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Moving in together?

Drowninginitall posted 3/26/2020 15:39 PM

For those who have moved on to a new beginning relationship, at what point did you move in together? What major things were discussed before hand related to finances/contributing to home expenses? What concerns or fears did you have?

Iíve been in a great place since my 2016 divorce. Separation through divorce was just over a year and a half after a 14 year marriage. I dated a bit and had a few short almost-relationships that I learned a great deal from. I was out of those the minute I identified red flags.

In 2018 I met my person. Itís been almost 2 years that we have been together. While Iím not sure of marriage in general for myself, if I could have picked the perfect partner for myself, it would be him. We share the same values, integrity, communication, respect and honor that would make a relationship work. Had I met him in 1995, I never would have chosen to date him. That tells me how much I have come to realize what I desire and deserve in a partner. We are very much in love. We have amazing fun and intimacy as well as fun when we are together with our kids. He is a great role model for my kids and a great hands on dad to his kid. They have a great relationship. Heís just a smart, handsome, hard working, respectable and handsome guy. His divorce was finalized over 10 years ago. Since his child is no longer a minor, he doesnít have much interaction with his ex. I love what we have so much that Iím afraid even writing about it here will jinx me!! 🤣

So back to my questions above...he is renting a condo close by. He used to live about 45 minutes from here and relocated for work and to move closer to me and his childís university. His lease is up in August and I am strongly considering him moving into our home. Aside from the concern of what if this doesnít last, what should I be thinking about and talking about with him? He would be on board with moving in. We have talked about it in the past 6 months. He has lived with one SO in the past and that only lasted a year before they broke things off. I should add that my kids are elementary aged and middle school age. They love him and cheer when they find out he is coming over. He loves attending sports and neighborhood things with us. Iíve met his friends and family, and I love that they see the same things in him that I do. Weíve spent a ton of time as a ďfamilyĒ since they met him almost a year ago.

This whole moving in together thing is new to me. I went from living at home to married at 24 1/2. Clearly too young and too inexperienced to be marrying and moving in with a narcissist with a ton of issues. Careers and finances were commingled immediately. Clearly at 44 I need help with taking the right steps and making the right choices to take the next step with my guy. Help?!?!

TrustedHer posted 3/28/2020 22:18 PM

Well, it doesn't sound like you're considering marriage, just cohabiting. Which is what My Lady and I are doing.

We were in an LDR (long-distance relationship) for 4 years before I got a job in her city. Early on, we decided one of us would have to move, and it ended up being me.

We had the big items discussed in advance. I was moving into her house. It is not my house. It is her primary asset owned free-and-clear, and she wants to preserve it. I calculated what I thought was a fair amount to pay each month for household expenses such as groceries, utilities, cable, internet, etc. and she concurred.

Once we got over the hurdles of moving in and her 2 boys adjusting to my presence, and sharing a bathroom and a morning schedule, I came to realize that I probably guessed low on that amount. So I now also buy all the weekly groceries and fill up her gas tank often.

So I think you need to figure out what he needs to contribute, and be open to changing that idea later on when actual experience differs from your plan.

There are also considerations about cooking, cleaning, errands, chores, and... parenting. My kids were grown and mostly independent, and My Lady's kids were college age. Their father lives not-too-far away, and while I serve a function as another adult in the house, I am not their father and don't pretend to be. What's his relationship with your kids going to be after he moves in?

Another consideration is unintentionally committing common-law marriage. You need to check out the laws in your state. When I had my will made out, I asked my attorney about that, and he explained the guidelines in Texas.

As I recall, (and this is not legal advice), in Texas you need some number of the following:
1. Presenting in public as married.
2. Commingling money and bank accounts.
3. Owning real estate together.

deena04 posted 3/31/2020 19:20 PM

Maybe sit down and write it out in terms of how you envision that moving forward. How will chores be shared? How will parenting be shared? Look at the pros and cons. Who will pay what bills? Basically, it might help you have some clarity and a good game plan to start with. Hopefully it all goes very smoothly. Good luck!

Tigersrule77 posted 4/2/2020 14:26 PM

You should both have a specific discussion about your concerns and his concerns. Money is always a big one. I would suggest you ask him how he feels about it. For me, I'm all for being direct. As in, "I'm very excited about us living together. As part of that, I wanted to know your thoughts on sharing the bills, cable, internet, power, etc. I was thinking that $XXX/month would be fair. What do you think?"

The1stWife posted 4/4/2020 14:58 PM

With young children at home I would be extremely cautious.

Cheatee posted 4/17/2020 15:26 PM

Split in early 2015, had to wait a year to divorce.

Started dating 7 months after split.

Itís now 4+ years of exclusivity. She moved in just when the quarantines hit. What a way to start a relationship!

Just cohabitating for now, but unless something details us, we could be looking at the next level. Our kids are grown and out of the house. No pets, other than a stray chicken who adopted us.

Our finances are pretty similar, although diverse in different ways. Sheíll be renting her house out (she has two other rentals) and Iíll be paying most of the expenses at mine. If we go to ďthe next level,Ē it wonít really matter since our finances will be fully intertwined.

[This message edited by Cheatee at 3:29 PM, April 17th (Friday)]

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