The first step is to stop confronting him about lies
This is INCREDIBLY difficult for me... I know ya'll have been there and I need to do it - just SOOOO want him to account for everything...
you are separated. You no longer need to have him validate the truths you discover
but its like this weird torture/satisfaction to force him into truth - I need to stop "needing" that in the process. ugh
If you fall off the 180, just get right back on it
this I will do Neko - it allows me a little wiggle room while I get to StillLivin's advice!!
Marz - does it surprise me? the lying? Yes, in a way - still just in awe of his ability to continue thinking that it is necessary or appropriate in the light of our separation. But yes, I am learning. They do lie. a LOT more than I can fathom. It is hard for me to swallow how comfortable he has gotten with it - it's a knee jerk for him now.
THIS JUST IN. after your reponses came in WH came by the house to pick up a few things. I had the locator on his phone and unfortunately in the weak moments this morning after the confrontation about the music event - I was lurking the Life360 - saw he had gone to Costco.
He doesn't have a membership.
I knew immediately he had gone with her to get something - probably a TV because we had just had a conversation about it the other day AND I got a notification in the email today that the Roku password had been reset. I offered him the older, bigger one and maybe I would get a smaller, newer one.
I took the bait and starting fishing around when he got here. He said he had just been putzing around the apartment getting things settled. I said "so you didn't go anywhere today like to get a TV?" he pushed back "what are you checking on me now?"
turns out sure enough She had called him this morning to check on him (had been a week supposedly since they talked). When he said he needed a TV she offered to meet him there and he could use her membership card. He says 'we're just friends now' and I'm like "oh,you told me I was your best friend, is she replacing that part too? and she's not a friend if you're "in love" with her even though she broke it off' PATHETIC.
He said he didn't tell me about it because he thought I would give him a hard time about him getting a new one and me keeping the old one.
Again there I was trying to convince him of why the withholding of information is lying and just f-ing tell the whole story. (I know, detachment! urg.. mad at myself.. I'll get there). Then while he's here in this awkward conversation we realize the back of the house is flooding (it's been raining nonstop for two days).
We spend two hours with the boys and the shop vac trying to keep the water from pitching into the house.
In the middle of the chaos while both boys are bucketing water I ask spectrum son to go get a broom. He froze for a couple minutes and had to think about where/what to do. WH decides to yell at him in that moment of hesitation that "J!!! COME ON get your ass in gear and help out like the rest of the family!". I tell him to chill and response was "you're the one that's always yelling around here!" Now spectrum son is shaking and in tears.
Reality check. This is what I hate about him the most.
180 going back in effect immediately.
Time to get a lawyer.
After he left I talked to both boys about understanding that this is a big part of why we have separated and that they need to continue a relationship with Dad but to be sure and assert themselves if they feel unsafe.
I think it was an affirmation for spectrum son too. Yes he misses his tuck-ins - but it's been peaceful at home and then this happened. He's putting it together.
I know I'm going to be happier. The boys WILL be okay.
[This message edited by betrayedafter20 at 8:40 PM, May 17th (Sunday)]