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Do I have a right to be annoyed?

natlou79 posted 4/16/2019 03:02 AM

So basically my ex WH has a girlfriend he now lives with and they have been together nearly 2 years now and it's like they are attached at the hip. Anyway I have had no issues with her at all and was pleased she is around sometimes however my ex gets her doing majority of the "parenting" things my eldest has said.

So this weekend (my weekend with my children) I recieved a call from my ex and I answer. He asked to speak with them so put my eldest on. As soon as I had done this his girlfriend came on the phone telling my daughter she is now home from her 3 day holiday and has a surprise for them, my daughter is obviously excited by this. ( my ex has the kids on Tuesday).She then went on to tell her we have a new pet hamster..his girlfriend said oh wow,we will get some fish at the weekend. Not once did my ex speak to her apart from goodbye.

Everything is a surprise or we have a secret and she buys my kids toys/clothes all.the time.

Am I being pathetic being so annoyed by this..its really bothered me and just left me feeling rubbish and thinking of everything that happened again:((

Bobbi_sue posted 4/16/2019 05:57 AM

You have a right to feel annoyed but I don't think there is much to be done about it. At least, so far, he has passed his parental obligations to someone who appears to be nice.


My DS got marrried a year ago. He never was Dad of the year, and has always been happy to pass the obligations and work of parenting to somebody else (their mother, me, or just let them run and mostly watch themselves if he was the one totally left in charge). There is no changing somebody like that. But in my case the new step mom has no clue what kids need, especially a 9 and 10 year old who have some unique issues, some may be natural and others may stem from the ugly divorce and immature parents fighting after the D. In any case, she is downright mean to the kids and DS does not step in to protect them; in fact he supports whatever she says and does.

Cheatee posted 4/16/2019 09:15 AM

As Bobbi_Sue said you are right to be annoyed, but it would help you to find peace with it. Don't worry that your children will see her as a Mom. They never will. She might end up being a very nice adult in their lives, a stepmom even, but you are their Mom. There's no amount of hamsters, fish, clothing that can change that.

josiep posted 4/16/2019 10:06 AM

Th problem with this situation is, and I'm no professional and this is just me reading into it with my own biases and extreme wisdom gathered due to my advanced age, I think the AP is trying to endear herself to him by becoming indispensable to him in taking care of his children. The sad thing is, he doesn't care who takes care of his kids or, perhaps at time, even IF they are cared for beyond the basic minimum.

So when he inevitably dumps her (her behaving like a mother and wife might push him into the arms of someone new and exciting), your children will miss her and have to process another breakup in their innocent minds that still believe a promise is important.

This isn't advice of any kind, it's just musing about how this might go. And yes, you are very entitled to be annoyed. What could be more annoying than to find out you've provided your children with a lousy father who will probably never get it and who will continue to ignore the kids and let his latest in a long string of paramours fill in his parent role. In fact, I think "annoyed" is much too soft of a word. It's downright infuriating.

But, there's nothing you can do so just keep being the great Mom and let the kids deal with their relationship with him.

Furious1 posted 4/16/2019 11:39 AM

Yes, you have every right to feel however it is that you feel. If you feel annoyed, you have every right to feel annoyed.

In reading this, I see this as a train wreck waiting to happen. Sooner or later, your kids will tire of the GF running interference whenever they are expecting or wanting to spend time with their father. As your kids grow older, the entire surprise/secret angle will most likely become very annoying to them as well.

I may be off the mark, but it sounds like the GF views all of this as some kind of competition. The whole you have a hamster so we will get fish is strange and it almost sounds like she is trying to buy their affection.

If it were me, I would teach the kids that adults asking you to keep a secret is a red flag. Not to alarm you, but abusers routinely groom children into keeping secrets by using rewards for them keeping those secrets or by withholding those rewards whenever they don't keep the secrets. I'm not saying that the GF is abusive at all, but I am saying that the entire grooming them to keep secrets is entirely inappropriate at best.

F1

natlou79 posted 4/16/2019 14:12 PM

Thankyou for your replies. I now feel I'm.not a complete psycho! Lol

I guess that is a huge worry for me that my children turn round and say they dont want to live with me anymore...it would actually break my heart. My 4 year old son said this to me on Sunday because he knows he has a surprise waiting for him and wanted it there and then and not have to wait for it. Obviously he doesnt understand but still it did hurt me.

I'm just trying my hardest to be the best parent I can be and tell them all the time that money and gifts arent everything and that being surrounded by the ones we love is most important.

nomudnolotus posted 4/16/2019 20:10 PM

Why does he need to speak to the kids on your days? Unless this is in the parenting plan I would put a stop to this. This would stop the whole secret/surprise thing.

nomudnolotus posted 4/16/2019 20:12 PM

If it were me, I would teach the kids that adults asking you to keep a secret is a red flag. Not to alarm you, but abusers routinely groom children into keeping secrets by using rewards for them keeping those secrets or by withholding those rewards whenever they don't keep the secrets. I'm not saying that the GF is abusive at all, but I am saying that the entire grooming them to keep secrets is entirely inappropriate at best.

I agree with this, nobody should be teaching your children it's okay to have secrets from their parents. She may just be trying to buy them, but something more sinister could happen later and they've already been groomed for this.

natlou79 posted 4/17/2019 03:14 AM

He doesn't usually call them. Even if hes on a long trip away with work he very rarely does. This is another reason why its annoyed me as I just see it as another way of mind games because it was his girlfriend and not him speaking.

They have come home after being with dad and have told me the surprise was just little trinkets from her being away on a hen weekend..it easily could have waited till then

HalfTime2017 posted 4/17/2019 17:02 PM

Natlou, it is annoying, but there isnt much you can do about it. Sounding off here is about it, but if you were to sound off to a judge, you'd come off as the crazy one.

Your kids will grow out of this phase of surprises and will need stability and a good mom. That won't change, and it sounds like you are.

I agree with some of the others that the kids may be hurt of your WH dumps her b/c she becomes boring, but at the very least she treats your kids well. As a parent, that is very important to us all, and it at least sounds like she has a vested interest in them. On the flip, you'd also be pissed if she was a Cruella type with your kids too.

shakentocore posted 4/18/2019 06:28 AM

Annoying yes, but be happy that someone in that household is interested in your kids and nice to them. It would suck for them if the kids didnít feel special and wanted.

You canít control your XH. You can control if he calls to interrupt during your time (unless that is part of your agreement). If dad buys fish, they stay at dads house. If he breaks up with gf handle that at the time.

shakentocore posted 4/18/2019 06:28 AM

Annoying yes, but be happy that someone in that household is interested in your kids and nice to them. It would suck for them if the kids didnít feel special and wanted.

You canít control your XH. You can control if he calls to interrupt during your time (unless that is part of your agreement). If dad buys fish, they stay at dads house. If he breaks up with gf handle that at the time.

JoyfulMourning posted 4/18/2019 22:49 PM

Your annoyance could be a sign of your mommy spidey senses tingling. You stated that you have had no issues with her and was pleased she was around, so apparently it's not personal.

Perhaps its the way the trinkets are given out like Scooby snacks for pet training and the unnecessary secrecy element. I'm not suggesting anything sinister but children can be easily persuaded to like you and be loyal. In the times we live in encouraging children to share ongoing secrets with adults is not safe. She may just be trying to win them over and impress their dad but she's doing it in a way that makes them vulnerable to less trustworthy people.

The other thing is that you never know what your ExWH is saying or implying to her about your parenting, or her lack of parenting skills, to get her to try harder and jump higher with the kids. It appears as though he's still playing covert mind games and creating the typical triangulation that some waywards love to be a part of.

I'm not trying to be negative or incite bad feeling for you.

I'd put my money on your well honed instincts. Something is off and it probably has a simple fix.

Lastly, I have no doubt he's grooming her to be his supreme narcissistic supply and unfortunately create the same messiness for her that he did in your life.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/20/2019 13:51 PM

Yeah, I hate stuff like that too- I hated it when xhís son would come to spend the summer with us and his Mom would call telling him all the stuff she bought him. (At 15, she called to tell him she bought him a truck! ) It made him want to leave early. Iím not sure those people do it on purpose, but it used to bug me, too.

Donít say a word to your xh or kids, though. I made that mistake with my kids when xh and I got D, and then I didnít hear about anything for a while.

Also, I thought for sure the kids would want to go live with their Dad and OW eventually. They have a nice boat, 4 wheelers, etc. My D friends said to keep being the person the kids could count on, NEVER give up my weekends/extended time w the kids, take them places when I could afford it, etc. About age 15, one son mentioned it. I suggested he visit Dad for a month b4 deciding. (I was inside). Didnít tell Dad it was a test, btw. He went for like a week and came home. Too many games being played, too much fighting, etc. I really gave us a calm home.

(Natlou)

natlou79 posted 6/5/2019 14:25 PM

Yes my spidey senses are well and truly burning at the moment seems my exwh has handed majority ofmparenting over to her which includes: picking up and dropping them off at home, taking them for swimming lessons and also having them over his weekend while he works! The past few weeks I have been having a little difficulty with bedtimes with my youngest with lots of tears and he said but mummy (Charlotte exwh partner) sleeps in my bed till I go too sleep..I'm feeling rather frustrated about this as now I know I'm going to be having to have a discussion about it all and that be needs to be stepping up as their daddy but know hes going to love the fact I'm not happy

EvenKeel posted 6/5/2019 15:09 PM

...that be needs to be stepping up as their daddy
The relationship he builds (or burns down) with your children is on him. He is a grown man so you do not need to tell him to 'step up'. He knows that and is opting not to because that is how his character is.

I am sorry because we want nothing more for our children to have strong and healthy relationships with their parents. But not everyone is capable.

As for the GF - try not to let it get to you. When I was at that stage, I would ask two questions (Do you like her and is she nice to you). If those were good, I stayed out of it.

Turns out one of the GFs was a MUCH better parent to my kids than their own father (shocker). How sad is that!??!

I kept telling myself that a child can't have too many people in their corner. So if you do believe this GF is operating from a good-heart place, I would focus on that.

So sorry natlou!

northeasternarea posted 6/5/2019 15:16 PM

You can only set the rules in your home. And it really sucks. I wouldn't talk to him about it at all. Just make sure your children understand and follow the rules set up for your house. ((Hugs))

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