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Struggling with advice
taken4granted posted 9/17/2019 06:32 AM
After all we've been through and looking back from the other side of divorce, I find it really hard to give advice to people going through the infidelity nightmare that we all went through. I want to shake them and say if he or she does this or that, they don't love/respect you. I think I'm putting up walls between myself and friends because I realize now that infidelity was a deal breaker for me, and I have a zero tolerance stance. Any advice on how I can kick it down a notch or two if someone is still in that phase of wanting to save their marriage and thinks that there's something they can do to make it better? I'm at a loss. I know for me, I never want to babysit someone that I'm supposed to be intimate with. I'm not their mother. That's not what I want in a partner nor do I want someone that is willing to destroy their family for their own selfish wants and desires and a few ego kibbles.
devotedman posted 9/17/2019 06:40 AM
You say:
I am sorry, but I'm not a good person to ask for advice on how to save a marriage with a cheater. The level of disrespect, unconcern, and abuse shown by cheating makes it a deal-breaker for me. I do know of some books and a great website, however.
EvenKeel posted 9/17/2019 07:21 AM
Any advice on how I can kick it down a notch or two if someone is still in that phase of wanting to save their marriage and thinks that there's something they can do to make it better?I refer folks to SI. I let them for there is a forum here for whichever path they chose and within those forums are lots of folks to help. I have been on about every separate forum during my journey so I know there is a lot of help here.
As for how you can kick it up a notch or two - I remind myself that I have been there. I have been in that place where I wanted to believe him soooo badly despite his actions. There is no shame in that. Many of us hung on wayyyy to long in that situation (hand raised high here). We gave way too many second chances, etc. But hey, we know that we did all we could and it all still didn't work.
Remember you just have to be an ear sometimes. You don't have to agree with what they are doing to show empathy.
And devotedman has a great sentence for you to use if they are looking for more than an ear.
taken4granted posted 9/17/2019 09:36 AM
Thank you. I guess I have a feeling of needing to fix it for friends. As always, this is great place for advice.
HardyRose posted 9/20/2019 17:46 PM
Maybe don’t give advice.
Maybe just try to validate their pain and their reality,
They aren’t sure what is real and what isn’t.
Help them remember they are real.
Let them know you see their pain and it is valid.
Those things help a lot.
JanaGreen posted 9/20/2019 22:38 PM
That's great advice, Hardy Rose.
It's hard for me too, taken4granted, because I feel exactly the same way you do.