"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Pinkivy111 posted 8/14/2020 17:42 PM

[This message edited by Pinkivy111 at 10:57 AM, October 8th (Thursday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 8/14/2020 22:32 PM

Hi pink. I am so sorry you had to find SI, but glad you did. Im also impressed by your decisive action.

I truly feel like a terrible person for abandoning someone who betrayed me and didn't always treat me well, but never abused me and ultimately supported and loved me very much.

Do you really believe that chronic lying and betrayal is not a form of abuse? Is that what you would say to your sister or your best friend? He did abuse you, emotionally.

I get that he suffered a loss 4 years ago. It is not your fault he did not seek help if he needed it. And sure you have some issues (don’t we all?). But if he was unhappy he had 1000 other ways to handle it other than to purposefully sign up to a dating app. Also, if he just wanted sex, it sounds like you were game for that. So I call bullshit there.

My ex also claimed the “too private to see a counselor.” Ends up he was willing to share his body with other people but not seek help for us. By telling me he was so private, I never pried, never pushed too hard. Made it VERY easy for him to get away with cheating.

Did you speak to a lawyer? Make sure that if he legally should provide some support that he is doing so. FEEL NO GUILT for that You were going to school to make better lives for both of you. His guilting you was just him being a jerk. And do not feel badly that you don’t want to R. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for most of us, and you need to do what you need to do. It would be much much worse to find this out later and then be able to other things in your life. You are young and you will build a beautiful new life.

Please go the Just Found OUt forum and read through a few. You’ll learn some good stuff, even though you have already decide.

Some things to make sure you do/did:
1) See a lawyer to make sure you get all you are entitled to. Many will do a consultation for free.
2) See your doctor for STD panel— get checked for everything, tell them your husband cheated. You don’t want to miss anything that will cause long term problems.
3) Watch your Depression/anxiety. If your meditation is not doing the job, see your doctor. Many of us needed anti-anxiety or antidepressants for a while to get us through the words of this journey.
4) Can you get in to Individual counseling (IC)? Sometimes employers have an EAP or even cover some IC. It can be very very helpful in getting clear on what you want and how to avoid his manipulations.
5) Exercise,eat well drink, lots of water, and avoid alcohol. These will help body and mind.

Hang in there, pink. You will get through this.

The1stWife posted 8/15/2020 03:56 AM

You sound like a very driven motivated young woman.

Life might be hard now with your schedule and personal life being up-ended. But....it won’t always be that way. You will survive this.

You wouldn’t be you without having pain and unhappiness over ending your marriage. It’s hard to walk away sometimes. You can see the good in your XH or soon to be XH.

But you can see the reality of your marriage and XH too. It was not all good. In fact it was a pretty lonely marriage from what you describe.

It’s great you understand his behavior changed when he suffered the death of his mom. But that is not a reason to cheat. He’s private — as you state — but found someone else to be intimate with.

Maybe you need some professional help to work through your pain. But I would suggest you not beat yourself up over your decision to D. You did your best in your marriage. You admit you married young and maybe not the best choice for you any longer.

Your H is sad. However he created this mess. He is being naive to think he could Snap his fingers and your marriage survives an affair. He didn’t put much effort into making amends or reconciling from what you describe.

Stop blaming yourself for putting yourself first. It takes an adult to recognize when things must change. Your xH had every opportunity to try to make amends and repair the damage.

His refusal for any professional help was one of many mistakes. His unwillingness to even consider it shows you he won’t be open to making changes there. And he thought he could move forward with you and your marriage by doing what he thought was best. He gambled and lost.

Stop letting him guilt you or stop blaming yourself. It won’t change anything and you need to be happy too. You cannot stay in a marriage where you are unhappy. It just won’t work.

OwningItNow posted 8/15/2020 05:02 AM

I am going to be straight forward due to lack of time, and this is just my opinion, but give it some thought.

There are two kinds of guilt: justified and unjustified. Which do you have? You seem uncertain which means you are very unclear on what strong boundaries should be with him. Are you in IC? That would help. Once you understand false guilt, you can let it go. And if it's justified guilt, you can fix what you did.

That's you. What is his role? Well, he is clearly an avoidant personality while you appear anxious. That is a common pairing but brings discontent as the anxious person chases while the avoidant runs away. How does he run from you?

Denies sex
Denies affection
Turns to porn
Turns to dating sites
Triangles in a third party interloper
Refuses vulnerability (no IC)
No socializing
Blames you, accuses you (chooses to see you as enemy)
Sees himself as the victim (you as enemy)

He is physically and emotionally avoiding the vulnerability and true work in your relationship. Only HE can change that, and he is not. So why would you feel guilty? Your guilt is unjustified because YOU have not done anything wrong. Let the guilt go. He did not do anything to fix the M. His rage is selfish rage, not justified rage.

You should probably check out attachment styles so you don't choose another avoidant. Because life is a cruel joke sometimes, anxious attachments ("Love me more!") often choose avoidants ("I need space!") and the two play out a crazy, frustrating dance. You should read up on it.

I know you can find someone else. This guy is not showing any signs of being Mr. Right, so let him--and the guilt--go. Work on you and finding a healthy partner. Good luck!

99problems posted 8/15/2020 06:09 AM

Your story makes me think you are justified in leaving. If the infidelity is a deal breaker for you, then don't prolong the pain.
It took me almost 4 years to realize that it was a deal breaker. Wish I would have realized that sooner. But I let things like my kid and the good times past distract me from focusing on my own feelings and values (something I was not raised to focus on anyway) and let myself wither away in a spiral of pain for years.
Don't do that. You're worth more. We all are.