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I received an anonymous letter

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tushnurse posted 4/22/2020 15:00 PM

Letís say for the sake of discussion that I am okay with him having had an affair, as long as itís over and we are together - is it okay to allow this terrible experience to bring us closer together as we both realize we really do love and not want to lose each other?

That is rugsweeping and it does not work. If he cheated, which I highly suspect he has, and he is also confident that he can convince you to rugsweep what is going to stop him from doing it again? Are you really ok w/ him messing around again and again, and possibly giving you some incurable STD or Hepatitis?

There are a few absolute things you can do to find out the real truth.
1. Get full STD testing now. Do this anyway, even if you believe him even if you don't and you choose to rugsweep. Make sure you are healthy. That means a pap and bloodwork.

2. Ask him to take a polygraph. Ask 4 very simple straight forward questions. Have you ever had sexual relations with anyone outside our M? Have you ever confessed love for another since we have been M? Did you lie to me about having an A? and one of your choice.

3. Hire a PI and catch him. But you need to also figure out what you want now, and where your line in the sand is, what is too much to recover from. When would say you have had enough? What would you need from him to move forward if it is true?

As far as the 180 - it is there to gain some distance and perspective from the person who is gaslighting you should be a cheating spouse, an abusive parent, or even a friend that uses you. It gives you distance, which allows you gain perspective, it keeps the manipulator from being able to love bomb and confuse you.

Cooley2here posted 4/22/2020 22:11 PM

I didnít receive a letter but a very good friend of mine tried to tell me something and even though i heard i rugswept. As a sahm i was too young and would have been too poor to provide for my children so it took me years to ask him. It blindsided him and he admitted it. I would never have suspected otherwise if my friend hadnít told. Cheaters are good at it. They can look you in the eyes and lie. Whoever this is Just might be the OW but they might be a trouble maker. Find out, otherwise it will drive you crazy. When I finally got my answer that question in the back of my Mind went away.

ShutterHappy posted 4/23/2020 03:21 AM

This is a difficult situation... As some other posters have said, you need more information.

Some men, when they cheat, they fall in love with the OW. If thatís the case, it should be easy to tell. Your husband would act cold towards you and criticize you for little things and this would be a change of behavior. Cheaters justify their behavior by convincing themselves that their spouse is terrible; itís like a Self-fulfilling prophecy.

Did your husband have a sudden change of attitude towards you recently? Does he carry his cellphone on him at all time, going to the bathroom with his cell in his hand? Cheaters in love canít wait for the next text from their AP and will go in a room with a closed door to answer their lover.

If you have a common computer, even if heís good with computers, I would check browser history.

Some men cheat for sex. They will manipulate OW (s) telling them how special they are, but itís only manipulation. They will act completely normal at home with their spouse. They may not have anything electronically traceable at home. Those men are very good at lying and a wife would know that particular "talent" of her husband.

Do you see your husband as very good at manipulating others?

Did your husband participated in odd office party, that lasted all night, and was for employees only? Or perhaps he suddenly wants to go visit an old friend or family member, over the weekend, by himself?

The other possibility is that the letter is not true. Thereís not much information in that letter, which makes it a bit suspicious.
It doesnít say "your husband is cheating on you with a coworker"

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:25 AM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

Marie2792 posted 4/23/2020 23:12 PM

I am willing to bet this came from the OW. If she knew your husbands correct spelling of his name and the names of your children, she isnít a friend of Ow who had been cheating on.

Get into the phone bill look for high activity. Was the letter postmarked from your town? If not, look for phone numbers from that region.

Whatever you find out in detective mode, do not show your hand. Gather what you can and then confront. Iím sorry that I agree with the others. Your husband is cheating. This OW is brazen to have things sent to your home or to be sending it.

RidingHealingRd posted 4/24/2020 01:59 AM

Believe that letter.

I was pretty certain that two people at my gym were engaged in an affair. They were owner and worker so I saw them daily. It was pretty obvious that something was happening EA/PA ~ I strongly suspected physical.

I felt terrible for their husband/wife. I actually formulated a letter to send to the female BS, but kept waiting for concrete evidence. My fear was being wrong...I'm 99% certain I was not wrong.

I ended up moving away and never sent the letter. However, I saw on FB that the male coworker no longer works at the gym, and he is no longer a FB friend with the suspected AP.

To this day I regret not sending the letter, which I too would have sent without a return address or signature. People don't just make stuff like this up, mail it to someone, just to be an asshole.

The fact that your husband's behavior is questionable adds to my belief that the letter is legit.

standinghere posted 4/24/2020 03:00 AM

Investigate quietly. If you can afford it, hire an investigator. You really donít know, and this forum is full of people whose spouses lied to them for years very successfully, like me...my wife lied very convincingly for 9 years.

throwaway99 posted 4/24/2020 05:10 AM

I ordered a VAR but I donít think Iím going to find anything this way. If itís true, I think heís communicating with her via computer - and I have no chance of finding traces that way. He offered up his computer and passwords right away, which means there will be nothing to find in any place I can think to look.

I am on such an emotional roller coaster. I love him so much. He is the father of my children.

If this person is real, if this letter is real... I donít see a scenario where this person isnít a work colleague or someone he knows through work. When the quarantine is over and he goes back to his office, I donít know what Iíll do. The not knowing will destroy me.

I visit my family a few states away regularly with my kids (without him, we stay much longer than he is able due to work). What will I do now? Iíll be wondering the whole time if there really is another woman, if she is here in my house.

My heart is breaking right now but I also feel like I love him more than ever. Every night this week we have cuddled and been intimate. Iíve read all the posts, and I realize this can be a psychological response from me to ďreclaim himĒ and a way for him to reassure me so an affair can continue. But itís made me realize how in love with him I still am and how badly I donít want to lose him.

throwaway99 posted 4/24/2020 05:27 AM

Iím in agony. What if I find nothing and he never admits to anything?

Iíll wonder forever. It will destroy me. Iím in so much pain.

1lifeoflies posted 4/24/2020 06:49 AM

If possible, when you go to visit your family, hire a private investigator.

jb3199 posted 4/24/2020 06:53 AM

To someone who has just been betrayed, and is new to an infidelity forum, may think that a polygraph sounds extreme. But, if you are to stay and read many of the stories, you will see how often they are used. There will always be arguments of their accuracy/inaccuracy, but the majority here find that they are much more beneficial than harmful.

Personally, I like the use of a polygraph in a situation like yours. It is a tool to help rebuild trust. It can be used for both of your benefits, and not 'pressure' one of the parties to resolve a problem. You can simply say "Husband, this letter has driven a wedge in my trust for you. I never had doubts about us before. You have always been open with me, yet I am having difficulty ignoring this letter. Please take a polygraph to help ME rid this doubt in my mind."

If your husband cares for your well being, and has nothing to hide, he is going to GLADLY do this for you. He will see your internal struggle, and want to help alleviate this. You see? You are not pinning him in a corner. You are not being accusatory. You are opening up to him that YOU are struggling, and he has the ability to help. BUT, and this is important, you have to believe that a passed polygraph will help put your mind to rest. If he was to pass, and your mindset is simply that he has found a way to cheat his way through, then don't do it. The polygraph is being used in this case as a method of trust rebuilding....not forcing him to admit to lies that you already know exist.

ShutterHappy posted 4/24/2020 07:05 AM

I visit my family a few states away regularly with my kids (without him, we stay much longer than he is able due to work). What will I do now?

You can hire a PI for when you are gone.

Lalagirl posted 4/24/2020 07:06 AM

^^^^THIS - Everything jb said!

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 7:07 AM, April 24th (Friday)]

Okokok posted 4/24/2020 07:21 AM

Iím in agony. What if I find nothing and he never admits to anything?

Iíll wonder forever. It will destroy me. Iím in so much pain.

I don't think this has to be the case. I agree with many other posters: you need to do some quiet detective work. And you need to do this by yourself without letting your husband know it's happening. That's the only way.

I along with everyone else am recognizing the absolute horror and absurdity of this situation you're in.

But here you are anyway.

The VAR is a good move. You know your husband better than anyone, but affairs--especially workplace-based affairs--tend to live in cars. A VAR in the car for a week (or whatever) could really be helpful.

I have no experience with private investigators, but they are pros. That is a good option as well.

Some tracking device of some sort in his car would also give you very clear information in a short amount of time.

I have no experience with polygraphs, but some people here swear by them. Many get the "parking lot confession" on the morning of the poly.

Finally, you could literally just watch him and listen to your gut, and when he has that "late meeting" or "long walk" or "trip to the store," you can verify this by driving yourself wherever he's supposed to be, or verifying another way, etc.

If you catch him lying, being funny about his phone, etc., you'll know something is definitely up

However, if you do all this investigating and turn up absolutely *nothing* after a few months...I think there's a chance you could find another way to move on.

But I don't see you moving on without first exhausting all options.

The1stWife posted 4/24/2020 07:44 AM

If heís good at covering his tracks you may not obtain any ďevidenceĒ.

For what itís worth (FWIW) my H has no social media. No FB no twitter or Instagram etc.

Yet he had an affair. He would email her. Then a secret email account. Then he would sit in our home and Skype so he thought I could not find out.

Stupid idiot went away on a week long trip. Left his iPad home. I borrowed it to go to a meeting at church. When we went to pick our next meeting date I opened the calendar and saw her birthday was on his calendar. I knew then this was no ďitís nothingĒ affair like he tried to pretend to me.

Pandora16 posted 4/24/2020 10:01 AM

If heís taking trips to the store, he could be calling her while in his car. Using the VAR in his vehicle could get you the info you need. Thatís one of the ways I got evidence on my cheating ex.

thatbpguy posted 4/24/2020 10:57 AM

It's hard to think this is some sort of sick joke. I would have to think he opted to stop his betrayal and the OW sent it. That makes total sense to me.

If he is computer savvy, he's using burner phones, other accounts....

I think your best bet is what people have been saying- a VAR and locater device for his car (hide it well) and a VAR for the house as he may call her when you're not around.

I suppose you could ask him to take a poly to help your confusion.

Stevesn posted 4/24/2020 13:07 PM

I agree with the advice you have been given. Let him know youíd like him to take a polygraph once stay in place orders are over. Donít ask. Tell him.

Then I would add this that I dont think has been suggested yet. Tell him something g to the effect of:

I want to believe you. The poly would help me put this out of my mind. However, I want to tell you something. If this is true, and you have been unfaithful with someone else, either emotionally or physically, even if itís hand holding or a kiss, that is something Iíd be willing to work through with you.

But LYiNG IS A DEAL BREAKER for me. If you stand by your word, and later on I discover that you have been lying to me, making me look and feel like a fool, then I will not ever forgive that. I will divorce you.

Iím glad to work on our relationship and any betrayal you have laid upon me with another person. But without honesty, we have nothing. And I wonít be a part of a dishonest relationship.

I will schedule the polygraph for the next possible time and if you truly are telling the truth, then we can work on what it will take to strengthen our relationship. But lie to me and I find out thru the poly or later thru the truth finding itís way out as it always does, then we are done. I will not reconsider. ď

Then let him think. Let him stew in it for a while.

You might want to read Josephís Letter found in the Healing Library in the upper left of this forum. If you think itís worth it, print it, cut off any website information that would lead him to find this site (keep it as your safe place for now) and hand it to him after you tell him something like I wrote above.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:21 AM, April 25th (Saturday)]

throwaway99 posted 4/24/2020 13:49 PM

I appreciate so much all of the responses. I feel so alone and it really helps to have people to talk to - especially knowing they understand.

Thereís a lot of talk about polygraphs. How does one get a polygraph? I didnít know they were available to laypeople.

Also, Iím having trouble finding Josephís letter as mentioned. The healing library brings me straight to abbreviations. Where should I be looking?

[This message edited by throwaway99 at 2:05 PM, April 24th (Friday)]

Stevesn posted 4/24/2020 14:23 PM

I think when you get to the Healing Library click on Articles and scroll down.

Let me know if you canít find it.

Anna123 posted 4/24/2020 14:31 PM

Just to chime in, I agree with the VAR/phone recorder, or tracker as a first try, maybe even when you go for a walk or to the store' as suggested if that can get quicker results than waiting for him to be in a car. Less stress for you hiding it at home than in the car as well but that may end up being where it needs to be.

Whether that works or not, perhaps a PI when you visit family but in the end it is your choice which ideas you try and which you put on hold. Somethings will feel more natural and fit you better. I knew from a tracker but still had the PI to seal the deal for myself since I didn't want to leave any unanswered what if's in my mind.

Yes I can relate over the top feelings of being bonded to him during the not knowing time. You know where you stand, you just have to find out where he truly stands.

I see from your post time you were up so early. Please know we have all had those sleepless nights and anxious mornings. You will work through this and everything will be okay. I am still sending prayers your way.

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