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So...an update

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ZenMumWalking posted 3/3/2019 13:38 PM

Congrats on all the good things lilies and FUCK YOU Earl.


Braveyogi posted 3/3/2019 16:42 PM

hi lilies21 - I do remember you. Congratulations on all of the wonderful successes in your new life. DS sounds like a beacon of joy and what a heartening feeling to have a good job, a raise and your own garage!
I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and am holding you in my heart. You may want to check out Dr. Bernie Siegel's book Love, Medicine, and Miracles - about his transformational work as an oncologist and the lessons he and his patients learned to face cancer. Sending warm hugs to you from a fellow Midwesterner.

[This message edited by Braveyogi at 4:42 PM, March 3rd (Sunday)]

lizgwvet posted 3/3/2019 23:12 PM

Earl sucks!!!
Great news on all other fronts.

nothisfriend posted 3/4/2019 08:11 AM

I've been missing you lilies!

So glad you posted to share your news, both good and bad. Earl is my fave Dixie Chicks song and today I'll be singing it in your honor.

I think I agree with telling DS about your illness. Maybe it can be done without the C word? I think the nurses may be able to help you with the best approach.

So, where do I send the casserole?

SMSA925 posted 3/5/2019 16:44 PM

Lilies it's good to hear from you. I consider us to be classmates, or alumni. You are a success story.

If I remember that song correctly, didn't Earl need to die? Good job at accomplishing that.

I am now living over 1000 miles away from family and friends. Just me and my doggie! A little daunting but its paradise. Just a couple things that saved me a few weeks ago when I was alone and stranded (car trouble). Amazon brought me groceries! I needed eggs and bread and boom! (I really shouldnt have ordered those brownies) And DoorDash brought me dinner! There's an app for almost everything. So if your head ever gets stuck on that pillow and you need to get bailed out for a day there are many resources available now.

Best wishes, you are in our prayers. Remember spring is on the horizon and that kayak is waiting.

lilies21 posted 3/6/2019 15:35 PM

Thanks again, everyone. Your posts make me cry...in a good way . I think I'm going to tell DS this weekend. I don't feel like by not telling him yet that I've been lying to him but rather protecting him. He's an anxious worrier (a couple of the traits I wish he hadn't gotten from me) and I don't want it to distract him from school and everything else he enjoys. But I know it's better to explain it before he notices. I'll have to let his teacher know too...do I tell Asshat? Crap. I do. The adult way of looking at it is for them to know so they can support DS in any way he needs but yeah...Asshat hasn't gotten any better at being a father these past months. It will just be better for DS for it to not come from DS.

Yep, the condo is home. It may not be the home I imagined we would have but itís a nice, comfortable, quiet, safe place and thatís what counts. Itís really the nicest place I have ever lived. I still worry about how Iím going to handle school for DS in a few years when he ages out of daycare but Iíll deal with it when it comes.


Thank you for your post, NEPAlady! And yes, definitely going to kick Earl's ass .

Thanks for the book recommendation, Braveyogi!

So, where do I send the casserole?

I've actually been making and freezing a bunch of meals ahead of time since I don't know what all is in store. That said...pizza delivery is still a good go-to.

If I remember that song correctly, didn't Earl need to die?

Yep, and that's the plan .

Thanks for the suggestions, SMSA925! We have quite a few Door Dash-type companies around here too so getting food if I don't feel like cooking shouldn't be an issue.

Thanks again, everyone.

deena04 posted 3/6/2019 21:54 PM

Support and good vibes your way! Kick Earl to the curb!

hopeandnohope posted 3/7/2019 22:17 PM

Sorry about Earl. I also was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was about a year after DD and right after I finally had proof it was a PA.

Nobody in my family had any type of cancer so I googled and a Finnish study found a strong relationship between women whose husbands left them, or cheated, and breast cancer. All the crazy lies, emotional devastation and turning our lives upside down does affect our health.

If you are Hers2 positive, and need a year of herceptin infusions, go to their Web site and get help with your deductible. Not sure what chemo or radiation was but herceptin was over $9,000 every three weeks.

I was going through an ugly divorce and can't remember much about the cancer treatment. Early detection is key. You're in my prayers.

I've enjoyed reading your devotion to your son. You are a very good mother! Raising my kids was the best joy in my life and I recognize that in you.

Did you ever post a picture after refinishing your cabinets? I bet they turned out wonderful.

Vogel posted 3/8/2019 00:20 AM

Hi lilies, I was thinking about you and wondering how you and DS are. Thanks for the update. Lots of good news and one not so good. Sorry to hear about Earl but he picked the wrong lady!! Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

lilies21 posted 3/8/2019 13:31 PM

Thank you for the replies and support.

a Finnish study found a strong relationship between women whose husbands left them, or cheated, and breast cancer. All the crazy lies, emotional devastation and turning our lives upside down does affect our health.

Ah, that truly makes it the gift that keeps on giving....

Nope, I haven't gotten to my cabinets yet but thanks for asking! I kept putting it off until it was supposed to be a winter project, now a spring project, and now I just cover the cabinets up with DS's drawings since the cabinets are still ugly

[This message edited by lilies21 at 1:32 PM, March 8th (Friday)]

josiep posted 3/9/2019 20:51 PM

I was so happy to see you posting again because it's just about a year since your big adventure of coming to FLA with just your DS and I was hoping to hear that you were coming again. So I was very sad to hear about Earl.

But once you kick him to the curb, you're welcome to come on down here and hang out with me anytime. You might need some R&R but if not, and you're up to it, we'll go kayaking off my dock in the little cove right here.

Was glad to hear about DS doing so well and your job promotion and paying the car off. I'm not sure you need to tell Asshat anything. He'll probably say something stupid to DS and I think you might prefer to leave him out of the loop.

As for what to tell DS, I don't know if I agree that you need to tell him just yet. If you had a different X, maybe, but considering your X, I think the longer you wait, the better. You know he won't be any support and he might even make things difficult or worse.

That said, I don't think you should endure all this alone. It's not good for you. Not good at all. I'm sure there's an online support group for mothers going through this - I hope you'll look into it.

In the meantime, you have us so please keep posting.

Hugs to you!

[This message edited by josiep at 8:52 PM, March 9th (Saturday)]

lilies21 posted 3/11/2019 13:06 PM

Thanks, josiep. I was actually hoping to take DS to Florida again early next month for a long weekend in Fort Myers so we could visit Sanibel Island but doesn't look like that will happen I actually learned today that DS needs surgery to remove his adenoids and his ear tubes; his ear tubes haven't fallen out and can apparently cause permanent damage if they aren't removed. When it rains, it pours, I guess. He's with his dad next week for spring break and Asshat claims they will be out of state the whole week so DS won't be able to have the surgery until closer to the end of the month. Between that, chemo, baseball starting next month for DS, and all the lovely medical bills, looks like we'll be stuck at home for a while.

Kayaking off a dock in Florida sounds like heaven!

I didn't tell DS this weekend. We had so much going on and I just didn't want to put a damper on the weekend. Plus, now he needs surgery and he'll be gone all next week for spring break so I figure I'll try to wait until all of that is over. I know once DS knows that he will tell everyone at his dad's and I don't want to tell him it's a secret; it wouldn't be right to put that on him. So nope, still haven't told anyone yet. I've looked into cancer groups online but I haven't found the right fit. Everyone talks about how their spouses and parents and siblings are involved and I would just be the pitied odd-one-out, Lyfting my way to chemo with my laptop and a book for company. I just want to get it all over with.

hopeandnohope posted 3/14/2019 22:51 PM

My mom and sister went to my first chemo but I asked them to leave so I could sleep. A recliner and a heated blanket was all it took...and the benedryl.

My advice is to go to the bathroom before you really need to. Those bags of liquid seem to hit your bladder suddenly. On more than one occasion I barely got unplugged and to the bathroom in time!

There were a few people that had spouses or family members but most of us drove ourselves and came alone. You get anti nausea infusions and pills too so driving home isn't hard. Some places have volunteers that offer rides.

I didn't join any support groups for cancer. This site was my one and only. I did meet some great people during radiation in Spokane.

Not sure how you tell your son without him fearing the worse, since you said he is a worrier...but I'm sure you'll find the right words. I'll be checking on you so please keep posting.♡

lilies21 posted 4/2/2019 19:33 PM

Thank you for your reply and tips, hopeandnohope.

Well...it's going. So far minimal side effects. Nausea for the rest of the day after chemo, finally losing a few pounds but thankfully not much hair yet.

I still haven't told anyone. I was going to tell DS but then he had spring break with Asshat, then he was going to have surgery for tonsils, etc... so I figured it would wait until after all of that. Now his surgery is postponed until next week and I still haven't said anything.

It might be cause I'm in a bit of a dark place right now. I was handling it all fine but the closer I get to telling DS...the more I think he would be the only one who would care if I didn't kick Earl's ass. And then it makes me feel selfish for thinking about telling him, like I'm just telling him to have some know and possibly care and that's not something to put on a kid.

I truly think DS and Asshat would be the only ones who would notice if I just suddenly stopped existing tomorrow...Asshat only because he would have DS all the time and for the joy of no longer paying child support. My son is reason enough to keep going but some days...it just hits me hard that hardly anyone IRL would even notice if I weren't here. Work wouldn't notice or care if I just stopped showing up...someone would eventually want my desk though because in a corner by the window. I guess pretending this is nothing out of the ordinary isn't working so well today.

Pentup posted 4/2/2019 22:46 PM

Sent you a pm

NEPAlady posted 4/3/2019 06:33 AM


When the time is right, youíll tell DS. Itís OK. It will all work out in its own time.

In your dark place yesterday, you didnít see all the people IRL who are positively affected by you everyday. And would truly miss you if you werenít there. Itís because you are a great person.

Let your doctor know about the nausea. There might be something you can take or do for it.

Today will be better.

SymbolisticWalls posted 4/3/2019 10:56 AM

I know it can be hard to see your SI community as ďreal peopleĒ, but each one of us would be worse off if we did not have you in our lives. Even if itís words on a screen, you have a group of people here who admire you and are cheering you on. Keep fighting.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/3/2019 10:58 AM

Aw lilies, I am sure that you affect more people than you know. Find a way to calm your mind and stop worrying, all that does is feed Earl's evil.

I'm here with a shoulder you can lean on, and I can hate Earl right there along with you - FUCK YOU EARL!!!!!

((((lilies & DS))))

EvenKeel posted 4/3/2019 12:13 PM

I think it is good that you decided to share this with your DS. I understand your hesitation but I think this will helpful for him; now and going forth. Unfortunately, cancer seems to touch everyone whether it is their own battle or that of a friend, coworker, relative, neighbor, etc. Heck, DS lost one classmate to cancer while still in middle school

This is a life lesson better coming from you so you can address it with him the way you would like. You can teach him all about the survivors around us.

I know you are limiting those who know but please do not shortchange yourself in the process. You may zip through treatments with minor side effects or you could be blasted with them and need help. As others pointed out, you will be surprised by folks that can/will and do want to help you and your DS.

Sending you healing mojo as you kick cancer's butt.

Sunnydaysahead posted 4/8/2019 14:19 PM

Sending love and hugs! We joined SI around the same time. I have never been much of a poster but have followed your story from Day 1. You have grown so much over the last five years. I have always admired your strength and scrappy attitude, but mostly your fierce devotion to your son.

Iím sorry to hear about Earl, I have no doubt you will be saying goodbye to him sooner rather than later! It may not seem like it now, but things will get better. Youíve got this Lilies!! XOXO

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