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He left us 7 times

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Zaksmummy posted 5/20/2020 18:06 PM

3 months ago whilst checking my and my WS cell bill I noticed the same number being texted over and over. I asked who it was he said a friend from his rock band. I was unsure to believe him as he had an affair 5 years ago but I decided to put it on the back burner. 10 weeks ago my WS told me out of the blue our 18 year marriage wasnít working for him. I admit I pleaded with him. We have a young child that we fought hard to conceive through IVF. I wanted to keep our family together because I love him. I was happy why was my WS not? Was there someone else I asked? No he replied. Itís your fault he told me and proceeded to bring up every single argument we have ever had over our 18 year relationship. I did this, I didnít do that. I agreed to work on my apparent failings Iím embarrassed to say.

Then lockdown happened in the UK. My WS was bombing around the English countryside gathering our supplies in a manly fashion as panic buying was in full progress in the country. At times he was gone for a long time but heís doing it for us I thought hunting out that loo rolll. I now know that was not the case, he was meeting the OP.

The day after lockdown our DS was sat next to him on the sofa and came to see me in another room. He had seen Daddy texting with heart emojis and xx , was it to me he asked? Umm no. I confronted WS, he told me he wasnít prepared to discuss her with me! OMG are you for real?? He left the house. Leaving no1. He came back the next morning, said he slept in his car. Was sorry it was just texting. He loved me but I needed to change. I love him so I say ok, no more contact. Text this woman and tell her that and we can work things out. He did this.

Over the next couple of days I noticed he was secretive with his phone, taking it to the loo and covering it with his arm. I confronted him again. Yes he said he was still texting. Leaving no 2 - Off he went out the door again of his own free will because he said this is never going to end is it, youíre never going to trust me! As if! The next morning he came back, he slept in his car and was sorry. So again, he promised to end it. So we continued,

I had a sense he was still texting so I again confronted him and true to form he started with his anger and bullying tactic of saying it was my fault and so leaving no 3 occurred. The next morning he returned and asked for forgiveness, his favourite way of putting it by now was what can I do to make this right. Stop messaging I say, there can only be 2 people in our marriage. Right he said ok.

This same scenarios occurred on leaving no 4.

Leaving no 5 occurred after he made the mistake of staying logged into his Facebook account on his pc and whilst he went out to walk the dog I took a peek and read all his messages between my WS and the OP. I discovered that he had been having a sexual affair for 6 months that he hadnít of course been sleeping in his car and the content of the messages between them was definitely not complimentary to me. I was referred to as an initial. Donít forget this is the man I thought I was happily married to for 18 years. He was planning a whole new life with her. Betraying me and our child. Lying and cheating and saying horrible things about me. I discovered he had been meeting up with her on dog walks at weekends whilst I was at home. I cannot put into words the pain I feel. I confronted him again. You guessed it, itís my fault he said and went out the door. Now I realise that you might think I would say enough but you know what? I love that man with all my heart. He has been my rock for 18 years. The next morning he came home, what can he do to make this right he said. I went mad. I screamed and shouted at him, how dare he do this again, what did he think he was doing to me but more importantly our DS? By now I was emotionally drained, exhausted. I took him back, pathetic I know but I did.

2 days later while he was on a dog walk I peeked at his e mail, he had locked me out of his FB messages now. And sure enough you guessed it e mails between them. Referring to me snooping and what a terrible person I was. When he came back out the door he went - leaving no 6. He came back again. Same story.

Stayed a week this time but I knew he was still messaging and once again confronted him. He admitted it. But this time he didnít leave for two days. I told him if he couldnít respect me I wanted him out. He told me that he would be leaving in the morning. Fine I said pack your stuff and get out, I cannot take anymore of your betrayal and bullying. He slept downstairs that night. In the morning he asked me how he could make it right!! Stop messaging I said. He told me he loved me so much and cried with me. That man, the father of my child wrapped me in his arms and told me I was his world. 8 hours later he came and told me he was leaving.
All my pent up emotion came out, how could he be so cruel I shouted, treating another human being like this. I told him to hang his head in shame and to live with the guilt for the rest of his life. Leaving no 7.

I have since realised he was waiting for her to return from work so he had somewhere to go. Seriously, how callous and calculated is that? This happened over complete lockdown. He stayed with the OP, a nurse working in a hospital and came home to me and his DS each time without a concern for our welfare. But Iím still broken and in bits. He has left us with nothing. Iím a stay at home Mum, I gave up my career to care for our little family. Iím terrified of life without him and yes I still love him. Our poor DS has been through this hell with me (12 years old) and is refusing contact so far though that may change. I tell him his Dad loves him but it doesnít feel like that to me or to him I suspect. Itís been two days and heís already demanding items from the house he says are his personal items. Including £7k in gold which you know I gave him, I know dumb but honestly I told him I wanted legal advice first but he got nasty and Iím just so mentally exhausted with it all right now I just couldnít be bothered to argue. Well, thatís my story. Iím just looking to make some sense of what has happened and to get some support because Iím just hanging on right now.

[This message edited by Zaksmummy at 6:12 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 5/20/2020 20:04 PM

Get a lawyer.

Donít let him come back home.

Get yourself some serious medical testing for every STD and then some.

Find yourself a good counselor to support you.

Iím sorry you are married to such a jerk.

Okokok posted 5/20/2020 20:17 PM

Hi. Your story sounds awful, but you're among friends here. Glad you found this place despite your circumstances.

Please make sure you check out the Healing Library on the lefthand side of the page and read everything you can there, especially the articles and the BS FAQ. There are also some pinned posts at the top of this forum. Read those, too.

Next, be sure you're doing whatever you can to take care of yourself. Drink water, make sure you're eating, and NO alcohol or drugs. Get exercise when you can, even just a walk every day. These things are very important.

Finally, post here as much as you want and can. All of us here were once in a situation just like yours. We can help support and guide you out of this mess. Things seem awful now, and they will be for a while, but there is great potential here to make tomorrow better than today, and next week better than last week, and so on. There really is a way out of this thing, whether that means reconciliation with your WS or a divorce. We can help you with either.

Something you should try to begin recognizing as soon as you can: affairs all tend to follow the same patterns. WSs, BSs, and APs all tend to do and say the same things.

As soon as you can begin realizing that, you'll come to see that the advice and feedback you're about to receive is likely very spot-on. Very in-tune with what's going on around you.

The more you can let us in on what's happening with you, WS (and even AP), the better advice you'll receive.

About that advice: some of it will seem on your wavelength, some won't. Some will feel like a big 2x4 to the face, and some won't. Listen to all of it. Soak it in. But ultimately, take what you can use and leave the rest.

The only thing people want for you from this point forward is that you get out of infidelity. If you decide to reconcile (and your husband comes with you), you will be supported in that. If you decide to divorce, we'll support you there, too.

If you struggle to go one way or another, will help you out with that.

Iím terrified of life without him and yes I still love him.

This is normal and OK. Your feelings are normal. It is normal to still love your husband.

So maybe we start here: if things could begin going right for you, say, tomorrow, what would that look like from here?

Meaning: perfect world scenario, what could happen from here that would feel like a *good* outcome for you? What could WS do or say (or stop doing, or stop saying)? Etc.?

I guess I'm asking: in your heart of hearts, what do you really, really want from here?

Please keep posting. We're in this with you.

somanyyears posted 5/20/2020 20:34 PM

..sad and sorry you are here.

I have 3 suggestions
1) consult a good divorce lawyer

2) consult another lawyer for a second opinion..

3) consult a third lawyer, just in case she is even better than the first two!

...what happened to "3 strikes... you're OUT" ?

Stay safe.

fareast posted 5/20/2020 20:55 PM

I am very sorry you are here. And sad that you and your son are going through this. It must be so hard having a 12 year old son while being married to a man with the maturity of a 12 year old.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:01 PM, June 26th (Friday)]

Tallgirl posted 5/20/2020 20:57 PM

Sweetie. I am so sorry you are in this terrible situation..

You need a good lawyer as soon as you can.

You may love him, but he is bad for you. He is a terrible example of a father to your son... do not let him back into your lives. Be strong for your sons sake. Your son does not need to go through any more. Show him how to be strong.

This man will do nothing but cause you pain.

And about the gold. Not unless you have to... again go to a lawyer.

Your husband is using you.. stand up for yourself. Teach your son about self respect and courage.

I know you can do this.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 8:58 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 5/20/2020 21:58 PM

Iím terrified of life without him

Iíd be terrified of life with him

Chrysalis123 posted 5/20/2020 22:03 PM

I agree with The1stwife.

Buster123 posted 5/21/2020 01:30 AM

Don't give him anything yet, get a lawyer, take half the money from the bank account and put it in an account in your name only, don't forget to get tested for STDs and EXPOSE his A with ALL family and close friends and of course with OBS if any (Without Warning).

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/21/2020 05:25 AM

I'm so sorry. That sounds so horrible. Your poor son. I will never understand why people think they can just walk out like that.

Don't give him anything. Don't let him in your home. He has been risking your and your son's life this whole time. First, by having sexual relations with someone and, second, by exposing you to a nurse during this pandemic! I can't even! That makes me so angry! 🤬

Get a lawyer asap!

Zaksmummy posted 5/21/2020 05:47 AM

Thank you all for your lovely support. Iíve been re reading your replies on and off today to help me find the strength and courage to deal with this awful pain.

steadychevy posted 5/21/2020 06:04 AM

I'm so sorry you are here but, given the circumstances, it's the best place you could have found. There are so many people here who have been through everything you've been through and what you're feeling.

There is nothing you did or did not do that caused him to commit adultery. There is nothing you did or did not do that could cause him to be so cruel with gaslighting and "punishing you". All of that is on him. All of it.

The one who invests the most in a relationship or marriage value it more. The one who "is along for the ride" and invests less values it less and feels much less loss when it ends.

As others have said - STD test if possible with the lockdown, lawyer up, lawyer up, lawyer up, no gold transfer until after lawyer, psychologist for you (70% of those betrayed like this will have PTSD) and probably psychologist for your DS.

If you examine your life you may discover that you gave him the benefit of the doubt or overlooked certain things throughout your marriage. Many of us found that in retrospect. Once betrayed and abused so terribly is there any way life after this with him would be tolerable. As The1stWife said "I'd be terrified of life with him".

Tigersrule77 posted 5/21/2020 07:11 AM

Your WH is showing you who he really is. You need to accept it and stop fighting it. He is not the man you believed him to be. He is selfish and dangerous. You need to start protecting yourself and your son.

I would agree with the advice from the others that you should contact a lawyer immediately. Document anything of any value he takes out of your home, it is most likely communal property.

I hope you have some friends or family you can contact to lean on. Don't be afraid to tell them about your situation. It is not YOUR fault, this is on your WH. HE chose to cheat, not you.

Notmine posted 5/21/2020 07:56 AM

Your kids come FIRST. I hope you did not give that piece fo shite the gold that you need to care for your kids. If you did, then you need to find some proof that it exists and keep it in a safe place. He will owe you half of the value of it. Take all the rest of the valuables and put them in the bank in a safety deposit box,.Take 1/2 of all monies out of bank accounts and open accounts in your name. Cancel credit cards that you share and get them in you own name. Inform the jackass the court will decide who gets what NOT him Do move out of the house under any circumstances. HE did this to YOU.

Get a mean, nasty, vindictive lawyer. Do not be intimidated by his manipulation. No contact except about the kids.

Sorry you are here.

Anna123 posted 5/21/2020 08:00 AM

My son was 12 when my husband betrayed us. It sucks but it is actually one of the better ages for it to happen for you as far as not worrying about your little one being away from you and the older kids seem to carry so much resentment. My son has adjusted well, and yours can too depending on how this goes going forward.

Cheater absolutely can not come home again. It is too much of a risk for your child to have him there, and witness anymore turmoil to have him leave again. You can let him know that when Dad proves he is worthy, changes his ways, and sticks with it for many months, then you can revisit the option. If you decided you want to give him ANOTHER chance, he would also have to 'court' you from afar. I think 7 tries pretty much proves his point though.

Here's a reminder list of what would be a good move now: ALL WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE. Best to delay his fight back response as long as possible.

Interview a couple of lawyers.

Copy all important documents and put in a safe place.

Hide any precious items, maybe at a friends house. Don't let him know what you believe is precious.

Move 1/2 of all joint money into a personal account at another bank. If he asks tell him it is just to protect you and your son because you don't know if you can trust him now.

Start to build up extra cash, gift cards etc.

Gather proof of his current income and past few years of income if he is self employed.

Let your son know you both love him and gently make it clear dad is cheating, that is not a marriage, so now you are reacting in your and son's best interest. And do your best to never talk with cheater in front of son again. It is too painful for him to see and hear. Also, no bad mouthing Dad in front of son either, it just hurts him to hear.

I am so sorry you are going through this. What a jerk. These people are something. And to walk out of the home multiple times while his son sees it all, what a clueless, heartless jackass. I know you are feeling worn down but stay tough. It is important to protect your rights. I know you love him but he doesn't properly love you back and I would bet my life savings that he has been disrespecting you in multiple ways through the years. This current situation doesn't pop up out of nowhere.

Take care.

Hurt1227 posted 5/21/2020 08:35 AM

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Allow yourself to go through the process. It will be difficult but you can get through it. Allow yourself to feel. Cry, scream and do whatever you feel is going to help you release some pressure.

You deserve so much more. Once, youíre ready pull yourself up, stand tall and take your life back. Your WS doesnít deserve you or your son.

Iím praying that you find the strength that you need to get through this!

Notmine posted 5/21/2020 09:05 AM

Agree with Anna. Your kids will be adversely affected if he keeps leaving them any time you question his destructive behavior. He needs to stay away unless he can be man enough to have an adult discussion with you.

Zaksmummy posted 5/21/2020 16:15 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies. Today he has stooped even lower. We have a family German shepherd dog which my WS wanted so bad. Heís only 2 years old. My son and I love him but heís too much for me to handle. Heís a big dog. I asked my WS if he could take him to his new home as the neighbours were complaining he was barking too much at people walking in the fields at the back of our home. He told me no, the AP didnít want him so he proceeded to look to re home him. My son is once again distraught over this new bombshell. I feel itís fallen to me again to pick up my WS discarded responsibilities. I can keep him short term for my son but at some point I will need to find employment and I cannot have a dog at home all day on itís own. Iím just exhausted with it all. WS says Iím being difficult. I swear I think he has a brain tumour or something

The1stWife posted 5/21/2020 20:55 PM

Itís all about him!

Keep the dog if only for your childís sake. Have someone come and walk the dog during the day. There must be something you can do to keep the dog.

My dog was my best friend at 12. Seriously.

nekonamida posted 5/21/2020 21:23 PM

Zak, look into crate training your dog. I've read it helps a lot with separation anxiety when home alone. Between that and a dog walker during the week, it could be doable.

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