SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, yesterday was Mother's Day. First one post divorce. It fell on my weekend, but she had the option to spend however much time with them that she wanted. She took them for a lunch and they spent a few hours together. Everything seemed normal (although I found it odd that she only wanted a few hours rather than the entire day). I am trying really hard to not impose my thoughts, feelings, or expectations on her time with the kids.

Last night, while scrolling through facebook, I noticed that her new boyfriend had updated his relationship status to being in a relationship with her. Our divorce was finalized a little over 2 months ago, at which time she was in a "serious" relationship with her AP. Now, she has had time to cultivate an entirely new relationship with her new "boyfriend" during quarantine?

I honestly couldn't care less who she dates or what she does if we lived in a world where her decisions don't have a direct and lasting impact on my kids. But we don't live in that world. She (we) has (have) put the kids through so much as a result of her affair and the divorce and separation of our family. All I want to do is protect them, even if that is from her and her relationships.

I know that I don't get a say in her personal life. But to know that I don't get a say in what she exposes our kids to is really getting to me. Again, I am glad to be away from her and out of the marriage. I truly believe that it is best for everyone now that we have reached this point. Although I tried to cling to our family with everything I have, I now know that it wasn't healthy. But my kids are and will always be my #1 priority. I spent a long time believing that they were hers also. I really thought divorce was the hardest thing in the world. I wonder if co-parenting without the element of trust isn't even harder....

Unfortunately you can only control your end and your time.

Cut off all unnecessary contact (her social media is contact) and you’ll be much better off. It takes awhile to get there but you’ll find you really don’t need much more than scheduling texts or emails.

My exh has had no fewer than 10 girlfriends living with him in the span of 6 years.

He used to tell the kids they were his "maid" but my kids aren't stupid and know they are his girlfriend.

My role is to show them the right way to do things. I can't control what their dad does and unfortunately I picked him.

I've had 2 serious relationships in 6 years, neither one lived with us and the kiddos only met them after a few months of dating. I'm pretty up front with men I'm dating that I have no interest in cohabitating until my youngest leaves the next (she's in highschool this year).

My life, my rules. However, if people choose to do things differently then that is their business. I'm happy with my life :)

Man, I feel this.

Constant revolving door of boyfriends, including some live-in, for my exWW. Lots of new (and subsequently hurtful) situations for my kids.

To clarify: this new bf is a different guy than AP?

I actually made a post back in the day called "coparenting with a liar" raising similar questions and concerns.

I've found what works is:

1) Always be open to extra time with kids even on "off" days. exWW will likely be happy to give it up to focus on BF.

2) Keep a hawkeye on the situation, always, of course That *doesn't* mean asking kids questions and getting info from them, but it definitely does mean listening when they talk and always being supportive.

3) Be stable and have good boundaries in your own life/household.

4) Essentially just be in 180 mode: kind, friendly, sure, but businesslike and no more than necessary.

It gets easier.

Thanks Okokok - Yes. This new guy is a different guy than the AP.

And I appreciate your tips. I have been extremely cautious (maybe to a fault) about not asking my kids anything about their time with her. I don't ever want them to feel like they are double-agents or that I am mining them for information. But I do want them to know that they can talk to me and I think we are establishing that realization well. And I am always up for extra time. Hopefully I will get a lot of it. I am determined to provide structure (and fun) during their time with me. If I only have 50% of their time, I believe I can make an 80% impact on their lives.

We had what I feel was a good quick talk today while I was dropping off the kids. I let her know that I'm fine with her dating, glad really, but that I am always going to be somewhat protective over the men she allows to be in the kids lives. Hopefully she will keep them first and foremost in her life and her decisions (once she gets some of this out of her system). Thanks for the reply, and I appreciate the insight.

This post is a bit dated but thought I'd chime in.

Marz nailed it: you can only control your end of things. It's entirely possible your "good quick talk" about your protective instincts was received as controlling on her end. In a sense, it is.

This is one of those unbearable aspects of a separation which you just have to bear. You have no control over that place and who she introduces your kids to. Yes, I'd agree that's harder than the divorce itself.

Clearly your head is in the right place though. Okokok's pointers are spot-on. Be a good parent. Be aware of what your kids tell you and be there to listen. They'll navigate these things. You can't navigate it for them.

And beware of the martyrdom that can infect one's parenting at this point. Truly shift your mindset to that of a single parent. You don't need to compensate for or balance out or fix any of the chaos happening on the other end. You don't get a ribbon for weathering this storm. You simply need to be well for your children, listen to your children, and be available for your children, and they'll grow up to be healthy and capable of love.

People don't give their kids enough credit. They're a lot smarter than you think they are. They're also seeing how not to live a human life, as well as seeing one way to live it. Parents always think the worst, that the kids are going to see a particular example and say "Oh yeah!! That's the life for me!" when it could easily be the opposite.

I wouldn't count on them just automatically thinking that what goes on over there is ok. But I would say that it's (obviously) your job to explain to them that it's not, in the event that it actually isn't.

Wow - You all nailed everything that is going on. Following our "good, quick talk" where she acknowledged that she was moving quickly and would give me an opportunity to meet anyone she intends to have around the kids, she introduced him to them the next day. I have offered numerous times to meet him, and she acknowledges that I should, but has been completely stonewalling me with regard to any opportunity to do so.

My kids seem to like him (even though he isn't a great guy from what I know), and don't seem to be in any distress about the relationship. For that I am thankful. And I am feeling better about focusing on my 50% time with them. We are having a great summer and enjoying the time we have together.

She let me know last week that she is traveling with him substantially this summer. She is giving up some of her holidays with the kids and turning a good portion of her time over to me. It is all surreal, but I am taking every second I have with them and enjoying the opportunity to be in their lives as much as possible. I just think it is an innate fear for another guy/girl to replace you as a father/mother figure. I know that isn't the case and that they love me, but it is something that is much harder to deal with than the actual divorce.

Just wanted to provide an update, and thanks so much for the advice that you have all given.

My boys are grown but if I was going through a divorce where different men may enter their lives, I would want to sit them down and talk to them about what is appropriate behavior from these men and what is not. And to always tell both of their parents when it is not. There are too many stories of men in particular who date single women with children and abuse them. I don't want to scare anybody but I would arm my children with that information (inappropriate vs. appropriate) age appropriately.

FFF - I had a wonderful stepmom growing up. (Who I am pretty sure was my dad's AP but I digress) I loved her and she was good to me. We had fun together. But you know who she never ever EVER replaced? My mom. No matter who your xw brings around, not one of them will ever replace you in your children's affections.

That being said, I would make sure to let your kids know that they can talk to you anytime about anything and that you will always listen. Make sure that they have a way to call you if they ever feel unsafe. While I agree that who your xw dates or introduces the kids to is outside your control, if it negatively affects your kids or puts them in danger, it is damn well your business.

Hang in there!