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Is this a red flag or a one off thing?

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Myname posted 8/29/2020 20:29 PM

So I've been dating SO for almost a year now. Things have gone really well. Not even so much as an argument between us. We definitely have disagreed about some things but we are both so laid back that we're both good to just agree to disagree or bend to the other person. Neither one of us HAS to be right every time or win every argument.

She has vented about people to me and said things like "well if they do XYZ then I'm going to..." and she proceeds to really go to the extreme with what mean things she's going to say to them. I've called her out on it a few times and said that I hope she doesn't actually say those things to someone. And she always comes back with "No I wouldn't really say that." So I've always taken it as venting. And I'm perfectly fine with that.

She has been working for/with me on my mowing crew since March and although we have a small crew she has always gotten along with everyone. Until last Thursday.

There was a guy that had been working with us about 3 weeks. Apparently he was unintentionally kicking her seat in the truck the last few days they worked together. Then on Thursday he was slurping his food or something and long story short she went off on the guy big time. F words and everything. It caught everyone off guard because her reaction was WAY over the top.

That ended up being his last day as he quit even though I told him he would never have to work with her again. I think he was hurt and embarrassed. As her boss I talked to her privately as soon as the truck stopped and told her if she ever talked to another employee like that again she would be fired. I'm going to write her up and not allow her to work next week.

To be fair, she HATES slurping. Far more than your average person. I think she even said it on our first date. As her boyfriend do you think this was a one time issue or a sign of things to come? As her boyfriend do you think this was a one time issue or a sign of things to come? I'm honestly still really angry at her for this.

99problems posted 8/29/2020 20:41 PM

this sounds like my stbxww... I would be cautious. It seems pretty red flaggy. But you know this woman a lot better than I do.
Does she demean people in conversations with you? like a lot?
Is this overreaction a normal thing?
I would pay a lot of attention to these things. and read up on narcissism and covert narcissism.
The more you know the more you will be able to assess for your own safety and well-being.
Also, can you talk with her about these things? Communication will be your friend. As long as she can honestly communicate back and not avoid the topic. If she seems anxious to change the subject that would not be good.

Chili posted 8/29/2020 20:46 PM

Sounds like a pretty uncool moment for sure. But, you have known her for a year, so you know if it was over the top for her in general.

I will say this - with the added stress of well...everything these days, I'm giving folks like a half a free pass to be a little nutty or lose their cool. That said - sounds like she was way rude to this guy.

And as far as her working for you - I'm just really gun shy that way given my own business entanglements, so I hope you've got all kinds of good boundaries in place it that situation.

Myname posted 8/29/2020 21:50 PM

Does she demean people in conversations with you? like a lot?

Nope. Not that she always talks good about everyone. She really doesn't like when people trash talk others. She has a friend that does that and she hates it.

Is this overreaction a normal thing?

Absolutely not. I've never seen her go off like that and we've spent a lot of time together.

Definitely not narcissistic. That would have been my last relationship. To the letter.

It's kind of weird to talk to her about that as the boyfriend. But I agree I need to have the conversation. If not for anything, because it's still bothering me.

99problems posted 8/29/2020 23:47 PM

Well that's good. I agree with Chili then. These covid times are really hard for a variety of reasons.
I know I haven't always been a peach since March.

Phoenix1 posted 8/29/2020 23:51 PM

I will just caution about a romantic relationship with a subordinate - you're playing with fire. It is not uncommon for disastrous results if the relationship goes south. Often sexual harassment charges come into play, or hostile work environment allegations.

Be very careful.

Myname posted 8/30/2020 08:20 AM

Phoenix1,

We were dating before she started working for me so nothing started at work. We also have boundaries at work. When sheís at work sheís an employee, which means no inappropriate touching or conversation. Weíre so sweaty and gross at work thatís not too hard.

Catwoman posted 8/30/2020 09:01 AM

Seriously, people who treat others like this generally have issues. I would take heed.

And I wouldn't be dating someone who worked for me. It's bad enough when you are co-workers, but supervisor/subordinate is a different kettle of fish. And don't think your crew doesn't know, because they do.

My advice? Don't do it where you eat.

Cat

The1stWife posted 8/30/2020 10:02 AM

This is not a one time behavior. Give it time. Sit back and watch. It will happen again.

She just as easily could have asked him to stop kicking her seat. You make a choice to go nuclear ☢️ on someone like that.

And the slurping thing? Itís her issue and she needs to learn appropriate behavior for things that upset her.

Loose cannon IMO

TripletMom posted 8/30/2020 11:08 AM

There is a condition where noises like chewing and slurping set a person off. Not sure what the name of the disorder is but my brother-in-law has it. Itís an actual condition. You might want to read up on this and it may explain the over the top reaction. If not this, I would find the behavior very concerning.

baller20 posted 8/30/2020 11:50 AM

There was a guy that had been working with us about 3 weeks. Apparently he was unintentionally kicking her seat in the truck the last few days they worked together. Then on Thursday he was slurping his food or something and long story short she went off on the guy big time. F words and everything. It caught everyone off guard because her reaction was WAY over the top.
There is probably more emotional dysregulation, reactive anger and aggression where this came from. Have you seen emotionally overwhelming-like behavior or impulsivity in other situations?

What is/was her age?

[This message edited by baller20 at 11:50 AM, August 30th (Sunday)]

baller20 posted 8/30/2020 11:55 AM

How much do you know about her past relationships, friendships and family?

Take care

baller20 posted 8/30/2020 12:06 PM

This is not a one time behavior. Give it time. Sit back and watch. It will happen again.
+1
I agree with The1stWife.

Phantasmagoria posted 8/30/2020 12:37 PM

+2

Youíve described a red flag I ignored some 30+ years ago when my then future wife (ultimately WW) went ballistic on an ex-boyfriend over the phone.

It took around 27 years for me to eventually become the target of that abusive behaviour. She now does it to our kids. Itís a huge sign of emotional immaturity and an inability to control emotions. No way I would ever enter a relationship again with someone who behaves in that way!

Myname posted 8/30/2020 12:56 PM

There is a condition where noises like chewing and slurping set a person off.

She has told me before that she has something like this. Certain sounds make her go crazy. She has to leave the situation and get away from the sound. Chewing, slurping, and burping are some of those sounds.

Have you seen emotionally overwhelming-like behavior or impulsivity in other situations?
What is/was her age?

Sheís 41. She can get extremely anxious to the point of panic attacks in a crowded store. She says itís more the noises of all the people that causes it. Iíve seen her leave her cart in the middle of the store and run out because she couldnít take it anymore.

Buster123 posted 8/30/2020 13:11 PM

Sounds like she could go ballistic at any time, you haven't been with her that long, I would definitely proceed with caution, If you were thinking about proposing put that on hold for at least a couple of years, If you decide to get married, insist on an iron clad prenup just in case.

Myname posted 8/30/2020 13:36 PM

M is a ways off for us. Iíve already told her I wanted a prenup to protect my business. Sheís a business owner too so she wants one to protect hers as well.

Itís hard for me to say ďshe could blow up at any timeĒ when this is the first time sheís lost her temper in the year Iíve known her. Admittedly this blow up was pretty bad but I feel like this is more a case of, time will tell, if this is how she is or if that was just a bad moment.

BearlyBreathing posted 8/30/2020 14:01 PM

Has she seen someone to see if this is some form of anxiety? Panic attacks in the store, going off on a coworker (without first addressing his behavior, it sounds like).... It may be something chemical and can be addressed, through CBT or other means perhaps including medication.

Remember that she is representing your business and you and your businessí reputation.

Myname posted 8/30/2020 18:53 PM

There is a condition where noises like chewing and slurping set a person off. Not sure what the name of the disorder is but my brother-in-law has it. Itís an actual condition. You might want to read up on this and it may explain the over the top reaction. If not this, I would find the behavior very concerning.

Took your advice and did a little research. It's called Misophonia. Here's a little bit of what I found:

Misophonia is a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable given the circumstance.

Individuals with misophonia often report they are triggered by oral sounds -- the noise someone makes when they eat, breathe, or even chew.

If you have a mild reaction, you might feel:

Anxious
Uncomfortable
The urge to flee
Disgust

If your response is more severe, the sound in question might cause:

Rage
Anger
Hatred
Panic
Fear
Emotional distress

This sounds so much like her. I even said earlier in this post that she has run out of a grocery store or had a panic attack more than once because of sounds.

There is some talk therapy for this. Not sure how successful it can be. I think she and I will have to talk about this some. I'm not even sure she knows that this is an actual thing.

The1stWife posted 8/30/2020 19:40 PM

Letís say she has a condition as described and she has extreme reactions to sounds.

She needs to learn how to handle it. Period.

That doesnít explain her rage about her seat being kicked. Itís annoying and as I said, she could have easily said ďhey joe, you may not realize it but you are kicking my seatĒ.

This may be the first time this has happened in a year that you are dating. Thatís good. I still would be very careful b/c you donít know if itís happened every week when you are not around and she just doesnít tell (as an example).

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