SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My guess is that Gibraltar is the preacher, church is getting heavily involved to pressure you into her agenda.

Stay strong

AH, you seem to be feeling stronger and more on top of this horrid situation. I admire your resolve and wish you only the best for your meeting with the OBS.

Stay strong and look after yourself.

they said that as bad as adultery is but it could be used as a base to build even a stronger relationship

It's so good for a marriage that basically everyone should do it! You should tell them divorce can build an even stronger relationship.

Thumos, please weigh in and give this guy some scriptural strength to face the forgiveness-bullying that he's about to be subjected to.

AH,

she is not the worst WW in the world , she isn’t a serial cheater and didn’t tell me the sex with OM was good in front of my kids a a dinner table

Some of what you are saying has me thinking that a small part of you is viewing R as a form of reward and D is a form of punishment.

I hope I am wrong with that assumption.

Whatever you decide should be what is best for you and the children.

Some people here stayed, they don't actual R, for the kids and what a D might do to their lives.

IMHO it is worse for the kids to see a marriage where both parents are there but they are not in it all the way.

Jesus. So now everybody at church knows she fitted you with a set of horns. Is your wife a complete self entitled idiot? Does she not get that you are entitled to some small amount of dignity? Some privacy?

I’ve been through something like this and will say that for me it was a crazy making infuriating maneuver. Even now I cringe.

Your wife is desperate to keep up her lifestyle but this move should be viewed as counterproductive to her cause.

I’m betting the gift is some evidence that is not going to make you happy. Best of luck.

Hey brother I hope meeting with the OMW goes well for you. I would be very interested in what her thoughts are pertaining to your pending D. Do you feel she has also made a decision for her relationship?

Just the church people and their meeting at your home. Just my opinion only is that they were just trying to help a family in need. Like all of us it is just their view They are just really R.

Please I mean no disrespect but if the AP is going to D, do you think your STBX and POS will end up as a couple?

One day at a time

Buffer

Oh no.

Now she's spun up the church groups to mediate the recovery of your marriage, by way of showing that forgiveness is the key to your future happiness and eternal bliss with her. I guess the mantra is: life is short, have an affair to improve your marriage.

Fortunately you have the horrific evidence of their exchanges and you're about to get more from OBS. You can ask her support groups if they want to see it. Don't let WW build up all these support groups that can't believe you can't meet her halfway across the bridge.

Remember that you were in the middle of the bridge, wondering where she was, as as you were standing there, she burned it down with you on it.

I'm not saying R or D. That's up to you. So far she's seriously minimizing the R effort and is now using her sales skills to spin up this entourage of empathizers who can't understand what's wrong with you.

AH how did you react to the surprise intervention group. Did you get pissed off or did you stay cool and hear them out. Oh I bet they had a prayer circle too, and made you hold hands with your WW.

Bet that was a long hot shower afterwards.

it sounds like she is divorcing her POS husband too. I wonder what kind of gift she got for me and why she insists on that restaurant.

Hopefully print outs of texts and emails between WW and OM. That could be useful to you even in D in settling any doubt in your mind about the path that you are choosing no matter how small. You can even read them out loud next time her churchgoers show up and see what they think about it.

AHG, check out JLarson's thread if you have not already. He too was sold on the myth that relationships come back stronger after infidelity. Ask around here and you will see almost no one has a stronger marriage after infidelity. Some people have been lucky enough to get to "good but different", some very lucky people are at "great but at a huge cost", and some people can only get so far as "meh" about their marriage and FWS. In a few rare cases, the marriage had significant issues that the BS and WS only worked on after the A came to light so they genuinely have a better marriage in spite of the A but not because of the A. Everyone else is some form of unhappy in limbo or happily D'd. If you happen upon that couple who came over to sell you a R bridge, ask them how terrible their marriage was that infidelity fixed it.

AHGuy,

other thing , when i got home last night a bunch of people from our church were there to talk to me. an elderly couple and 3 other women.

(1) It was not fair to ambush you this way.

Yes, it suits your wife's drive to get you to accept her affair and let her off the hook, but if she actually cared about how you feel, and respected your boundaries, she would not have arranged this without telling you about it beforehand, and getting confirmation from you that you wanted to talk to these people.

Instead of that, she bushwhacked you, giving you no time to prepare your thoughts before such a discussion took place, as you would have done if you had known about it and agreed to take part in it.

(2) If these people are such great sources of wisdom, why did your wife not speak to them before her two-year affair, or at any point during it?

I understand the motivations of the crowd that turned up unexpectedly, they think they are doing a 'good' thing, but your wife did not speak to any of them (or the pastor) about the affair until after it was discovered.

Why did she not ask them if she should have an affair before she had it? Their opinions were not sought at that point in time, probably because your wife knew they would have told her to not have the affair, and she wanted to have it.

I am sure they are very good people, but your wife is only consulting them now to use them as her sales-team, to push her campaign. If she really respected their advice, she would have consulted them before her affair.

(3) Are these people aware that there are restrictions on people visiting each other because of COVID?

This is arguably the most important concern of all.

How wise is it to have five strangers in the family home for an unannounced visit? Any one of them could have been carrying the virus, and could have given it to you and the kids.

And conversely, if you or the kids were carrying the virus, you could have passed it to any or all of the five people, including two elderly people who are in at 'at risk' group.

The lives of all concerned must be safeguarded, and your wife should start thinking about the safety of elderly people before exposing them to potential danger just because it suits her own purposes.

Seriously, AHGuy, you have to put your foot down and ban any more home visits like this until things are back to normal. Peoples' health, and their lives, are at risk through travel and contact at this time.

These people could have emailed you, skyped/facetimed you, or written you a letter. Instead, they chose the riskiest option, and even if they do not mind risking their well-being, they should not be risking yours, or your children's.

I talked to the other wife to let her know about my plan to file for Divorce and ask about more details of her POS husband's Affairs, she was busy and wanted to meet with me face to face later today and suggested we meet at a restaurant that our cheating spouses used to go to she promised me a surprise gift, I agreed so we'll meet there at 7:00 PM. it sounds like she is divorcing her POS husband too. I wonder what kind of gift she got for me and why she insists on that restaurant.

Please be careful and follow the health guidance. The meeting may be productive, but we live in dangerous times. It is good that you are maintaining contact with the other wife.

It is possible that she and her husband also went to that restaurant, and that she just likes the place. Or she might think that it is an appropriate place to go as it relates to the affair, which is the subject of the discussion.

The 'surprise' might be more evidence that she has gathered from her husband's computer/phone, but who knows, it could be anything really. You will find out when you see her tonight. I hope it won't be that your wife and the AP turn up together, only to be surprised by you and the AP's wife.

[This message edited by M1965 at 9:09 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

🤦🏼‍♂️She still does not get what she has done.

Sitting in a circle, holding hands, drinking warm milk and singing kumbaya does not wipe out what she did.

Look people can reconcile, this site was founded by a couple that reconciled. But only those where the wayward puts in a shit load of effort and is genuinely remorseful have a chance of success. She has not yet told you the entire truth so there is nothing you can do except follow your current path to divorce.

If the pos om had really wanted her he would have left his wife long ago, right now your WW is not really an option for him. Hopefully his wife gives you further evidence that might help you with a better settlement and frankly if you want to be free of your WW then it does not matter who she sees after the divorce. Stay strong, stay focused and become closer to your kids.

I had to remind her that I'm not there yet and don't think I will ever get there. I did tell her that I may have questions for her and that if she really has found the lord like she claimed she 'd better be 100% honest. she said she would answer any questions.

Good, now make a list so that you don't miss anything and ask all the questions, this is the perfect time, she ambushed you with the church cavalry, so go for it now while she's still in that "guilty/trying to prove she's now modest mode", sit her down and get it over with, tell her the questions could be subject to a polygraph test.

Good luck with OBS tonight, I'm curious about the gift, hopefully it's not a sexual gift, watch out for that, RA offers between WS's are not that common but certainly not unheard of and yes, we've seen it happened here before where the OBS's engaged in an RA, most notorious case I remember is that of Spaceghost007, but hopefully it's none of that, if it is, the feeling of getting back at AP may be strong but I suggest you respectfully decline.

AH

Yes, it’s true that this could be the base on which a great marriage is built.

But read this post to it’s end:

Imagine you live a relatively normal life. You don’t really think too much about your health. You might smoke despite knowing its not healthy. You might skip breakfast and be a little late every morning in your commute to work. You scream at the other @ssholes that drive too slowly. You take the elevator to your second floor office. You drink coffee with sugar and cream by the gallon. For lunch you have a burger, fries and a shake. Get home too late, have a beer or two, lie down in front of the screen and microwave your Ace Microwave Lasagna.

Then one day you feel a pain shoot down your left arm and next thing you know you are in recovery at the ER from a cardiac arrest.

At the hospital the doctor has a serious talk with you: Change your ways or die.

So you read up on nutrition. Maybe even have a specialist explain how to avoid certain fats, carbs and so on. You go online and order all the spandex go-faster running clothes and shoes. You read about yoga and meditation and self-awareness. You get nicotine patches and gum. You even get a gym membership card.

If you then go home and simply do some of the stuff – like maybe eat breakfast – but don’t change other behaviors then chances are there will be a relapse. The gym-card does not do any good in your wallet. Nor do the go-faster clothes make you any healthier. The recipe-books don’t change your diet if not used.

The moment you start changing is the moment things change.

When you enter that gym and lift weights. The moment you hit the pavement and jog your first mile. The moment you start planning your meals, eating healthy and avoiding junk-food. The moment you deal with your smoking. It’s tough at first, but after some time you start getting results. They in turn churn you on.

Maybe 3 years from when you entered the gym first you might sit down and reflect on where you are. You might be in the best physical form ever. You might be agile and nimble and stretch like a rubber-band. You might have lost the love-handles. You are a lot calmer and better rested for your commute. Have more energy to do chores around your house. You might be feeling better than ever before.

Not for a moment would you feel appreciation for the hamburgers and fries and the tobacco and booze that got you the cardiac arrest that made you change.

You would realize that what you did is something you could have started at any time – without the cardiac arrest.

You would appreciate the WORK you have done to get you to where you are, you would not appreciate what made you have to change.

It’s the same with infidelity.

I for one think we BS are NEVER to blame for the decision to cheat but we are accountable for the condition of our marriage. We might have contributed to our marriage not being the best, but we DID NOT give reason for the WS to drop their pants. We can decide that IF we want to reconcile then we want to go all the way – jog, change diet, stop smoking, lift weights… or communicate, plan, focus on family and relationships, IC, MC, mutual respect and a common joint goal in life.

So yes – a marriage can become better after infidelity but NEVER because of the infidelity. It becomes better because of the work BOTH partners do to make it better. That work could have been done without infidelity and in fact would be so much easier had no infidelity have occurred. Infidelity had NO PART in making it better. Not any more than the daily hamburger and fries had any part in helping you run the first two miles.

Whether your “case” is the worst or not is a moot point. What I or anyone else can or can’t accept is a moot point. This is YOUR battle with infidelity and you can chose to reconcile or divorce totally based on YOUR evaluation of YOUR situation.

I’m constantly surprised by those that post here that believe reconciliation is never attainable and a relationship can never be better if you do the work reconciliation requires. I find it so abusive to come to a site built by a couple that did exactly that and then s@it on what they did. I’m not telling you to R, not any more than I’m telling you to D. But get out of infidelity using either one of those paths and don’t limit your path out of infidelity to one if the other is the one you chose and is open to you – be it D or R.

Oh My God, A. This is one of the most shitbird moves I could ever imagine.

First, after using a loss of Jesus as the first justification for a 2 year A (as opposed to, something, like, her own vanity and selfishness), she is now circling the wagons with the congregation, to pressure you to do her bidding.

Because, of course, all she EVER wanted was YOU. Her affair was just a cry for help for you to accept the galactic love she feels for you, which is what caused her to stray from the righteous path in the first place, and what in fact was what drove her during the entire A.

This cannot work, no matter what the outcome is. Let's say they convince you. What then? You will be left alone to battle the demons SHE created. The manipulation will continue. She will be on her best behavior -- for a time -- because her strategy will have worked.

This is a galactic part of her sales pitch, and unfortunately doesn't bold well for what happens if you fail to toe the line.

Don't fall for this bullshit. It is an incremental attack on your humanity.

I’m constantly surprised by those that post here that believe reconciliation is never attainable and a relationship can never be better if you do the work reconciliation requires. I find it so abusive to come to a site built by a couple that did exactly that and then s@it on what they did. I’m not telling you to R, not any more than I’m telling you to D. But get out of infidelity using either one of those paths and don’t limit your path out of infidelity to one if the other is the one you chose and is open to you – be it D or R.

Excellent advise Bigger

[This message edited by UnderCover at 9:54 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

Oh one point

If you ask your wife questions one of the best prepped ways would be to follow the way Walloped did with his 100 mammoth session

Read his post

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=566988&AP=581&HL=

[This message edited by UnderCover at 10:03 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

I’m constantly surprised by those that post here that believe reconciliation is never attainable and a relationship can never be better if you do the work reconciliation requires. I find it so abusive to come to a site built by a couple that did exactly that and then s@it on what they did. I’m not telling you to R, not any more than I’m telling you to D. But get out of infidelity using either one of those paths and don’t limit your path out of infidelity to one if the other is the one you chose and is open to you – be it D or R.

I'd like to point out that I find it just as abusive when people post blaming a BS for the infidelity or a failing R and try to sell a struggling BS a bridge about how R is attainable in every situation if the BS works hard enough and that the BS can make a better marriage by doing all the hard lifting themselves. To feel responsible for their WS's behavior has notable negative affects on mental health and encourages limbo and "Pick Me" dancing. Luckily, in both cases, there are only a handful of posters who take such extreme stances on R and D. The best advice will always be that which empowers a BS to make their own decision and gives them ways to do that whether their goal is R or D as well as that which advocates for their healing needs regardless of R or D.

I'm sorry you got ambushed by a group from her church. I really admire that you had the self control to listen to them.

Continue being civil, polite, and respectful as you exit from infidelity (and ultimately getting away from a life partner that you don't trust).

IMO it's not so much she thinks she's in R, but rather the only thing she can do to save her marriage is to continue working on herself and providing whatever you need to heal. And she'll continue doing that right up until the D is final.

I believe it's standard advice given to a WW.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 10:19 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

nekonamida

Please - next time you see someone post something along the lines you correctly point out as harmful to BS then let me know.

Posted by AHguy:

other thing , when i got home last night a bunch of people from our church were there to talk to me. an elderly couple and 3 other women. the elderly couple did most of the talking,basically that there is way out of this through forgiveness and acceptance bla bla bla. the elderly couple survived an infidelity 28 years ago, they shared their story ( very sad one by the way) and how he was able to forgive her and move on to a great marriage and beautiful family, with kids and grandkids. they said that as bad as adultery is but it could be used as a base to build even a stronger relationship and they had seen it many times and they are a live example of it. My wife is acting like we are in R, she is trying to be open with me with what she is doing. I had to remind her that I'm not there yet and don't think I will ever get there. I did tell her that I may have questions for her and that if she really has found the lord like she claimed she 'd better be 100% honest. she said she would answer any questions.

So you see AHguy, THE RESPONSIBILITY IS ON YOU, AGAIN, to stop being such a dick and to get to work on forgiving her for the horrible actions and she did and hurt she visited upon you.

Her strategy is simply to pressure you into giving in.

Maybe you should reconvene that group, and present them with a play-by-play of what you know.

Maybe you should then tell them to hush up and ask her if it was just Jesus' fault that she fell on the other guy's dick over and over again.

Ask her if Jesus made her stop, or if it was just being busted? Or would she be finding Jesus in her boyfriends pants as we speak?

This is what burns me up about infidelity mediation via pastor, church, therapist etc.

It's always: "Cheater is sorry and did a couple of things to make a show of sorriness, now it is your turn to forgive the sex, talking shit about you, humiliation etc. Get over it".

AHguy, you have no pressure to do anything except what is best for you and your kids.

But I would certainly pressure her to give up all the ingratiation, every last bit of it. Polygraph, notes, receipts ad statements, devices etc.

She wants to be forgiven, then she needs to tell you what she wants to be forgiven for. Don't let any of these people who do not have to live your life tell you otherwise.