SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sweet potatoes are the best potato.

Fite me irl

do u even lift

Come at me, nerd.

Come at me, nerd.

I think people are overlooking that she did all the fun things before they got together and she said no way to the dude who she did got married too. If my wife said she didn't like to give oral, and I find 50 videos of her being the queen of it, I'd think something was wrong with me. Why did she do all those things with other guys, but it's off limits for the guy she married. If I was the OP, it would probably mess with my head.

I do remember reading that original thread. She said she never told him because she didn't want him to think she was a slut. He says he would've loved if she did those things with him, he wanted her to be slutty with him (his words I don't really think oral is slutty). He was really upset, he said he married a whore who ****ed like a prude.

And I don't think not being ok with someone's past sexual history is misogynistic or any of the other buzz words. If I had a scat fetish in the past and my wife found out and was disgusted, well I wouldn't really blame her.

cash me ousside how bout dat

What does it say about the 4 men who were willing to have sex with a woman?

It says that they are not someone I would have sex with or marry.

Anyone else can draw their own conclusions, or judgments, which are a really important part of what makes us who we are.

Maybe we are always changing. Maybe, we are not. But, that decision rightly belongs to the person who needs to make it. And, I don’t believe they should be judged for that.

Ok. I haven't read the entire thread yet. I haven't managed to get past the first 12 pages because of the "banged the football team" example that keeps being used over and over and over. I've left the thread after three panic attacks today.

I was raped by several football players when I was 13. I fought hard and they brutalized me badly. One of them nearly severed my nipple by biting it off because I kicked him in the nuts. As badly as they hurt me, they left no visible injuries on my face or hands so I was able to cover my injuries from prying eyes. They spread it all over school that they had all had me consensually and others believed them for a couple years until they did it again to another young girl. It destroyed me and I was suicidal for several years.

Can you all please stop using that stupid f'd up stereotype!!!!!

KatyaCA,

Did those pieces of shit get charged and put in prison?

Katya,

Rape is not consensual. Everything in this thread is about adult, consensual acts.

I’m so sorry for your pain. That is brutal and I hope you have had therapy and guidance moving forth.

@Rideitout

Some double standards exist because of a bias or prejudice, some exist because there are really 2 different things and comparing 1-2 doesn't make any sense. A great example of this is in the military, the physical standards are different for women than men. Double standard? Without question. Reason for that double standard? Also, IMHO, without question.

It's almost as if there are biological differences between the genders. Which very much extends to dating strategies and what they want in a partner. It's as if drum roll, men and women tend to want different things.

The problem here seems to arise from some of the posters being incapable of accepting that. Because things don't matter to them, they should matter to nobody. Because they want certain things, everyone should want that. Anyone who deviates from that is BAD.

Also, it seems a lot of the women have no problem with a guy sleeping with several women at once. So guys shouldn't have a problem with that either. Even though the situation is fundamentally different because male sexuality is cheap because women are the ones to make the decision at the end of the day because they're the ones who have to be pickier as they run the risk of getting pregnant.

@LLXC

But those are bad examples, too, though for different reasons. What if the person relapses? Same with suicide - what of they attempt it again?

With a sexual past - what is there to worry about?

It's the same f'in thing goddamnit. You draw conclusions, asses risks, and project future behaviour based on their past behaviour. You yourself are doing this here, while also constantly avoiding less extreme examples when people bring them up because they're inconvenient to you. Then pretend that the values and norms, as well as the attitude someone has towards sex which they have clearly demonstrated by their past actions somehow, is something entirely different! Why? Because that affects you personally!

Thissucks5678

So threesomes are ok? It’s just more than 3 that is a problem? Is it ok if a woman had a threesome n her past with only women? Or would that be against your rules? Are bisexual women outlawed? I’m just curious what the men here think about that?

All of that is okay, none of it is "outlawed". You can do you. However, it's also okay for someone NOT to want to marry or date you because of that. And hiding these things from them, or outright lying to them is wrong.

That's basically all this is about.

@LLXC

No it doesn't. If someone is waiting for marriage to have sex, it could mean they value sex so highly they believe it should be reserved for a spouse. Or it could mean that is what their parents taught them and they've never thought about it. Or maybe they are terrified of sex. Could be any of those things

If someone has slept with 100 people, had three-ways, it could mean they take sex lightly. It could also mean they took sex lightly in their past but now view it as sacred It could also mean they view sex as a way to understand themselves. It could mean many things

You keep trying to conflate two things here that are very, very different to try and make a point. Stop it. You don't know for certain about the first, but you got a pretty decent gauge on it based on the behaviour they're showing you.

As for the second one, you do know for certain, and the reasons really don't matter beyond that. Reasons at the end of the day are just excuses. They still did these things. That was still them. And a tiger doesn't suddenly change its stripes.

If anything, that person suddenly changing so much and now acting so differently is highly suspect. Also, this feeds back into indulging everyone and their mother, for anything the heart could desire. Then demanding the person they are set on marrying/having a serious relationship with treat them like a virgin, accept they'll get the bare minimum of vanilla sex, and be happy about it goddamnit! If anything, that's a huge double standard. Because the person they supposedly love and cherish the most gets the rawest deal out of this.

And don't give me the damn "THEY DON'T HAVE TO DO ANY OF THESE THINGS ANYMORE!". Didn't frigging say they had to! They, however, don't have to date that person much less marry them at that point either. Which is what you're contesting here, calling it "ignorant", "judgemental", "hypocritical", "creepy", etc.

@Greeneyesbluezy

If my son came home and told me he was number 6 in line to a girl sexually servicing the football team, i would be tremdously concerned.

What if your son came home and told you he's dating the entire cheerleading team, also they're all pregnant by him and he plans to convert so he can marry them all?

@Hellfire

To say that the STD concern makes no sense, just blows my mind.

Funny thing. Even if they got "lucky". They've clearly shown they're willing to take these risks or simply don't think about the consequences and risks involved. That in itself is a red flag to me.

@Mene

What does it say about the 4 men who were willing to have sex with a woman?

I'm not the one who has to marry them so that mostly depends on the women judging them I guess. Personally I find it kinda weird, almost as if they're using the girl as an intermediary to live out fantasies that involve multiple guys.

@KatyaCA

I was raped by several football players when I was 13.

That's terrible and I personally think they should be removed from society permanently. But people here aren't talking about rape, they're talking about consensual encounters.

Also, it seems a lot of the women have no problem with a guy sleeping with several women at once. So guys shouldn't have a problem with that either. Even though the situation is fundamentally different because male sexuality is cheap because women are the ones to make the decision at the end of the day because they're the ones who have to be pickier as they run the risk of getting pregnant.

At the end of the day, it's really this; not a "bias" or "misogyny" or any other shame word that might get thrown out there. It's a biological difference. Same reason we don't have professional boxing matches between men and women, and why women aren't generally linebackers in the NFL and men aren't generally surrogates carrying babies for another couple. It's a biological difference that yes, plays out in society as "different rules" for the sexes. Guess what, there are 1000's of examples of these "different rules" and a lot of them, frankly, make sense, we are not the same. What burns me up about the current SJW talk track is that even they don't want it to be "the same", they want all the benefits of the opposite sex (and yes, this can go both ways) without any of the downsides. Yeah, you know, it would be great if people would give up their seat for me when I get on a train, it would be wonderful if I could use the maternity bathroom, and even more wonderful if people wouldn't give me the stink eye when I'm out alone Christmas shopping with my young niece. Guess what? Not gonna happen. For GOOD reasons; I'm stronger than most women and they should be the ones who can sit down. I don't need an entire room to myself to go pee where nursing/pregnant women might, and they SHOULD have the bigger and more private bathroom. And while this is gonna trigger some people, women almost never/never rape or sexually molest young women, I SHOULD be suspected of it more than my wife walking along with my niece. Nope, none of it is "fair"; my leg might hurt, I might need the maternity bathroom because of some injury or personal reason and I'd never rape anyone and don't have the slightest attraction to juvenile women. So I could rail on for days about it, or I could accept, "You know what, we're different and there's some logical process whereby these rules and expectations came into place" and accept them for what they are. I can tell you, one of those paths forward is going to be wildly more successful than the other.

So threesomes are ok? It’s just more than 3 that is a problem? Is it ok if a woman had a threesome n her past with only women? Or would that be against your rules? Are bisexual women outlawed? I’m just curious what the men here think about that?

Sure, all those things are fine. In fact, of the examples you gave, only the first one would cause me any pause in dating someone (threesome with 2 guys for a woman). The other's I would actually find attractive/exciting in a partner. But that's ME, not you, not the other male posters; it's just my personal line. Other guys might be fine with 2 guys but not 5 at once. Others might find the thought of two women together repulsive and not date you because of that. And others might (and some do) find the thought of any sex at all repulsive and not date you for that. Finally, other people might just not like brown hair and not date you because you're not blonde. All completely OK.

What does it say about the 4 men who were willing to have sex with a woman?

To me personally? Not much at all. "Guess she was hot" maybe (to be willing to share her with 4 guys). "Wow, you must have been hard up" (desperate for sex because you were willing to get in line)? Kind of depends on this situation, but I know plenty of guys who've done this, and in general, it says "not a lot" about them to me.

Didn't this topic just get beaten to death a couple of months ago?

Katya, I am so sorry for what happened to you.

Depends on if you believe in pair bonding or not....

Katya, I believe I'm the one who brought up the football team, I think I may have been the first one.

I am so very, very sorry for what happened to you. My reference was about consenting adults. Which is absolutely not the case, with what happened to you. I cannot tell you enough how much I regret bringing up the football team. I would never, ever, want to trigger a rape victim. I am so deeply, deeply sorry for the pain that I have caused you.

Good lord, this thread. I've had more than the average number of sex partners because I like sex and I have not always been in a relationship. Despite my obvious bad choice in marriage, I am kinda picky about who I invest my heart in. Therefore, not a huge string of relationships. I've done some fun things sexually because I like sex and I'm not hung up on "sexual purity for women", not because I'm some crazy sex-addicted nympho. Not because I have no morals or ethics. Not because I crave attention. I don't sleep with people who are in relationships with other people. I don't lie to or abuse anyone. As with many other women here, my XWH had far fewer sex partners than I did and yet he was the one screwing around probably into the double-digits. Funny how that happens so often.

If I get into a relationship again and the man rejects me because I don't fit whatever image he has of a woman he would want to be with, so be it. After reading this thread, I'll be sure to be 100% honest to weed those men out. I don't want a man who thinks that I am immoral or impure because I haven't saved myself for him all this time or because I actually god forbid enjoy having sex despite not having a penis. And you know what? No hard feelings. I would be miserable with someone like that because those ideas would come up in other circumstances as well and no doubt we will have avoided huge philosophical arguments in the future by breaking up immediately.

And no, RIO, it has never been difficult for me to find someone attractive to have sex with. I don't give a damn about the "value to society" any of my sexual experiences hold. They held value to me. So single guys, keep on being easy. I appreciate it.

GEB - I've had years of therapy, thanks. That said, I'll always have triggers. This happened to be one and I felt the need to ask those using it to stop because this topic is important and I wanted to respond to the OP and the continuing discussion. I just kept having an involuntary visceral trigger reaction to the repeated use of that term.

I am also well aware that this discussion is centered around consensual sexual activities.

In response to the OP, I can certainly see why he would want to leave her and the marriage. She didn't just lie, which is bad all by itself, she misrepresented herself and when this all came out he realized he really didn't even know who is wife really was/is. What a horrific way to find out. We all know visuals can be nearly overwhelming to overcome. Her boss humiliated him and she allowed her husband to be blindsided by that because she lied. How on earth can trust her?

Honesty and historical sexual activity in context is critical in both evaluating a partner and in setting up a good foundation for marriage IMO. I don't believe that just telling your partner your number means much. Context is much more important.

If my experiences are too much for a potential partner to handle for any reason, they have a right to know so they can determine if they feel I am a match and I need to know so I can determine if they are a good match for me. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't or can't accept me for who I am and this includes my views and attitudes about sex and intimacy which have evolved a great deal over the years.

For me personally, my sexual experience has been a very complicated terrain in my life and my views on sex and intimacy early in my life were heavily impacted in the severely negative category by prior men/boys.

I worked hard to overcome my pain, fears and yes, even the slut shaming that came with some of those experiences. If a potential partner thinks I am damaged, not good enough or that I handled my past in a way they look down on, I want to know. I want to know so I can walk away from them cleanly and early. I did the best I could with the agony I was in and no real coping tools to know better until I eventually realized it was face the dragons or die after three suicide attempts before the age of 15. It was a man who saved my life, literally.

I no longer feel shame for my past and I won't allow anyone to make me feel shame for any of it either. I was a disaster as a teen. I know it, I admit it and I have worked hard to come to a healthy place. I did so years ago and maintain ongoing work on it now. I will have to do that for life.

As for history being the best measure of the future, I find that statement on its face to be BS. History has context. Context is important and I argue that context is more important than mere numbers. Some people work hard to change and knowing the why, who, how and frame of mind matter. Learning some random fact or act doesn't tell you much. Learning how they dealt with it and why does so much more.

Both parties to any sexual relationship always have a right to say no to sex itself or any particular act they aren't comfortable with or dislike. Understanding why can be crucial. I love that my H wanted to understand my why's and what happened more than he was interested in a number. I wanted to know his how's and why's too. We're a good match. We would never have worked without candid honesty though.

This woman never gave her husband a chance to understand why because she lied about her past from the get go. She misrepresented who she was because she repressed herself and didn't want to be judged. In my experience husbands want the most/best of their wife in the bedroom. I have always understood that and I agree with it. Both husbands and wives should be most free with their spouse. What on earth is wrong with that?

Until we women stand up and refuse to be shamed for who we are and what we have done we give others power over us. I fought hard to take back my power and if some man wants to find me lacking because of how I did it he can go pound sand.

DevastatedDee: Right on! I like your attitude.

Good lord, this thread. I've had more than the average number of sex partners because I like sex and I have not always been in a relationship. Despite my obvious bad choice in marriage, I am kinda picky about who I invest my heart in. Therefore, not a huge string of relationships. I've done some fun things sexually because I like sex and I'm not hung up on "sexual purity for women", not because I'm some crazy sex-addicted nympho. Not because I have no morals or ethics. Not because I crave attention. I don't sleep with people who are in relationships with other people. I don't lie to or abuse anyone. As with many other women here, my XWH had far fewer sex partners than I did and yet he was the one screwing around probably into the double-digits. Funny how that happens so often.

If I get into a relationship again and the man rejects me because I don't fit whatever image he has of a woman he would want to be with, so be it. After reading this thread, I'll be sure to be 100% honest to weed those men out. I don't want a man who thinks that I am immoral or impure because I haven't saved myself for him all this time or because I actually god forbid enjoy having sex despite not having a penis. And you know what? No hard feelings. I would be miserable with someone like that because those ideas would come up in other circumstances as well and no doubt we will have avoided huge philosophical arguments in the future by breaking up immediately.

And no, RIO, it has never been difficult for me to find someone attractive to have sex with. I don't give a damn about the "value to society" any of my sexual experiences hold. They held value to me. So single guys, keep on being easy. I appreciate it.

Thank you, Dee!

And, for the record, the idea that the man I would be dating might be a misogynist or really sexist might be the compatibility breaker for me.

My H and I did tell each other our sexual history though, and if he ever left me and I had to date again I would still find it relevant to a certain degree. Probably more in the way Chamomille Tea explained.

Out of any of the threads on SI, this one I thought was going to be straight forward and it ended up being a mindbender.