MakeMineReal makes some good points. I'd make my spouse read that posting, if I wanted to reconcile (I didn't make my spouse read that, because I came here two years into reconciliation and because I came here 8 years ago).
You say you are an introvert, I have an entirely new definition of introvert and extrovert since this happened to me.
Introvert = Someone who doesn't need a lot of people to affirm their worth.
Extrovert = Someone who is likely to cheat on their introvert spouse.
Pretty terrible, I know.
Now I'm 40 years old
Which is young still, and there is time to recover, and live. Not sure where you live, but if you are in any of the industrialized modern countries, life expectancy for women is your entire life again.
How can I ever rebuild trust in this man?
You don't know if you can. You have to figure out if you want to, if he is worth it, and if he can remain "worth it" for the long haul. My FWS and I made a good run at this, and despite a lot of good work, nearly divorced two years in, I took off my wedding band, left the family home, met with and told the kids I was divorcing their mother for lying to me, and slept in my office one night, only to come back the next day, tell everyone I'd made one mistake, I wasn't leaving, I wasn't the one that was lying and sneaking around and being dishonest, and told her she could get out, stay, or do whatever, but it wasn't going to be me leaving the home. It took that for me FWS to pull her head out of her ass, yet again, and there were more troubled days to come, years into the future. Reconciliation is hard, the hardest thing I have ever done.
How do I go back to school, try to put food on the table, a roof over my head, and take care of our son?
You can figure that out, if you have to, it will not be easy. However, I will suggest that reconciliation may make that look like a walk in the park.
If I stay then I see myself living in the shadows of this mess. Feeling insecure and bitter. I'm triggered by my thoughts and by driving past the gas stations and parking lots were he had cheap sex. I don't know how to ever let it go. It destroyed me and my self confidence is wrecked. He is desperate to work it out and is willing to do whatever it takes to fix this. I can't see clearly and my emotions are out of control. I lost 11 pounds in 1 week. My hands keep trembling, I can't sleep, and I cant be a good Mom. I have my second visit with an infidelity counselor this week.
Triggers will diminish over time with hard work on yourself. It is not easy. It is something only those of us who have actually been there understand. I had no clue what people were talking about before this happened. You may not be able or even want to "let it go". You have to figure out if he is worth that effort.
How do I know if the damage done is too much to repair? Would he respect me if I stayed? Would I be able to respect myself?? I don't have time to weigh it out. I'm 40 and have to seriously think about finances--like planning a retirement. Would I ever be able to retire if I'm starting from scratch at this age? I'm so scared of the future that is staring me in the face. I am so scared!!!
Yes, you do have time to weigh it out. You have to take that time.
Yes, you can still retire (if it helps, when I was 40 I was completely broke and when I was 50 I spoke to my accountant and said "we only have "x" in retirement" and he said "you are way better off than most people your age", and my retirement account was doing so poorly that I would run out of money in less than 3 years if I had retired then, now I expect to have to work until I am 67-70. You have time to fix that.
So, don't worry about retirement right now, but start putting money aside for that end. Focus on the child, and worry about the father and whether or not he is a safe partner in the marriage, don't rug sweep, or you will find yourself in the same situation in 10 years, when you are 50.
He hid it so well. He even purchased a secret phone. It's not like it was a momentary lapse of judgment. He planned this stuff.
This is the root of the problem, why, who, when, and delving into character deficits that led him there.
Has there been a real change, or is the behavior lurking and manifesting in different ways. My FWS had an affair, broke it off, rededicated herself to the marriage and family, and DIDN'T CHANGE A DAMN THING for over 9 years. She continued to be secretive, manipulative with lies (it is easy to lie and manipulate someone who trusts you without question), and all she really changed was to stop fucking someone else. At one point, she was lying to her IC, lying to me, lying in MC, and lying to her medical doctor...and this was in "reconciliation"
When it all stopped, my wife had to be admitted inpatient in a psychiatric hospital after she really confessed, she had to confess to me, to her IC, to our MC, and eventually to her doctor because she was going out of her mind and couldn't keep track of all the lies.
Just not fucking other people is not enough, there has to be more, much more, to be a safe partner.