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Help me be strong

Simplicity posted 12/30/2019 12:30 PM

I remember someone told me that she likes me because she thought I was such a strong woman. I don't feel that way. It's been over a year since the final D. I have someone wonderful who cares about me, that I don't know why I won't fully commit to (that's another story, and he is rather sore about that). I have had many wonderful experiences outside of my old M and away from the whole crazy of XH's life. I am now living what I'm calling a grown up's version of study abroad, and doing a one year fellowship far away in a part of the country that is super fun.

Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe I'm starting to get lonely. I don't know. But I looked my XH up last night. Saw that he still shares an address with OW. I don't know why I did that. I felt super tempted to call him out of no where. I wanted to yell at him and I don't know what else. I feel life is so unfair. He has my beautiful dog, who that shameless woman touches every day. He suffers no consequences, and neither does she. I remember when I first found out he wrote a reference letter for her for a government job, I felt so great that when I flagged it for ethics review. I'm so annoyed that she still got a government position, even if it isn't in a top location of her choice. I may have had nothing to do with that. I guess the government doesn't have a high level of ethics...

I'm mad that these people don't get consequences! Meanwhile I am out here, alone, wondering if it would be weird to go watch fireworks alone on New Year's Eve. As the Dread Pirate Roberts says, Life's not fair! Anyone telling you otherwise is selling you something.

Phoenix1 posted 12/30/2019 12:52 PM

Sorry you are struggling. Just remember it is a rollercoaster that takes 2-5 years to heal from. You are still on the rollercoaster and will have highs and lows. Totally normal so go easy on yourself.

Gently, it sounds like you are still focusing on the "unfairness" of things and "consequences" for him when you are in your low points. Your last line is correct. Life is not fair, and you need to let go of the outcome for him. Focus on you and what you want in life.

Funny thing about consequences (aka Karma). Many times they are not epic implosions that we get to witness and dance with glee. Someone with a history of bad choices will likely continue that pattern, and consequences from those decisions may happen without you knowing about them. He and OW may be fighting, he may have financial issues, he may be having work issues, he may be cheating on OW, he may be driving friends away, and so on. The point is, the consequences may be subtle, but they are likely still happening. Waiting for the "big one" is a waste of your energy, when it could be focused elsewhere. On yourself.

Maybe IC would help work through the anger to get passed it, if you can't get there on your own. That anger also may be preventing you from committing to "someone wonderful."

Sit back and reflect on what you really want. Is it in your control, or not? If it's not, let it go. If it is, what can you do in terms of baby steps to achieve it?

This is hard to navigate and we all stumble once in a while. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward.

Chili posted 12/30/2019 12:59 PM

I'm out the door, but I just wanted to let you know I read this and you've been heard. I'm sorry things are tough this season and you're feeling a bit puny.

You've done such a good job at taking care of yourself in your new beginnings and finding amazing new pathways. I was just thinking about how what you said resonated with how I felt for a long while after my final paperwork. It was like I was the last adult standing. It was back to work, bills, going to therapy and getting healthy, maintaining a house, holidays alone - doing all of those genuine and authentic things, but pretty boring at the end of the day.

And it pissed me off that he went off deep into the sunset or crazy town or wherever he went with her with money in his pocket, few responsibilities and acting like he was a teenager or whatever.

It made me feel small for a while. And kind of isolated. And uninteresting. Sort of my "Yay me!" moment.

Things have changed tremendously for me, but I'm not going to rah-rah-sis-boom-bah you. Just wanted you to know you've been heard. And that I think you're incredibly strong. Sending you good things for the New Year.

Simplicity posted 12/30/2019 15:36 PM

Haha... Karma. I was talking to a friend about this a few months ago, and she said, don't worry, karma will get him in the end. I had replied, but what can I do to improve myself? Because if there is karma waiting for him, then something I did planted the dharma to result in the karma of having a husband who cheated on me! She laughed and said she never thought of it that way. If you really study Buddhism, nothing comes out of nowhere. Literally. There is the void, and then after that there are the seeds you plant. What seed did I plant to end up with the current fruit? And what seeds can I plant to have better harvests? So you can't just throw out the word Karma without really understanding what it means.

And no, I still reject the preface of "Gently." I still think it's not helpful, it's like when someone tells you to calm down. That's crap. Just tell me if that's what you think. There is no gently. I want to let go of the outcome for him. I am just frustrated. I see it time and time again, people who seem to get away with everything or anything. My sense of justice is infuriated! For now, all I can do is trudge on. Try to improve on myself. Move on the best I can. It's just some days...

Phoenix1 posted 12/30/2019 16:24 PM

I only mentioned karma because so many seem to equate the two. If you take the teachings further, you will see that it is not confined to actions in one's present life as it includes the actions in past lives as well. Because of that, there is no way to answer your question about what seed you planted. I, personally, don't believe in karma.

Trying to show compassion through words alone on an anonymous website is challenging at best, but that's what "gently" is intended to convey.

Your anger is palpable. I get it. The injustice IS infuriating. But what is that fury accomplishing? Instead of focusing on letting go, why not try to focus on acceptance. That can lead to letting go of the outcome. Acceptance doesn't mean forgiveness (or it could, if you need to do that first). It means just that, accepting life is unfair, we don't always see the justice we would like to see, and we can't control the outcome of others. Acceptance is liberating, and it takes the burden of anger off your back. It doesn't mean you won't feel moments of it here and there, but you can get past it a little easier.

I understand what you are feeling completely, and I hope you can find a path forward that works for you to bring peace into your life. Truly.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:27 PM, December 30th (Monday)]

Simplicity posted 12/31/2019 01:02 AM

I know you want to convey compassion, but so do the people who tell you to calm down when everything is on fire and you don't know what to do. I guess I'm just ranting and want to find ways to grasp back at the goodness of life. I'm trying to enjoy what I have. I do need to find acceptance. That is truly a good bit of advice. Luckily I don't need to forgive to move on. I firmly believe foregiveness needs to be earned. I may give mercy out freely, but my forgiveness is not.

In the meantime I'm going to look forward to enjoying some winter sports and maybe a shopping spree or two (well not spree, but I think I may perform some retail therapy... I think I'm due for a new purse...).

Chaos posted 12/31/2019 07:16 AM


Dread Pirate Roberts is wise. He also built up an immunity to iocaine powder and so can you.

It won't be weird to watch NYE fireworks alone. In fact it sounds like you'd be in the best company you could be with. YOU.

Chili posted 12/31/2019 09:55 AM

Simplicity - slight t/j for you - everytime I see a firefighter in turn-out gear I think of you...it makes me giggle and I wonder how you are doing.

Go get that purse!

truthsetmefree posted 12/31/2019 12:43 PM

I think where one can get hung up on the idea of karma is in that it requires us to judge everything that is happening in our lives as either good or bad. Have you ever had the experience of having something really bad happen that later turned out to carry an innate blessing...something that wouldn't have come had things not happened in the manner they had?

The problem in this comes in the waiting. It's hard to be in a tough place and hold the belief that it inherently holds something good in the seed. But it's the only thing we really get to choose in life...the beliefs we hold. It's as Einstein is accredited in saying: “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or a hostile universe.” Are things happening TO you - or are they happening FOR you?

At the end of the day, you choose which you are going to believe. I'm struggling with this. Many times, I find I don't want to choose the more empowering belief. Somehow I feel protected in "expecting the worst" - I'm exploring that, working on it. But considering that life just IS...then what I choose to believe is what assigns the meaning - which determines how I experience whatever it is that is already happening. In that, I am powerful beyond all measure.

Simplicity posted 12/31/2019 14:39 PM

BTW PURSE BOUGHT. I eyed it this weekend, saw it was sold out online, called a local store and they told me it was extra sale, and i ordered it right away!
I may just go pick it up tonight so I can start petting it right away!

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