SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So his stories aren’t matching the facts. Believe your gut. What is that “little voice” inside of you saying?

My gut tells me there’s more to all of this but I don’t think they had sex.

I also think he needs to part ways with his sponsor that knows this woman and knows all the details but isn’t encouraging my husband to be transparent. Apparently my H’s therapist isn’t either....

I agree he needs a new sponsor. And should probably find another home group. All this EA drama is problematic for keeping a good sober program. If he’s serious about his sobriety and his relationship with you, he will go to any lengths to protect them.

Sober alcoholic here.....

1. New home group

2. Sponsor who is literature focused

3. He may not be telling you what his sponsor is really saying,

4. All electronics open to your perusal any time

5. GPS tracker on car and activated on phone

6. Hidden recorder in car so you can hear his conversations on the phone when you are not around

7. Poly - you deserve to know the truth

8. IC for him

9. See a lawyer to learn your rights...let him know you are doing this. It will show him that you are not playing games with him.

It is a huge red flag that he was in her town and gave you some bullshit excuse about his tire. Did he tell you why he was in the area? There should be documentation of this address in his Google history. There should be a patch on the tire and a receipt from the gas station because patching a tire is not free.

He said he was with her. “ Talked about needing to stop communicating because it was not healthy. For anyone.”

He said he can show me the patch in the tire. I can ask for the receipt of the charge.

Also a sober alcoholic here and I agree with everything Notmine wrote. And if you find out new info via the GPS, VAR, etc., try not to confront him with it until you’ve spoken to a lawyer. The less he knows about what you’re finding out, the more likely you are to be able to gather more info. Cheaters tend to go underground or just dig in to more lies if you confront them too soon.

Also, what does it matter if he did or didn’t get a flat if either way he was with her? If I’m reading that correctly? He shouldn’t have been alone in a car with her at all! (Sorry if I’m misreading).

I woke up at 2:20AM January 16. I called him and then texted him. He said he got a nail in his tire and stopped to put air in it.

CAll logs show he was in her town and he’s now saying he was talking to her about how they needed to stop their relationship. He maintains he got a nail in his tire.

But he’s now saying she had just gotten out of the car when I called.

All I have is her email and phone number neither of which are revealing any public Facebook or instagram accounts.

I know he’s continuing to lie but I have no idea how to prove it.

What a total shock he was actually with her during the "nail in the tire" story!!!

I learned of it and demanded he cut off communication with her. And attend men’s meetings which he has done.

He has not even gone NC with her. Not practicing the AA principle of rigorous honesty. Not practicing the AA principles IN ALL HIS AFFAIRS (unfortunate wording but strong message). He may well relapse with this kind of mentality.

Ditto on what I said earlier....except time for a hard 180. You can read about it in the Healing Library.

This is new information from the past. He wasn’t asked to make not contact until February 1, really. This incident was January.

Sorry - was confused.

He didn’t send this. And I know it’s too common to fall for someone when you’re newly sober. But I also found out the day after he said he texted her a cut off of communication he called and texted her to connect and she didn’t respond

This seems to indicate that he has not been NC with her. Are you certain that he is NC at this point?

I still stand by my recommendations. You deserve to know what is going on in your life.

He said he was in ego was trying to control and called and texted her again. She didn’t respond and he says he hasn’t contacted her since.

I sent him the how to help your spouse thing from WS.

He seems distant. Squirrelly. But I also don’t know if it’s because I’m traveling and in another country and time zone and we haven’t really been able to connect.

But yesterday he said he would text me to see if I was still awake so we could speak.

He didn’t, I’m sure he fell asleep letting our son sleep in our bed. But also, he said he would do something.

I’m just so frustratingly vulnerable right now. And he’s just so worn down with his own lies and having to change everything about his AA program because he cheated.

How much fighting for me can I really expect?

I sent him the how to help your spouse thing from WS.

He seems distant. Squirrelly. But I also don’t know if it’s because I’m traveling and in another country and time zone and we haven’t really been able to connect.

But yesterday he said he would text me to see if I was still awake so we could speak.

He didn’t, I’m sure he fell asleep letting our son sleep in our bed. But also, he said he would do something.

I’m just so frustratingly vulnerable right now. And he’s just so worn down with his own lies and having to change everything about his AA program because he cheated.

How much fighting for me can I really expect?

I sent him the how to help your spouse thing from WS.

He seems distant. Squirrelly. But I also don’t know if it’s because I’m traveling and in another country and time zone and we haven’t really been able to connect.

But yesterday he said he would text me to see if I was still awake so we could speak.

He didn’t, I’m sure he fell asleep letting our son sleep in our bed. But also, he said he would do something.

I’m just so frustratingly vulnerable right now. And he’s just so worn down with his own lies and having to change everything about his AA program because he cheated.

How much fighting for me can I really expect?

I have him the ways to help your spouse after an affair PDF.

He admitted that on that final night before he promised NC they held hands in his car and both acknowledged what they were doing was wrong and jeopardizing their sobriety.

And he said they both cried. About getting close to each other. And creating a situation that put so much at risk. I believe it was the reality of the whole situation. “That everything had to change or our lives, our sobriety was at risk.“

In response to:

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

He texted me:

I’ve read that question many times now. I am unable to say, “I can’t”. I want to say that I can provide you with all that you need to heal. At times, I worry I can’t. I am remorseful and ashamed that I allowed this to happen. I don’t want to cause more harm. I can accept that I am, once again, the source of deep pain for you due to my actions. I can accept that in order for you to find closure, I have to change. Which means people, places and things. And that it is entirely up to me to reassure you that this will never happen again. I can say to you that it won’t. The affair has ended.

We’re speaking on FaceTime in an hour WHAT SHOULD I DO AND SAY?

Please help me. I want to RC.

On the phone with him. He’s saying he thinks about her every day. He says he’s not sure if he’s in love with her or infatuated with her.

I asked him if he thought he should move out and he said he didn’t know. He doesn’t want to but he’s not sure about our future because he’s messed up so much.

Can someone please help me?!

I can say to you that it won’t.

He is saying a lot of the right things, this and other stuff I read in your post. This is a good first step. Now, I am not a psychologist or counselor, but it sounds to me he is reaching out for help. He realizes he must make changes and has even listed some. Plus, he has taken ownership of his choices. You have the option of helping him, if you want to. Help him get the aid he needs and sounds like he wants.

I wanted to also say the he recognizes he is weak in this area. “Admission is the first step to recovery.”

If he does move in with his relatives/friend for a few weeks, it would give you head space to think about what you want and what to do next. This might be a good thing, and it will give him the space to do the same. Meanwhile, you can both look into counseling for him and some support groups. He has to work on himself while you work on you. You can’t help him and you – I’ve tried that.

I’m sorry, but I’ll respectfully disagree with the contention that he is saying a lot of the right things. I contend that he is manipulating you. And he’s using what he has heard in AA to do it.

“He was in ego.” This is a phrase commonly heard in a meeting. In fact, I gave a brief synopsis of your story to a friend in AA. Then I read what he said. They responded: “He’s using his program against her.”

I agree with that. Another example: his reference to “people, places, and things.” That particular phrase is another example of one commonly heard in meetings. Though the context that he used it represented a fundamental misunderstanding of its application. Or a purposeful manipulation. I suspect it’s the latter.

Furthermore I just don’t buy the sitting in the car holding hands and crying scene. Adults fool around, children bellyache about their fate as star crossed lovers. So he’s either a liar or he and this woman are emotional children. Either way neither of them is sober.

I’m sorry if this seemed harsh. I generally think that the 180 is tossed out too freely as a potential solution, but in this case it seems warranted. You have agency. You asked him if he thought he should move out. Don’t let him call the shots. What do you think? What do you want?

[This message edited by doin just fine at 10:22 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)]