SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been off site for a while now but first want to share good news! After IC and really focusing on myself for the first time in a long time, I’m feeling great! I’ve never felt better and when I joined this site I couldn’t imagine feeling as good as I do now.

So, I met a guy and need some advice. We’ve been getting to know each other for a while, mostly by text, some phone calls, long distance and we haven’t been physical. He initiates most contact and sends a message almost every day. I do think he’s a good man. He introduced me to his sister casually and he’s made it clear he’s looking for a relationship and a real connection. I feel like he really understands me and my anxieties around relationships and he respects my pace. All good.

Problem is sometimes when I ask him a question by text he doesn’t reply at all and I’ve told him I don’t like that but he still does it. I told him I don’t mind if the reply to my text question is a day later or if the reply is just two words so I don’t feel like I’m being needy but maybe it looks like that.

Since the last time I mentioned it we’ve had almost no contact.

Was I being unreasonable? How would you proceed?

Is there a link between the questions he doesn’t answer? Or does he just randomly not answer some questions, like how’s the weather there? Are the questions he’s not answering important ones? When you told him you didn’t like it, what was his response?

Can you just ask him why he’s not corresponding as much? Might be easier than speculating.

You earlier stated “He initiates most conversations” . Maybe he is a busy person. Try ask him if he gets too busy at any particular hour? Just so you know when you can have uninterrupted conversations.

[This message edited by Endy at 12:59 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

There’s no correlation between the questions he doesn’t answer. Seems random. Ranges from How’s the weather? to deeper questions. When I’ve told him I don’t like it he’s said he didn’t understand the question (I accepted that) or he thought I wasn’t expecting an answer (I could believe that). Last time he said he was busy, I can accept that. But you see the answer is always different.

I haven’t asked him why he’s not corresponding much because I don’t want to seem demanding or needy but I don’t want to repeat what I used to do - not asking for what I need but compromising and always being the one losing out.

Sometimes he is busy, sometimes I’m busy. When he does initiate texts or even if I start off, we don’t spend hours texting. We’ll exchange a few texts then maybe one or two during the day and maybe in the evening we’ll exchange a couple more. When it’s clear we both have the time we have longer text exchanges.

We’ve been getting to know each other for a while,

How long is "a while?"

Have you met in person? How did he introduce you "casually" to his sister? Is there any chance he's not who he says he is? Could he be married?

I was on Match for a short time. I exchanged sporadic messages (just a few) with a man whose profile disappeared numerous times in one week. He claimed it was to avoid "stalkers.". He would also take a day or two to message back. My Spidey sense is tell me he was either married or had a girlfriend. We never got past initial pleasantries before I got off the app altogether.

Not answering questions would bother me as well. Are you casually dating? Are you seeing other people? Could he be?

When I’ve told him I don’t like it he’s said he didn’t understand the question (I accepted that) or he thought I wasn’t expecting an answer (I could believe that). Last time he said he was busy, I can accept that.

I don't blame ya - this would be an issue for me as well. And the above responses seem BS'y to me. You don't understand the question - THEN ASK ME.

I would feel like I am only important when he has the time. If I ask a question - even a minor one - I would expect him to respond. Like you said - everyone is busy - so I get not immediately.

Do you feel dismissed? Or do you think the issue is different communication styles? Like some folks feel very connected via texting where others need phone conversations?

Was I being unreasonable?

NO! This is an issue for you and it is important to see how he deals with problems (even tiny ones). Pay close attention.

How would you proceed?

I wouldn't. You have stated your issue. He acknowledged it. Now sit back and see if his words match his actions.

PS - so nice to see ya on here. Glad you are doing so great!

Since the last time I mentioned it we’ve had almost no contact.

Was I being unreasonable? How would you proceed?

You were not being unreasonable. You have your wants and needs and you do not need to defend them to anyone.

Let's say that you were different... that you needed a lot of space but he wanted to text with you regularly. Which one of you is wrong? Neither of you!

Anyway, my advice: stop it now. This is not right for you. It is not what you want and you are already saying that. You are saying that you don't want to feel needy, which means that you are feeling needy.

There is a big ocean out there with a lot of fish in it. Go find a different one. Be patient. Meet a bunch of different people. Figure out what you truly want and don't settle until you find it.

Thanks all - I knew I’d get sound wisdom from folks here. After all the crap I compromised on before, I find that I have little patience for guys when dating so good to hear how others see it.

Who: I don’t think he’s hiding anything, I’m certain he is who he says he is and we have met. I’m also certain he isn’t married. When I met his sister we spoke alone for a while- it would be risky for him to leave us alone if he was lying and I doubt she lied to me. I do assume he’s seeing other people and I feel free to do the same as we are still just casually getting to know each other.

Even: Great to “see” you too! Logging on was a reminder of how far I’ve come. “I would feel like I am only important when he has the time.” Or only when he feels like chatting - That’s how I feel.

Barcher - This is making me feel needy and I don’t like that.

I’ll admit he is hot but I don’t like feeling needy or feeling like he’s being dismissive. It’s unfortunate, apart from this he really gets me.

It’s unfortunate, apart from this he really gets me.

We talk a lot about "trusting your gut" on this site.

When I read this, I literally flinched. This sentence, all by itself, tells me that you should RUN far and fast.

As The Eagles once sang:

Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things?

You're still the same old girl you used to be

Or, if you prefer something more modern, there is Kacey Musgraves:

Same trailer, different park

This just seems like a situation in which he is grooming you...

This just seems like a situation in which he is grooming you.

Interesting viewpoint. I appreciate your thoughts. I see it the opposite way. Since we’ve been talking for a long time, if he didn’t understand me by now I would have dropped him for that reason alone! He also never tries to push my pace faster than I’m comfortable with. Guys who have an agenda that’s not seeking a genuine connection usually don’t have the patience to stick around if the pace is slow.

After my marriage imploded I spent a long time not dating by choice and using the time to work on myself and learning to trust my gut. I don’t feel that this guy has bad intentions.

In a way I think he’s playing hard to get. He’s very attractive and I know he finds me challenging compared to women he’s dated in the past and ignoring my texts sometimes could be his way of dealing with that. I’m not playing games or playing hard to get but after all that I’ve been through, I am cautious and not in a hurry to move things along.

Interesting viewpoint.

It's completely possible that I am projecting.

I freely admit that I am thinking a lot about how to identify a narcissist at the beginning of a relationship, rather than at the end. Narcissists, in theory, are very attractive at the beginning of a relationship. So, yeah, anyway, I am definitely biased.

In a way I think he’s playing hard to get. He’s very attractive and I know he finds me challenging compared to women he’s dated in the past and ignoring my texts sometimes could be his way of dealing with that.

It seems to me that he is trying to get the power in the relationship. He wants your attention. He wants you to pine for him.

Guys who have an agenda that’s not seeking a genuine connection usually don’t have the patience to stick around if the pace is slow.

I would respond that it depends on his agenda. A lot of men have an agenda that is to get laid. A narcissist's agenda is to get your attention... to force you to believe that they are the center of the universe.

It's completely possible that I am projecting.

I freely admit that I am thinking a lot about how to identify a narcissist at the beginning of a relationship, rather than at the end. Narcissists, in theory, are very attractive at the beginning of a relationship. So, yeah, anyway, I am definitely biased.

Now I see what you meant.

I

t seems to me that he is trying to get the power in the relationship. He wants your attention. He wants you to pine for him.

This is what’s happening I think but I suspect it’s less about power, more just wanting my attention. Well, I’ve told him my expectation and I’ll do nothing more. If he gets in touch and does better with replying then we’ll see how things go. If he doesn’t, then that’s okay. I’m happy as I am and not in a hurry for a romantic relationship.

You said it before - there are plenty more fish to choose from, so I’m not going to pine for one.

[This message edited by Hopeful Lady at 9:27 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

I'm in a similar position as you.

I can't speak for him, but I'd eat up every chance to talk and meet.

I mean when I think about it, the women I'm interested in get my attention and the ones I'm not don't.

So we both probably have our answer. It it was worth it, they'd put forth more effort.

Thanks for your comment Ganondorf. If I understood, maybe he just ain’t all that into me. Could be although he’s the one who has been leading, and doing most of the initiating contact.

Haven’t heard from him since so could be he’s changed his mind and ghosted.

You haven't heard from him at all in 6 days? That doesn't bode well. I'm sorry.

Better now than later though, right? My Spidey senses tell me you dodged a bullet.

Onward! When they are into you, you'll know. And if the feeling is mutual, however guarded you may be, it feels pretty wonderful.

You haven't heard from him at all in 6 days?]

Nothing until today - he texted me.

Tread lightly. Maintain your boundaries.

Always watch his ACTIONS. His words will likely confuse you, based on those actions.

Please update us when you can.

Better now than later though, right? My Spidey senses tell me you dodged a bullet.

This is my precise thought, to explain my previous comments using different language.

Thanks for the tips!

I haven’t decided if or what to reply yet but here’s some more info to give a fairer picture.

Early on it was obvious that we like each other, we both feel the chemistry and we both want this to progress in the same direction.

Now I feel that he is emotionally invested to a degree but I’m not although we have a great connection. I just don’t want to get my emotions involved with any man at present but I’ve never told him that - I should have told him long before now. He has never hurt me but I did hurt him before and if I were him, I’d be hesitant about the same person hurting me again.

Hmm...so you're thinking him backing off, and even not returning texts, might be "playing it cool?"

I'm not him. It is indeed possible.

How about just being blunt? Ask him what's up. If you continue to see him, and things are still weird, then maybe you just aren't right for each other. Maybe your day to day methods of communicating are just not compatible.

I was in a long-term marriage / relationship, 19 years. He is undiagnosed cluster B, so communication was always difficult at best.

I've been dating new SO almost 6 months. We haven't had one "misunderstanding" in all that time. With WH, I could never get through a single conversation without him "misunderstanding" something. One of the trademarks of cluster B's is that they are always misunderstanding things. The fact is, they have not misunderstood. They just twist what you say and do to fit the feelings they already have, which are generally negative feelings.

I don't like that this guy doesn't respond because he "Didn't know what you meant.". As stated above, ASK if you don't understand. But instead, he goes dark. Red flag. I'm pretty sure he does understand. His lack of response has another explanation but he hasn't been truthful about. If you do talk to him, find out what he has to say about that. If it's another bullshit answer that doesn't make sense, pay attention.

If you choose not to return his text at all, that's fine too.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 2:39 PM, October 14th (Monday)]