SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Case in point to my statement above.

So to summarize, you're saying I'm a pushover with balls the size of marbles?

You are at DDay #5 so far...you are the only one allowing that number to continue to increment.

She knows you are a paper tiger at this point.

5 D-Days, and with an additional AP added to her tally.

And you response to this is basically, “Here is my new line in the sand. And I really really really really really mean it this time!”

At this point it’s not even really about her anymore.

Case in point to my statement above.

So to summarize, you're saying I'm a pushover with balls the size of marbles?

There are times when my wife plants her ass in the victim chair...not unlike this statement.

I normally have a canned response for her, and it goes something like this:

"I cannot compete with your internal dialogue."

But then again, when you are so desperate to remain married that you're willing to forgo significant things in an effort to do so, it will result in you lashing out at the people who are in fact trying to help you.

You have chosen to stay.

You have chosen to reconcile.

You... Have... Chosen...

From the outside looking in, it appears that you're projecting your anger at yourself upon other posters.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 4:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

SD - I had to throw down divorce papers to get my WW to clean up her act and stop boozing it up with randoms.

You keep telling her to clean things up and more comes out.

She told you to never talk to AP, when you did you learned way too much and she suddenly remembers everything.

I HATE this advice, but it is needed way too often.

Just file. It will take time to be processed. It will take a year or so to get the divorce. She has until then to talk you into marrying her for the first time and convincing you it will be better. She wasn't in the first marriage.

Now she needs to chase you. Her anger and manipulation won't work anymore. Now she needs to lure you in with love.

Also, I am sorry she weaponized your religion against you. Don't let your faith be why you don't make her earn this.

What has she done to fix those awful statements she made about you involving your faith in the beginning?

Plus side, she knew you were going to be triggered and handled it well. Negative side, she still doesn't deserve you. You know this. She is going to take a long time to become the woman you deserve. She knows it and worries she will never be there.

Make her rise to this occasion.

If you keep lifting her, she won't figure it out. She only does the minimum to stay in this marriage. You deserve more.

Good luck. It is ok to not file. It just is my advice.

Brother...you are a modern day Hosea.

I'm telling you man, you are a better man than I. I call crock 'o shit on all of it. She's lying and biding her time.

I've read a bit about amnesia and you have to get clobbered in the head major...actually lose a large portion of grey matter before you get amnesia.

There are elderly Holocaust/death camp survivors still alive today who went through horrors none of us can imagine whose memories are perfectly intact. They can remember dates and times and details of atrocities they experienced as if they happened yesterday. So what is your WW's excuse? She can't remember sex with some asshole five years ago?

Crock 'o shit. Crock...'o...shit.

How on earth is the litany of bashing Saddest Dad helping anyone? The man just went through D-Day#4 and 5. Have some compassion people. He is well aware that many people don't believe his wife's story - he is (appropriately) skeptical himself. He knows he doesn't have the whole story. He doesn't need any more 2x4s and has expressed frustration with the constant bashing. He has explicitly asked for encouragement.

Saddest Dad, I'm sorry you've had more D-Days. TT is just so incredibly awful and damaging - it kills your soul. This shit is awful. It is the real relationship killer. I honestly feel like if I were to find out something small now it would have been WAY more damaging to me and my R than something HUGE closer to D-Day.

And you have dealt with more than your fair share. Truly, at the end of the day, I don't know how you're functioning. I really am so impressed with how you've handled yourself this far.

I just need fuckin' hugs right now.

((Saddest Dad))

Actually, it now makes way more sense than it did before.

I really identify with this. I strongly believe that when you have the whole truth (or as close to it as you can get), it just starts to make sense. Maybe not "sense" in the sense that you get it (you will never TRULY get it), but the story itself makes sense internally. I don't think you really can begin to heal or forgive (if that is what you chose to do) until you have the whole story. So good for you, for doing what you can do to get that story - however you do it. I cannot imagine how difficult it would have been for you to go into that bank.

I'm going to be a bit of a contrarian here, and realize that what I will say is exactly what you want to hear. Nevertheless, I find the describing of your wife as a ho, liar, manipulator is getting a bit wearing.

I totally get that your wife was a ho once. Let's face it, sleeping with a married man and making videos is seriously sick stuff.

And yes, she was a liar. Anyone who is engaged while hopping on another guys stick is a liar in so many ways it cannot be fully evaluated. For the record, I know this from first hand experience. My then gf fucked another guy the day after we first got together. But after much grief, I get that she was scared about the new thing and was not sureI was even serious. It's called hedging your bets and these are after all not the 1950s.

Was she manipulative? Of course,

But for craps sake people are what they are and fuck up all the time. The one good thing is that she didn't hop on his stick after you were married.

Now, does this make it right. No. But it is human.

Your wife's amnesia is damage control. Plain and simple. We don't need to analyze this like we were Freud. He supposed latent memory's maddening. But it is designed to help you no matter how much she gets it wrong.

But again for craps sake, can we at least acknowledge that she wasn't fucking around while married? I'm sorry but I see this as something to build on. Yes in the early days she woulda coulda. But that is ended now. By all accounts she is a good wife and mother for a long time.

Dude, you are never gonna forget this. It will be a sore subject forever. But, over analyzing this to the final tittle and jot is self defeating.

Accept that your wife was a ho, a liar, and manipulative but that stopped a long time ago, and at least begin to move on. Of course, if you want a D then go for it. But you don't so stop the handwringing. As I said some weeks ago, she is in need of some serious intervention. Looks like she's on it.

So don't over analyze this, overly ruminate, try to find the next smoking gun whatever, and start healing YOURSelf through whatever means you can. Accept what is and start healing.

End of rant.

ETA. You balls the size of marbles comment got me. Are we talking cat eyes or cleariies or puries? We used to have marble that were 100% larger called steelies. I bet that's you.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 7:07 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

But again for craps sake, can we at least acknowledge that she wasn't fucking around while married?

I appreciate this post very much... except that's exactly what was discovered yesterday. That there was, in fact, sex one time after marriage. 3 days after our 1st wedding anniversary, to be precise.

And Emergent... thank you. (( ))

You balls the size of marbles comment got me. Are we talking cat eyes or cleariies or puries? We used to have marble that were 100% larger called steelies. I bet that's you

More like beachballs made of steel... so I guess beachies?

She knows you are a paper tiger at this point.

Rawr

She told you to never talk to AP, when you did you learned way too much

Actually, it was SI that said not to talk to AP, as the logic was, "why would he tell you the truth and how can you believe a word out of his mouth?"

I spoke to AP because she suggested it, as she was so sure that nothing happened after marriage.

I did so at the bank he works at in order to prevent any physical altercation from either of us... btw, on Sunday afternoon, I'd been parked in front of his house but didn't trust myself to go and confront him where I could've gotten out of hand. The overturned children's toys in the front yard is what gave me the moment of clarity to not confront over there.

We smoked a cigarette as we did. He cried at a couple of points. He was 98% honest with me.

We shook hands like men before I said that if all's well, I hope to never see or speak with him again.

Have you eaten today? Are you drinking enough water? Are you able to sleep?

When was the last time you saw your doctor? Maybe you should make an appointment. Make sure your blood pressure is where it should be. Maybe get a prescription for something that will help you sleep.

We are genuinely worried about you. I know some of the comments are hard to read. But the majority of them, if not all,come from a place of only wanting you to be ok, SD.

Big hugs to you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:23 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

Have you eaten today? Are you drinking enough water? Are you able to sleep?

So I nibbled a bit in the AM... and then binged the shit out of pizza for dinner. Definitely did not drink enough water, but Dr Pepper made up for that.

As for sleep... well, funny story - last night, I was so emotionally drained that I fell asleep while (TMI ALERT) WW was riding me. Legit fell asleep. Woke up hours later. Didn't even realize that I'd fallen asleep... I'm pretty sure I'll be able to sleep like a rock tonight.

When was the last time you saw your doctor? Maybe you should make an appointment. Make sure your blood pressure is where it should be. Maybe get a prescription for something that will help you sleep.

10mg Ambien/1mg Xanax works wonders.

We are genuinely worried about you. I know some of the comments are hard to read. But the majority of them, if not all,come from a place of only wanting you to be ok, SD.

Big hugs to you.

I know. If I thought they were coming from a different place, the little bit of snark I respond with wouldn't be present, as I would've left long before I felt comfortable enough to respond as such.

PS - even a tiger made of pepper's still got teeth.

Hi SD,

Sorry for all the bad developments. Just a bit confused on a number of things:

As for her flip-flopping between remorselessness & viciousness... it's hard for me to explain, but she was vicious toward me for so long prior to DDay 1

I thought she started being in love with you a couple of years into the marriage, so don't really understand why she was vicious to you before DDay. Could you kindly elaborate.

Did she confess about the no condom and asking him to cum in her or was it him when you went to the bank?

He is also a liar and a cheat, so why do you believe him?

Also if she not only lied and cheated on you but also treated you badly, why do you want to be with her. Sorry if I am misinterpreting stuff.

Despite all her flaws etc I could support you wanting to stay with her but not if she doesn't love you or never did. So pretty puzzled.

I thought she started being in love with you a couple of years into the marriage, so don't really understand why she was vicious to you before DDay. Could you kindly elaborate.

The viciousness I spoke of prior to DDay was not the same as how she was during the A. During the A, she was nasty without provoking her. She put her friends' needs over mine. She put her own desires over mine. We got married Oct 2014. She ended the PA in Oct 2015, but there was still some EA/pining in 2016, whether she'd like to admit it or not. Perhaps not much, but enough to still keep her closed off to me. When we got pregnant with our daughter, that's when she started loving me. Daughter was born in Oct 2016.

Did she confess about the no condom and asking him to cum in her or was it him when you went to the bank?

Yes, she did confess to that. Her confession of such was DDay #4, exactly a week ago.

He is also a liar and a cheat, so why do you believe him?

Eventually he'll find his way here, so I'm not going to divulge my methods, but... well, with the skills I've picked up along the years (as well as from my DDays), I've been good at getting details out of someone whether they realize it or not.

Also if she not only lied and cheated on you but also treated you badly, why do you want to be with her. Sorry if I am misinterpreting stuff

Because today she's not who she was.

Someone had mentioned earlier that I fell in love with the woman she wasn't at that time.

The ironic twist is that after all's said and done, she became the woman I (incorrectly) saw at that time.

Call it prophecy. Call it divine providence. Call it karma. Call it fate. Call it foolishness. Call it whatever you will.

Every pickle's got a different tickle.

Oooooh. Sorry man. Missed that fact entirely. Another memory lapse? I guess I take everything back. Yes it's true. Your wife is a sick fuck. So sorry. Good luck with this.

Why exactly are you entertaining being in the same life with her? At the rate this is going, the next revelation is that she was fucking him the day before yesterday, and forgot.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 11:26 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

Dang SD! I go away from SI for a few days and all hell breaks loose. I'm sorry friend.

You're going to make it through this! We all have at some point or another.

(((SD))) awkward bro hugs, dude!

Wow so many 2x4’s!!!

Sd,

Wasn’t my intention for watery eyes, however you are welcome,

We can only deal with so much trauma for so long before everything crashes down around us, so just take time to deal however you need.

I know the 2x4’s are hard to read (trust me I know) just try to remember they are coming from concern, care & maybe a little frustration,

Please eat a little today even if it’s a protein shake of some sort, you are going to need it.

You can do this

Thinking of you

((((SD))))

SD, I have followed your thread and I don't comment much, but I just have to say that I feel for you. My SO is a serial cheater (same woman though) and its just so hard when we want to save the relationship.

hugs to you, and know that you do have supporters out here that follow your story and don't bash your every decision.