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Trdd posted 1/22/2020 08:12 AM

You are taking good, solid steps in the midst of a shitstorm.

Your last update, imo, offers you options. D is always an option but it now sounds like R is too, if you want it. She seems to be approaching the right mental state to be a candidate for R.

Her answers or lack therof actually sound very true to me. That does not excuse them, make them less painful or make her not accountable. But they sound true. Her story sounds a bit like Mrs Walloped here on the forum. The fact that she says she doesn't know why she did it is actually very common. That is why individual counseling for the Wayward is important. The counseling process helps them figure out why they were susceptible to this and why they chose to do the things they did. The dynamics at play often run very deep and people are not self-aware. When you read descriptions from the waywards here on the Forum you often find that they arrived at this horrible place and just don't know how it all started. Or why they would ever choose to do the things they did.

I am not sure if it helps at all but it is the case that the majority of waywards we hear from in this forum never intended to hurt their betrayed spouse. Their horrible actions are in response to deep-seated issues and needs that they aren't constructively acting upon. Your wife could probably figure out what is broken inside of her with appropriate counseling. Unlike many cheaters, she has quickly come to the mental state that will allow her to honestly explore why she did what she did. Quite a few people never get to that place at all. So if you still love her and if you think R could still be on the table for you then this is actually good news. I think it is good news one way or the other, even if you divorce. Because she made a horrible set of decisions and she needs to learn from those even if you divorce her.

Robert22205https posted 1/22/2020 19:59 PM

Do not grant R without first stepping back and observing her actions over a long time. Take all the time you need to decide on D or R. Start with 90 days and extent as necessary.

Whether you ultimately R or D, the most effective strategy for getting yourself out of this mess involves the same steps. For example, implement the 180. Insist on a timeline subject to a polygraph. See your attorney. Focus on yourself and your needs.

Check out the experience and lessons learned of others under: Reconciliation.

With no kids in the picture, your decision is entirely what's best for you going forward (i.e., which option is less painful: R or D?)

Buffer posted 1/22/2020 22:46 PM

One day at a time, think it through, you donít have to make long term relationship decisions for as long as you need to gather the information needed.
Get over the STD, get your head in the right place, then, just take a breath and then get her to show you how she will make you safe.
Once you are content, then make a call. It is all about you, not her.


Dismayed2012 posted 1/23/2020 10:22 AM

"I just feel like every moment with her is a moment taken away from the rest of my life."

I fully agree with your statement. Separate yourself physically and mentally (the 180) from her in preparation for divorce. You can always stop the process anytime. Do this for yourself. Get away from her so you can get your emotions in check and get your head straight. At the same time, get active. Start new hobbies and go to new places. Keep yourself busy. Make new friends; reconnect with old friends. Take your life back. Decide where you want to be in five years and make a plan to get there. This life is about you now. Make what you have left of your life better than it has ever been. Be more successful; be more helpful; be more active. Take care of yourself; you're worth it. I wish the best for you.

pureheartkit posted 1/26/2020 09:05 AM

What's important?

100% honesty
Desire to live an authentic life
Desire to grow as a human being
Desire to make this a decent world to live in ( cause no harm)

Can she do this? It requires laying down the me me me mindset that is pervasive in our time.
She will have to replace the energy of being wanted by another with something else.

So many people feel deprived. Even in a rich life with a loving partner, they feel they are entitled to more and more. It never satisfies. They will lie to get it. They will sneak around and do hurtful things. They will lie to themselves. They destructively shut off their humanity which I think is the saddest of all things to do to oneself.

So here you both are at a moment in time. What kind of people do you want to be? She's scared. She's saying this and that. You don't know what to make of it.

One thing I know......don't make a choice from fear. Fear never never helps us. If you think from fear, you can't move toward happiness.

Who are you? You are an eternal spirit. Your body is temporary and changeable. Your health is in your hands. I think you can make progress on your health and feel good about it. infidelity is hard on self esteem. But really, the root of it is that she drank from the me me me cup too much for whatever reason.

What can you do?

You can work on yourself. You can see if she is sincere on working on herself. She needs to be all in on your healing. She's got to learn to build trust and practice gratitude. And she has to find something to satisfy that place that was empty so much that she acted out to fill it up.

There are so many good things in this world to fill oneself with. It's infinite. No one needs to choose destruction. There is always another way.

You have years and years ahead. I want you to enjoy them. Please do not fear. Make plans to move toward happiness whatever that may be for you.

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/26/2020 21:57 PM

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

Are you ok? Many of us here have been exactly where you are now. Yes, it is Hell, but it does get better, I promise

Hang in there and stay strong

Dranth posted 1/27/2020 14:25 PM

Still here. Still searching.

She has said a lot over the last week, most of it good. Things I would want to hear to know there is any chance going forward. She seems to be sincere and is showing more emotion now than the whole time I have known her (she cried twice in front of me in 22 years and has always hid her emotions, now it is almost daily). She swears she loves me and wants to be a better person. That she always thought of us together forever. That she canít even explain how dumb what she did was or how much she hates it, regrets it and what it is doing to me, to us.

She has already contacted an IC and is scheduled to start this week. She gave me access to everything (phone, accounts, bank, etc. although I think I mentioned that previously). She asked me to track her because she wants me to know where she is, that she isnít off somewhere else. She swears I now have the full story and it is the only one (no other pervious A). So far, what she has told me has matched up with what I have found though I still have not gone through a bunch as I just donít want to see it right now. I have it for when I need it and if I find anything else, she knows I am done.

She has also been to this site and many others trying to read up on what she can do for both me and herself. She has also picked up the book that was mentioned on here (forget the name) about helping your spouse recover. She has been reading it aloud with me.

Taking the advice from here I am not making a decision yet. Not this close to when it all happened. If, months from now, she still has this level of dedication and willingness to work on herself and us then maybe I can see a future. For now, I am trying to focus on myself and clearing my head including finding my own IC. I still need to figure out if I can ever get past this. If I can live with someone knowing that they betrayed me in such a visceral way.

Honestly, I hope I can (canít help how I feel about her despite what she has done) but I have my doubts. I still feel horrible. She still destroyed my ego, my trust, my self-worth. She devastated me in a way that I honestly didnít know was possible. She shattered our plans and hopes for the future. That is all still there eating at me but, one thing I see clearly, even though I donít feel like it most of the time, is that I will be fine either way. I will move on and find my own happiness, meet someone else and build a life with them or I will reach a point where I can stay with her (which would include her putting in the work) and build a better life/relationship than what we had.

fareast posted 1/27/2020 18:03 PM


Your attitude will serve you well. You need to heal you. Do what you need. It will take time to process the emotional trauma. Take your time and you will figure out what you want to do. Knowing that you will be fine no matter what the ultimate decision is an excellent starting point. Good for you.
As Trdd mentioned, from what you describe your WW appears to be taking baby steps and approaching the right mental state to be a candidate for R. But it is a long road and even if she does everything in her power this still may be a dealbreaker for you. And thatís okay. Both D and R are acceptable outcomes to get out of infidelity. She needs to do a ton of work to figure out her ďwhyísĒ that she could betray you in this manner. She needs to demonstrate consistent actions overtime to demonstrate remorse for the pain she caused you. Good luck.

Jameson1977 posted 1/27/2020 19:26 PM

Hi Dranth, I've been following your thread but haven't posted yet.

First, absolutely, take as much time as you need before making any decisions. Dont be swayed by any healing timelines, it is different for everyone.

Second, your WW said the same thing mine did about living two lives. Mine also mentioned compartmentalizing her A's and her home life. MrsWalloped (a WW here) has posted about the same thing. You can search her posts and is very upfront and honest when describing her A. It might provide some insight.

Your WW needs IC. I let my WW make half assed attempts at IC over 3 years. It finally came to a head and I demanded she invest in it. She has, and it has been very beneficial for her, and us.

Read my story for what not to do for 3+ years!

Take care brother.

SnowToArmPits posted 1/27/2020 21:15 PM

She asked me to track her because she wants me to know where she is, that she isnít off somewhere else.

She's about 3 years too late in offering you this.

Less cynically, what kind of marriage is that?

Sounds like she's trying, that's good. I guess she doesn't have much else to offer you at this point after blowing up your world.

She offered you this "I never thought I'd get caught". Ah man.

faithfulman posted 1/27/2020 21:32 PM

I wish you hadn't let her know about this site.

Now she will be reading your thread to try and reverse-engineer what to say and do to "make it right".

Also, any type of edge you have in learning what she might be hiding in the past or the present.

Good luck to you.

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/28/2020 00:15 AM

Wear a condom whenever you have sex with her, you donít want her to get pregnant while you are still deciding what YOU want!!!!

Who else knows?

Dranth posted 1/28/2020 08:14 AM

Wear a condom whenever you have sex with her, you donít want her to get pregnant while you are still deciding what YOU want!!!!

I donít think I have to worry about that, anytime I start to think about what she did, everything dies. All I can see is her doing the same thing with him. Any chance I have to have sex with her requires me to shut it all out and that is something I canít do no matter how hard I try. At the end of the day, I have no idea if or when that will change but the chances of me getting her pregnant right now are about as close to zero as you can get.

Who else knows?

I told a couple of select friends but I donít know who all she told. Even if I am done, I am not interested in revenge or shaming despite how tempting it is when I get really pissed off. I also want her to talk to people about it who can help her figure out what the hell is wrong. Beyond that either I move on and at that point who cares or we work it out and she tells who she wants, it is her shame to deal with, not mine.

I wish you hadn't let her know about this site.

She had already found the site as she was looking for things that may help however, I wasnít going to let it stop me from getting some of this out. Besides, the way I see it, there isnít anything in here I havenít and wouldnít say to her so if she reads it, that is fine. Honestly, I hope she does post here and read and learn from her mistakes. She needs the help and if she wasnít seeking it everywhere she could I would already be done.

She's about 3 years too late in offering you this.

Agreed, but that is the whole kicker, right? At the end of the day I either have to get to a place where I trust her again or I move on.

As Trdd mentioned, from what you describe your WW appears to be taking baby steps and approaching the right mental state to be a candidate for R. But it is a long road and even if she does everything in her power this still may be a dealbreaker for you.

I understand that philosophically but man it is hard to swallow. To think of all those years, all those plans and dreams, just gone. Burned to a cinder over something that was so easily avoidable. I know it will never be the same even if she keeps working on herself and we manage to somehow R. No matter what, that life is gone and that upsets me. Our future in exchange for some attention of a younger guy.

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/28/2020 08:51 AM

That she always thought of us together forever.

Does that include the 3 years time (that you know of) during which she "visited" him over and over, weekly at least?

Dranth posted 1/28/2020 10:29 AM

Oh, trust me, I am aware of the hypocrisy of it all but based on what I am seeing on the WS side of the forums yes, it is possible. I think the bigger question is does it matter? At the end of the day it happened, reasons only matter if I decide to stay.

[This message edited by Dranth at 10:30 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

faithfulman posted 1/28/2020 18:23 PM

reasons only matter if I decide to stay.

Her reasons don't matter much either way.

If you decide to keep going with her, what matters is how big of a shit sandwich you are willing to eat in order to stay with this woman.

And dude, this is a pretty huge sandwich.

I suggest you don't even consider her reasons, and start working on yours.

One piece of paper, reasons to stay, and the other, reasons to go.

And make sure your reasons to stay are real reasons.

20+ years together is a real reason, but not necessarily a good one.

No other woman will find me good enough is not a real reason.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:23 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Dranth posted 1/28/2020 21:50 PM

Well, I just spent a large chunk of my birthday in a ditch on the side of the road in agony.

I donít know where the hell it came from but I had to pull over driving home from work as this was by far the worst pain I have felt to date. Maybe the shock is finally completely wearing off and everything is now pouring out. I donít know but holy hell, that was rough. I was eventually able to meet up with a friend who helped me work through it.

I honestly donít know how you all made it through this but Christ I wish no one would ever have to feel something like this. EVER.

[This message edited by Dranth at 10:27 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Jameson1977 posted 1/28/2020 22:23 PM

You're right about that Dranth.

It helps when you have friends around that can support you.

I didn't do IC right after dday, I should have. I think it would have helped to get it out.

Organic2003 posted 1/29/2020 00:29 AM

Dear (((Dranth)))

I just read your posts last night and could not get you off my mind today.

"How could I ever be with anyone else now? Who wants a diseased, middle age, fat man? I am social awkward and have a difficult time talking to people before I know them. What chance did I have?"

This has been addressed by others but this thought process is what was on my mind all day.

YOU are the prize! You are the honorable man! The world needs more of you!

We all know how emasculating betrayal is but you need to fix your fat shamming.

After your head is in a better spot and some shock diminishes use this trauma to better yourself physically and mentally. You are still a very young man at the prime of your life. Men your age are in very high demand.

"He would just text her or her him every few months when they were nice and horny and she would go over to his place. Leave me there sleeping and slip out."

It seems all cheaters find a way to make a special hell for us with some amazing punches to the gut. Thank her for all you special memories to play back in your head for years.

She is now telling you that she doesn't know why she did it and she never thought you would find out, BULL SHIT, she was leaving you when you were sleeping! She knew damn well how dangerous that was and it just added to the excitement. She figured she could find a lie and get away with it if you woke up. She knew she you would catch her someday and wonder where she was. She put a lot of thought into this ahead of time. She needs to do more than a childish IDK for you. Better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission might be the better explanation from her.

Please take care of yourself this trauma is devastating. Really be careful, this trauma is beyond the English language to describe, so take care of yourself.

Drink water a lot of it!
Eat something!
Take walks or some kind of exercise!
Soon do something you enjoy for yourself!

PS. Take her up on the divorce offer that is too good to refuse.
You will never be sorry for not having a licence to steal hanging over your head, she broke the contract and she is giving you an offer you should not refuse. Go back to the first 15 year relationship if you can reconcile, it seemed to work better.

Ya I am jadded on that one, my first wife got 1.4M and I just found out 25 years later she was cheating for years during our marriage. She made her cheating special too, I hired the guy to be my plant manager at her behest and was the best man at his wedding. Ug cheaters always seem to find a way to really punch your lights out.

Dranth posted 2/2/2020 16:55 PM

Quick question for those that have gone through this, how long did it take you to let go of the hate? I donít feel it all the time but every now and then I just get hit with a wave that is almost crippling. Just the urge to tell her to pack her stuff and get out.

It doesnít last long but it is so intense.

I find it typically only happens when I get caught thinking about how long the A went on and how many choices had to be made each time. How many times she had to choose to betray me. Willingly and excitedly betray me. Over and over and over and over again.

It is one of the the few times i truly think my mind is made up and there is no way. Once it fades I see things more practically again and can see she is trying to work on herself and help me. Of course that may not matter in the end but at least she is trying. Seems a lot of people donít even get someone to do that.

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