I'm a WW. I had been feeling an emotional disconnect with my faithful husband for many years, feeling lonely in the marriage, and feeling low self esteem all around.
I fantasized about having an affair, what it would be like to have a fun, flirtatious relationship- even a brief one- with a different man. I had the case of 'wandering eye' especially when away on family vacations, seeing men in public that I was very attracted to. I'd only been with my husband most of my adult life. I wasn't feeling the romantic spark with him anymore. He worked all the time, I raised the kids, it was always a traditional marriage. I wanted to go back to work, only to find dull and low-paying jobs that bored me to tears.
A little over a year ago, I began spending a lot of time on a certain social media site (not FB, not IG or Twitter) but a popular site with message boards, advice, chatting, and PM opportunities for just about any kind of online 'friendship' you could dream of making. I started getting into private messaging exchanges with men, which turned into 'pen pals.' Some of my male pen pals introduced me to chat apps like Kik and Telegram. Telegram was my app of choice. Out of all the guys I was 'pen pals' with, 3 men became my AP's in varying degrees.
The 3 affairs with long distance men lasted about 3 to 6 months each. The first was a more emotional affair, lasted from April 2019 to July 2019. This man and I exchanged a lot of friendly conversations and I felt attached to him, to the point where I let him go, because he was married also.
The second was a flirty and explicit 'sexting' affair with a single man. We exchanged photos, endearments and emojis, and a lot of 'wishing you could drive down and see me' hints from him. It lasted from December 2019, off and on into just this June. I remember feeling so sexually charged and so desired and youthful with him.
The third online affair was the kind of sexting and flirting relationship to the second, a single dad long distance. He was 10 years younger than me, and he was more interested in sexting and getting my "boudoir" photos than having deep conversation, which made that relationship less satisfying because I liked 'friendship' from my AP's. We pulled away from each other a month ago but he still comes into my messaging app saying he misses me, but I'm trying to not re-engage him.
I haven't told my husband the entire truth about the explicit sexting and flirting in the online affairs. I confessed to having online male pen pals, and that it 'got to flirting' and he was basically forgiving but unhappy with what I had done. I feel like if I tell him every detail and how sexually excited I was by interacting with 2 of the men, plus my feeling 'emotionally attached' to the first guy, he would be crushed.
I would like to start IC when the pandemic dies down, and to explain my husband I need to get some therapy for the depression and the core issues that led me to this. He's been trying to connect better with me emotionally, and sex has improved slightly. I'm trying to forget the fantasies of my AP's. It's almost as if they 'haunt' my sex life with my husband now. Sometimes part of the longing for an affair was because I was only with my husband? Wanting to know what it's like to have a relationship with someone different??
I want to stop! I love my husband dearly. I want him to be enough, to be ALL I DESIRE emotionally and sexually. I want SO MUCH to never be tempted again to have an online AP, or an EA, or even the final temptation of a PA which I came dangerously close to having if I'd decided to meet with the second guy.
I still haven't deleted the Telegram app. And I admit that the reason is because I've deleted it before- and re-downloaded. I haven't deleted my account. I know I should, mostly because I want to erase the fact this ever happened. My phone is fingerprint protected. I deleted all the sexual chats.
I just need some encouragement and to hear your stories if you have gone through something like this. A lot of times, it doesn't feel 'real' because it was online.
BS- please don't pile on the shame. I feel shame enough and am terrified to confess everything. I go to church with my husband and look the part of a nice, happy, devoted wife, and yet I'm sitting on this secret. :(
[This message edited by sodonewiththis23 at 11:27 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]