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When will I move on from the pain

Jess09 posted 1/11/2020 23:10 PM

Hello all. I need a venting session.

Been almost 6 months since my divorce was final. Moved back to my family and have a full time job for the first time in 15 years. I was so scared to live on my own for the first time ever and with two kids. I was amazed at how immediately I took to it and embraced being away from his disgusting ass and manipulation. I dont miss him, at all.

I have moments though when I still struggle with what he did to me. The emotional abuse was more than I could take and I still feel the effects of it.

He threw our life away the minute he realized there are married pathetic desperate women out there willing to have affairs with other married men. Ok...fine. But why did he lie for almost a year saying he ended the affair and wanted to save our marrage...when he 100% didnt. Why? I tried 3 times to file. And each time he told me he wanted to save us. But he never stopped cheating. He made me feel like I was losing my mind. What a f-ing coward! The unanswered questions still eat at me.

The divorce proceedings were brutal. He manipulated me non stop for months trying to convince me to not ask for maintenance. Like I should do him that favor. Can you believe that shit! I was sitting sobbing on my kitchen floor telling my lawyer to just make the payments lower to make this all stop. Thank god she refused!

The gross affair never ended. The best news I heard was that she hasnt been available to him as much lately. Cause hell, canít be as fun for her now that she is the only one cheating on their spouse and family. Boring! This news warms my heart more than I can say! Love it!!! I hope she drops him so very hard and he feels deep deep pain. I need them to both get their karma!

My hatred for him is so strong! I canít even refer to him by his name and cringe whenever I hear it. He texts me about the kids but acts like we are friends. He is so delusional!!!

I really dont want to see a therapist. The one I went to while trying to save my marriage did not help. But then again, no one could help me back then.

I want so badly to not remember the horrible events of 2018/19. But the pain is always there. People tell me to move on. They obviously have never been cheated on and purposely emotionally beat down. Please tell me I will soon be able to go a day or at least a week without having the pain sneak back up on me. I crave that so badly!


WhoTheBleep posted 1/12/2020 06:59 AM

The best news I heard was that she hasnt been available to him as much lately. Cause hell, canít be as fun for her now that she is the only one cheating on their spouse and family. Boring!

Have you exposed the affair to OBS? That man deserves to know the truth about his life. And if you get some satisfaction for blowing up her world, bonus. Tell him.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:26 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

skeetermooch posted 1/12/2020 07:18 AM

Jess, I went through a torturous divorce like yours with my son's father. He's got NPD. He was abusive while we were married and beyond abusive in the divorce. I waved alimony and child support to make it end. You had a great lawyer.

Your pain will absolutely end. I promise. I was in the fetal position for a year post-divorce. Working, getting involved with community things - just rebuilding my life, filling in all the spaces healed me. It takes time. After the papers are signed the another layer of grieving and healing kicks in.

hopefullife posted 1/13/2020 08:02 AM

But why did he lie for almost a year saying he ended the affair and wanted to save our marrage...when he 100% didnt. Why?

I feel the pain 100%. If he allowed me to leave peacefully the 1st time, or if we separated when I gave him the chance to do so amicably for our friendship, I would have been in a bettet position now. The betrayal of promising never to hurt you again while still doing so is torture.

The positive thing is, you're free. You're finally out of it and can officially start over. I'm waiting for mine.

It may take more time than we hope for, but we will get there.

thatbpguy posted 1/13/2020 09:52 AM

Your ex is a broken man in his head. He threw away what should matter most in life and will have repercussions. His children will not respect him, nor love him. He lost a good wife. I know men like this. They live morbid lives with the occasional thrill of a hookup. In the end, they are sad and lonely. Knowing what type of person they are.

Stay strong!

Turn as best you can from hi and what he has done to you and your family. Look and live forwardly. Time to find your own happiness again. Just walk on. It will always be a pain and disappointment, but there is a lot of life to live out there. I know as I have walked in your shoes.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 1/13/2020 11:38 AM

But why did he lie for almost a year saying he ended the affair and wanted to save our marrage...when he 100% didnt. Why? I tried 3 times to file. And each time he told me he wanted to save us. But he never stopped cheating. He made me feel like I was losing my mind. What a f-ing coward! The unanswered questions still eat at me.

Mine did the same - it's why I say that false-R is a mindfuck like no other. Seriously, I think we could have made it through the A, but the false R?!?!?! Why in the living fuck would anyone ever do that to someone else they claim to care about??? I'm sure yours did things similar to mine - having an absolute crying break down etc when I said I should leave him, asking me to give him another chance and telling me how much he loved me and how fucked up he "had" been. Honestly, I think it was ALL to make my WH feel so special about himself...like a fucking game...to see if he was worth it to me to try again, even after screwing me over and lying to me AGAIN. It was akin to the feelings he admitted about his A - the OW was married to one of his then-best friends, yet she cheated on her H with my WH anyway, risking her family, friendships at work - everything - for HIM. That made him feel pretty fucking special.

It goes the same way with me. He had the A, got caught, begged for me to stay and try to R, and then proceeded to try to trick me again, saw how bad I felt because of what he had done, yet I was willing to try because HE WAS SO SPECIAL. Again, massive ego boost - "I must be so great if I could have done this to her and she is still willing to try." I honestly think in his f-ed up head he thought he was doing ME a favor by trying again because he was so fantastic and I'd been "so good to him" that I deserved him to try a bit harder to find me interesting again (which I was not in comparison to his exciting A). Add that the great feelings he was getting from someone willing to toss their marriage and potentially career (they worked together and if caught doing what they were doing on site would have been fired) to be with him - he's the most desirable man on Earth in his mind. So he's getting DOUBLE the ego boosts - even if it's all roses and fairytales from her and anger and a lot of negativity from me - it's still affirmation for him that he is so fucking fantastic.

Sad fact is that it has nothing to do with me or the AP or anything/anyone but him. I suspect that most false-R perpetrators are the same way.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:41 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

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