"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

tushnurse posted 10/15/2019 08:18 AM

Sounds like he is a good guy. Great. Enjoy it.

HOWEVER.... DO NOT do something you do not want to do. If he doesn't like it tough lumps. You have just gotten out of a bad situation and deserve to take all the time in the world you want and need.

Personally I know that if something happened. I would never live with another man again. I like my personal space too much. I like my down time. I like doing me. You should do you for a good long while. He can rent something I'm sure.

Hopeful Lady posted 10/15/2019 09:36 AM

I'm probably not the right person to ask as I can't imagine ever living with a man ever again. That said, I think one year is way too early to blend families. You're still kind of in the honeymoon phase at that point. You have two kids, correct? 1400 ft is not very big for four people. At his daughter part time and it's downright cramped.
What is his living situation right now? Why does he want to move in so badly?

I've only been dating my SO 5 months. His kids are grown and gone. He owns his house. I own my house. We were at an electronic store at the other day and the salesman asked us if we were married. Nope, we said. Living together? Nope, we said. SO replied, "We each own our own houses. It's kind of a nice arrangement.". I couldn't agree more. My kids are still young and with me 50% of the time. I can't ever see a man moving in for at least 14 more years. There's just no need. Moving in feels like marriage. And I never want to get married again. Neither does he.

All of this. And what tushnurse said. I am very happy with my life now but it took a lot of time and work to get here. I can’t see any reason for me to live with a man and risk disturbing my happiness and definitely not while I have a child at home - I don’t want me or my child to deal with the stress of blended families.

Now, say I met a man who was a perfect human, he needs to be financially stable. I don’t really care what a guy’s financial situation is if we’re just dating as long as he doesn’t hit me up for money. But if we’re going to live together he needs to have his finances in order. I would wait at least a couple of years to get to know him AND his daughter better. I would not make my child share a room, she didn’t choose the guy or his daughter so I wouldn’t want her to have to deal with negative consequences. I also would not want to have his child sleeping on the couch - what message does that give that child when other children in the house sleep in beds? I wouldn’t do that. I would only live with a man if that’s what “I” want to do.

Phoenix1 posted 10/15/2019 13:48 PM

Listen to your gut and stay true to your own feelings.

For what it's worth, I am coming up on six years with my SO and I'm STILL not ready to move in together...

barcher144 posted 10/15/2019 14:02 PM

Sounds like he is a good guy. Great. Enjoy it.

HOWEVER.... DO NOT do something you do not want to do.

This is it. I came to say this and I am lazy so I cut-and-pasted it.

Also:

DO NOT HAVE HIS DAUGHTER SLEEP ON THE COUCH. NO NO NO NO NO NO.

She is a human being and she should not be treated like a second-class citizen like that.

Or, alternatively, let her sleep on the couch, but just go ahead and make her therapy appointments.

tushnurse posted 10/16/2019 09:33 AM

Baaarcher.... oh come on man.

Jana explained her new place is small. She doesn't have space for another bed for her. Sleeping on the couch isn't that big of a deal.
Hell when I was a kid I slept on an air mattress in the kitchen of the home we stayed at on summer vacation because the house was so full. It didn't warp me (much).

Is there space for a cot in your dtr's room for her when she comes?

wildbananas posted 10/16/2019 10:14 AM

t/j.....

For what it's worth, I am coming up on six years with my SO and I'm STILL not ready to move in together...

Girl, same.

wildbananas posted 10/16/2019 10:22 AM

I don't know... I kind of agree with barcher. Short term, having his DD sleep on the couch probably isn't a huge deal. On an ongoing basis, I would imagine she'd grow to resent it. I know if I were her, I'd feel like a second-class member of the family, not having my own space or any true privacy.

I have a friend who did that to her kid. Her place only has two bedrooms. Her mother took one, she took one, and her kid was put in a corner of the dining room (no table there, just the kid and his things). They live in a single-wide mobile home, so there isn't much room there, either. He didn't even have any sort of curtain to block off the area. I don't know what the answer was to their space issue - maybe that was the best one, who knows - but I felt bad for that kid, especially as a teenager.

barcher144 posted 10/16/2019 10:32 AM

I kind of agree with barcher. Short term, having his DD sleep on the couch probably isn't a huge deal. On an ongoing basis, I would imagine she'd grow to resent it.

Because I wasn't clear before, I meant... if he officially moves into the house, then do not establish the couch as his daughter's permanent location for sleeping.

A couch is fine for now and then or even for a summer. For permanent, she needs her own space, even if it is shared space (bunk beds, etc).

wildbananas posted 10/16/2019 14:55 PM

Because I wasn't clear before, I meant... if he officially moves into the house, then do not establish the couch as his daughter's permanent location for sleeping.

A couch is fine for now and then or even for a summer. For permanent, she needs her own space, even if it is shared space (bunk beds, etc).

Same.

Pass posted 10/16/2019 16:01 PM

YL and I are approaching five years, and we finally feel we are ready to move in with each other. My boys and I are moving in with her and her girls at the end of January, and we're both very excited about it. Before we were dating a year, I knew that I wanted to, but I also knew that meant I wasn't ready. I had done that with The Princess (who drove me to this forum), and that ended poorly, or course.

I had to make sure I felt secure in my life, that I knew I could support myself without a partner. I had always been in doubt about that, which is why I stayed with The Princess so long. At one point I told YL that when I eventually move in with her I needed to make sure I had "an escape plan" (Note: Not the best phrasing under the circumstances ). I wanted to make sure that if the move didn't work out, I wouldn't be starting from zero again - or worse, staying because I felt I had to.

So, I've finally gotten to the point that I don't feel like YL would be "rescuing" me, I don't feel like I need an "escape plan", and I realize that we are equals who can help each other. We've been talking about it and considering it over the summer, and both agreed that it will be good, and we're full of the warm fuzzies that we should be at this point. If we had done it any sooner, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have felt so good about it.

And we are converting a couple rooms in her house to be bedrooms for my boys, and one for my office (I work from home).

So anyhow, that's what was on my list that I needed to make the decision to move in. Lists are important!

JanaGreen posted 10/17/2019 12:18 PM

Oh wow! I wanted to see what was going on in NB and I found all these replies on my post! Thank you!

Quick update - he hasn't mentioned it again, at all, since that time he texted me. Which I'm happy about. It gives me mental space to think about how I feel without pressure, which is the only way I can ever suss out how I feel without getting my feelings tangled up around what someone else wants.

I agree that it wouldn't be right to have his daughter camping on the couch. Teenagers need their space. And if he and I lived together, even if he only has her every other weekend now, I would want her to feel like she would always be welcome and there would always be space for her. And frankly part of the reason I chose this house is that although the shared living space, which is all downstairs, is small, the kids rooms take up the entire upstairs (along with a bathroom). Their rooms are big and nice, i wanted them to have a nice comfy space they could make their own because while their dad will always have a bigger nicer house, they are always going to have to move every couple years because he's so damn restless. I dont want my daughter to have to share her room, it wouldn't harm her but I just don't want that.

I'm kind of thinking out loud here and so kindly indulge me, lol. If we decided to move in together, IF. The idea I had is to convert the space where the deck currently is into an enclosed, fully heated/cooled, wired into the alarm system sunroom with a nice daybed that would be C's room when she's here and extra space when she's not. This is just my idea ATM. It would give her a private space to Teenage in, give us extra space when she's not there, and add value to the house.

IF. LOL

you made a lot of effort to get to the place you are; it's not been an easy journey. If that is something you want to enjoy and protect then I could certainly understand such.

What Truth said here really resonates with me. This is something I need to sit with for a while. A long while.

Pass, your situation and approach sound very wise. Congratulations on making that step!