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Self-care after break up

newlife03 posted 8/3/2020 11:40 AM

SO and I are not seeing each other right now. I'm trying to accept things and move forward (will share details later although I posted about a "break" a few weeks ago).

After the xWH baloney I figured out how to pick myself up and keep going. I'm struggling with doing that this time. I don't know if it's because there's no real "hurt" associated with this break up like the infidelity crap with xWH. I still love him and I know he cares for me although the love may be gone. I stepped away physically but emotionally I'm very much still there.

I'm struggling with the every day thoughts of him and what I had planned for our future. I don't remember what I did before to get through this hard painful time, but I had 3 little kids to care for back then so maybe they were what kept me going whereas now my youngest will graduate and leave for college next year. I've taken up a few hobbies and am trying to keep busy at home.

As for anyone else, I found this quote from someone (Sorry, can't remember who) on another thread from TTS:

A casual relationship here and there may be, for purely sexual purposes, but I will never again give away my heart.

This is where I am, I can't imagine ever bringing anyone into my life on a serious level again. I know it's "too soon" to think of that anyway, but part of my pain does come from broken future plans and the fact that he wasn't just a part of my life but my kids' as well.

Just needed to vent; maybe if I put my loneliness down in writing (I already journal it) I'll feel it a little less. The absence of our relationship is overwhelming but if I made it through infidelity I can do anything, right? Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 12:29 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Chili posted 8/3/2020 12:41 PM

Hey newlife03. I'm finding myself alone right now as well and just wrote something in the D/S forum about it. These days feel a lot like right after Dday for me so I find myself "re-tapping" into skills I learned back then. There might be something in there that is similar to your situation.

When you say you're struggling with picking yourself up this time, can you explain that a little more? Is it the extra-unknown about the future that we're all struggling with during these strange days? Or is it that you don't feel the anger like you did with infidelity and maybe that helped move you forward last go-round?

newlife03 posted 8/3/2020 13:01 PM

When you say you're struggling with picking yourself up this time, can you explain that a little more? Is it the extra-unknown about the future that we're all struggling with during these strange days? Or is it that you don't feel the anger like you did with infidelity and maybe that helped move you forward last go-round?

I feel like I'm struggling more this time because I was hurt and angry with xWH for his actions in choosing to be unfaithful. SO (or I guess xSO but I'm not ready for that yet) hasn't been unfaithful, he's been honest about his feelings and shows genuine concern for mine. And with him going through external issues that have nothing to do with me I want to "hold on" to the idea that we could reunite. I know it's unrealistic, but that's just where I am.

Plus, with the xWH I had my 3 little kids to look after and they kept me on my toes 24/7! Today I go home and really don't have to "care" for anyone but me. I have more time to remember the good times and be sad for what I've lost.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 16:13 PM

A counsellor suggested I try a journal, I have found it very useful. Every time Iím reminded of what was taken from me, I try and write down what Iím feeling. Not to read it later but to get it out. It has helped me and Iíve felt better.
I think in my case I knew it was over a long time ago but stayed for her kids, it was like a switch going off last week, where I just started to detach, sleeping is hard but exercise and Mindfulness tricks have helped

newlife03 posted 8/3/2020 17:20 PM

Yes, I've been journaling every feeling, just getting it on paper with the hope that it doesn't just sit in my head.

Blindsided2425 posted 8/3/2020 19:13 PM

I do find that once I write it down, it helps getting it out of my head.

SI Staff posted 8/4/2020 05:47 AM

   Moving to New Beginnings

WhoTheBleep posted 8/4/2020 06:25 AM

Newlife03, I'm so sorry you are hurting. Breakups are awful. That phrase you quoted was mine. I'm giving love one last go, but this will likely be it for me. I don't really need a man to be happy, and the breakups are just too painful.

Glad you are journaling, and I hear you on never knowing what the future could bring. Sometimes people find their way back to each other. Just make sure it's for the right reasons if it does happen. And don't put your life on hold waiting for that to happen.

You'll get through this. Time...

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:26 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

Kintsugi posted 8/4/2020 15:46 PM

I sure can relate newlife. Did he ask for no contact? This concept is a whole new thing for me as I'm going through this right now, and with each mistake the liklihood of getting back together gets slimmer. I've made a tone of mistakes on the NC, but I think she was done anyway. We're so used to 180, but the NC in a breakup is different. You might want to read up on it and use it to your advantage, not to manipulate but to make the heart grow fonder with absence. Yes, the infidelity from the M was a whole different animal compared to this. It hurts in a different way, and perhaps a little more to the heart.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 3:59 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

newlife03 posted 8/4/2020 16:42 PM

He didn't come out and say "go away", but I asked if he felt I should "back off for a while" while he gets his head together. He said he felt it might be best.

I'm trying to do No Contact but we work for the same employer so I see him and/or correspond with him somewhat regularly. We keep it professional (always have, actually) but him not reaching over for a hug or anything hurts. His feelings truly are gone and I'm a mess.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 5:17 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

Kintsugi posted 8/4/2020 17:38 PM

Went to correct the quotes newlife, and accidently deleted the text. Bottom line, positive affirmation and realizing your worth in the relationship goes a long way!

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 10:00 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

newlife03 posted 8/5/2020 11:19 AM

Thank you, struggling but I know it'll be ok at some point.

trying to smile posted 8/5/2020 19:30 PM

This is where I am, I can't imagine ever bringing anyone into my life on a serious level again. I know it's "too soon" to think of that anyway, but part of my pain does come from broken future plans and the fact that he wasn't just a part of my life but my kids' as well.

I'm so sorry newlife, so sorry.
Yes the end of the dreams and future plans is really, really hard. I'm triggering alot and finding it difficult because I'm so used to looking out for things that we were going to include in our future. Hard when my first instinct is to quickly send him a link to something he would have been interested in.
My kids are grown but my daughter adored him and the feeling seemed to be mutual, she's in a world of pain too. I think I hate that most of all.

Hang in there, we can do this.

tts

newlife03 posted 8/6/2020 09:27 AM

tts, you said exactly what I'm feeling. I'm so sorry for you as well. I've read articles about living for today only and not thinking about the 'what if's' of the future but it's hard when you know your future is to be alone.

trying to smile posted 8/6/2020 19:34 PM

I've read articles about living for today only and not thinking about the 'what if's' of the future but it's hard when you know your future is to be alone.

Oh honey I feel exactly the same way. I know there are many, many happy and fulfilled people in the world who don't have a significant other in their lives but I'm a person who believes life is better when it's shared.

My goal right now is to work on me, to become a better, more fulfilled, amazing woman who is happy and confident in herself. My goal is to attract a like minded man into my life who is physically, emotionally and mentally healthy unlike the emotionally unavailable, damaged men of my past. My goal is to be so happy in my own life that if for some reason that man doesn't come along I'll be ok anyway. More than ok.

I know it seems early but lets exam your goals. Let's set some goals. I know you can do this.

tts

[This message edited by trying to smile at 7:36 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

newlife03 posted 8/8/2020 09:44 AM

My goal is to accept that itís over. Hopefully once I can do that the other goals will follow.

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