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File a grievance against the attorney with the Bar Association in your state. It is taken very seriously.

I find the hardship case to be particularly humorous. She has refused to go back to work full-time... and she is getting a handsome settlement, even if *I* win on every point of disagreement. And it is not like I am wealthy. I make a good income, but nothing jaw-dropping.

This one could go either way. Unless there is a compelling reason why she cannot work full-time (i.e. special needs child or a disability that she has), this could be an uphill climb for her. Then again, the judge has broad discretion in this area, and her attorney seems to be able to swing things in their way, so I would be prepared for this to go either way.

The cost of the custody evaluation is going to be an interesting one. She basically got what she wanted there, but not because of her reason (domestic abuse). It basically came down to the fact that the kids said that they preferred to be with her.

The petition for you to pay for the custody evaluation may or may not be related to how the evaluation went. Again, this could go either way. Certainly they will argue that the evaluation wasn't necessary because of the way it turned out, but the judge might see it differently. I would definitely query your attorney on their strategy to fight this.

Her lawyer is a real piece of slime. When it's over, I'll be filing an ethical complaint against her for inventing fake evidence

You might want to leave this alone, unless there is solid evidence that they actually invented anything. It's normal and natural to feel antagonistic about opposing counsel (I actually liked my ex's first attorney--he was a decent fellow who was hoodwinked by a diagnosed narcissist).

(I'll also file a complaint against attorney#2 for general negligence).

If you do anything with the Bar Association, it would be this. If you file motions against both attorneys, it might be seen as suspect by the local bar and you don't want to be "that" person in their eyes.

So much of this is perception, and I think that's where you are having some of your difficulties. It's really important that you consider how things are perceived by others (and it may be very different than how you perceive them). I think this is where an impartial third party, like your IC, might be very valuable to you. I'm not sure you are able to see how your actions might be interpreted differently than you believe they will be. Some impartial feedback might be really helpful.

Cat

I'm not sure you are able to see how your actions might be interpreted differently than you believe they will be.

Right back at ya, sweetheart!

barcher144,

I wouldn't be surprised if a custody evaluation came up in my case, where there any minor factors besides the kids' wishes that pushed the decision in her favor?

I'm wondering so that I may prepare if it comes to that. . . sigh.

I wouldn't be surprised if a custody evaluation came up in my case, where there any minor factors besides the kids' wishes that pushed the decision in her favor?

It's difficult to say because we didn't pay (yet/probaby won't) for the full, final report (cost = $6000). At this point, we basically have a written document with the evaluator's recommendations, without rationale.

The entire process was rather frustrating.... I was advised by my attorney to not bring up all of the dirt of STBXW's affair or even the infidelity that I discovered in preparing for the evaluation... or the fact that STBXW was cheating on her current BF.

In hindsight, I think the infidelity that I discovered from Summer 2018 (prior to separation) should/could have been discussed because STBXW was claiming a domestic violence event occurred in August 2018 and I was claiming that she faked it. This additional affair would have served nicely as a plausible argument for "motivation" for faking a domestic violence event, especially in the context of the text messages prior to the event that I was able to provide to the evaluator.

In general, I think the primary reason that I "lost" (other than the kids' expressed wishes) was that STBXW appears nice and normal and loving, especially as a mother. I genuinely think that our evaluator was biased towards mothers (as attorney#2 claimed) because she seemed to overlook most of the evidence that I provided by saying "STBXW has made a number of poor decisions." My attorney left the meeting with the evaluator and explicitly stated "STBXW sure has a lot of excuses."

The evaluator's conclusions were oddly contradictory with each other. STBXW makes a bunch of poor decisions. STBXW needs therapy to get over the end of her marriage. The kids need therapy to deal with a high conflict divorce (something that STBXW has formally refused to allow to this point).

In contrast, the evaluator completely disagreed with STBXW's accusations that I have always been mentally ill and that I will always be mentally ill. In fact, the evaluator complimented me for taking my mental health problems seriously and getting the best and most appropriate treatment available. The evaluator concluded that I was fully capable of handling my own mental health issues and she fully supported my decision (with the consent of both my therapist and my psychiatrist) to stop therapy and to begin tapering off of my anti-depressant medication (I'm continuing therapy for awhile; my choice; getting off of anti-depressants is... well... interesting).

The evaluator did believe that I committed acts of domestic violence in August 2018, disagreeing with a police report and my timeline that clearly showed that STBXW called the police BEFORE the incident occurred. The evaluator claims that she had never seen a child (my 7 year old) bite a parent; this meant, in her mind, that I must have been attacking STBXW. Apparently, the evaluator did not conceive of the possibility that an adult could fake out a child. I dunno.

I’ve not heard of any judge granting permanent alimony except is very unusual circumstances. Being a parent is not one of them.

You should not have to pay her alimony indefinitely.

I was awarded lifetime alimony.

Cat

You should not have to pay her alimony indefinitely.

I seriously doubt it will happen too. She has a college degree and essentially the same job that she had before we met (i.e., ~20 years experience). She has not sacrificed her career trajectory at all for the marriage or for the kids. In fact, she took off for 9-months after our second child was born. She was convinced to come back to work when her boss literally doubled her salary; so you could argue that her marriage/having kids helped her salary. Admittedly, she has only worked 30-hours per week since then, but that was by her choice.

I also don't think that her "hardship" argument is going to work either. She has not gone back to work full time... if money is so scant, wouldn't you go back to work full time? I mean, I took a second job because I couldn't pay all of my financial obligations. Also, she is going to be netting more than $100,000 of assets from this marriage plus half of my retirement account.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 6:40 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

Thank you for sharing.

The one fortunate piece is the therapy recommendation.

And that your divorce is getting closer. Best wishes.

The one fortunate piece is the therapy recommendation.

There are numerous fortunate pieces. Number one is the fact that STBXW is mostly out of my life.

That sounds... I dunno.... cliched? But, it's true. This all sucks; it really does. However, life with her was worse.

So, I have that going for me, which is nice.