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Still Coming Out

squid posted 1/5/2020 22:23 PM

A friend of my XWW sent us a Christmas card a couple weeks ago. I just discovered it amongst a pile of unopened mail. It was addressed to the two us, as if we are still married.

This is a friend of my XWW from where she grew up. I'm tempted to reply that we're no longer together. The last time she and my XWW saw each other, my XWW dragged my kids to see her when she vacationed near us. It was about 6 months post Dday and my XWW moved out of our house for a few months just a few days later. So we were in the middle of the shit at that point. But my XWW never mentioned anything about it to her and acted like everything was hunky-dory.

Should I reply to her keeping it short and sweet? Or do I just let it lie?

fareast posted 1/6/2020 08:05 AM

Totally your call, but if it were me I would send a short and sweet reply telling her “ she is no longer living at this address.”

josiep posted 1/8/2020 09:06 AM

Why is it that we good guys still think about what to tell people, how to treat people, who to tell, when to tell, etc. WE are so conditioned to live lives of integrity, we just aren't equipped to deal with the depth of evil that our spouses ultimately show us.

I don't know which is the better option for you. Is she someone your kids might want to keep in their lives? If so, perhaps send her a short note. If not, just let it lie. But I guess I'd be inclined to send the woman a note and tell her what happened. Clinical description. I did that with old friends of ours from years ago and places we used to live. Decided I was going to get my side of the story out there before he did. But I didn't say much - just that he went to his 50th class reunion and that he's now married to his old girlfriend, that I never knew anything and what I have learned, I found out via Facebook so that's all I know. I received many nice notes back and that made me feel good.

People keep telling us we BS's will be OK someday. And I suppose I'll be "OK" but I really can't see where I'll ever be really happy - too much damage and not enough time to heal from it all. Hard to build a new life at age 70.

josiep posted 1/8/2020 09:08 AM

And I'm really, really fighting the impulse to go on a rampage of shouting and screaming at the Universe. How can people like my XWH and others like him continue to walk the face of this Earth but OhFor can't? I'm so upset about losing him and I want to just throw things and scream.

josiep posted 1/8/2020 09:12 AM

One more thought - I listened to a great podcast yesterday on TheMoth. By Monte Montepare. Called Nowhere to Run. I thought of you, Squid, when I listened to it. I think you'll appreciate it a lot. It's 15 min. long.

Maudlin posted 1/8/2020 10:51 AM

I made a New Years Facebook post (my real true friends have known a long time) about Losing 200 plus pounds in 2020, in divorce. (I have no idea what he weighs, I’m not fat shaming or even know if that is fat, I’m just guessing!). It was an easy and I must say effective way for me to say stop telling me “say hi toXXX” in random posts.

The ex was pissed 🙄 because now his friends know. Dude, I do t give a shot about you now, why would I about your friends? Also sticking your dick in hookers is marriage ending material, I just didn’t know, so this is a LONG time coming. Deal.

Anyway. A rescue friend I really don't know well sent me am message my post was “2020 as fuck”. Kind of was.

Now go be 2020 as fuck. Light it all on fire, it feels amazing and I am so free now. No going back.

squid posted 1/8/2020 13:07 PM

I sent a short message to XWW's friend just saying that we are no longer together and that she no longer lives at our address.

She replied saying that she was shocked when my XWW mentioned it to her back in November. She was "sorry things didn't work out between us". Obviously she probably didn't hear the part about where XW boinked the coworker in the back of his van. Yeah, I was way tempted to fill her in on the real scoop. But I don't see the point now. If it ever comes up again I will definitely disclose.

josiep,

And I'm really, really fighting the impulse to go on a rampage of shouting and screaming at the Universe.

I definitely feel you. I'm tempted to just start bringing up to my friends and coworkers that don't know that I'm divorced about her affair.

Simplicity posted 1/8/2020 13:36 PM

Oh, I tell everyone. I say, I'm sorry, but he decided he would rather keep being with the therapist that worked for him, and I had to let him go. Then I tell them his new contact info. I keep it short, and I don't care if people think it's not my business to tell, because actually I think I have a right to tell. In fact, everyone who knew me, I feel like should know. I don't need my narrative changed. If you knew me, I will not have him tell you something that wasn't true.

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