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Just Found Out :
Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 8:05 AM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

Yeah picking her up in 4hours... hoping hes not going to be at the house!

Hes definitely not talking to OW the way he was so I've not been able to see if they have been talking or if they've stopped! He's also deleted all our messages, not sure why :/ deleting me from his life I guess :(

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
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babbu ( member #48847) posted at 10:03 AM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

He's deleting the evidence.

posts: 268   ·   registered: Aug. 6th, 2015
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 10:58 AM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

1 hour to go, and he will most likely be there :(

Yeah I thought that eith the deleting of my messages but they're still on my side so the evidence is still there :/

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 2:58 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

I meant the communications with your mum, agreeing that they are just companions. How do you know that?

With the time difference I expect you have now weathered this storm... how did it go?

((((((((Bluebox))))))))

[This message edited by Odonna at 9:01 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8401696
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 3:14 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

Because my mum and dad had a chat, and my mum text my sister saying they had agreed their companions.

I have just got home, it took me until we were on the way home before i managed to tell her. I purposefully went somewhere 30 mins away to give extra time together so i had ample opportunity. But i asked what he's told her as to why we aren't talking, he's lied to her, but we knew that, i said thats not true so she was like oh ok whats the truth then. I just said its because i found out he was having an affair... she was like Oh right... i said he's made it difficult for me to work with him and want to talk to him because i couldn't morally go along with what i knew he'd said and done.

She's more worried about me and what he's going to do to me when he finds out i've told her. Kept asking if im 100% sure. So i said yes i've got evidence, and photos of that evidence, plus he also admitted it to me when i confronted him.

She asked me what i wanted her to do... Said she's got alot of thinking to do, that she's been so naive, shes angry hes lied to her, and that he's put me in this position. Said he'll probably kick me out when he finds out ive told her.

Said certain things make sense now, they fit into place. She said she may go visit OW in the hospital, or she may put a post on facebook :/ My sister spoke to her on the phone, said she believes me 100%, she's angrier that he's lied, but she is also upset.

He's already told my mum he can out source all my work to others. So yeah she's definitely more worried about me, and what he's going to put me through going forward.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
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ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 3:23 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

He's already told my mum he can out source all my work to others. So yeah she's definitely more worried about me, and what he's going to put me through going forward.

THIS IS SO BEYOND FUCKED UP. Cheating aside, there is zero reason why YOUR FATHER should be punishing YOU for HIS actions.

Bluebox, I'm so mad on your behalf. THIS IS NOT HOW A PARENT SHOULD BE TREATING THEIR CHILD!!!!!

If HE'S not doing anything wrong, then there should be no need for lies and secrecy. But he KNOWS what HE is doing is wrong and is hurting other people!

He should be groveling at YOUR FEET for an apology for putting you through this.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 9:23 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 4:39 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

Today was a long time coming. But you handled everything right and now it is up to others to do the same.

I am especially sorry that your dad’s character has proven to be so defective. People who cheat are already broken, but taking his gaslighting to the extreme of telling everyone that you are just paranoid and do not know what you know says something is fundamentally very wrong with him. I am so sorry. We always want to respect our parents. This is a huge loss for you; even bigger than the affair.

Is your mother strong enough to set boundaries and consequences? Is she susceptible to rug-sweeping? Will you enlist your uncle and aunt to help her now?

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:40 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
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Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 4:49 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

Your dad is going to have to reach rock bottom before he is shocked into realizing his responsibility in destroying his family. He chose an adolescent crush over your mom and the kids. You have done nothing wrong, stayed true to your own integrity and tried to protect your mom.

I would be proud to call you daughter, sister or friend. Stay strong.

posts: 1080   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 5:03 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

Thanks everyone. My mum has said she will move out slowly, she wants to make sure she gets everything so that when she leaves she doesn't have to go back.

When i said he had said they havent had a sexual relationship for 9 years she just laughed and said 'is that what he told you?!' so as suspected that was a lie.... Lie lie lie lie every day :(

He's just lost another 2 members of his business club, i feel so sorry for him, it's breaking my heart. I feel better now my mum and sisters know, the hardest conversations of my life done, but i'm terrified of the next few months.

My mum doesn't want me to go to my aunt and uncle, she wants to handle it, with the help of me and my sisters, she did mention speaking with my dad. But i get the impression she wants to keep quiet for now and find her own evidence to confront him with so she doesn't drop me in it and also to start moving her stuff to my sisters

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 6:00 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

I know you were worried about her possibly being suicidal. Are you still concerned? From your descriptions she sounds very strong and self-possessed.

Do you think she would go to IC? Given her alcohol issues AA also would be a good idea. Maybe she can make this a catalyst to really change her life?

Is she moving in with the older sister and grandkids? Is the younger sister still in denial or can she be a source of help and support for your mum?

[This message edited by Odonna at 12:01 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 6:26 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

Yeah all 3 of us girls and my mum are going to stand by each other I think with my younger sister it was all because it was happening on her birthday. She did ring my older sister the next day to learn the truth.

I think my mum is stronger than I thought she would be and I honestly think ince shes away from him, she'll be happier in her life and not feel the need to drink as much. I tried to get her to join a local weightless group with me about a month ago but she said no shes not ready. I still joined in the hope she might still join as thatll help her get off the wine and to feel better about herself.

Shes undecided where she will go, but I think to my grans at first. She will just store her stuff at my sisters before it becomes common knowledge of what's going on

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 6:57 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

My mums just text me saying hes denied it, and said I'm sick of arguing with you about this... she said ironically they've not argued about OW in fact my mum has helped him support her!

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

Your dad is lashing out in order to deflect the accusations. Your mum sounds pretty sharp, however, and she knows him better than anyone.

I really hope he mans-up and tells the truth and accepts responsibility. That would be the best thing if he wants to salvage his relationships with all of you. Maybe your mum could put that to him calmly? Even though she has not seen your proof herself, she knows you have it. She asked you multiple times if you were 100% sure and now believes you are. So his denials are only going to motivate her to ask to see the evidence, and that may not be good for her. He definitely should not be creating conditions that push her in that direction.

[This message edited by Odonna at 1:40 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 7:46 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

She has asked me if I know his laptop password... it never had a password before. I've suggested his normal ones but said he deletes everything so probably wont find anything anyway. But it shows shes determined to find evidence without involving me and mine. I told her I have evidence that proves it, but hasnt asked to see any

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 8:25 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

Your mum has to be the leader in this now, and it sounds like she doing just that! You are a wonderful daughter, both to her and , ironically, your father, who you tried so desperately to put back on the right path.

Is OW back in the hospital again?

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 8:47 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2019

She is back home now, but he seems to be staying away from her so I'm wondering if they have called it off. Who knows!

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 7:21 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2019

How have you been doing the last few days? How is your mum?

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:56 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2019

Share this site with your mother. Tell her to join so we can help her. Show her this thread. I dont think there is anything you have written that would hurt her,aside from the obvious. I agree, she sounds stronger than you thought. Reading about your father's treatment of her baby will move her right past pain to anger. Anger is good. It gets things done.

posts: 4666   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 8:40 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2019

Got together with my mum and sisters today, and i went and saw my aunt and uncle yesterday, aswel as my gran (mums mum) as my mum has told her entire side of the family. I can tell my mum is going to be okay, most likely will be happier with her life once she's moved out. She plans to move out by the end of the week.

Him on the other hand, he's still denying it :( saying they are just good friends who like spending time together. It's not sexual etc. He's completely dismissing it when my mum tries to talk to him about it.

I feel so anxious about going into work tomorrow, but I know i haven't done anything wrong so if he comes for me and gets nasty i'll just leave. But i'm feeling so sorry for him, for what people think about him for what his future holds. Both my mum and me have said we don't want people to attack him, and we're worried where he's going to end up.

Now it's out, i feel more gentle towards him, i've actually been defending his corner where i can because the thought of him loosing everything and everyone really does break my heart. I hope we can get past this and quickly before the damage becomes irreparable.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 9:00 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2019

You really are a sweet person Blue! I hope your new BF realizes what a gem you are!

Your father may keep up his denials, but really, wouldn't you all respect him a lot more if he just owned up to what he did?

Good luck tomorrow and let us know how things go. The drama isn’t over yet, but your mum knows and is in charge of her life now. Thanks to you!

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8402747
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