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Mom/Dad guilt

TheKarmaTrain posted 8/16/2019 06:35 AM

Anyone dealing with teenagers who give you guilt for having a life outside of them? I have my oldest (14) 100% of the time and she literally polices when I go out to dinner with my friends or spend the day with my boyfriend. The guilt trips are overwhelming. Any suggestions? I've tried mapping out my weeks for her on Sundays so she knows the couple of nights I may be out for a couple hours. That seemed to help until last weekend when I hadn't seen my boyfriend in 2 weeks and spent the day and early evening with him. I checked in with her over text and stopped in once to make sure all was good. I was literally a mile away. Was home by 9:30 because she wanted me home at 10 for a band announcement she was excited about. And still she told me last night I basically abandoned her. Am I doing something wrong here or have I created a co-dependent teenager?! Any help appreciated as I try to navigate these teenage years as a single, full-time working (guilt-ridden) mom!!!

Cheatee posted 8/16/2019 08:01 AM

Dating while parenting is a big challenge.

Even though I managed my dating life when my kids were with my ex, it was still hard on the kids. They are wondering about their status in your life and are looking for signs. Of course, teenagers want autonomy from you while not wanting you to have autonomy from them.

It's hard, but I would advise focusing on your kids at this point and dating when they're not with you. Is their Dad completely out of the picture? They'll be grown and out of the house before you know it. Enjoy them while you can.

TheKarmaTrain posted 8/16/2019 09:05 AM

I have had my 14yo full time for 2 years now. My younger one sees his dad every other weekend and once a week. So really there is not any "no kids" time. I spend an incredible amount of time with them and I love it. But without any adult time or ability to nurture my friendships or spend time with the person I fell in love with I worry I am not going to be a very happy mom...Feel completely torn on how to handle this. Their dad by the way has moved in with his girlfriend and her kids so life is all rainbows and puppies over there

barcher144 posted 8/16/2019 09:24 AM

How do you treat her?

My experience is that most of the time, kids imitate their parents.

Beyond that, she might have some separation anxiety. Divorce can be hard on kids.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/16/2019 15:45 PM

TKT, maybe try inviting her to one of your dates every once in awhile, or involving her. That might ease her a bit.

I use to be the door keeper for my family when my sisters went on dates. I was the younger brother, my mom a lot of times would make my older sisters and their boyfriends take me along. I was the cockblocker!!! But I would also provide feedback and I ended up really liking certain boyfriends who treated me well, and when they did that, they got more alone time with my sisters.

So maybe plan a date where you guys all go to a ball game, or something you daughter might enjoy. If your relationship is serious, she will eventually meet this guy right?

MamaDragon posted 8/16/2019 15:56 PM

Your 14 year old may be acting out because she is afraid you will up and leave her too. You don't say why she doesn't see her Dad but I'm betting she is seeing him move on with his new family and is afraid she will be forgotten by you as well.

Maybe reassure her that you would never put someone in front of her needs- maybe IC for her too?

is she in any after school activities? Hobbies? maybe create a Daughter/Mom day or activities that you can do regularly?

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