SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to reconcile with him. I love him.

The call ended with him saying he wants me, doesn’t want to move out...and then we had FaceTime sex which we’ve never done before.

This feels so all over the place. The piece I can’t seem to manage is him saying he still thinks about her every day.

Can we succeed in RC if he’s still thinking about her every day?

Attended AA meetings regularly from 1980 to 1993. WW and I met in an AA meeting in 1982. One of WW's AP's attended Narcotics Anonymous meetings with her. So I write this based on my own personal experience.

The addictive personality will always find something or someone else to become addicted to. In my years in those meetings I noticed that instead of drinking alcohol, many switched their addictions to smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, and sex. There were people who openly admitted only going to meetings to get laid.

Your husband is only 8 months clean and sober. If he has a sponsor then he should have been told to stay away from the opposite sex until he's had one year sober and if married to avoid all emotional entanglements. He also should be doing the 12-steps which as some have already mentioned includes rigorous honesty. If he doesn't have a sponsor, he should get one. If he does have a sponsor who is not holding him accountable, then he should fire him and get a new one.

At first when I quit drinking and drugging it was all about staying sober one day at a time. But eventually it became about a life-style change from being a lying scumbag to a man of honesty and faithfulness. That should be the goal of your husband.

Can you be in reconciliation if your husband is still pining away for another woman? No, you would be in limbo. He needs to get his priorities in order. You and his sobriety should be his #1 focus. If he does not do that, chances are he will lose you and drink again.

He says he knows it’s not about her that it could’ve been with anyone but he’s still thinking about her. Maybe it’s as simple as he needs to grieve the EA?

That doesn’t mean we can’t reconcile?

Has he changed his AA home group and sponsor?

He has changed his home group. Well, he stopped going to the home group she was in weeks ago when he went NC. He’s been trying to find meetings that work with life, kids, etc. and seems to have found one men’s meeting that works for at least two to three times per week. He intends to speak today and say he’s looking for a new sponsor.

His sponsor is OOT and he plans to tell him he’s moving onto a new one when he returns.

He’s saying he thinks his feelings for her will subside. That he doesn’t want to lie about how he’s feeling which is why he shared an honest answer when I asked the question does he still think of her everyday. He said yes. But that he wants me, loves me, and wants to make our marriage work.

That doesn’t mean we can’t reconcile?

That depends on whether or not you can handle the emotional roller coaster you're both on and whether this is a one-time thing or develops into a pattern.

He has changed his home group. Well, he stopped going to the home group she was in weeks ago when he went NC. He’s been trying to find meetings that work with life, kids, etc. and seems to have found one men’s meeting that works for at least two to three times per week. He intends to speak today and say he’s looking for a new sponsor.

His sponsor is OOT and he plans to tell him he’s moving onto a new one when he returns.

This is a good start. Have him read all he can on proper boundaries for a married man.

Hope this works out for the best for both of you.

If he does have a sponsor who is not holding him accountable, then he should fire him and get a new one.

At first when I quit drinking and drugging it was all about staying sober one day at a time. But eventually it became about a life-style change from being a lying scumbag to a man of honesty and faithfulness. That should be the goal of your husband.

AMEN!!

I have been sober for 22 years: AA. Your husband has been sober for 8 months, so he is still a newcomer. An old-timer would tell him that he needs to go to meetings, shut up and listen. He does not have enough clean time to be giving anyone else advice on sobriety, to be honest. Sounds like this other woman is a newbie too. If she has any time and is hanging with a newcomer, there are serious questions about her program. Your WH is having issues with honesty as well as humility and acceptance, all vital to longterm sobriety. He is still figuring out how to stay sober and getting involved with the opposite sex is NOT what he is supposed to be doing in early recovery. Therefore, he is talking the talk, NOT walking the walk. Did he have a physical affair? He keeps referring to it as an affair, which is suspicious...almost like he is telling you but not really telling you. Ask him to take a poly and tell him that you do not have to accept his whining an pining for someone else. He needs to put his big boy pants on, stop talking like he knows what sobriety is (since he is not following the suggested guidelines anyway), work the steps, call his sponsor every day, read literature, pray, be rigorously honest, get phone numbers of MEN in the program that he can call and grow up.

I think he’s using the word affair because I am.