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Why wonít he file??

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Chrysalis123 posted 8/3/2020 07:55 AM

He is not worried about the kids telling but his family finding out and being mad at him.

Stop covering for him. Next time the opportunity arises tell YOUR truth to everyone. It's not your job to protect him nor lie for him. You do know he is counting on YOU to sacrifice yourself for him and it is intentional. He is manipulating your "good nature".

The issue is your "good nature" has gone out of control. Let me give you an example from my life.

I am a very loyal person. However with WS my loyalty became toxic loyalty. I was loyal when I should not have been loyal. Kind of like being loyal to person that keeps stealing your money over and over again. The behavior of the thief is not safe and does not deserve loyalty. In my case, setting up healthy boundaries was terrifying to me. My feelings told me I was being mean and impatient. However my thinking was all screwed up...... Feelings are not facts- And that is where therapy, Alanon, and SI came into play and taught me what I needed in order to become an emotionally healthy adult.

Another great book is "Woman Who Love too Much" by Robin Norwood.

I too am a recovering Codependent. Alanon taught me the self care skills and boundaries I needed. It's almost free weekly therapy.

There're also support groups for codependents too without the addiction component.

Ginger12 posted 8/3/2020 14:08 PM

Thank you all so much for your advice. Another dumb move on my part was this past weekend he wanted to take the kids to the lake for the weekend. The house they were going to was the house the OW bought for them (he could not afford it). My youngest refused to go without me and OW could not go so he had me go as well. It was very awkward being in her space and my H was so worried there would be some trace left behind that I was there. He told the kids no one can ever talk about it. We had a good weekend but it hurt knowing my kids will get that fun life down there with H and OW. I really need to get my confidence up and get past the part where I feel the need to win.

jadedangel posted 8/3/2020 15:14 PM

My youngest refused to go without me and OW could not go so he had me go as well.

You already know that this past weekend was a mistake. I understand about children wanting both parents together but no. At this time there is no playing happy family.

It was very awkward being in her space and my H was so worried there would be some trace left behind that I was there.
You went to the OW's home and your HUSBAND was more worried about there being traces of you there and upsetting his gravy train. Wow. You deserve so much more than crumbs. Your kids deserve more than crumbs. Let the OW have him.

I really need to get my confidence up and get past the part where I feel the need to win.

Live a life worth living. Build your confidence up in a way to suit you. College classes? New hair? Idk but there are ways to do it other than waiting on another person to build yourself up.

Believe it or not you can do this. Good luck to you.

OwningItNow posted 8/3/2020 15:17 PM

He told the kids no one can ever talk about it.

Sweetie, what are you doing? You never, ever put children in this position. You are an accomplice to this man's sick games, and your kids will be messed up for life.

You need a legal agreement in place. You need to try and stand up for what the kids want. You should never, ever agree to be in the OW's space as it paints you as the interloper. That idea will mess with your children's heads.

Please, this situation is beyond alarming. On so many levels. Are you in IC? You should be going twice a week. I am very worried about the lessons your kids are learning. Nobody is protecting them, and nobody is protecting their mom who they are not sure is doing good or doing bad because "don't tell a soul." Dear god. This must stop.

OwningItNow posted 8/3/2020 15:22 PM

I really need to get my confidence up and get past the part where I feel the need to win.

Win what? Some narcissistic piece of crap who uses people, even his own children, like rags that he throws away? A person who literally ignores other people as if they don't have feelings and are merely props in the drama of his life? A pig who tells his kids to lie and hide things? This is the PRIZE you want to win?


Why don't you hate this pig who treats people so badly, all of you? He should disgust you. He is a selfish, self-centered, superficial monster. Where is your disgust?

Just because HE wanted a day at the beach. Everyone jumps, lies, hides, denies, gets over it, and sucks it up.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:26 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Ginger12 posted 8/3/2020 15:54 PM

I was in group and IC for almost 6 months a couple of years ago but I don't think either was getting to the issues I have with codependence/childhood issues from a dad who left when he got another family and a paranoid alcoholic mom. Time to start IC over again it appears.

OwningItNow posted 8/3/2020 17:57 PM

When a dad leaves for a new family, a child is going to be hypersensitive to ever allowing that to happen again. This explains the need to win that you speak of. I assume when you were young you had a sense that they won your dad and you lost.

But bring your FOO up to present day. You have not had nearly enough IC to right this thinking in your head, to realize that life is not about hanging on to terrible partners. Your child brain is telling you it is. This is the FOO you are now giving to your children, teaching them that we let people abuse us because the most important thing is keeping people in your life, no matter how they humiliate or disrespect you. This is what love looks like.

They will grow up and do the same choosing disrespectful partners or run from it, most likely by hurting their partners (cheating on them, abandoning them) before they can ever humiliate them. And the FOO lives on forever stealing peace and joy from the family members.

Please go back to IC and stay there. This is a fight for your kids' mental and emotional health. You must work against your FOO baggage so that they see these unhealthy attachments more clearly. They need you to show them how to have safe, happy relationships and how to let go when they aren't. They are watching you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:59 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

Ginger12 posted 8/4/2020 15:39 PM

Thank you so much for all your advice it truly helps. I already see my youngest giving into his dad all the time because he does not want to upset him. Of course, according to H, I am the one messing up everyone's lives and I am holding him hostage.

EllieKMAS posted 8/4/2020 17:37 PM

Ginger, I know this is way easier typed than done. But that said - this ride ends when you say when and get off of it. Your wh is a total fucking douchebag who is doing ungodly HUGE amounts of emotional damage to your kids and to you, and you are allowing it. And you don't have to allow it. You don't have to accept it.

I struggle with CoD too. But if I've learned anything in my life these last few years, it is that my life feels out of control and insane until I put a firm self-protective boundary down. That is when I take my control back.

I am a kind-hearted soul too. But not when people are shitting all over me. Never again.

Oh and not recommending that you ever go back to OW house (cus that is so fucked up that he did that!!), but if you did, I would go chaotic good and rearrange everything in her house (switch all contents of kitchen cupboards/drawers, move all her clothes, leave an upper decker in the toilet - well that one is chaotic evil, but she deserves it). Let the fucker wh explain that shit to the homewrecking trash.

Please get yourself some IC/alanon and get yourself free of his toxicity. If not for you, do it for your kids!

susielee posted 8/4/2020 19:05 PM

I would get out of that. What if he died, would you as his actual wife be liable for paying of the house he bought?

In many states you would. I know in ours it is that way.

Gently: Get out of that mess and protect your financial future.

Ginger12 posted 8/5/2020 13:06 PM

It just blows my mind since he says she is the love of his life why do that to her and invite me to her house. Why still want to get with me? Why not move on to your happy life instead of being held hostage as he says. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night and make me think I could still have a chance. That is why it is so hard to let go.

EllieKMAS posted 8/5/2020 13:22 PM

Ginger I think the bigger question here is why do you even want to stay with someone who has treated you and your children in such an appalling manner? Why do you want 'a chance' with someone like that? These are kind of rhetorical, but I think are important for you to think about.

He has consistently shown you who he is - and that is a lying, manipulative, abusive shithead. He will not change because he does not care. I know you are hurting and I know that truth sucks and is so hard to hear, but you will keep staying stuck until you look at the reality of what actually IS. Cus we can hope and wish all damn day and it doesn't change someone like your wh into a good husband and father. All that hoping and wishing just keeps you swimming in the toxic pool.

Phoenix1 posted 8/5/2020 14:04 PM

Why not move on to your happy life instead of being held hostage as he says

You need to reframe your thinking and put the focus on YOU instead of your WH. Think about this instead:

Why am *I* not moving on to the happy life *I* deserve instead of being held hostage by my emotional ties to someone who treats me so deplorably!

Then sit with that thought. Breaking a co-dependent cycle is hard work, but you will thank yourself later if you do that hard work. You need to convince yourself that you are worth so much more than the stale crumbs he is feeding you. Focus on YOU.

OwningItNow posted 8/5/2020 19:32 PM

We can all clearly see that your obsession with "still having a chance" is coming from a very unhealthy, damaging place. It is most likely a leftover feeling from childhood and wanting to hang on to your dad. It's playing out all over again. You must work on this issue non-stop until you break this unhealthy compulsion to keep trying to get him back.

Do you see that your thinking about getting him back is messed up? Or not really?

One more question: what do you imagine will happen to you if you let go of your ex, if you never speak to him again and go NC? How do you imagine handling it and feeling?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:34 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Ginger12 posted 8/5/2020 20:49 PM

I guess I see it as winning and he picked me which I can see is from wanting my dad to pick me over my half sisters. I have been with my Husband since HS so 25 years now. I feel he is the only person who does know me because my family is a train wreck. Iím pretty sure thatís why I give in to him and will still sleep with him cause I feel if he is still doing that with me he will not be fully committed to her. It does suck that he lives with her and has this great life with her as he says, but part of me thinks if she is so great why not bring your kids or family into that life after 5 yrs. why keep it hidden? These are the things that give me I guess false hope.

Phoenix1 posted 8/5/2020 22:01 PM

part of me thinks if she is so great why not bring your kids or family into that life after 5 yrs. why keep it hidden?

He's doing it because he is playing you, but your not seeing it. We see it clearly from the outside, and that is what everyone is trying to get you to see as well. Why is he doing it? Because he can, and you're not stopping him. He gets to continue having both lives with no consequences. He gets his ego kibbles by having two women want him. The kids are incidental at this point, byproducts that aren't really important.

He will continue to play this game as long as you allow it. This is the game you want to win, with the prize being a cake-eating cheater that uses people until they cease to be of benefit to him. This is the epitome of self-centered behavior that is classic of remorseless cheaters.

The sad reality with remorseless cheaters like your WH is that even if he gave up OW for you, it is only a matter of time before he cheats again. He feels entitled, and you are enabling that behavior whether you realize it or not.

From a legal perspective, in many states that allow infidelity for grounds for D, every time you have sex with him you are "forgiving" his cheating and eliminating the use of infidelity in a D. It may or may not have an impact on you legally, depending on your state's laws, but think about that - you are forgiving him. Are you really okay with that? If you are, then you need to realize you have basically signed on to an open marriage because he is not going to stop. Even if that means moving onto a new AP. He has no reason to stop at this point. If you are okay with this, keep the status quo. If you are not okay with this, you have the power to stop it, if you so choose. It's up to you.

OwningItNow posted 8/5/2020 22:20 PM

So what happens if you go NC? Walk it forward in your mind. Imagine not responding to a text or call,ignoring him. Would this be hard? Why?

Ginger12 posted 8/5/2020 22:29 PM

Owningitnow, going no contact is so sorry to think about. I think if I donít contact I loose control Iím away, not that I have any. He gets very annoyed and says I ask him way to many questions if I ask what he is doing or what he did on a day we donít see him. I truly appreciate all your feedback. It does help and gives me things to think about.

Planetx posted 8/7/2020 23:14 PM

Oh no! If heís still trying to be physical with you while going home to her every night, heís trying to make you into the other woman. I know you said you were stubborn, but I think itís time to file and move on. How are you able to move forward in your healing if heís still coming around playing family? Donít you need to split up the assets? Donít be a part of his lie to his family anymore, you will feel so much lighter with no ties to him.

OwningItNow posted 8/8/2020 00:09 AM

I think if I donít contact I loose control Iím away, not that I have any. He gets very annoyed and says I ask him way to many questions if I ask what he is doing or what he did on a day we donít see him.

So it causes you a huge amount of anxiety when you do not have contact and know what he is up to? You feel a little dizzy and obsessed, maybe send too many texts in a row, maybe get cranky with the kids, maybe struggle to concentrate until you connect with him again? When my codependency was at its very worst, I was this way when my boyfriend was out of my sight.

So when you are feeling out of control because of no contact, does the sound of his voice bring a rush of relief? Does it almost feel like you took a drug and calmed down?

And lastly, do you always behave however he wants? If something will upset him, will you avoid doing it? Do you ever upset him knowingly or intentionally?

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