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Ex is engaged

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JanaGreen posted 7/22/2020 13:24 PM

To the girlfriend he started dating before divorce was filed, the one he called me asking for advice about after he cheated on her before the divorce was final. The one who called ME for advice after her counselor urged her to do so after they broke up one of many times. The same girlfriend about whom he mused, "Dating someone with kids [she has one, we have two] is a lot of work - maybe I should have stuck with the hot 27-year-old" [the one he cheated on her with].

Apparently there was no real proposal, he got her a ring and wasnt sure he liked it so he showed it to her. I asked him, well, did she say yes? And he said oh yeah, that's what she's wanted from day 1.

Y'all. Im sure this is going to be smooooth sailing, right?

HeartFullOfHoles posted 7/22/2020 13:36 PM

May they have all the happiness they "deserve"

JanaGreen posted 7/22/2020 13:42 PM

I actually like her. Aside from her sneakiness initially, she's always been nice to me and she's good to the kids. I feel for her. I know exactly the way she's being treated and cheating is not the worst thing he does.

fooled13years posted 7/22/2020 14:41 PM

JanaGreen,
She knows who he is as it appears as they are cut from the same cloth

Aside from her sneakiness initially

I hope I am wrong but

Dating someone with kids [she has one, we have two] is a lot of work - maybe I should have stuck with the hot 27-year-old

With this attitude I don't see this lasting very long before one or the other (or both) end up cheating on the other.

Snapdragon posted 7/22/2020 15:15 PM

She must have very low self worth if this is all she thinks she deserves.

JanaGreen posted 7/22/2020 15:43 PM

I would be surprised if she cheated on him. And i don't really blame her for the sneakiness. We had been separated for 6 months and were not getting back together. She and I had met once when I was pregnant with my son and she sent me a FB friend request. When they got together she deleted me, I'm sure at his request. I'm sure he told her I would be jealous or vindictive or whatever. My issue was that they were going on a bunch of trips and we still had a joint account, I didn't GAF who he slept with at that point. So eh. Was she being sneaky, sure. From her perspective though, I don't blame her. It's water under the bridge. She's more than paid for it at this point.

The1stWife posted 7/22/2020 17:42 PM

Tell her to make sure she has a pre-nup and he signs the pre-nup.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:51 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 7/22/2020 18:07 PM

I agree with Snapdragon.

HeartFullOfHoles posted 7/22/2020 18:26 PM

If you know the train has come off the tracks before and it hasn't been repaired don't be surprise if you end up in repeated train wrecks!

It sounds like she knows what she is getting herself into and given she treats your kids well not much else for you to worry about.

EvenKeel posted 7/23/2020 12:43 PM

As we say on SI......May they get all the happiness they deserve!

ZenMumWalking posted 7/23/2020 14:44 PM

So now he's somebody else's problem!!

JanaGreen posted 7/23/2020 20:36 PM

They became Facebook official tonight and I felt betrayed by every "like" I thought was a friend - which is ludicrous, I know.

phmh posted 7/23/2020 21:27 PM

I think it is so incredibly ridiculous on how these cheaters who failed so spectacularly at marriage decide to do it again. On one hand, I feel bad for his fiancee; on the other, she knows what she's getting into and probably feels that she's special and things will be different. Joke's on her as people don't change who they are.

I would also feel betrayed by the likes. Can you unfollow him or stop pain shopping in some way? Life sucks so much now that you certainly don't need to be adding unpleasantness to it.

Know that they will get what they deserve in the end. You may never know it but they are miserable, unhappy people and don't appear to have the capacity to even try to improve. Don't let them take you down with them.

FaithFool posted 7/23/2020 21:36 PM

Oh barf.

Good luck to the soulmate schmoopies. Their love is real.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 9:36 PM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

JanaGreen posted 7/24/2020 07:39 AM

395 likes and a smattering of comments. A lot of those people know exactly how he treated me. I know it's silly of me to take personally but it feels like a slap in the face.


And also now I'm starting to have doubts. I had initially met her when I was pregnant with my son in 2015, when ex and I were at a tailgate party before a football game. She was a friend of a friend of my ex's, and he (ex) already knew her. Then as far as I know they reconnected in fall of 2017, after he had moved out. And started dating shortly thereafter. I'd gone through all of this timeline with my lawyer, and my brother was there with me when I was talking to her. So coincidentally he was also at that tailgate party and met her. The lawyer asked me, do you think that there has been something going on since that tailgate party? And my brother and I both said No at the same time. And she looked at us and said why. And I told her that she had lost a lot of weight between the time of the tailgate party and the time that they started dating, and I did not believe that my ex would have given her a second look at her higher weight. My lawyer's response was, wow, he really is an ass isn't he? LOL. But I'm really tired and kind of in my feelings about all of this, and now I wonder if maybe there was something going on. That fall roughly coincided with the time that he started back with his bullshit asshole behavior. Which correlates with cheating.

I don't believe anything that he tells me generally, but I have always believed him about when they started dating. But now I'm thinking maybe not. It doesn't really matter and I will never know, because I will never ever ever ask him. It would feed his ego so much for me to ask that question and for him to get to gaslight me and feel like I was jealous and gave a crap about him. I would never give him that satisfaction at this point. But I just kind of wonder.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 7:40 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

HeartFullOfHoles posted 7/24/2020 09:38 AM

It seems like social media is full of distortions and obligatory responses so try not to worry about the likes. I get it, but how many of these people are doing it out of habit while secretly laughing about or questioning the situation?

You're divorced, who cares if his relationship started earlier. I was talking to someone after my divorce and he asked how I handled her trip to visit her AP? Now she swore they never met (so she could say it wasn't really an affair), but at that point it didn't really matter. It was just more information pointing to who she had become or had been hiding all those years.

Try not to give it any headspace and do something special with your SO or children this weekend.

Do you need an IC appointment to process why this bothers you so much or is SI support enough?

JanaGreen posted 7/24/2020 09:57 AM

I definitely need IC. I just don't know when I would get it. I have a lot of anger that I hold on to about the things I tolerated in my marriage, and the death by 1000 cuts that is coparenting with him keeps that fire constantly stoked.

We are going to get pizza with the kids tomorrow (BF will have his youngest and I'll have my 2), and then tomorrow we are ALL going to paint. So that'll be fun.

LosferWords posted 7/24/2020 10:06 AM

Definitely feel free to vent away here, Jana. I've found that sometimes it helps me to get things off my chest, particularly when processing anger, and it's not always easy to get into IC while balancing kids, work, etc.

I've found social media to be such a farce in so many ways. I do understand how it can get to you, though. Happens to many of us.

Glad you have some fun times planned this weekend. Enjoy!

JanaGreen posted 7/24/2020 10:42 AM

Thanks guys. Its just so fake. I know about all the fights and the cheating and the drama. Then they post these slick filtered pics to social media, "luv u babe," building a huge lake house, riding around in a big fancy boat, showing all that off. But my daughter says her dad is never there. Its always his gf or the babysitter taking care of them. Except when it's photo op FOTY luv u babe time I guess. 🤷

HeartFullOfHoles posted 7/24/2020 10:58 AM

Good, seize the weekend!

Many of us understand and have experienced that anger. In hindsight the emotional/mental abuse I tolerated was likely worse than her affair. Fortunately I have less than a year of required interaction left with my ex. At that point I will likely block her on all forms of communication. Almost every interaction with her is still toxic and of course nothing is ever her fault (part of her FOO issues).

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