SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is it as ugly as I’m hearing??

I’m scared.

Not ready to jump into anything fast, but I’m hearing dating is my 40’s and beyond is pointless.

That was my age when I was dipping my toes in the water.

It is not hopeless!

I spent my early dating years juggling schedules since I did not want to incorporate my dating life with my home/kid life.

There are folks out there looking for all sorts of things from someone just to do stuff with in their free time to folks looking for a committed relationship.

Don't be discouraged.

Ugly? Well, just do your homework (as you would at any age). Make sure the person is who they say they are. Verify it. Watch actions, not words. Take your time with the process. Really think about what you do and don't want going forth, etc.

Are there crazies? Sure - but there are a lot of folks out there in the same boat as you.

I am sure everyone has a different experience based upon location, physical appearance, standards and attitude.

I use Bumble. My area range is 60 miles. My age range is open and I live between two very large cities. I pay extra to see who swiped right. I constantly have over 50 right swipes to look through.

Young guys - we are talking 20s. These are the majority in my right swipe feed. This generation is much more open to it. I dated a couple of them and became close friends with one of them. My friends hated it, but it’s different when a man does it (XWH did for 2.5 years). I did it out of curiosity and it was actually fun.

Perpetual bachelor- these are really good looking men that will never settle on just one woman. You can’t/won’t change them. They are charming, smart, great looking and date multiple women. If they don’t have multiple women, then they are putting their busy job first

Single dads - these men are harmless, but scheduling can be difficult.

So I wouldn’t say it’s pointless - I have made some actual connections and I have only started dating again last April. I have dated a working actor, working singer, jet pilot, naval officer, publishing executive and car sales man, just to name a few. 6’5 was the tallest. Ages 28-52. Have fun and don’t set your expectations high about finding Mr. Perfect.

I haven’t been catfished yet but a lot of men complain that they have by other women. Filters are used by 30 percent

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 4:47 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

WTBH, nobody was more terrified than me of dating, especially of OLD. I know I started a thread or 2 about it. My experience has been brief, but successful so far. I had a brief fling/relationship with a passive intelligent non-threatening man who just wasn't a good fit long-term. Great for getting me back in the game, though.

Then the OLD experience. Some light non-committal messaging, again good for dipping my toes in. Made a platonic (out of age range, among other issues) friend. And then my first actual date...which became a second, third...and almost 3 months later we are still together. Not a nightmare at all for me. He is wonderful. My friends all say God and the universe must have felt I've been through enough and sent me someone good.

I don't know, it's still early, but no red flags, no Spidey sense activation, no unsettled gut. So far so good.

When you are ready, just dive in. And just be true to yourself.

I wouldn't say it is pointless, but you do need to keep expectations in check, be true to yourself and honest with who you are with, watch actions over words, listen to your gut, and look at it as an opportunity to make new friends rather than seeking "the one."

It IS scary if you've been out of the dating game for a long time, but there is something to be said for finding someone that can light your fire enough to let you know your not dead inside after all!

I met my SO organically in my late 40s, and we've been together now for 5.5+ years. Certainly not pointless.

It sucks, but it's not hopeless. Just try to go on dates with no expectations, and have fun.

Single dads - these men are harmless, but scheduling can be difficult.

Thanks....

"

Single dads - these men are harmless, but scheduling can be difficult."

Thanks....

WornDown, you made me laugh out loud!!

Just use common sense and do research. I typically did a google search of their pics and of some of the verbiage in their profile. That allowed me to see if it was a duplicate scammer profile.

If they want to meet, meet somewhere public. Don't go to their house or have them come to yours.

Also, if they say they aren't looking for a relationship, believe them. Too many people go in hoping the person will change their minds. It doesn't matter if they act like they are really into you. Believe their words.

No advice as I'm right with you WanttToBeHappy! I'm 45 and considering trying out OLD in the near future...but I've also heard the horror stories...especially the thought of unwittingly becoming the OW because so many MARRIED creeps are out there trolling!

Meeting someone organically would be ideal but that never seems to happen to me.

I was 44 and it was much different than when I was 24.

I had many, many first dates, some second, a few short relationships.

Then lightening struck and I am now remarried. I think it was possibly a miracle or the universe giving back after all it took from me.

The most important information I can impart up front is this - OLD is not for you if your feelings are easily hurt or you are still feeling fragile. There is a great deal of rejection, and it is just part of the process. Next most important is do your homework - I always got a last name and verified divorce records through county websites. Not to say that there isn't a girlfriend or second wife you don't know about, but at least I didn't want to get dragged in as an OW without doing diligence.

Just remember, a disaster date makes for a great story, especially to your long time married friends

I have dated a working actor, working singer, jet pilot, naval officer, publishing executive and car sales man, just to name a few.

I've also heard the horror stories...especially the thought of unwittingly becoming the OW because so many MARRIED creeps are out there trolling

Yeah, that's not funny at all. My WS, a naval officer, looked at dating profiles. The one I specifically found on his history was for a tall, skinny blonde in the city he was living in for his posting, who specified no married men. Obviously didn't put him off looking, and who knows what else. He's always worn his wedding ring loose, and takes it off at the start of deployment, not putting it on until he gets back, even when everyone around him on run a shores is wearing theirs. Hence no mark on that finger, to alert anyone he meets.

So does everyone check out marital status to the best of their ability?

So does everyone check out marital status to the best of their ability?

I'm sure not everyone does. I'm sure some women think "hey, him cheating is not on me! If he says he's single, my conscience is clear..."

Yeah, that wasn't good enough for me either. I researched and verified the marital status (to the best of my ability) of every man I even messaged (which was maybe 5 total). The ones I couldn't verify I tucked into the "huge red flag" folder of my brain. Those fizzled quickly, anyway, and I never met them.

New SO is 100% single. That was clear very early on as he invited me to his house within the first few weeks, and I met his adult children and extended family at a barbecue shortly after that. Plus all my own research.

I would just be on guard until you can 100% verify. And naturally if he turns out to be married, do not confront him. Just contact his wife, and then ghost and block him.

So does everyone check out marital status to the best of their ability?

I did, but only after I a married man lied to me. He'd said he'd been divorced for 3 years. Told me all about his divorce process. We only went out a few times, but chatted on the phone quite a bit. I got a gut feeling something wasn't right, so I started digging deeper. As it turned out, he'd been married for quite some time and was not divorced. I found his BS and I told her everything.

So does everyone check out marital status to the best of their ability?

I always verified the guy was saying who he said he was. Most times they were - a couple turned out to be otherwise. Like the "Single, catholic guy" who turned out to be very married, atheist looking for a threesome.

I told him "Look, I don't care who you are - just be honest!" What did he think? He could show up to our first date with his wife in tow and I wouldn't care and say "WHY NOT?"

If you have never watched Catfish on MTV, I recommend catching a few episodes. It helped me out GREATLY on how to research a person.

I checked out my SO's divorce timeline on our court website to verify what he was saying when we first met (it matched). I would absolutely do it again if there is ever someone else in my life in the future. I am very much of a "trust but verify" mindset after the lies I endured with Xhole. I seriously doubt that will ever change.

I always wonder about guys who say they meet all these women on OLD...

I've tried, picky onesie-twosie approach, shotgun affect, like them all.. nuclear bomb range affect, and nothing but.. hell, not even crickets have landed on my doorstep.

I'm really starting to get that feeling of being unlovable, undateable, and unfuckable...

I'm really starting to get that feeling of being unlovable, undateable, and ...

I get this same feeling from OLD, and that's why I don't do it. It feels like I am being passively rejected over and over. When I tried OLD, hardly anyone was interested in me...that sucked and did not feel good.

The ones that were interested were liars, mentally unstable, addicts, or just plain weird. Except for one guy that was a gem, but due to a lot of circumstances I could not put the time into it to see if he could have worked out and he lived 6 hours away.

So, no more OLD for me and I feel a lot better about myself without it in my life.

I'm sure not everyone does. I'm sure some women think "hey, him cheating is not on me! If he says he's single, my conscience is clear..."

Geez, I hate ppl. WS thinks AP was a lovely person, innocent of any wrongdoing, and hes not at all ashamed of any of his behavior wrt her, because she was single at the time. Massive trigger.

So an equally massive thanks to the decent ppl who check these things out.

"Single dads - these men are harmless" = my favorite thing I've read on this sight ever.

I'm not quite 40 yet (close), so sorry if my experience seems a little less relevant to the topic, but I want to chime in and talk a little about how much I *love* the dating apps!

Necessary disclaimer: the experience is so different for men than women that it's hardly worth equating the two, probably.

I live in a pretty rural area with slim pickings, and I've still found what I consider to be "success" on all apps. I've certainly had my share of weird encounters with odd people, but even those experience had value in some way.

Yes, guys, you have to swipe right 1,000,000 times to find a few decent matches. But I dunno, it's kinda fun. Like a video game that sometimes ends with making out.