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I did it

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Okokok posted 5/12/2020 07:48 AM

I don't need a PI anymore, hell I should get an honorary license to become one.

Well I think you're right. I certainly think you have enough to go on to proceed with separation/divorce, and *you* don't need info. Just don't cave to whatever manipulation he throws your way. You know!

KingofNothing posted 5/12/2020 09:29 AM

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can survive this. You are NOT pathetic. You have been hurt, systematically, by a spouse with a sadistic streak.

Contact the OBS. You know it's the right thing to do. Collaborate. Share information. Check timelines together. Most importantly, acquire an ally with the same motivations as you have.

You owe these two NO SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS and NO COURTESY. Lower the boom, ma'am. Lower it with a vengeance. You can't control them, that's true. You know what, though? They can't control you. Find your power.

Stilldenying posted 5/12/2020 18:15 PM

Neko, I didn't mean it to sound like I would not share info with OBS, I told him he may call with any questions and if he does I will answer them as honestly as I can, provide dates, show screenshots etc. I just am not going to let certain things leave my possession to be possibly shared without my knowledge, that comes with risks I am not willing to take. I'm in a hard 180, he's upstairs. I have to get my ass back over 100 lbs again so I made a nice meal and ate well before he would get home, not doing anything for his convenience that I always do. Speaking when necessary. I must say I could not get out of my mind that he may have told OBS that I'm crazy and make things up. I didn't want to be viewed that way, it was so important not to be viewed that way for some reason. I asked tonight and he said he never told OBS that. From what I gather from that brief conversation he essentially told him that his marriage is his business and the same for the OBS marriage. That's exactly along the lines of what I thought he would say if he wasn't going to call me crazy. Doing my best guys!!! At some point I will have to talk about logistics because I really just want some space for myself, I need space to think. Thanks for the support!! I'm getting there in becoming stronger 💪, for today at least...

Okokok posted 5/12/2020 18:26 PM

I'm getting there in becoming stronger 💪

This is the overwhelming theme of what I'm seeing in this thread.

Stay strong and keep posting.

nekonamida posted 5/12/2020 18:35 PM

I hope OBS does get the truth. Unfortunately, I think your WH really muddied the waters by telling OBS what he did. It sends a message of, "Stay out of my marriage and focus on your own." Doubtful OBS will talk to you after that.

Keep up the good work of separating yourself from him.

Stilldenying posted 5/13/2020 13:40 PM

Thinking back, when I wanted to know if he told OBS I was crazy and making things up. He said that he never told me I was crazy, he says he said the way you act sometimes is crazy. That's gaslighting right???

Okokok posted 5/13/2020 15:10 PM

Thinking back, when I wanted to know if he told OBS I was crazy and making things up. He said that he never told me I was crazy, he says he said the way you act sometimes is crazy. That's gaslighting right???

It's semantics, it's manipulative, it's lying/half-truthing, it's awful.

I hate this guy.

The1stWife posted 5/13/2020 15:16 PM

Heís not worth the aggravation of you trying to get to the truth.

Stop torturing yourself. Heís never going to give an honest answer.

IMO you are crazy and you act crazy sound like the same thing!

ShutterHappy posted 5/13/2020 17:04 PM

I said I want a separation, he says he'll need time to do that.

If you are going through the motion of separation and divorce, you donít need his approval for anything. Consult with a lawyer and go at whatever pace YOU desire.

Try to reframe your thinking. Heís just your soon to be ex cheating husband. In other words, nobody important. Maybe he said you were crazy to the OBS, maybe he didnít. Maybe he said he was Elvis reincarnated.... but who cares?

Heís a cheater and a STBXH. Heís not important. The opinion of a cheater spouse is worth exactly zero.

Imagine, 5 years from now, you have a first date in a restaurant with an awesome guy. An hour into the conversation he says: " yeah, I cheated on my wife with another married woman. But my wife was crazy.". You reaction would be?

The opinion of a cheater spouse is worth exactly zero.

Cooley2here posted 5/13/2020 21:40 PM

In my work i have met many grief stricken, traumatized people and they all acted crazy. When you are blindsided or gaslighted you donít have anything real to keep you steady. This was a cheap shot he made and so you need to consider the source. A cheater.

Stilldenying posted 6/7/2020 09:54 AM

Just left, I have guilt because the rollercoaster is something I can't control, have some PTSD now. I get repetitive because I never feel heard, just wanted to be validated, hugged, understood. I lash out, I don't see how I survive this. I want to see her be as ashamed as I am, to feel as lost and decimated. Not sure where he'll end up, just said I have to have a break, have to find some way to get better and I am so so hurt. It's temporary to give me space, maybe it's not....we hugged, said we love each other and he said it's gonna be okay, I asked for the space and he is going to give me that. I say hurtful things when I spiral and I don't know how to stop it. I'm rambling....who am I??? I just want the man he was back, our life back, our future. How do you survive always being afraid you can't ever be sure you just didn't hurt yourself even more???

Buster123 posted 6/7/2020 11:58 AM

Make sure OBS got your message, instead of sending him a text, call him. OTOH why are you still talking to this proven cheater and liar who refuses to stop contact with his AP ? Like another poster said, you have not had a real M for a long time now, it's been a sham, now that you have more strength to deal with this I suggest you EXPOSE them with ALL family and close friends and file for D without warning, just have him served, remember D takes a long time and can be stopped before it's final if he comes around (I doubt it) ends his A, offers full on demand access to his phone and all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, gets tested for STDs, agrees to sign a postnup in your favor in case he cheats again, commits to IC to find out his "whys" and apologizes to the entire family for his huge betrayal (among other things), if he refuses to do any of these, just let D run its course and get out of infidelity, life's too short.

heartbroken_kk posted 6/7/2020 13:57 PM


It's time to get over him. It's time to put a stop to your longing for him to be the man you thought he was. It's time to rename your feelings, because he doesn't love you. He DOES NOT LOVE YOU, the behavior he is doing proves it. His words mean nothing. He is manipulating you. Stop listening. You need to stop calling the feelings you have for him LOVE, and let him go. The feelings of somebody engulfed in post-traumatic infidelity disorder, like what you are experiencing are painful, for sure. Love isn't pain.

You have longing for the past
You have fear for the future
You have anger, rage maybe
You have intense sadness and loss, grief

But you are used to having other feelings, admiration, joy, appreciation, warmth, love.

If you are truly moving on (and I sincerely hope you are and you do), you have to detach, you have to separate the ache in your heart from the word "love" because that's not love, love don't feel that way.

When you start thinking about him, or AP, STOP yourself.

Learn about the 180, and most importantly learn about the 180 that you have to do inside your head. 180 means no contact. It means no conversation, no communication, and hardest of all, no thoughts about him. You will succeed when you start banishing those thoughts and feelings. NOPE don't think about that. NOPE, not gonna let him occupy my brain.

Get a book, get a hobby, get enrolled in a class. Do something to fill up your brain with thoughts that are NOT about him. That's how you move on. You let him go, and someday he becomes a nothing. And then you are free to be happy, and to love somebody else who is deserving, again.

Hurtmyheart posted 6/7/2020 17:04 PM

"....we hugged, said we love each other and he said it's gonna be okay."

Ewe, but I get it. Did the same thing.

Today, I almost see this as, he beat me up emotionally and even threatened me with his anger and manipulation. He bruised my heart, soul and mind to the point I now have to take meds to feel somewhat numb and normal. He left me for dead, with a broken heart. But we hugged, said we love each other and even told me that it's gonna be okay!!"

That sounds pretty sick and messed up. But I get it. I too was you...

Hurtmyheart posted 6/7/2020 18:16 PM

Stilldenying, my WH was the same as yours was in a way and I was like you! I was/am a stay at home wife and mom. Now just mom, my WH passed away March 15th.

My WH also did a lot of damage to my soul and mind. I also developed PTSD because his behavior was so hurtful. I'm also now am on meds for the PTSD.

I stuck it out with my H. He went out on me twice (so he says) with one women, had an emotional affair with another women for over a year. And he was constantly flirting with other women in front of me. I chose to NOT ignore it and still felt helpless as you do now. He also had a drinking problem for many years but quit for several years, which helped a little. Still had to deal with the mind games though.

He always told me that I was seeing things and what I saw wasn't true. I even called him out multiple times but it didn't stop. In his mind it seems, he felt entitled, like he deserved to act this way and too bad because it wasn't happening anyway.

I totally lost trust for him and most of the time had my walls up or was watching my back. But I luuuved him! Lol Still do. I loved the good sides of him. And to tell you the truth, it wasn't enough. I did not deserve what he put me through.

Today, he can take this up with God. Out of my hands now.

My H was very generous with his money and did a great job taking care of his family financially. But the fact still remains that he was emotionally abusive. And that's not love. Love does not constitute hurtful behavior.

Your H does not love you by his actions. And like you said, you can still stay but maybe get a new life and fill your time with things you enjoy. Begin practicing ignoring him more, don't be there so much for him anymore. Don't do his laundry, cook for him only on occasion. Begin to back off from him slowly just to see what it feels like.

I know that you love your husband, I loved mine too but maybe they really don't didn't love us? When I look back I feel like I was a good friend to my H (not so much the wife) but seems like my H liked the young ones, like 25ish years old. He was 52. Hmmmm, weird. In that case, he should have just dumped my ass and found himself a nice young women. Problem solved.

Try to quit allowing your H to hurt you.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 10:58 AM, June 8th (Monday)]

CallingSpades posted 6/7/2020 21:18 PM

How do you survive always being afraid you can't ever be sure you just didn't hurt yourself even more???

I want to to know, you are heard. I have this feeling every time I take an irrevocable action. What have I done??? There is no going back!

SI and my IC have helped me beyond belief. You know to trust your gut you know what you know but sometimes that isn't enough. Keep posting, get/stay in counseling. It feels strange and wrong to take a stand when you've spent so long backing down and doubting yourself, maybe even blaming yourself. But when tons of brilliant people are telling you you're not crazy.... You are not crazy.

Every step along the way will probably hurt like this. I wish I could tell you differently, like there was one thing you would do and after that these decisions would be easy. No more buyers remorse panic attacks! But it's been like that for me over and over. I analyze and stress about every word I've said. Even with these feelings going on, you ARE getting stronger Just knowing and preparing that you may feel like this helps. You will still do what you know in your heart you have to do.

Congratulations on contacting the OBS. I hope he wants to follow up with you. My OBS eventually did, and told me how much I had helped by contacting him. You have so much amazing strength to share!

Stand by your choices. You are taking back your life. No one has a right to question that.

CallingSpades posted 6/7/2020 21:22 PM

I also hugged WH and said everything would be OK.

He threw it in my face when I quit MC. "You said everything would be ok!!"

Ya, fella. Everything over here is going great. 💪

The1stWife posted 6/11/2020 03:46 AM

Maybe itís just me. Maybe I am a witch. Or just a badass. I donít know.

But I do know on dday2 I became stronger than I could imagine. I no longer gave my H any ability to have any power over me. He couldnít make a decision or offer advice or do anything because the hard 180 wouldnít allow it.

I didnít care what he thought. I didnít care what he did. I didnít care if he was upset. I didnít care if he cried. His opinion no longer mattered.

If I had changed my mind and chose to D him b/c R didnít work out - he would have had to just accept it.

Stilldenying posted 6/11/2020 19:53 PM

So he's been gone 5 days now. No clue where, didn't ask, have only spoke or text regarding an issue with our adult son (I use that term lightly.. whole other story). Have IC scheduled next week. I am in between severe PTSD despair followed by ooh fuck no, no more of this!!! My God I'm splitting in two. Gotta stay stand my ground though. Thanks SI!!! Thanks for knowing what I can't even articulate. I'll try to update more often, it's just real hard to sometimes to get the strength to actually log in. OBS is radio silent with me... thinking they told I'm unhinged, I probably shouldn't care but did send another text a few days ago saying he may reach out for any questions or what made me finally contact him. Very brief and polite. Anyhow, just waiting for my meds to kick in and pray for more than a couple hours of sleep 😴.

The1stWife posted 6/11/2020 22:25 PM

I hope you start at least sleeping better. That can help you so much right now.

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