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Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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Bluebox posted 4/9/2019 13:12 PM

I never expected to be back looking for help, guidance, an ear to bend, a shoulder to lean on but i find myself here,again, but this time its a whole new problem!

I share an office with my dad, and he has let a woman use some of our office building for her 'home' business, isn't charging her etc and they seem to be getting closer and closer. Theres been a couple of times shes come into his office not realising i was there and has sat on his chair, and the other day went to go sit on his lap!

I have been through my partner (now ex) cheating on me, i know all the signs my ex was cheating on my for 3yrs before it all came out fully, although i pretty much knew the whole time. I seem to be the go to person when my friends are suspicious of their husbands so i am fairly experienced in it all! Unfortunately :(

Well i've seen messages between my dad and this woman that cross the line :'( with the most recent being yesterday where she messaged him saying she was writing the 3rd part of something for him whilst on the train and it was turning her on too much the coffee guy on the train asked her if she was ok as she was so flushed... I confronted him, well tried to, about a week or so ago but got so emotional i could barely speak through the tears. All i managed to say is she needs to back off, i don't like it, he denied it of course but wasn't shocked by me suggesting there was something going on!

Well now he deletes all their messages, i'm a bit of a wizz on computers and have seen (and photographed) a few messages before he's had chance to delete them. Including ones today where she says she's missing him (shes away on a course) and he said 'i know sweetheart, me too' then deleted it :/

I know she is going through a divorce and recently lost her job, and my dad from the outside looking in looks to be well off, but he definitely isn't.

I don't know what to do, i don't have solid proof they have physically crossed the line but if i did i can't tell my mum as she is mentally already in a bad place and has been for a while. She drinks alot and has said she has nothing to look forward to in life, and i'm worried this will push her over the edge. She only works part time so couldn't support herself financially, plus theyre both 60. OW is 41 :/

If it all came out my dad would loose my 2 sisters for sure including his 2 grandchildren. I feel i have no choice but to still speak to him as we work together, if i was to cut him off i would loose my job :( My head is wurling non stop and i can't go through all this betrayal again :(

Robert22205https posted 4/9/2019 13:19 PM

sent you a pm

The1stWife posted 4/9/2019 13:45 PM

He knows you know exactly what is going on.

Maybe you confront the OW and tell her to leave now or you will make her life very unpleasant. And be prepared to do it. And tell her that your DAD has no money and if she tries anything you will take legal action.

The1stWife posted 4/9/2019 13:46 PM

And don’t put anything in writing to the OW.

And if she says anything to your dad - deny it. Just like he does with his Affair.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:04 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

MamaDragon posted 4/9/2019 13:59 PM

Remind your Dad how hurt you were when your ex cheated on you.

Remind your Dad how he would not appreciate someone doing to you what he is doing to your Mum.

Remind him that he has a lot to lose, not just his marriage but the respect you have for him

(in the meantime, gather enough evidence to prove your point to someone other than your Dad)

Then give him a deadline to come clean to your Mother, or you will show her the proof you have gathered. It will hurt like hell to do this to your Mom but she deserves to know & choose how she is going to live her life. I'd want to know (incidentally, it was my kid that made an innocent statement that led to my discovery!)

If the OW has a spouse or significant other - forward all the proof to them as well.

It is a shitty situation but your Dad might be having a mid life crisis and is eating up the ego kibbles of a younger woman's attention. You bringing this up and in his face might be the shock he needs before it goes farther (if it hasn't already)

Either way - your Mum needs to be told. Be strong for your Mum and direct her here,

HUGE HUGS

beauchateaux posted 4/9/2019 14:02 PM

Ugh I'm so sorry you're being forced to confront this.

The thing is, no matter what happens from here on out, he's already put you in an almost impossible situation. You either have to bear the burden of secrecy alone for the rest of your life, or you have to drop a bomb in the middle of your family unit. If nothing else, this is why I would personally feel the need to confront him again - to make sure he understands just how selfish and messed up it is that he chose to carry on like this right in front of your face. Obviously he hasn't taken the time to consider your feelings, the potential consequences of his daughter knowing what's going on - or else he just doesn't care enough. Yet.

What's your relationship with your father on a normal day, outside of this mess? Are you close? What's his relationship with your mother like - you said she's in a bad place, but what about their marriage? I'm only asking because on some level, it'll dictate how you should approach him.

I definitely don't think you should just pretend it's not going on, though. It'll eat you up inside, and it's not your responsibility to protect him from reaping the consequences of his own crappy choices.

Again, so sorry this happened to you.

Bluebox posted 4/9/2019 14:57 PM

Thank you for your responses thus far. Non of my family know about my ex and his affairs as I never wanted them to feel negative towards him. I hate people hating other people, I was abused by my uncle as a teenager and no one in the family knows as I dont want to upset anyone, I'd rather just carry the burden myself. I think it's time my dad learns my past and to why I'm so in tune with the signs.

I just dont think I could tell my mum, my boyfriend (new guy, who is everything I've always wanted in a man and I know will not cheat because of his past controlling relationships etc) says not to speak to OW and agrees not tell my mum, but does say I should speak to my dad again. I just feel more like I need to say something to OW as I've warned him once already. Just something like stop the affair with my dad or I'll ruin your life and just walk off before she has time to react lol. But I know I'm not brave enough and far too much of an emotional wreck with confrontation! It's why my ex got away with what he did for so long, I dont do confrontation!

Because I work with my dad I see him every day and we get on fine, for the most part, obviously not 100% every single day but yeah normal.

As for their marriage, they always tell each other they love the other, but he moans to me about her drinking and depression and not knowing how to help her, and she moans to me about him with his never thinking about anyone else but himself :/ they dont sleep in the same bed very much any more because my dad is a loud snorer and my mum is an insomniac so neither get a proper nights sleep when together.

It's only been a few weeks and already the old feelings are back full force from when I went through it, I find myself obsessing over it and constantly checking their messages etc.

She added me as a friend on Facebook 2 days ago, so yesterday I did a post saying how much I love my parents and how we'll always have each other etc and loads of photos of my mum and dad together... dont think she liked it very much ha ha

OptionedOut posted 4/9/2019 15:01 PM

I'd talk to your dad. Don't let him off the hook. Tell him you have proof. That he's a horrible person for not only cheating on your mom, but what he's doing to you, too. He is flaunting this. He is also putting you in a situation to have to betray your mom when HE is betraying her, too.

Tell him he tells or you will do the right thing and do it yourself.

I'd also send proof to the OW's stbx for ammo. She deserves it.

Cooley2here posted 4/9/2019 15:05 PM

Since you have a hard time with confrontation write it out or send him a detailed email. Let him read what happened to you and let him think about what he is doing to you by this behavior. If you write it out it will give you time to put into words exactly what he needs to hear and see.

beauchateaux posted 4/9/2019 15:25 PM

Since you have a hard time with confrontation write it out or send him a detailed email. Let him read what happened to you and let him think about what he is doing to you by this behavior. If you write it out it will give you time to put into words exactly what he needs to hear and see.

This is a good idea. Especially if you don't like confrontation - this is more likely to get your message across clearly and completely, and cause you less anxiety.

Forget the OW - she doesn't feel she owes you anything, clearly (and some would argue she doesn't, beyond basic human decency), but your father does. I think your dealings should be with him.

You mentioned you had sisters? If you're worried about your mother's mental health and what a revelation like this would do to her, and if one of the big potential consequences of his affair is losing access to his daughters/grandkids, maybe that's the option you should present him with - either cut this off and stop forcing me to be party to what I consider morally reprehensible behavior, or I go to my sisters and we will figure out how to get mom out of this situation without you and your input.

ibonnie posted 4/9/2019 15:26 PM

You can't control anything anyone else does -- not your dad, not the OW, not your mom, not your siblings.

The only thing you CAN do is choose to be complicit in the affair or not. What happens if he decides to leave your mom for the OW and he tells the family, "well Bluebox has known since April, and she's been okay with it." How would you feel then?

Is it at all possible that your mom's drinking/poor mental health is because your dad's a serial cheater? Maybe she knows more than you realize. Honestly, I think you should talk to her first, and find out how she would like you to proceed.

Otherwise...you've been on SI for five years. You should have read enough posts to know how this sort of thing goes -- affairs thrive in secrecy, but not so much when exposed.

And exposing to EVERYONE -- family, friends, even OBS (does he know the reason for their divorce is actually your dad? And not whatever excuse she probably gave of "growing apart," or "ILYBINILWY") will give your dad and the OW a harsh dose of reality.

No, exposing is not going to be easy, but quite often the "right" thing to do isn't. If you can't confront in person (understandable), I think you should write one short email, attach any proof that you have, and then email your dad, OW and siblings. It doesn't have to be long just,

"Dad,

This relationship with OW is completely inappropriate and is hurting our family. Deep down, you have to realize that, otherwise you wouldn't be hiding your relationship with her.

I cannot, in good conscious, remain silent and complicit in your affair. I love you, but this is wrong.

-
Bluebox"

manofintegrity posted 4/9/2019 15:53 PM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:41 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

annb posted 4/9/2019 16:20 PM

Please do not cover for your boyfriend, your uncle, OR your dad.

Right now you are complicit in ALL of their disgusting, vile behavior.

Expose them. All of them.

Gentl, you are allowing them to go on with life as if they did nothing wrong, and without a doubt they (all of them) will get away with hurting someone else.

1Faith posted 4/9/2019 16:33 PM

My simple mantra 101


"Do the right thing for the right reasons..."

Is it complicated? Yes!

Is it hard? Yes!

Is it the right thing to do? Yes!

You know this so tell your mom - OMG - she deserves to know.

I am so sorry that you are in this position but be true to yourself. Be the person that is honest and true.


(((hugs)))

Bluebox posted 4/10/2019 06:50 AM

Will try and answer your questions as best I can:

Thats the thing I don't have solid proof, I am watching out for it now though and once i have proof i can use that to show him i aint messing about.

The OW split from her husband before she met my dad so her ex husband has nothing to do with any of this. He left her from what i've heard. Then she lost her job too.

Yeah i think the writing it out is going to be the best way for me, its not going to a nice environment in the office though obviously but needs must!

He knows i'm not ok with it after I tried to confront him about it and broke down. And if i find the solid evidence i need he'll certainly know i'm not ok with it!

I never wanted anyone thinking bad of my ex as i always hoped we'd get back together :/ (stupidly i know, especially now i've seen the light!!) And if my family had known at the time they'd never had let me get back with him. His consequences is he's now stuck in an unhappy relationship as the newest OW got pregnant on purpose to keep him lol he's completely miserable too and they've just bought a house, with soon after he lost his high paying job! Can anyone say Karma!

There is no point outing what my uncle did to me, he's dead, got cancer and passed away. All it would cause is anger and upset with no point. Would destroy my grandma who's in her 90s and she's not in the best of health as it is. Somethings are just better kept dead and buried.

Once I have the proof its more than flirty friends i'll confront the pair of them via email, tell them it ends now or i make it public! I just don't see my dad being able to do anything physical with her, he's not in the best shape :/

Edie posted 4/10/2019 07:06 AM

Hmmmm... does she have any access to the firm’s financial affairs in either her job or otherwise? Sounding a bit like a gold-digger to me. Seeking the sinecure of a new financially secure partner/ sugar daddy or whatever. Perhaps your letter could point out he’s not the first fool to fall for the obsequious charms of a gold digger. As she’s not trustworthy and he likewise, I do feel it best to keep the information about your uncle’s abuse of you to yourself at the moment, for your grandma’s sake - otherwise I’d be wondering whether if telling him might jolt him out of his affair, and see how sleazy it sounds (on his lap in the office, ugh!)

You’re protecting a lot of people and I commend you for your care. i hope you’re looking after yourself as well.

Re your mum’s depression and drinking, is she getting any help with either condition? Have you yourself considered attending Al-anon to help you cope?

Bluebox posted 4/10/2019 07:15 AM

She doesn't have access to the financials, if she did she'd realise he's in debt and although he looks successful he isn't, yet! We are finally starting to build our business to where we had wanted it a few years ago but we had to loose everything and start from fresh, we are finally on the right side of it but not there yet.

Thank you Edie, Having felt the pain cheating causes i really want to avoid putting my mum and sisters through that. But obviously if i have to I have to, but I need to be sure as its such a big event to shatter a family, if im wrong...

My mum has recently started going to a councillor i believe, i think she's embarrassed about it but when i went when my ex was putting me through another affair it really helped me. She's had treatment from the doctors for her drinking but it's failed twice so they are reluctant to try again. She's admitted to me it would probably take her having Liver issues for her to finally get her life sorted, but then says whats the point though when there's nothing to look forward too :( I haven't considered AI-Anon actually, maybe it would help me help her though, will look into it

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/10/2019 07:38 AM

I'm sorry your dad has put you in this situation. That is absolutely unacceptable.

You do have proof of cheating. At the least, it's an EA. That's so damaging to a M, especially when one partner has mental health and substance abuse issues.

If it were me, I'd confront my dad and the OW. I don't have a problem with confrontation, though.

Wool94 posted 4/10/2019 08:10 AM

Bluebox, my heart aches for you.

MamaDragon posted 4/10/2019 08:17 AM

It sounds as if you are partners in business with your dad - can you tell him you want her to NOT use your office space for her home business?

A home business is just that - at home.

The more an affair is kept hidden, the more likely it will continue. I urge you to NOT wait for positive proof, because in truth you have proof - it is at least an EA.

How did he meet her and agree to letting her use the office space? He had to have met her prior to her moving into the space.

Tell your Mom, she deserves to know your suspicions - and since writing it out would be best, do that with your dad - you can also tell him you have a copy of the letter that you will give to your Mom if he doesn't cease any interactions with this lady.

She has already proven she has no boundaries and I bet her husband left bc she was not a nice person (speculating but I bet this is not her first rodeo on the affair circuit)

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