does what she should to become a safe partner, you can always stop the D. But if you do nothing, nothing will change.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8626   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8589910
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 11:56 AM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

You are in the hell that is limbo. Your WW is simply going through the motions, only barely doing enough (if even that) to keep the status quo. She has settled into her Plan B - you.

She's never going to change unless she wants to. No amount of hoping and encouragement from you is going to make that happen. It has to come from inside of her. She has to choose to do that work herself. She's all talk and no action. She wants to rugsweep and go back to being a normal marriage.

You are trying to do the work of two people. It never works. I don't care what some marriage guru says. Especially with regards to R, the WS has to do the lion's share of the work. Marriage itself is tough. But trying to repair a M destroyed by an A all by yourself is impossible.

I won't judge you for sticking around and trying to make it work. Hell, I stuck around for almost 2 years, while also trying to get the D process rolling. But you'd do yourself a huge favor by walking away from this wreckage.

Rip the bandaid off and file. It stops when you say it stops.

Good luck.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8589911
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:50 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

No one here is disappointed or judging you. Many of us who were the betrayed spouse (BS) stuck around. As adults you just don’t decide to quit or run out the door at the first sign of trouble.

You face your problem or issue and try to resolve it.

In some cases it is optimal to cut your losses and get out. Nothing wrong with that approach. But it is done with thought and reason. If you decide “this marriage is over b/c she cheated” then that is the decision you make. Whenever you make it.

If you decide to reconcile then that is ok too. But if at any point reconciliation doesn’t work, you need to be honest and tell the spouse “I’ve done my best but this marriage no longer works for me”.

Some people recognize early on there is no hope for reconciliation. Others hang in too long hoping reconciliation is possible. It’s an individual choice.

We give advice based in our experience. Can the cheater change? Yes if they want to. Will the betrayed spouse get the cheater to change? No way in hell that will work out.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8589928
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 2:21 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

This was good advice from 1st Wife that may have gotten lost in the shuffle:

Sometimes it’s hard to pull the plug. Maybe you need smaller steps.

Suggestion:

Try not jumping up to “take care of her” the next time she has an issue or problem or meltdown. Just once. Stop yourself. Actively 🛑 yourself from engaging in the drama.

See what happens when YOU take control of just one small situation. Just one. Be prepared fir her verbal harassment. And then see how it feels and what happens when she cannot control you or the situation.

In other parts of your life as well. Baby Steps.

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8589934
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:25 PM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

Thank you Anna.

The wife sounded like a child who has expectations everyone is there to serve her. Well we train our children to be self sufficient throughout their lives. (At least I did but that’s just me).

This wife needs to live in the real world. She doesn’t DO much. It’s time to be a contributor instead of a taker.

I think sometimes breaking an insurmountable process into smaller steps allows us to be less overwhelmed. And the BH needs to look at his options and realize anything is attainable it yiu just need to put your mind to it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8589990
Topic is Sleeping.
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