Personally, i heard a revolving, shapeshifting, and groundless series of "why's" that made so little sense to me that i straight up told my ex that I would not put up with having to listen to them anymore, as they were obviously pulled straight from a rearward-facing orifice.
I've had a similar experience.
There is such a thin line between the whys and excuses. I've always wondered how anyone, including the WS, can tell the difference.
This is the essential conundrum, to the point where I'm like "Do I even care any more?" She successfully buried the texts, failed her polygraph and there just seems to be a hard line past which she will not go.
I don't know how to reestabish authentic trust and intimacy in the face of that. We have something much more surface now, though she seems to believe for herself it is deeper.
She's being so kind and understanding now, out of fear of losing what she had and didn't appreciate before. She can continue to act like this for the rest of her life. But what matters is not how people are, but how they can be. She already showed it.
I have actually been thinking something pretty close to this the past several weeks. My version is she seems to have gone through a period where she craved excitement, or whatever she believed she wasn't getting, enjoyed the attention from a younger man, and of course never intended for me to find out.
As far as the marriage, she thought it was something she wanted and would not walk away from.
But she wanted him. She enjoyed every aspect of the affair, their long talks, their make out sessions, the texting, the secret messages, the longing looks.
He made her feel "like no other man, ever." (something she told me later).
So she plowed on through my soft confrontations, she went ahead with crossing the Rubicon and planning and inviting him over to our house for the express purpose of unprotected sex while I was out of town.
Then I heard a VAR recording where they alluded to the sex, chuckled about it, he fawned over her gorgeous hair (she does have gorgeous hair, among other things), and she told him she didn't even care if I found out about the affair.
It was a very casual conversation, in which he was freaking out a little that I had figured out a phone number he was using. She laughed at him and said "I told you he was really smart" (referring to me). Then they bemoaned the fact that each of them were married to "such assholes."
It was kind run of the mill conversation, ho hum. Like this wasn't serious for her. Her voice was knowing and deeper. She used quirks and mannerisms in this conversation with him that I thought were exclusive to me, but which in hindsight I now realize are just part of her repertoire for handling men.
Now she's scrambling like mad to save the *marriage* she never intended to destroy, but took for granted. She's told me several times how she's grieved over the fact that she envisioned us growing old together and that may not happen now.
Because it's comfortable for her and because it was a good marriage in the first place. She understands how frightening it will be for her to be alone at 50 as a woman.
Does that make me plan B? I don't know.
I’m wondering, if that’s the case, is there no burning desire on your part to understand why she cheated? Is it past the point that you care anymore?
Almost every poster that I can recall, whether they’re in the process of R, completed R, Divorced, or are in limbo, at a minimum, has uncovered the stated why’s. I’m not sure how you can remain in this state of limbo indefinitely without getting to the bottom of why, as well as the unanswered questions you have.
I can’t see this ending well. Maybe when your youngest gets out of HS, which is a long way off, the plug gets pulled. In your current status, can you actually envision retiring in bliss with your WW? Your posts come off as logical and analytical, but your coexistence as it now stands with your WW is the antithesis. It’s difficult to wrap one’s head around it.
There was a burning desire to understand the affair before. There was a burning desire for truth. I just don't think there is in me as I examine myself currently. Maybe that will change. I just don't feel an ache to "get to the bottom" of it now. I'm pretty apathetic about it and very apathetic about our marriage. Example: She wants to kiss me constantly. She's the one to initiate most hugging and kissing and most sex most of the time.
I reciprocate always, but when we're going in for that kiss, I always just have this feeling inside that is withholding. I enjoy the kiss as a physical act, but I can't really put my finger on the emotional tone I feel or don't feel as we're doing it. It certainly isn't the same as before D-Day.
In your current status, can you actually envision retiring in bliss with your WW?
No, I can't.
[This message edited by Thumos at 4:07 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]