X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Should I be more sympathetic to her reasons?

Pages: 1 · 2

BSforaBS posted 6/12/2020 18:59 PM

Hello all, and thank you for reading.

My WW (33F) and I (35M) have been together for almost 11 years. DDay was last September when WW had a drunken ONS while I was on a work trip. She confessed about a week after returning (about 2 weeks after the act). A few days of trickle truth saying they only kissed before admitting to oral and full-on sex. AP was some random from the hotel bar apparently. She claims that he initiated and she was NOT too drunk to consent.

Up until this point, I thought our relationship was rock solid. No fighting, both high libido, same political/spiritual views, same love languages and what I thought was open communication. We both have high paying, high stress jobs that require travel. No kids.

My WW has only had one other sex partner besides myself and AP. Her first was her abusive long term ex-bf. She mainly blames the ONS on:

1. Poor self image (she is NC with entire family due to childhood abuse)
2. Being drunk
3. Wanting to experience more sexual partners
4. Jealosy that I had had more sexual partners

She doesnít blame me our anything in our relationship. She says our relationship was perfect and she canít belives she destroyed it for nothing. Honestly I sort of feel like that makes it all worse being completely blind-sided like this.

Sheís offered complete transparency on all her devices but thatís not the kind of relationship I want.. Both of us have been trying to get in to IC but itís been tough with everthing related to COVID.

I moved out immediately to stay with my sister. Iíve been leaning harder towards divorce lately. WW seems remorseful and has been reading all the books relating to infidelity. She says we shouldnít throw away 10 years over just one night. Honestly thoughÖ Iím disgusted by her. I canít even look at her tbh. I donít yell or antagonize her, in fact Iíve just sort of shut down and donít engage with her. I have literally lost all of my trust (and franklyÖ respect) for her.

I went through the sadness and anger and nowÖ I just feel numb when Iím not around her and visceral disgust when I see or talk to her. We were best friends for so many years and now itís like a flip has been switched in my brain. I want nothing to do with her. I want NO relationship, platonic or otherwise. Should I keep waiting this out? I wanted to wait before making any quick decisions but at this point Ö or my original question, should I be more sympathetic to her reasons?

BeyondRage posted 6/12/2020 19:33 PM

BS

Her reasons 1 & 2 are par for the course . Youíd like to have a dollar for everytime a WW babbles those .

Reasons # 3 &4 are the elephants in the room . Right now sheís in self defense mode , but no matter what you do it will not change sheís only had you and OM as sex partners. In your 30,s leaves a long time to go before that reason pops
Up again . A ONS pick doesnít reason in most cases quench the thirst for sex partners
Likewise on #4, you canít undo your amount of sex partners prior to marriage. So how does she catch up ???

Now you and only you can decide to R or D . Youíre allowed to do either . And until you figure that out Iíd resist doing what you probably will be urged to do here and rush her, you, or both of you to the therapists couch.

The one positive thing she did is straight out told you exactly why she did what she did. If she does do IC you need to get her to agree to sign document authorizing shrink to meet you to make sure youíre both getting the same story .

It ok if this is a dealbreaker and itís ok if itís not .

Unsure2019 posted 6/12/2020 19:54 PM


Hi BS,

Just a quick question. How did you find out your WW had a ONS? Did you catch something or did she come clean on her own?

I agree with everything Beyond Rage said Ė especially numbers 3 and 4. For me, these two reasons would be a deal breaker. Neither of you can change the number of partners youíve been intimate with. I think this will weigh on her until in her mind she gets ďcaught upĒ. I would not want to put anything into a relationship where I knew in advance she felt she still needed to explore sexually with others. Sense you are both well paid and travel for work, I think there is enormous risk for her falling off the sexual wagon - and if she does it again, she will have learned it best not to tell you. A good IC may help her here, but youíll have to wait months, if not years, to know if it helped enough. Do not rush into R on this this one!

M1965 posted 6/12/2020 20:15 PM

Hi BS,

Listen, if you feel like it is all over, maybe it is all over.

What is the point of fighting to stay with someone who makes you feel the way you do when you are close to her?

Why not liberate yourself and find someone you can trust?

WW...says we shouldnít throw away 10 years over just one night.

The obvious question is that if ten years means anything, why did she throw it away for one night?

And no, you should not be sympathetic to her reasons. Quite the opposite. I am sure you could find a thousand and one reasons why you ought to be having sex with other women, but you did not do it.

If this is too much for you, accept it. Some turds cannot be polished into acceptability. Let your wife go and chase the man that was worth more than a decade of marriage. He must love her and want to marry her, right?

Cut the ties, let her pursue Mr Hotel, and you find yourself someone new.

Be thankful for your clarity, if nothing else.

Newlifeisgreat posted 6/12/2020 20:30 PM

No matter how incredulous this may seem, you appear to be doing quite well. You wife has intentionally thrown you in Hell, and you are refusing to stay there. Oh, you may not feel like you are sprinting out of the gates of hell, but cut yourself some slack. What she has done with her betrayal is incredibly traumatic . It takes time to get over the shock and then get your head on straight.

For me, some sins are unforgivable!!! I donít care about any of those excuses, and thatís what the are, EXCUSES!!! In the end, she WANTED to give herself to another man.

I filed immediately and never looked back. I still look upon that decision as the single best decision in my life personally, I believe that marriages are like stools in that it depends on 3 legs...
Love
Respect
Trust

i donít believe someone could love you and still sleep with another person. No matter what the condition of the marriage, how could love someone and cause the level of devastation and pain to the so called loved on by your selfish behavior of sleeping with someone else?

The cheater certainly doesnít respect you and therefore sleeps with another person. It would be the epitome of DISrespect!!!

And as for trust, how could you ever trust your cheating spouse again? How can you not wonder if she is in bed or the back seat with someone else anytime she is 10 minutes late. Or sure, you could keep constant watch over all of her electronics and watch the tracking program on their phone, but is that the life anyone really wants? That doesnít sound like a marriage to me. Is she willing to quit her job and find one where she doesnít have to travel???? Will you trust her when she is staying over at hotels around the country on business??? That would be insane!!!!!

And yes, I will agree that a stool can still work if one of the legs is damaged, but them it is just too uncomfortable to be useful.
She has been putting you through Hell!! Why would you ever want to continue this life????

There is nothing wrong if you decide that her infidelity is a dealbreaker. It certainly was for me.

Good luck and stay strong!!
You donít deserve ANY of this.
Finally, no matter what you do, make sure that you are always able to look in the eye of the person in the mirror

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 8:35 PM, June 12th (Friday)]

Buster123 posted 6/12/2020 20:37 PM

I agree 100% with M1965, read his post again, cheaters are NOT owed a second chance, so if this is a dealbreaker for you, that's Ok too. She broke her vows and D is a logical consequence of such huge betrayal, she told you weeks later so she gambled with your health, she could have exposed you to STDs, have you been tested ? OTOH her reaons are just typical BS straight from the cheater's handbook. Based on what you posted, it seems this is a dealbreaker for you, I agree you don't have to make any decisions right now, but it's your call if you do, after all she made the unilateral decision to cheat on you, no kids, RUN !!!

iamweasel posted 6/12/2020 21:13 PM

"We shouldn't throw away 10 years over just one night"
Yeah unless it was you having that "one night" and then that view may be just a little different.
Thats exactly how most people are, unfortunately, if I do it you should forgive me, if you do it I'll have your a** for dinner.

ShutterHappy posted 6/12/2020 21:35 PM

should I be more sympathetic to her reasons?

The only reason she cheated is that she wanted to.

Like M1965 said, she threw away your marriage, not you. The moment she started to unbutton her blouse, she basically divorced you. She just "forgot" to tell you.

Now you can choose to build a new marriage with this woman.... or not

Even if she does everything right from this point and becomes the perfect remorseful spouse, itís perfectly fine to formalize the Divorce. The choice is yours.

This0is0Fine posted 6/12/2020 23:26 PM

No kids. Fucking run.

Organic2003 posted 6/13/2020 01:02 AM

Hi BSforaBS

I think normally letting go of a WW when there are no children is usually the fastest way to healing. You are in the very prime of your life and will have no problems finding a partner who loves and respects you. After nine months of separation and you still look at her with "visceral" disgust you would be doing both of you a favor to end it.

If you feel you should give it more of a try that's ok too. If she is truly remorseful, she really could be a good wife and you can work through, but damn its hard, especially with your current feeling of wanting nothing to do with her.

Why did she tell you? You were gone so she was in a local HOTEL bar! Sounds like a plan to get laid? Was this really the first time and was this really a stranger? Something is off but a cheater will lie alot. Was she fishing for an open relationship by telling you?

I am sure you have asked yourself these questions a many more over the last nine months but none of them matter if the marriage is over.

It really is ok not to reconcile and in your case it is probable best for you and her. Trusting her when she travels for work IMO will be a very high hurdle.

Get checked for STD's and take care of yourself.

Unsure2019 posted 6/13/2020 01:19 AM

BS,

Have you been separated since September? If so, how do you know that she hasn't been adding to her "number of sexual partners"?

joecardinals posted 6/13/2020 02:49 AM

Sorry you are going through this. I might consider being sympathetic towards the first one regarding her self image if she had gone through intensive therapy and made that discovery, but right now it just sounds like a lame excuse by her playing the victim. The other 3 reasons sound like utter nonsense to me.

GoldenR posted 6/13/2020 03:11 AM

To answer your question.... when it comes to surviving infidelity, there really is no "should do" anything aside from taking care of yourself.

Buffer posted 6/13/2020 03:16 AM

Brother BS,
Your question, answer ĎNoí.
Every person has some sort of excuse, from committing a crime, to the failure of adultery.
She may have issues from her past.
But BR, has hit the nail on the head.
My opinion only, but she had a ONS because she could.
Self image, is one thing.
Alcohol is a depressant, lowering her inhibitions allowing the mind and body to wander.
Wanting to experience more partners, how many more is enough?
The last jealousy well that is just a cop out.
I am not wanting to rub salt onto a open wound, but she knew what was going to happen, and could have stopped at any time. But she didnít. She didnít consider your 10 year relationship when she faltered.
Are there any children in this relationship? I didnít read if there were.
Why did she come clean? Did you pick up on a red flag or two?
Take your time to decide what you need to do D or R. You donít have to make your mind up right now. Your emotions will rise and fall, anger will re appear, then subside.
Please seek IC to guide you. But it will be your call. Get tested for STDs and STIs, there was no safe sex, could she be pregnant. Consult a lawyer, know your rights and responsibilities.
Has she had enough partners now?
One day at a time
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 3:20 AM, June 13th (Saturday)]

Robert22205https posted 6/13/2020 05:47 AM

Why did she go to a hotel bar alone?

That doesn't sound random (it sounds intentional).

A few days of trickle truth saying they only kissed before admitting to oral and full-on sex.

The above is standard script for a cheater.

If she confessed, it's probably because she was seen at the bar and knew you'd find out eventually.

The man was a stranger? Don't believe her (she's protecting the OM). It's more likely the bartender or someone she knew.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:49 AM, June 13th (Saturday)]

ramius posted 6/13/2020 10:34 AM

Reasons...

1. Poor self image (she is NC with entire family due to childhood abuse)
2. Being drunk
3. Wanting to experience more sexual partners
4. Jealosy that I had had more sexual partners

1&2....Bullshit. Thousands of people have suffered abuse, have a poor self image, thousands of people get drunk.....and donít cheat. So these are nonstarters.

3&4....ok so....then what? Unless you want an open marriage, or she finds a time traveling DeLorean.

We both have high paying, high stress jobs that require travel.

Sheís offered complete transparency on all her devices but thatís not the kind of relationship I want.

So she will still be traveling for work. And you (correctly IMO) do not want to play junior detective for the rest of your marriage, and have to polygraph her after every trip.

It been 9 months since your D-Day.

now itís like a flip has been switched in my brain. I want nothing to do with her. I want NO relationship, platonic or otherwise. Should I keep waiting this out?

Youíve already waited it out long enough to gestate a baby.

The opposite of love is not hate. Itís apathy. Itís just not really caring anymore. Sounds like youíre there. I doubt there is anything she or a therapist can say that is going to make you care again.

NoOptTo posted 6/13/2020 14:20 PM

To sum it up. Your feeling that you want to D her. You've been separated for 9 months. Most counseling says to wait 6 months before making any life changing decisions. Seems as if her behavior is a personal dealbreaker for you. You know this deep down inside. Time to cut the cord. See a lawyer and start learning your expectations, responsibilities, and your rights for when you start the D process. Knowledge is power my friend. The more you know before you start down this road, the easier it will be for you in the end. Try to figure out your WW responses to each step along the way. Try to be one step ahead of by anticipating her reactions. D is a business transaction. Keep your emotions out of it. Protect as many of your personal assets as possible.

Good luck to you.

TheLostOne2020 posted 6/13/2020 14:47 PM

BSforaBS


1. Poor self image (she is NC with entire family due to childhood abuse)
2. Being drunk
3. Wanting to experience more sexual partners
4. Jealosy that I had had more sexual partners

If these are true, then how does a one night stand satisfy any of them? Further, why do any of these things enable her to compromise her morals and principles?

She doesnít blame me our anything in our relationship. She says our relationship was perfect and she canít belives she destroyed it for nothing. Honestly I sort of feel like that makes it all worse being completely blind-sided like this.

Sheís offered complete transparency on all her devices but thatís not the kind of relationship I want.. Both of us have been trying to get in to IC but itís been tough with everthing related to COVID.

Okay. I mean, that's a start but it could be the case that the damage is too great.

I moved out immediately to stay with my sister. Iíve been leaning harder towards divorce lately. WW seems remorseful and has been reading all the books relating to infidelity. She says we shouldnít throw away 10 years over just one night. Honestly thoughÖ Iím disgusted by her. I canít even look at her tbh. I donít yell or antagonize her, in fact Iíve just sort of shut down and donít engage with her. I have literally lost all of my trust (and franklyÖ respect) for her.

By doing what she did, she threw away 10 years. It's already been thrown away. IF you decide to reconcile that's a gift.

I went through the sadness and anger and nowÖ I just feel numb when Iím not around her and visceral disgust when I see or talk to her. We were best friends for so many years and now itís like a flip has been switched in my brain. I want nothing to do with her. I want NO relationship, platonic or otherwise. Should I keep waiting this out? I wanted to wait before making any quick decisions but at this point Ö or my original question, should I be more sympathetic to her reasons?

If you're settled, you're settled. I don't know of any betrayed spouses who regretted divorcing their cheating waywards.

Booyah posted 6/13/2020 18:34 PM

When I read reasons 3 & 4 two things come to mind.

She's selfish and has the mentality of a child.

"Jealous that you had more sexual partners"??

This was definitely planned on her part (either she knew who the OM was or she went to this hotel bar to get laid so that in her infantile brain she was catching up to you (sexual partners).

TheGuy123 posted 6/13/2020 21:34 PM

You do not need to be sympathetic to her reason.

It was a choice she made and bad behavior has consequences or bad behavior continues.

She is not a safe partner so let her go!

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy