SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 6 months since I found out. So not sure if this is eligible for just found out. Posted before in general but was told if probably get more responses in here.

We dated off and on for about 13 years. Married for almost 7. Have two children. 5 years ago we moved cross country for my wife's career. I am a stay at home dad. A few years into my wife's job she got an offer to do training. She would have to work an unconventional schedule - working some weekend and nights. I supported her and took up more of the load around the house.

For awhile I was okay with this. But when she got home she would just play on her phone. I repeatedly asked her for help. I would get angry and short with her. Looking back I was probably depressed as the kids and the house was all I did. I felt isolated and lonely. She coslept with our first child which forced me to sleep on the couch. When we had our second my only request was to not do it again. She agreed but once he was born it started all over again. Ended up sleeping on the couch again. Lashing out wasn't the best move. Eventually I stopped asking. Figured my job as a stay at home dad was to make everything as smooth as possible for everyone. Looking back there's obviously some codependent issues that go back to my foo.

Anyway after the training she decided to switch jobs. Again I was all for it. Her new job was a 9-5 Monday thru Friday gig and I hoped it would get us back to normal. Unfortunately she was now doing the work of two people and failing like she'd never had before at a job. She became even more distant. Thinking it was stress I picked up even more slack around the house where I was now doing pretty much everything. Even the kids could tell something was wrong as they pretty much left her alone while she was home.

After a year of this I came across some posts on Reddit about infidelity. She checked every box of a cheater - working out, makeup, new clothes, etc. I point blank asked her if there was anything going on. She denied it.

I got upset but figured there's no way she would do that to me or especially the kids. Both of our dads stepped out on our moms. So I figured there's no way she would knowing the trauma it creates.

After a few months I began to get more and more suspicious. One night after she went out with work friends I asked her if she had fun. She gave me such a guilty look that I started to dig. After she went to bed I checked her Google history and although there was nothing concrete it looked super shady. My plan was to wait until I had the evidence I needed to confront her. But when she woke up I couldn't hold it in and asked her. She confessed. I told her to get out. She played the suicide card, minimized, blame shifted, the usual cheater guidebook.

The next morning I asked her to come home so the kids could see her. I recorded her confession as by now I had read up on trickle truth and gaslighting and wanted to be able to remember what was said. She told me it was only one person for a year mostly texting and only 3 times. I obviously had a hard time believing this so I continued to dig. She held on to this story and would only change it after I had evidence to contradict it. Now it's up to 18 months and 4 times. I still investigate but there's no more evidence. my gut tells me there's still more. I researched the confession for the first time since I recorded it as it was too painful to watch. I'm no CIA operative but fairly positive she was lying about how many people and how many times as she did multiple tells.

My question is what do you think I should do? Polygraph her? Divorce? We've met with a mediator. I've told her I don't want to reconcile on lies. I've asked her what she wants but she says it doesn't matter what she wants.

[This message edited by brokendad19 at 4:44 PM, February 29th (Saturday)]

Sorry you found yourself here. Others will be along soon but -

Take care of yourself

Get IC, individual counseling, if you don't like the first one try another

Get STD testing

See an attorney, protect yourself and your children

Get "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", read it, that is what she will need to do IF you decide you want to try for reconciliation

I am sorry, she is a serial cheater and liar, she may never be marriage material.

brokendad - I'm so sorry you are faced with infidelity. Please know that weekends here are very slow. Many folks post on weekdays.

First of all, it is imperative that you read a few books and look into the Healing Library on the upper left portion of this site. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass will help you put this in the right perspective. Your WS should read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" which can be found online in PDF format.

The best thing you can do is look out for you. I know it is hard to think about yourself rather than you M, or your children, but it is the one thing that will get you what you want for you and your children. It is imperative you put up boundaries. You might for example tell her that you need a timeline of activities over the course of the affair. You might for example require that unless she does this you won't be available for R.

It takes two folks to recover and keep the M and she has to do her part - TTing isn't doing her part. If that's the case then R isn't possible.

I was flabbergasted that I had to get a post nup to be able to survive this mess. But you know what? It really showed my WS that I was serious about protecting myself from him. I was serious about setting myself up for security without him. I was serious about changing the paradigm and looking out for myself. And that led to being serious about not enabling his behavior any longer.

My point here is for you to dig in and figure out what you need to feel safe and in control again. Do those things. Identify the conditions around which R is possible and itemize them for your WS.

FWIW, climbing out of this trauma is difficult for both BS and WS. There is an arc to this recovery and each party has to take that journey alone before the parties can come back together to think about a new M (if even possible).

Do you have a therapist? If not you should get them. Have you been tested for an STD? If not you and your WS should.

I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I’m also about 6 months out so there are plenty of great people here to help you. I can say from my experience separation(S) or divorce(D) is YOUR option at the moment, because she is not ready Reconciliation (R).

I offered R immediately and got burned didn’t get the whole truth my gut knew it. It was 2 months later that I found SI and implemented the 180, I told her we are in S and leaning toward D. She confessed to everything wrote a timeline, got into counseling, and gave me full access and transparency. My gut is at ease that I have all the details I need. It took putting my foot down and moving on without her. I’m currently working toward R but she is doing all the heavy lifting,

I wish you the best, look out for you and your kids first.

Thanks, trust and Isurvived.

There's more but it's hard to type it all out in one sitting.

I am in IC as is my wife. We tried MC but couldn't find a good one.

I have read those books and many others.

She wrote a timeline but it was a lie. Asked her to write another but it was practically word for word the last one.

Aside from the trickle truth she's done everything else. But in my mind the lying negates everything else.

You can't reconcile with a liar. If she really wanted to reconcile then she would be honest and everyone here knows she is lying. Don't waste half your life trying to make it work and getting trickle truth. Give her a fixed time to reveal the truth and her true intentions. If she fails to meet the deadline then file for divorce and tell everyone the reason why. You have to prepare yourself mentally for divorce.

Did you get any details of her affair partner(s)?

[This message edited by Smillie at 1:20 PM, February 29th (Saturday)]

But in my mind the lying negates everything else.

Always trust your gut it will know when she comes clean.

Your best odds of finding out the truth based on what you have posted is to stop the nonsense and digging and go right to POLYGRAPH. it will be apparent immediately why

(1) if she is telling the truth she should welcome the opportunity to prove it

(2) if she is lying she will give you a deer in the headlights look, refuse, and a whole bunch of horse shit why.

And your first three questions ( you are allowed usually four or five) are

(1) have you had sex with anyone other than who you have disclosed . The examiner will tell you how to word this

(2) are you using any electronics or apps that I do not know about and have the passwords for

(3) are you communicating in any way with any other men Ido not know about.

Then you match that up to the timeline

your alternative is to keep taking your guts out and playing CIA agent for who knows how long.

Do not threaten her with divorce if you do not mean it and if she agrees with the test make sure you do it and do not cancel for any reason.

Hope this helps

Smilie, she gave me his Instagram handle. Through some detective work I was able to find his ex gf. She gave me more detail about him than my wife did. Using Instagram I pretended I was my spouse and got him to give me extra information. That's how I found out it was more than my wife told me.

I have been tested for STDs and made another appointment to get retested.

I had been doing okay but this last week has put me back to the start. Reality seems to be on shaky ground. I keep thinking the woman I married is still in there somewhere.

You did well to contact him and his ex to get info. I would contact an attorney and get ready to file. If she fails to satisfy your requirements then you can have her served. An decisive approach has the best outcome. Write out your game plan and stick to it.

Hi brokendad. You're in a tough spot, sorry to hear it.

I guess she wants to stay with you because you're a SAHD looking after things. Question is why would you want to stay with her? Is your long history together and her being the income provider enough for you, you've got to decide.

You've moved for her, feel isolated. Now you're acting as parole officer and private detective in your relationship.

I think you should get more selfish and start looking after you way more than you are now. Daunting I'm sure but why not get a job, any job so that you get out of the house, talk to some other adults, earn some income and maybe not feel quite as dependent. Don't know if you do this now, but get exercising you'll feel better about yourself and burn off some stress.

The way you're living now sounds like to way to live, make some changes mate.

Brother Brokendad,

Sorry you are here with what you are going through.

All responses are very applicable to your situation. Please take note, some more than others.

Legal advice is a must, both R and X rated time lines are also needed but once read it can not be unread. This is after the polygraph, no polygraph A is still ongoing and you have your answer.

Is she remorseful for your and children’s hurt?

Or is she remorseful due to being caught and lies not being accepted?

Keep up with your IC, exercise, be there for the children 👶.

Start 180 now and keep it up to and after the polygraph.

D, S is up to you R is a joint decision but only after you have all of the information.

Has she stated why rather than talk to you about the issues in the marriage, she slept with others?

As well as how she justified her deliberate betrayal to her children and you? It wasn’t a mistake it a conscious decision on her part to betray those who loved her.

Last question; what did she think would happen when DD occurred? Rug sweep or D?

Cyber hugs

Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 3:30 PM, February 29th (Saturday)]

even if the PA happened 30 years ago, and the BS

finds out now it is still JFO appropriate.

as well if you just found out a year ago and it

took you time to find us.

JFO is to assist the BS to get through Discovery

day, D day.

Time to have your WW take a polygraph test.

Hi BrokenDad,

I feel that same way as everyone, I am sorry you are here and I am glad you found us.

The only question that matters is what do you want to do. There are two camps here, fix it or get out. I am in the latter but my experience isn't your experience.

Fistly, you are in shock, you shouldn't make any life decisions while in this state.

Secondly, you most likely have PTSD, you shouldn't make any life decisions while in this state.

Thirdly, It is totally up to you what you do.

We can advise you but all of our advice is relative to our situation.

You might decide to fix it, she might not want to.

You might decide to end it and she might want to fix it

You might decide ... you get the point.

If you think you can move past the lying and the cheating then figure out a plan to do it. You need therapy, you need support.

You are in the driver's seat, it's your life and you can decide which direction it can go.

Everyone here will tell you what they think you should and most of agree on many things.

Get Tested

Talk to a lawyer

Read the. healing library

Journal

Talk to your friends

We start to diverge at this point, but really all of us only care that you take care of yourself.

It sucks you have to go through this. You will cry and be angry and rage at the world.

Its all normal.

It's your choice on what you do but don't think you have to do it right now, you need to process all of this and figure out your shit.

Your world has been shattered and you have to start to rebuild it.

It takes time.

I will end it with this, cheaters lie, so whatever she tells you, multiple by 100 and that might be close to the truth but you won't ever truly know.

You can make her take a polygraph but those are only yes and no questions.

The only questions you need to answer are what do you want to do, and can you get past her cheating on you?

Dealing with gaslighting

-Don’t Let Them Set The Agenda

-Stay Calm No Matter What

-Find The Time to Ask

-Don’t Let Them Talk Over You

-Present Facts Repeatedly

-Ask Them For Proof

-Don’t Let Them Play The Martyr

-Call Out Lies

IMO you take the time to determine whether this is the life you want. You do have a choice. You aren’t shackled to her.

The only one who can keep you in this is you.

I've asked her what she wants but she says it doesn't matter what she wants.

Because she is the victim in all of this, can't you see?

She obviously did what she wanted when she was nailing the AP. It surely wasn't what YOU wanted.

Your WW is a selfish person, and likely, due to you being the SAHD, has lost respect for you. It seems that you bought into the "happy wife, happy life" BS. I did too. I felt it was my responsibility to make things easier for my XWW. Sadly, you were taken for granted, instead of appreciated for your efforts.

You deserve better. Hopefully through your IC, you will see that it is OK to stand up for what YOU want.

BD19,

I keep thinking the woman I married is still in there somewhere.

How do you know the idea you had of her on the alter is ever the idea of the person she wanted to be or was? She has shown you who she is now....

Thanks for all the support everybody. It helps to know I'm not alone.

Was there ever a time your gut was wrong? There's all these suspicious things and everytime she has an answer. It's making me question what's real and doubting myself.

Brokendad19

Time for talking is over. Consult your solicitor/lawyer and have her served with papers at her work. The point being to up the humiliation factor and for her to realise actions of this type have very real consequences.. Make sure her family and yours are aware of what has happened.

I would also ask her to leave the house and do not speak or contact her. She has demonstrated a total lack of respect for you and the family.

Further, if you are living in another city away from home, I would make plans to move back to where you can received support from your family. This added consequence will hite hard.

^^^What He says^^^

Buffer